Hell Call (A Script)

SCENE 1-AIMEE’S ROOM/ ALLISON’S CAR1

A college age girl (AIMEE) is in her room talking on a landline phone and reading her BIBLE. The conversation is with another college age girl (ALLISON), who is using a cell phone in her car.2

AIMEE:
Allison, I can’t break up with him. What if I could influence him and get him saved.3

ALLISON:
You know that won’t work. You can’t expect someone to suddenly change just because you did.4

AIMEE:
That didn’t stop you from staying with me when I was struggling. You…5

ALLISON:
That was different! We were not emotionally attached, and I was way more…6

AIMEE:
How does that make any difference?7

ALLISON:
Aimee, you and Jaymon have been dating for more than two years. He knows you as the Aimee you were before, and he will not accept you being any different from person right away. He is going to pull for you to be the way you were before.8

AIMEE:
(Silence)9

ALLISON:
…To do the things you did before. Aimee, I don’t think you are…10

AIMEE:
No! I know Jaymon, and he would never force me to do anything I don’t want to do. I know he wouldn’t.11

ALLISON:
Maybe not intentionally, but Jaymon is still the same Jaymon you have been dating all along, and he is going to want the same things he wanted all along.
AIMEE:
That wouldn’t be bad. (Nervous) Right? Not bad at all?12

ALLISON:
(Reluctant) Did you… (Hesitates) Were you… intimate with him?13

AIMEE:
(Stands) You can’t ask me that. It’s personal!14

ALLISON:
Well?15

Aimee paces the length of the phone cord.16

AIMEE:
Of course we won’t… be intimate. It would be wrong.17

ALLISON:
I didn’t ask if you were going to. I asked if you were… If you have.18

AIMEE:
(Struggles)(Blurts) Of course we have! Ali, we were together for two years. That’s why this hurts so much. I know we can’t be together. This isn’t a new thought, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love him. I don’t want to let him go. 19

ALLISON:
If you love him, you have to let him go. If you stay in a relationship with him, it will pull you away from your relationship with God. Then we lose you both, and I don’t want to let you go.20

AIMEE:
But I can’t just drop him and leave him wondering. Isn’t there a way I can reach him?21

ALLISON:
Tell him the truth. Tell him what you told me. If he doesn’t listen, then, keep living for God and praying for him. But for now, you have to get out of this relationship.
AIMEE:
(Quietly) O.K.22

ALLISON:
Are you going to be alright?23

AIMEE:
Ali, this is so hard.24

ALLISON:
Aimee, believe me, I know this is hard. I’ve been there, but you know what you have to do.25

AIMEE:
Yeah.26

ALLISON:
Listen. Do you want me to be there when you talk to him?27

AIMEE:
Yeah, I’d like that.28

ALLISON:
When are you going to see him again?29

AIMEE:
(Silent) (Looks out window)30

ALLISON:
Aimee?31

AIMEE:
(Sits) (Nervously) We are supposed to go camping tonight.32

ALLISON:
Camping? You and Jaymon?33

AIMEE:
And Kelsey and Todd. We have been planning it for a while now. (Afraid) He said that we needed to get away together, so we could have some (pauses) fun with each other because he barely knows me anymore.34

ALLISON:
Aimee, you can’t go.35


AIMEE:
I know, but what am I supposed to do? They are going to be here in an hour to pick me up.36

ALLISON:
Just tell him the truth.37

AIMEE:
(Stands) I can’t do that. Maybe I can fake being sick.38

ALLISON:
You cant lie to him. He needs to know the truth.39

AIMEE:
You think I don’t I know that?40

ALLISON:
Then tell him what’s going on.41

AIMEE:
Not tonight, Ali. It’s too soon!42

ALLISON:
Aimee, you might not have another chance. Tomorrow is never a guarantee.43

AIMEE:
Please, not tonight.44

ALLISON:
Alright. Do what you want. Please, just don’t go with him.45

AIMEE:
Can I stay with you tonight?46

ALLISON:
(Sighs) Yeah. I’m on my way home from work right now. I can pick you up by eight thirty?47

