The Lost Girl

It was dark. The Sun had already disappeared over the grassy hills in a burst of orange and red, and the moon had already risen. I gazed at it from my bedroom window; how lonely it seemed. In the dark mass of the night's sky, it hung there, pale and cold. Even the sparkling stars were covered with cloud, and suddenly the dark sky seemed like a black hole, sucking me in until I was swallowed whole.
"Jack should be home now," I thought out loud.
Jack was my older brother, he was seventeen. We weren't like ordinary siblings; we never fell out. He had always looked out for me and taken care of me when I was ill. Jack was like the father I'd never had, and every time mum was on a night shift, he'd tuck me up in bed and kiss me goodnight, even though I was nearly eleven.
But not tonight.
Just after mum had gone to work, Jack had told me he was going to Mick's house. This wasn't unusual, they were best friends. But the look on his face told me that something was wrong. Horribly wrong. I tried to ask him what was the matter, but he shouted at me, and slammed the door. He was obviously very tense.
A cold, icy tear fell onto my lap, leaving a dark mark on my skirt. Where was Jack, and was he alright? He would never leave me alone like that, it just wasn't him.
Suddenly I heard something. It was faint at first, and then it grew louder and more frantic. It sounded as though someone was moving things around, like they were looking for something.
I crept out onto the landing. I couldn't see anything, but I could find my way by feeling for the edge of the soft, warm carpet under my feet. My hands were pale and trembling now. Every muscle in my body ached with fear, and I could hear my heart beat slowly thumping in my chest.
The noise was coming from Jack's bedroom. It had changed into a rattling sound, and the sound of feet lightly scurrying on the floor. Jack's voice began to ring in my ears,
"Promise me, Lucy. Promise me you'll never go into my room."
"I promise."
I had always kept that promise, until today. But today was different, and I couldn't bear to ignore the thing that was in Jack's room. I held my breath, and pushed the door open. Then I saw the thing that had made the noise, standing by the window.
It was a girl.
She turned around slowly, aware of my eyes glaring at her. She must have been about eight, with long blonde hair and sharp, blue eyes that looked straight though me. Her eyelids were red, and puffed out, she had clearly been crying. She was barely recognisable, but suddenly I saw who she was.
"Sophie?" I whispered, my voice shaking with shock. The little girl nodded timidly. Sophie was Mick's younger sister. I didn't know her well, but I knew enough about her to know that she shouldn't have been in my brother's room. Her father had been imprisoned for beating up another man. He had been released a month ago, and then shortly afterwards, his daughter, Sophie, had gone missing. And that was around the time when Jack had made me promise never to go into his room...
"But, how?" I stumbled. "Why are you here, Sophie?". Sophie walked over to my brother's bed and sat down, her eyes lowered. I perched next to her, trying to shut out the uncomfortable feeling that was growing in my stomach. Then, she took a deep breath, and for a second, I thought she might drop down dead. But instead, she told me her story:
"My dad sometimes went out late, and when he came home, he was drunk. Then sometimes he was cross with me, and he hit me," she murmured, beginning to snuffle. "After he came out of prison, I thought he would change, but he carried on." I suddenly felt so sorry for the little girl that I barely knew. I didn't realise Mick's dad was so horrible.
"One day, when dad came home, Jack was upstairs waiting for my brother. Dad hit me. Jack must have heard me scream. He ran downstairs, put his hand over my mouth, and brought me back to his bedroom." she explained. So, Jack was the innocent one in all this. He had saved Sophie from her evil father. But now he would be in big trouble if anyone found out. That was why he told me to stay out of his room!
"Where have you been living all this time?" I whispered sympathetically, running my fingers through her beautiful long hair. Sophie pointed to the ceiling, indicating the door to the attic. Of course, the ladder lead right down into Jack's bedroom, so no one ever saw her!
"Jack looked after me, and he gave me food. Sometimes he even climbed up the ladder to talk to me. He promised me that no one would find me up there. He promised that dad would never find me."
"But then tonight Jack looked cross. He said that he had hidden me long enough, and that he was going to finish it, once and for all." she gasped, tears pouring down her cheeks. "I tried to stop him, I really did. But he wouldn't listen. So, he's there now, at our house, with... with dad."
Suddenly, I felt terrified. If Sophie's dad was as violent as she had said, Jack didn't stand a chance. A huge lump welled in my stomach: what if Jack was hurt. Would I ever see him again?
What if he never returned?
What if he was dead already...

Author notes

I hope you liked it!

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • punkrose
    November 22, 2008

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    are you going to make more to the story that was the best story ever you are the best storywriter eve


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    October 23, 2008

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    covered with (clouds),

    It would be good to have a blank line between paragraphs and a blank line separating dialogue.

    This story seems to be part of a larger story you have in mind. Are you going to continue it?

    It really wouldn't be practical or healthy for Jack to keep the little girl in the attic indefinitely. Therefore, the story does need some sort of resolution to the conflict. Keeping her in the attic can only be a temporary solution at best.

    I feel that you could expand on what you've got already and continue from here to a very interesting story. You don't want Jack in trouble with the authorities or killed by the father. You might have the boys go to the authorities about the father who beats Sophie.

    You could also go into more detail about why Lucy thought she should go into Jack's room and what Sophie's experience in the attic had been like. You might touch more on Jack's decision to confront Mick's dad.

    I like this story a lot, but I also feel that you can do a lot more with it. You set the mood well in the beginning. Your characters are interesting, though they could be more developed. The plot is interesting and different.

    Thanks for entering For Serious About Reviews Group Only.

    Andy


  • SignifyingNothing
    September 13, 2008

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    The writing in this is just great- from the opening paragraph describing the moon and invoking feelings of loneliness to the descriptions to the dialog, it all works together very well to set the mood and tone of the piece. Very professionally done, I am impressed!

    My only problem is...where is the rest of the story? I hated that it ended so abruptly, it really had captured my interest and I wanted to know what happened next! So I'm a little bummed out you didn't continue!

    But overall, this was really well written.

  • HoneyAngel
    September 3, 2008
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    This is an interesting piece. It's not a usual plot line and I wonder if you have a part two. Interesting conecpt and you sure display it well. You're a great writer and you explained what happened without it seeming overly cheesy which is a good thing in these kinds of stories.

    Good job and Good Luck.

    Angel.


  • quicksilver moon
    August 31, 2008

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    Interesting story. Its a very good idea with a nice twist in the end. I have a suggestion though with the presentation of the story. That is to give a line's space between two paragraphs. Overall nice work!


  • shtwyturtle
    August 1, 2008
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    Wow

    We're the same age, I see. XD You write very well. People our age usually don't write this well.


    • jennjenn95
      August 9, 2008
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      lol some do, like this story.
      I wrote much better when I was younger, some of the stuff I read over is AMAZING ! I could never write like that now.

  • the shorty
    August 1, 2008

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    Interesting... I hope Jack didn't die, but I have a horrible feeling that he did. I liked the younger sibling's perspective. Nice write.

1 - 8 of 8