Stop A Bullet1
Chapter One 2
The house smelt like burn out cigarette’s and something familiar that I had grown up with. 3
The smell was not enticing and none the less I could smell the stench of fear a mile away, had come accustomed to it and now it lingered like the drag of a stale cigarette both putrid and unhealthy, filling my lungs with the toxic fumes of starvation for a new and better life and the knowledge that all my wishes in the matter would never prevail; as long as the furious stench wafted though my every, living, day.4
The fear was thick inside the closed in walls of my bedroom. A prison almost,without the bars and my co- criminals, and not even the open windows had been enough to control my feeling of claustrophobia that drifted into the room and consumed me, wrapping itself around me like a chain around wooden box.5
Tonight I lay awake, my eyes pinned to the ceiling with is crackling exterior and the brackets that looked daring enough to snap completely; crushing me into an almost painless, crippled, death. 6
When would the rotten, flesh, eating, memories fade away? I wondered, questioning myself for the first time tonight. When would I be able to breath again without the fear strangling my breath?7
I pricked my ears becoming accustomed to the sounds of the night, not only from the walls , but from the outside as well. 8
Like always it was a typical night, a restless night drifting of to sleep with the shrilling sound of abuse sounding an almost haunting melody through the paper, thin, walls. Pounding the bricks into crumbled ashes of yesterdays. So loud and unnerving that I could almost feel the screeching bursting my eardrums, ringing them into a frenzied, fit, of exhaustion. 9
I had never got used to the sound not even to this very night. It never got any easier listening to Maggie. I could feel her every tired, shriek, biting through my skin like a parasite, slowly eating me away every time her octave raised a higher level until when at last it was near ending the disease had hit his marrow, and was now bone- thick sending my body shuddering into my mattress. 10
I was Glad, knowing that it had stopped the house once again remaining calm, but completely torn because I knew that Maggie was not safe from his malicious, hands.; Not now and not never.11
Trey owned Maggie like a piece of meat. She was not a person but a prize he had to win. Flesh and bones and when aroused more than a lifeless body.12
For I had heard Maggie once say, while speaking to a friend, that the more Trey knew she was aroused, the more he played on it. Like a fiddle, like a violin, in a grotesque, orchestra, of iniquity. 13
Pleasure beyond pain, and pain beyond pleasure.14
It had occurred after hearing that conversation that Trey was no normal offender. That he did not take the easy, brutal, way of handling her body but used other means that to him were more like torture than a sexual fulfillment. 15
Trey was a beast, a pedophile, a delinquent; more animal than human and it had crushed my heart, my organs, my bones, every inch and ounce of my being, knowing that my sister had been so carnally, corrupted. 16
I peeled my eyes open, my body now alert to the sounds that tamed an after dinner special. 17
I waited as they grew unaccustomed to my onyx, surroundings, and directed my eyes towards the open door where a shimmer of light produced enough for my eyes to catch the shadows of the next room dancing on the wall.18
Maggie; I could make out her outline as a larger beast clawed the shadow of torment against the cream, dirt, walls of the hallway. The sight was enough to cause my stomach to churn, knot, and roll over in a manner that was to sickly to describe to any doctor who would ever listen. 19
It was the part of the evening I hated the most and was the most frequent, like a routine or tradition, as soon as the last plate was left in the sink to accumulate mold that would have a health inspector crippling in a ball and screaming for his mother; the routine began and did not deteriorate into the late hours of the night, or the chilling hours of the morning when the clock had stricken 12:00 and the pleading had become almost silent.20
Tonight was no different in the Wilberson/Grant household. Tonight was just another night marked of on the calendar that hung loosely on my Smokey, Black, wall. 21
A night to witness the shadows that reminded me of a horrific play where a woman was tied up to a four post bed, stripped of every layer of clothing that kept her body both innocent and vulnerable ,only to have the monster, the rapist, the sickest of men on the planet violate her slowly and agonizingly, draining and tearing every ounce of faith and belief she had in herself and for the world, but for what?22
Pleasure? satisfaction in the most sadistic way? 23
No I knew the reason behind why these men, men just like Trey turned these women, these girls, their children and wives into voodoo dolls of despair and misery.24
