Distorted

I am well aware that someone is speaking to me. I cannot understand their words. Nor do I want to. The noise is muted against my own thoughts. Raging, surging, though silent like falling snow. I don't think you've ever heard that sound. It's a lonely thing to hear.1

There were times that I could have reached out. Spread like liquid over concrete. Until there was nothing left to stretch. And I could've done it. I should've done it. I can't now. Things are not the same. I've given myself boundaries. Or perhaps not. That is a grey area. But the point is, is that I have the impression that I'm restricted. And that gives me a sense of helplessness. I loathe being helpless.2

I should have leaped from my security. Made a bold, stupid move. Anything. Yet, I dismissed that moment as being my chance. There were more, though. More chances. And they were perfect. And I watched them flow through my fingers while I stood admiring the thought of warmth. Of Acceptance. God, it was so close. I could literally feel it soaking through to my bones. And for the first time in a long while I felt whole again. Here was a missing piece. What I had waited for so many months. Yes! I held it in my hands.3

So, naturally, being the blind fool that I am, I opened my mouth. Spilled out all that mess of blood and sugar. And I expect that it was nothing more than grit in your teeth as you read my thoughts.4

I wish that you would talk. I wish that I could shut up. I wish I had the courage to go up to you and say, "Have you thought about what I told you?" And suddenly, as I'm typing this, that seems to be an incredibly awesome idea! WOW! Sorry. I just realized that's exactly what I'll do. Oh my gosh. Why didn't I think of it before? I'm having a revelation! WOOT! YES! This is me jumping from my security. This is me making a bold, stupid move. And I have taken your advice. Apathy is a GREAT drug. How so? Because I don't CARE any more if it makes us or breaks us. I just have to know. I just have to know.5