AIMEE:
Thanks, Ali.48

ALLISON:
It will be best if you talk to him tonight.49

AIMEE:
(Struggles) But…50

ALLISON:
I know. I’ll see you later, Aimee. Bye. (Hangs up phone)51

AIMEE:
Bye. (Lowers phone) Tonight? Ali is right. I have to tell him tonight.52

DIAL TONE sounds as AIMEE slowly drops to her knees.
FADE TO BLACK.53

END: SCENE 1.54

SCENE 2-AIMEE’S ROOM/ THE FRONT YARD55

AIMEE is sitting on the floor of her room. Her CELL PHONE rings from inside her bag. AIMEE rushes and rummages through the bag. The CELL PHONE continues to ring.56

AIMEE:
Hey Jaymon… (Pause) Jaymon? (Pause) Hello?57

A car horn honks. AIMEE rushes to the window. Outside is the driveway. In the driveway is a car. A college age man (JAYMON) is standing outside the car on the driver’s side talking to his younger sister (KELSEY).58

AIMEE:
Hey! I’m up here!59

JAYMON:
Come on Aimee, the wilderness awaits.60

AIMEE:
Um, yeah. I’m not quite ready yet. You guys can come inside for a while though.61

JAYMON:
Right on. (To KELSEY) Let’s go Kels.62

AIMEE closes the window and walks to her dresser. She sees her reflection in the mirror.63

AIMEE:
(Looking in the mirror) This is it. I have to tell him. (Turns around)I love him. (Slumps down to sit on dresser and sighs) I love him. (Pause) (Loud frustration) But I can’t tell him!64

The sound of a door opening is heard. JAYMON’S head sticks through the opening.65

JAYMON:
Can’t tell who what?66

As JAYMON says his line he fully enters the room. He is followed immediately by KELSEY entering the room.67

AIMEE:
(Deep breath) I can’t tell you… That I can’t go camping tonight.68

JAYMON:
What? Why not?69

AIMEE:
(To KELSEY) Where is Todd?70

KELSEY:
He went to get some beer. He’s Meeting us at the campground later.71

JAYMON:
Aimee, don’t change the subject. Tell me why you can’t come?72

AIMEE:
It’s (Hesitates) my physics exam. I really need to study.73

JAYMON:
Physics? Aimee, we have been planning this trip for weeks.74

AIMEE:
No. Jaymon, you have been planning it for weeks. I really need you guys to understand something. (Hesitates) It is so important that I keep a good G.P.A.75

JAYMON:
Your G.P.A. is just fine. You are the smartest girl I know.76

AIMEE:
And I want to keep it that way, so Ali and I thought…77

KELSEY:
Ali? You are ditching us for Allison Herberger?78

AIMEE:
Well…79

KELSEY:
What is with you two? Aimee, we are supposed to be close. I mean, you are dating my brother. I doesn’t get much closer than that. Now you spend every waking moment with Herberger, while you barely talk to your best friend. What is going on with you?80

AIMEE:
Kelsey…81

JAYMON:
No, Kels is right. I’m worried. Since you started hanging out with that girl, we have barely seen you, and when we are together, you’re distracted and nervous. Like you are right now.82

KELSEY:
She didn’t get you into some kind of trouble, did she?83

AIMEE:
No, I’m fine.84

JAYMON:
Then what aren’t you telling us? If something is wrong, you need to tell us. Maybe we could help.85

KELSEY:
Whatever it is, you can talk to us. We’re here for you, I mean, we’re your friends. 86

AIMEE:
I am just fine! Nothing is wrong, so I have nothing to tell you. (Pause)87

JAYMON and KELSEY exchange glances. KELSEY approaches AIMEE.88

KELSEY:
If you need to…89

AIMEE:
I’m fine! Seriously! Now you guys go and have fun camping.90

JAYMON:
Alright. Have fun tonight.91

AIMEE:
You have fun too.92

JAYMON:
Bye.93


AIMEE:
Bye.94

JAYMON:
I love you.95

JAYMON takes AIMEE’s hand in his. AIMEE says nothing and averts her eyes to the floor.96

JAYMON:
We need to talk about whatever it is that you are not telling me.97

AIMEE pulls away from JAYMON and opens the door.98

AIMEE:
Good bye, Jaymon, Kelsey. Have fun camping.99

JAYMON and KELSEY exit through the door. AIMEE angrily turns her back to the door and leans against it, eyes shut tight. After a brief moment she slams her fists into the door.100

AIMEE:
(Shouting) God! Why is this so hard? (Cries)101

AIMEE runs to her bed and flops on her back. She throws the pillow onto the floor as she delivers her line.102