I knew how it triggered them deep inside where it counted in their woefully, unwholesome, hearts and how these women, these beautiful women took every strike of molestation and tirade letting their lives become a plague of misery and resentment ceasing their life long dreams and letting them disappear into a thickening cloud of dominance.25
For what?” I whispered into the silent air, the sonance of Maggie’s profanation flowing from a defining, nightmare into a hushed, surreal, state of freedom.26
“For what is this all for,?” I breathed holding my cross, chain, necklace close to my open, rippled, shirt. 27
“Why Won’t you make it stop?”28
This was a question I had asked myself to many times.29
Every night, nearly every waking moment was a life spent questioning the reasons why my father had left us all in this state, left his daughter and his children’s Mother in the hands of a man so powerful he was a god amongst the household?30
“Go on, get the fucking hell out of my room and get to bed now you dirty bitch.” 31
I heard Trey growl, waiting for the moment when the coast was clear and Maggie would once again be free to walk.32
“Hurry up your mother will be home soon and if she catches us you're bloody in for a good thrashing, do you understand me?”33
I watched the shadow of my sister, tall but hunched over, standing at the doorway, her ripped, night gown blowing from the open window from the beasts bedroom.34
I waited patiently, often wondering what exactly ran through Maggie’s mind when it was all over. Always wondering how she saw herself once he had left her body?35
He was brutal, I could guarantee anyone that. It did not take a rocket scientist to figure it out, but it gnawed at me every so often and taunted me into a sense of regret and guilt, that I was to weak to handle or understand even if I wanted too. 36
He was about as gentle as an African vulture picking his prey with his firm, sharp, beak and tangling himself inside his meal devouring every last scrap until its victim was nothing but a wretched, pile, of worthless carcass and bones. 37
There was no compassion in him, anyone could see it if they looked into his eyes; his saturated, silver, storm, eyes. 38
He was cruel and heartless and more to the point merciless about the way he approached every manner inside his household. 39
He made sure that every living member inside those prison, brick, walls, knew that nearly every waking minute from morning till night; who they were and where they stood, never ceasing to make it known if anyone of them stepped out of line. 40
It horrified me to know the power of his control under normal circumstances. I hated to imagine what his power held in the circumstance he had dragged Maggie and my mother into.41
“Don't make me ask you again,” Trey screamed.42
I sat upright, swinging my legs over the side of my bed, ready to run to Maggie's aid. This did not look good at all.43
What was she playing at? She knew how aggressive he got? Why would she play these games with him? Our mother would be home soon, did she want to get caught?44
Maggie moved backwards pressing her trembling body against the wall as the door was slammed shut, the house now pitch Black. Her figure not even an outline in the dark.45
In those few minute of light I could see Maggie's cheeks stained with tears, her mascara running, making her face look like it had been smothered with dirt. Her night gown looked like it had been torn, but I was not at all certain, it might have been a trick of the light, although knowing Trey; that was unlikely.46
“Maggie?” I said reaching around me for my torch, “Are you still there?”47
I heard no answer, not even the sound of her heavy breathing that I had heard as she stood in had stood doorway while Trey screamed at her.48
“Where the freaking hell is my torch?” I asked myself leaning forward, sliding my hand underneath the bed. I knew I had it here somewhere close by; just in case on an emergency.49
“Maggie?” I asked again finding my torch under a pair of dirty, jeans.50
I flicked the switch on, my own hands trembling with fear scared for her safety more than mine and directed it towards the wall.51
Nothing; she was gone already. She must have gone to her room when he had slammed the door in her face; creep. 52
I could not blame her though.53
I had no idea what was running through her mind or what it must have felt like trying to pick a fight with him. 54
All I knew was that it had been a wise move on her part to retreat to her bedroom given the tone of Trey's voice, anyone with half a mind would of. When it came to Trey he had no time for games.55
Trey was scared though I figured, I could sense it in his aggression. 56
For he had no problem abusing Maggie while my mother was not present, but when it came to my mother 's presence even he was frightened and with good reason for my mother was unpredictable and she had strong intentions on raising her family better than her own parents had.57
If she knew about the things Trey did behind her back she would be crushed and I did not think that Trey would even want that; However brutal he may have been, he still loved my mother.58
I sat still wondering whether or not to check up on Maggie, wondering is she was okay, knowing the answer was obvious and my question plain stupidity. 59
How could she be okay? She had just been raped, of course she was not okay.60
“Why do you have to be so stupid?” I asked myself hearing the bedroom door open once again, the light almost blinding me as it flashed and darted into my own bedroom.61
Trey stepped into the hallway, a sullen frown upon his face, his hands clutching his leather, spiked, belt. 62
I looked at his hands, my eyes scanning him from head to toe. 63
He was like built like a brick; rock, solid, toned and muscular. His body screamed violence. He had me shaking in my boots with just one look in my direction, a look as if he were about to snap my weak, fragile, body, in half with just one, fowl, strike of his hand. 64
“Where is your sister?” he asked roughly, clasping his belt, pulling the strap tight to hold his gritty, jeans, against his hips.65
“In her room I suppose,” I said softly unable to breath let alone speak. 66
He hadn't even touched me and I already felt beaten. I guessed that was what fear and exhaustion did to people. Drained them, made them feel like they had been beaten to a pulp and Trey had done a good job of that, even though he was not aware.67
He nodded turning in the direction of my bedroom.68
“ I see.”69
“Please Don't come in... Please Don't come in,” I whispered to myself, though my whispers did not prevail. 70
Trey stepped into my room, walking towards me. A menace he was, I could feel my heart bruising my chest with each step he took closer. My eyes watering as he blocked the light, tears burning, stinging my eyes with beads like salt.71
Oh god he is going to crush me, I thought to myself. He is going to crush me like an ant and leave me for dead.72
Trey stopped short of my bed leaning forward to pick up one of my school sketch books off the ground. The muscles in his arms bulging and glistening in the light.73
He was drenched in sweat, his torso was covered in it. Not only that it was still dripping from his body, even his hair was matted, stuck to his cheeks as he tried to brush it away from his eyes in annoyance. He sure knew how to take his body to the highest limits.74
“How was school today?” he asked firmly, but friendly, taking me back completely.75
He wasn't going to crush me?76
“It was alright I guess,” I said moving backwards so that I was almost lying back down on the mattress, my breathing increasing in depth, my throat feeling hoarse and dry.77
“Did you have art today son?” he asked leafing through my sketchbook, the abstract art causing his lips to crease, a small, smile, replacing his dominant, frown. 78
I hated it when he called me son. It angered me to the the extent I could feel my blood burning and boiling as it rushed fervently through my veins. 79
I could not decline him though of his chosen title, I never could and never would; That was just asking for it.80
Instead I nodded, keeping my head down to disguise my teary eyes and gritted teeth.81
“Good, well keep it up it looks like you are doing well,” he said tapping my shoulder with my sketch-book, causing my body to jolt.82
I looked up seeing Trey's eyes glazed with sorrow. 83
What did he have to be sorry about?84
He made me feel almost sorry for him, although he had a way of making me feel weak and emotional, just the same as he had a way of scaring me to the point of a heart attack. 85
I knew he was not sorry though. If he was sorry he would never have done it in the first place; And as the feeling of guilt was washed away by the flashes of Maggie's tear-stained face I began to relax a little in an attempt to not make it seem to obvious that he had frightened me.86
“Alright, well I am of to bed now Taint, so I want you to go clean Maggie up before your mother gets home, and when she does let her know that dinner is in the oven okay?”87
I nodded watching as he placed my sketchbook on the end of my bed flashing me a small, smile, before turning his back to me, revealing to me a line of fresh, wounds, across the arch of his upper back.88
I gulped, feeling the saliva almost gagging me as it slid down my throat. I inhaled another deep breath, biting my lip, tempted to ask him how he had gotten them, but not stupid enough to dare. It was obvious where he had got them, but it did not make it any less of a surprise.89
Maggie; She had put up a fight this time. So that was why he was so angry with her, or was it? It had to be, usually he let her of easy, being to tired to complain, but tonight there had been deep, aggression in his voice. 90
She had attempted to seek revenge, however small and sweet. It almost made me smile, knowing that she had overcome a barrier large enough to defend herself the best she could.91
It was better than I could do for her. It gave me faith that she still had that little ounce of strength in herself and that maybe one day she might make a stand. I was proud of her.92
I watched as Trey left my room , glancing down the hallway, running his hands down his rippled body before retuning to his own bedroom, closing the door; until only a fraction of light remained.93
Good he's gone I thought to myself inhaling a deep breath, my body falling back into my mattress. He was gone...for now.