AIMEE:
Why can’t I just tell them?103

AIMEE curls onto her side resting her head on her arm. She delivers her line as she wipes the tears from her eyes.104

AIMEE:
Why?105

AIMEE closes her eyes and sleeps.
Fade to black.106

END: SCENE 2.107

SCENE 3-AIMEE’S ROOM/ NATIONAL PARK& HOSPITAL NEWSCAST108

AIMEE is sleeping on her bed. Makeup is smeared from crying. A CELL PHONE rings. AIMEE wakes up and grabs the cell phone on the third ring.109

AIMEE:
(Groggy) Hello?110

ALLISON:
(Voice only) Aimee! Thank God!111

AIMEE:
Ali?112

ALLISON:
I am freaking out here! Where are you?113

AIMEE moves to the side of her bed and sits on the edge.114

AIMEE:
I’m in my room. I must have fallen asleep. What’s wrong?115

ALLISON:
I thought you went camping with them. I was freaking out!116

AIMEE stands and walks to the center of her room. She is growing more concerned.117

AIMEE:
No, I stayed home, like you said. Why? Did something happen?118

ALLISON:
You mean, you don’t know?119

AIMEE:
Know what?120

ALLISON:
I’m sorry, Aimee. Something has happened…121

ALLISON is cut off by a dial tone. The lights shift to a terror dimness.122

AIMEE:
Allison? Hello?
AIMEE holds the phone away from her and stares at it, confused and sets it on her bed. RADIO STATIC and TUNING fills the room. AIMEE jumps then turns quickly to face the radio. She slowly walks to it and shuts it off. Immediately the T.V. turns on and WHITE NOISE blares loudly. AIMEE screams, runs to the remote on her nightstand, and turns off the T.V. As soon as the T.V. is off, the RADIO comes back on.123

RADIO ANNOUNCER 1:
(RADIO VOICE) Since its first reports, a little over two hours ago, the fire has spread from the state park region to the National park reserve. The fire departments of several local cities have responded to…124

AIMEE shuts off the radio and turns to leave her room. As her hand touches the doorknob, the T.V. turns on.125

News Reporter 1:
(ON T.V.) Officials believe that the fire may have originated near the Weston County Campgrounds when sparks from a campfire ignited a nearby grove of tree, dried out in the recent drought. An immediate evacuation of the campground was ordered by the…126

As the T.V. is going AIMEE frantically presses power button on the remote control. She helplessly flings it aside, rushes to the T.V. manually shutting it off. Immediately the RADIO blares louder than before.127

RADIO ANNOUNCER 2:
(RADIO VOICE) … Though evacuation attempts were made, several campers were severely injured. Two young campers were found trapped in a tent which had caught fire. Both sustained life threatening burns, and are now being held in critical condition at Weston Regional Medical Center… Traffic has been rerouted to…128

AIMEE:
Stop it!129

AIMEE shoves the radio to the floor. She steps back from the broken radio, breathing heavily. The T.V. turns on.130

NEWS REPORTER 2:
(ON T.V.) … Siblings rescued from a burning tent were pronounced dead approximately five minutes ago. As this tragedy progresses, the staff of Weston Regional Medical Center are becoming increasingly overwhelmed by the increasing amount of…131

As the NEWS REPORT progresses, AIMEE presses the power button several times. She hits the T.V. several times as she says her lines.132

AIMEE:
Shut Up! Shut up!133

AIMEE violently unplugs the T.V. It goes out but comes back on immediately. AIMEE backs up and falls to the floor in a state of horror. She crawls closer to the T.V. as the T.V. lines are delivered.134

News Reporter 2:
(ON T.V.) … Following have been added to the ever growing list of lives claimed by the fire; husband and wife Joseph and Leah Aldwin, along with their three year old son Thomas. Rico Alvarez, Veronica Mathers, and siblings Jaymon and Kelsey Sorrins…135

T.V. cuts to WHITE NOISE. AIMEE leans up to the T.V. placing her hands on the screen.136

AIMEE:
(Escalading panic) No… no! That’s not right. You got it wrong! It’s not…137