Author notes
Introducing:
The Main character (Taint)Tai
Trey & Maggie (Margaret)
FEEDBACK: Grammar, spelling, Punctuation & Plot !
I am asking for comments because I am trying to grow as a writer. I may not learn fast, but am willing.
Blair
(Novel Stop A Bullet) August National Writing Month Challenge (30, ooo word goal) 2008
(C) All Rights Reserved - Tennille Chase 2008
Novel Inspired by BLACK LIGHT BURNS - Stop A Bullet (Title May Change)
In a list
If you read..Please comment.. honest feedback !!
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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I am sure that some people will jump on this about the spags and stuff, so i will spare you yet another account of that.
Normally, i concentrate on the words used and how they flow since my spags isn't up to par. Lol.
I like the way that this read--you've captured a mood and have made it work for you. We can sympathize with the characters that are being abused and see what a monster the man doing it is.
Not my usual read as I tend to stay away from this kind of subject but, you wrote it well and the words used were precise.
a good job here and i would say, fix the spags and lose the words that are extraneous and continue with this, it promises to be a good and original story.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good start
I wasn't sure whether it should have been "Burnt out" cigs or whether it was "burn out" it does work either way, in its own unique way.
this is the first longish piece I've read from you, and you keep a very strong narrative, which is amazing. The musical terms were slotted in so beautifully, it was deliciously twisted.
All the descriptions of each charatcer were so brutal, it was angry and powerful. The part about the vulture was perfection, an amazing metaphor.
you described the situation so well, you ddin't just tell, you were showing the reader.
The tension created as Trey was in the room was so intense, for me. I couldn't relax, which for me was incredible.
“Why Won’t you make it stop?”28
I think it would look better if the second W was uncapitalised.
This was insanely insane. Maybe when I don't have so much work to do, I'll read the whole thing
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"For I had heard Maggie once say, while speaking to a friend, that the more Trey knew she was aroused, the more he played on it. Like a fiddle, like a violin, in a grotesque, orchestra, of iniquity."
Love that line so much this is beautifully written so far...gritty, raw, and full of so much emotion and pain. I could pinpoint every grammatical error/spelling mistake but I won't because you probably know there are quite a few, and it's a good idea to fix them up since they do distract the reader. "Stop a Bullet" has much promise...I can't wait to read more.
Ink
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omg this so excellent
i could not take my eyes away from it
ur grammer and spelling oculd be better
but other than that iwas excellent. iloved
the plot and the characters were well developed
well done
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I liked this a lot, it was very good. Your discriptions are beautiful and I could easily imagine the dark aura of the house. As for tips, the only thing I can give you is read it over, slowly and carefully. There are a lot of mis-placed captializations and commas. Idk about spelling but other than that, it was wonderful.
I can't say much about ther characters-yet. By the next chapter (I'll read it when I have time), or maybe the one after that, I can give you my opinion.
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I really liked this. One thing I didn't like though, was how many comma's you used through this in places where they weren't needed or as fullstops. Changing that might work better.
Tai is a boy? Until he was called son by Trey I assumed he was a girl, the way this was set out and he thought, sounded like he was a she. I like that but, the way it leaves you in suprise.
Tre sounds like a nasty, harsh character. How brutal. He is a step dad I am guessing?