Cut to Black.
END: SCENE 2.138

SCENE 4- A HELLISH VERSION OF AIMEE’S ROOM139

The room is black. AIMEE’S panicked breathing is heard. As the PHONE RINGS, the LIGHTS FADE UP in a DIM RED HELLISH manner. AIMEE looks over her shoulder, eyes wide with terror. PHONE RINGS. AIMEE stands and walks to pick it up. She stops in front of the phone and looks down at it. The PHONE RINGS twice. AIMEE picks up the phone and slowly raises it to her ear. 140

AIMEE:
(Somberly) Hello?141

There is a CLATTERING NOISE followed by DIAL TONE. AIMEE slowly hangs up the phone. Instantly the PHONE RINGS again. AIMEE quickly picks it up again.142

AIMEE:
(Desperate) Hello?143

KELSEY:
(PHONE VOICE) Aimee…144

AIMEE:
(Afraid) Who is this?145

KELSEY:
(Almost a cry) Aimee…146

AIMEE:
(Becoming excited) Kels, is that you?147

KELSEY:
Aimee, I’m afraid.148

AIMEE:
Where are you? I could come get you.149

KELSEY:
You can’t come, Aimee150

AIMEE:
Why not? Kelsey, Tell me where you are.151


KELSEY:
(Cries only)152

153

AIMEE:
(Demanding) Kelsey! Where are you?154

Kelsey:
(Quiet and emotionless) I’m dead.155

AIMEE drops the phone to the floor and backs away quickly, tripping into her bed.156

AIMEE:
Oh God! No!157

KELSEY:
(Frantic) Aimee? (Pause) Aimee? Don’t leave me here alone! (Screaming) Please…158

DIAL TONE sounds. The CELL PHONE RINGS. AIMEE picks the cell phone off the bed and answers it frantically.159

AIMEE:
(Yells) You are not Kelsey! Whoever you are, this is a sick joke, and I am going to call the poli…160

JAYMON:
(PHONE VOICE) (Hoarse and somber) Aimee, It’s me, Jaymon.161

AIMEE:
(Breaking down) No! I saw it on the news! You are dead. You are dead! You cant be on the phone. You are dead! You…162

JAYMON:
Yes, Aimee, I am dead, and I AM calling you.163

AIMEE:
If you are dead, how are you calling me? Where are you?164

JAYMON:
That’s why I called you. I am lost, Aimee, and I think you know exactly where I am.165

AIMEE:
No, I have no idea…166

JAYMON:
Don’t lie! You know exactly where I am. That’s what you were hiding from me before. You knew something was going to happen. You knew I would be here… in this place, and you wouldn’t tell me. (Pause) (Child-like fear) But you can tell me now.167

AIMEE:
No… No…168

JAYMON:
(Desperate anger) Tell me!169

AIMEE:
(Yells) No!170

AIMEE slams the phone shut and sets it on the dresser. The PHONE RINGS. AIMEE looks at the phone on the floor and slowly bends down to it. The PHONE RINGS. AIMEE picks up the phone by the cord and watches it dangling in the air. The PHONE RINGS. AIMEE, trembling, places the phone to her ear. The PHONE RINGS.171

AIMEE:
(Voice Trembling) Hello?172


KELSEY:
(PHONE VOICE) (Crying) You left me, and it’s so dark here. Please don’t leave me in the dark. Please…173

AIMEE:
Its O.K. Kels. I won’t leave you alone. I’m right here.174

KELSEY:
(Nostalgic) Aimee, do you remember that day in rhetoric class, when Allison gave the speech on God and Eternity…175

AIMEE:
What are you talking about?176

KELSEY:
… And we laughed at her. (Pause) I cant help but think, what if she was right?177

AIMEE:
Kelsey, Stop it!178

179

KELSEY:
She was right, wasn’t she? (Run on sentence) That’s why you liked her. Because she told you about what happens after, about eternity. She was a good friend. That is what a good friend would do. They would tell. (Pause) But you didn’t tell me. Why didn’t you tell me? Did you hate me?180

AIMEE:
No, Kelsey, you were my best friend!181

KELSEY:
(Irrational) Why do you hate me? I never hated you! I was a good friend to you!182

AIMEE:
Stop!183

KELSEY:
(Yelling) If I had known the truth, I would have told you!184

AIMEE:
(Firmly) Kelsey, stop it.185

KELSEY:
(Louder) Because that’s what friends do!186

AIMEE:
(Yelling) Kelsey! Shut up!187

KELSEY:
We were friends weren’t we?188

AIMEE bashes the phone on the desk repetitively as she screams her line.189

AIMEE:
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!190

The CELL PHONE RINGS. AIMEE looks at the cell phone in her hand. The CELL PHONE RINGS again.191

AIMEE:
(Screams) No! I am not going to pick up!192

The CELL PHONE RINGS. AIMEE puts her hands over her ears and backs away. The CELL PHONE RINGS. AIMEE shakes her head and cries.
AIMEE:
No, no, no, no!193

The CELL PHONE RINGS. AIMEE angrily picks up the cell phone.194

AIMEE:
(Screams) Leave me alone!195

JAYMON:
Alone? Have you ever felt, alone, Aimee? Truly alone? I have… I do! I AM ALONE! I have been forsaken and left to live dying every moment. I exist in an all consuming darkness, so dark I can feel it as it closes in on my being and burns through my eyes, tormenting my soul! Have you ever felt that, Aimee? Have you?196

AIMEE:
(Cries silently)197

JAYMON:
That’s what I thought. You know the pain I feel every moment is…198

AIMEE:
Stop calling me! (Screams in rage)199

AIMEE throws the phone across the room. The PHONE and CELL PHONE RINE in ERRATIC PATTERNS. AIMEE covers her ears and turns slowly in the center of the room. Her face shows absolute dread. The RINGING stops and the scene CUTS to BLACK.200

END: SCENE 4201

SCENE 5-A HELLISH VERSION OF AIMEE’S ROOM/ HELL202

FADE IN FROM BLACK. The room is beginning to fill with SMOKE. AIMEE is standing in the middle of the silent room with her hands on her ears. Breathing heavily, she lowers her hands from her ears. Still turning she looks sniffs and gags. She covers her mouth.203

Kelsey:
(Whispered) Aimee…204

AIMEE looks over her shoulder to find where the voice came from. When nothing is there she spins to face that direction.205

KELSEY:
(Whispered) When we needed you the most, you abandoned us, Aimee.206

JAYMON:
(Whispered) We needed the life you held, but you hid it from us.207

AIMEE spins and runs for the door. She tries desperately to open the door but it is stuck.208

KELSEY:
Now we suffer.209

AIMEE turns and walks deliberately to the center of the room. She speaks as she walks.210

AIMEE:
(Terrified but firm) Kelsey… Jaymon… I know you can hear me. I want you to leave me alone.211

There is a CRASH. AIMEE jerks to look in the direction the sound came from. The lamp has fallen off her night stand. KELSEY’s voice comes from that direction.212

KELSEY:
(Whispered) I’m so afraid, Aimee.213

AIMEE backs away from the sound of KELSEY’s voice. Behind her, JAYMON is standing, bloody and burnt. He leans and whispers in her ear.214

JAYMON:
We are a living death!215

AIMEE spins around. JAYMON is gone and she is facing the mirror. JAYMON is in the reflection a few feet behind AIMEE. She doesn’t notice him until he speaks.216

JAYMON:
And It’s forever.217

AIMEE gasps, whirls around, and sees JAYMON face to face. She screams ad pushes past him, turning so her back never faces him. She stumbles backward into KELSEY, who is standing, burnt and bloody, by the fallen lamp. AIMEE screams again and tries to run, but KELSEY has her arm held firmly. AIMEE turns to KELSEY, and their eyes meet. KELSEY is complacent. AIMEE is trembling with fear. As KELSEY speaks she slowly reaches out and caresses AIMEE’s face, leaving bloody finger prints on her cheek218

Kelsey:
Jaymon, look at her face. It has so much. (Pause) It has life.219

JAYMON grabs AIMEE’s shoulder and forcibly turns her to face him.220

JAYMON:
(Angrily) And look at our faces!221

AIMEE:
(Whimpers)222

AIMEE looks to the floor. JAYMON grabs her by the chin, holding her face about an inch from his.223

JAYMON:
I Know! Disgusting!224

AIMEE wrenches away.225

AIMEE:
(Crying) Stop it! If you are trying to scare me, you win! I’m scared! Now, go! Please, just go.226

KELSEY:
Scared! You have no idea. (Distraught) When they come. (Pause) There is no words for the fear and torment they bring! (Pause) Their faces, (becoming frantic) and the claws digging into my skin, pulling my hair, and the blood. (Fades to silence) The blood, so much blood…227

JAYMON:
(Sinister) Look at what you have done to us! You said you were our friend, and this is what you give us?228

AIMEE:
I didn’t do anything.229

JAYMON:
Exactly! You had the power to change everything and you did nothing!230

AIMEE:
No! I would never do this to you! I love you.231

AIMEE reaches to touch JAYMON. He backhands her, knocking her to the ground. He towers over her as he says his lines.232

JAYMON:
(Hatred) Never say that word again! Love… (Seething pause) is something I will never have again. Ever. Just you saying it torments me!233

AIMEE:
(Crying) I’m sorry. Jaymon, I’m so sorry.234

There is a brief FLASH of demons running through Hell followed by SCREACHES.235

AIMEE:
What was…236

KELSEY runs to AIMEE and grabs her face frantically. She is smearing blood all over AIMEE’s face and hair.237

KELSEY:
Please don’t let the take me back! Aimee!238

There is a brief FLASH of demons running through Hell followed by SCREACHES.239

KELSEY:
Please! No!240

Jaymon:
(Resigned) Kelsey, don’t resist. (Malicious) It’s our fate.241

There is a brief FLASH of demons running through Hell followed by SCREACHES.242

AIMEE:
You know I’m sorry, right?243

JAYMON:
(Amused) Do you ever think you can clean your conscience with a simple apology?244

There is a brief FLASH of demons running through Hell followed by SCREACHES.245

AIMEE:
What’s going to happen to you?246

JAYMON:
I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. In a few moments, I am going to be drug away and tortured by hundreds of black creatures. Then, I am going to be so consumed by anguish and darkness that I will forget all about this life, and all about you.247

AIMEE:
(Whimpers)248

JAYMON:
(Hatred) Yes, after this moment, we will never think of you ever again, but you, you will live out the rest of your life with our faces hanging over you, constantly thinking about what you could have done.249

There is a brief FLASH of demons running through Hell followed by SCREACHES.250

JAYMON:
This is the rest of your life, so please do enjoy it!251

252

SQUEALS rise dramatically as DEMONS rush JAYMON and KELSEY, beating them and dragging them down. JAYMON and KELSEY scream until eventually there is silence. During all of theis AIMEE is screaming her line.253

AIMEE:
(Desperate and horrified) Stop it! Leave her alone! I love him! Stop it! No!254

AIMEE falls to the floor at the silence. BLACK OUT.255

END: SCENE 5.256

SCENE 6-AIMEE’S BEDROOM/ ALLISON’S CAR257

AIMEE is lying asleep on the floor. Her room is back to normal. The PHONE RINGS. AIMEE awakes in a panic. She picks up the phone.258

AIMEE:
(Screaming) No! Stop calling me! (Sobs) Oh, God. I am so sorry. I am so sorry…259

ALLISON:
Aimee! Its me, Allison. I’m here to pick you up.260

AIMEE:
(Horrified) Allison? No!261

AIMEE drops the phone and crawls back onto the bed flailing.262

AIMEE:
(Rambling) Kelsey, and Jaymon! Now Allison. Its all my fault! Oh, God, I am so sorry!263

ALLISON rushes in and embraces AIMEE pulling her to her feet. AIMEE rests her face in ALLISON’S shoulder.264

ALLISON:
Aimee, what’s wrong?265

AIMEE:
(Sobbing) It’s my fault.266

ALLISON:
Aimee, what happened? Was Jaymon here?267

AIMEE:
He’s dead! Burnt up. They took them away. They are in the dark.268

ALLISON and AIMEE sink to the floor together.269

ALLISON:
Aimee, listen to me. No one is dead270

AIMEE:
And Jaymon. He was so bloody, and their screams… their screams…271

ALLISON:
Jaymon was worried about you after he left here, so he called me. I told him that you needed to talk to him. He is coming to my house tonight to talk. He is not dead.272

AIMEE rests her head in ALLISON’S lap.273

AIMEE:
Ali, It’s all my fault.274

The CELL PHONE RINGS. AIMEE screams and flails in ALLISON’S lap. CUT TO BLACK.275

END SCENE 6.276


END VIDEO
Project #SF0801277


Author notes

Genres::
Horror/Inspirational

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • mharrington05
    October 10

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm, very interesting. I usually find it difficult reading scripts as i find them often very bland, however i liked this, it was well paced and kept me engaged to the end as the plot was well concieved. Well done.


  • gezza gold member
    September 29

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    A pretty good script! I enjoyed it, and honestly got caught on the dream twist. I think you have a good sense of dialogue.

    I liked the transition from girl talk -> angst on religious belief issues -> the hint of manipulation from Aimee's friend -> the tension with her boyfriend and his sister -> the (retrospect) dream sequence -> the concern felt by her boyfriend and girlfriend. A nice sequence generally. I also like the way it echoed a number of teenage/horror genre pastiches, but without being completely mimicking.

    Now... in terms of the contest. I wont DQ but I have to say I am not convinced this is a mixing of genres, or at best an equal representation of genres. This could be classic horror from my perspective, and perhaps with a touch of... that's the problem... I can't think of anything else that sticks out. Sticks out.

    A few typos etc were found, if interested:

    para 8 - "and he will not accept you being any different from person right away." doesn't make sense.

    para 80 - typo with "I(t) doesn't get much closer than that."

    para 138 - should be "END: SCENE 3."

    para 158 - minor point - if Kels says "Don't leave me here alone!" it seems a little contradictory to her earlier statement of Aimee not being able to "come over".

    para 196 - "felt, alone, Aimee?" should be "felt alone, Aimee?"

    para 200 - typo with "RINE"

    para 203 - comma after "sniffs"

    para 235 - "SCREACHES" should be "SCREECHES" (and a few later paras)

    para 238 - "the" should be "them"

    para 247 - "drug" should be "dragged" (or was this intentional?)

    para 253 - typo "theis"


    Apart from my concern about the contest qualification, I did enjoy reading the script and hope you do well in other contests!


  • KayZee
    August 14

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    That was really interesting. It held my attention for the whole thing, and I even mangaged to picture it in my head.
    Great script !


  • papercutangel86
    August 14

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    wow what a cool play I would love to see this or even be in this I love the character Aimee She really is just so awesome! You got a really gift with play writing thats for sure! I am so glad I spoted this on the main page!


  • Quixotic Greeters member
    August 14
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    This was really good. I enjoyed reading it all the way through, Very well done ! Great work!


  • dreaminwriter
    August 14

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    so what, did none of that happen? is jaymon not dead? oooh. creepy. bravo! this is just like...wow. i have no other words. well done! it's not often im speechless


  • the.preKKendile
    August 13

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    The coolest bit of this would probably be the T.V./Radio thing at the beginning of her dream. I thought that was suitably freaky, and equally subtle. I also like the lack of relief at the end; the way Aimee's still freaking out makes it a lot more effective than if she was just 'oh, just a dream. phew!' REally awesome and absorbing. I like screenplays, too, because they don't have so much description. Sometimes you don't need it, and this piece can speak for itself.
    Just a couple things:
    screeches > screeches (par.233; 240)
    the > them (par. 236)
    drug >dragged (par. 245)


  • Hatsune Miku
    August 12

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    YES!!! A HORROR STORY THAT COULD ACTUALLY GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS!!! no, seriously... I love it!! 10/5

  • This was intriguing. It was incredibly emotional, and I liked the plotline. Sometimes I hate how at the end of stories, it's like, "It was all a dream," but you used that idea really well in here. I'm glad Jaymon and Kelsey didn't actually die. I also like how it ended, with the cell phone ringing and Aimee screaming. Maybe now that she's had her dream, she'll be able to tell her friends the truth. You did a really good job with this, so keep up the great work! ^.~


  • the shorty
    August 9

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    There is only one word that can really describe this: WOW.

    This is amazing! It creepy enough to give me chills, but not overly done. I have been doing drama productions almost my whole life, and this is a dream script. Emotional and raw, but with enough direction to make the actors feel comfortable with what you are having them do. And it was vivid, so vivid I could see it playing out on stage in my mind.

    Incredible!


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    August 2
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    Wow, this is very creepy. I've never written a script before, but this seems to be well-laid out. Your characters are well-written, and I like the way you've used Aimee's dream as such an essential part of the plot. Was this a project for a class or a program or something? It's very polished. Anyways, best of luck with all of your future writing, and welcome to Storywrite!


    • Yeshua
      August 2
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the Comment...

      No, it wasnt an assignment. It was a video concept i had a wile back, and just decided to write..

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