Great write Blair. I should have read this earlier in time. -
Blair, this is really good, there are some spelling mistakes but hey I make them too. I was surprised that the one telling the story is a boy and not a girl, I thought for sure it was another girl.
Here is one thing that you may want to fix or not.
from area 64: He was like built like a brick
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is a really good beginning =) Full of emotion. I was expecting it from Maggies point of veiw, but I think its more interesting from Tai's. There are a LOT of grammar problems, most of them run on sentences. I suggest going back and watching for them. There are some sentences in this story that seem to never end, the amount of commas you have. Also you're kinda comma crazy! Theres a lot of commas where commas have no right to be, haha!
Even with the grammar issues, its still a wonderful beginning to a powerful story.
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Dark is one way to describe this, full of emotional and imaginitive descriptions. You've caught the main character's reactions perfectly. Nice writing style and very good personification of Trey. Well done
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Brilliant!
It is so emotional and so dark, words cant even describe how good this is! its so dark but at the same time has a glimmering faint light of hope. nice one blair :-)
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Insanely perfect
Dark, Twisted, Mind Bending and absolutely insane. very good...
keep it up
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First things first--para 4: "The smell was not enticing and none the less I could smell the stench of fear a mile away, had come accustomed to it and now it lingered like the drag of a stale cigarette both putrid and unhealthy, filling my lungs with the toxic fumes of starvation for a new and better life and the knowledge that all my wishes in the matter would never prevail; as long as the furious stench wafted though my every, living, day."
Major runon. I would personally have divided it like this:
'The smell was not enticing, and nonetheless I could smell the stench of fear a mile away, had become accustomed to it. Now it lingered like the drag of a stale cigarette, both putrid and unhealthy, filling my lungs with the toxic fumes of starvation for a new and better life, and the knowledge that all of my wishes in the matter would never prevail as long as the furious stench wafted through my every living day."
In addition, too many commas were used throughout. You don't have to use a comma between each adjective.
I liked the story so far. It's not my usual read--not something I'd pick up in a bookstore--but that's just because the subject and style aren't my thing. For what it is, it's pretty well-done, though.
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I really loved the emotion i felt in this. i got attached to the main character and his view of what was happening, i felt sorry for maggie and i felt like i wanted to hurt the Trey guy. It's difficult to get the kind of grasp you had on your characters, which is a good thing that you should build on. Your use of words was good to, but like your other comments say, in my opinion you used a little to much description sometimes, it distracted from the story. Sometimes it's really hard, when you feel such a strong emotion or string of emotions and you dont know how to put it into words. Smothering it in description is one way of doing it, and i respect that you tried it that way, but like i said, i think it was a little distracting.
All in all you had an amazing idea for a story, one that grips your reader and pulls them in. your voice is really good as well, but dulled down by the distractions of grammar errors (you dont have to single out all your adjectives with commas) and the use of to many words. i loved the story, and wanted more after i read what you put here. The plot, though it had no real twist, did it's job and carried the reader to the end of the story. Good job (^_^)
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Chilling.
The writing style is very good, despite grammmatical errors, such as commas. Not really subject matter that I choose to read, but found myself unable to stop. Very compelling. Hope something happens to Trey, though. -
Alright. Well.
I found it a bit wordy and sometimes over descriptive, and during descriptions you often chose to use the same words over again, I.E. "Rippled". Often times you are far too loose with commas, whereas in some places you could have really used them, which also made it a little frustrating to read. It didn't seem to flow too well to me, kinda like nervous writing, but maybe it's just cuz I was reading it in a hurry. As for the plot, well I'd say it was good, but I just couldn't hold on to it because between all of everything else I found it a little bit difficult to grasp. XD Sorry, I'm a terrible critic. Your characters do seem pretty well developed though. ^-^ -
ARE YOU OUT THERE?
You thought I was critical...I hope you read Gezza's comments...AND took them seriously. That was quite a thoughtful and rather comprehensive...and very well meaning critique he left you. I really hope you read it carefully, take it seriously and LEARN from it...BEFORE YOU EVEN post another piece...WITH THE SAME MISTAKES! I started to read this piece...with my usual high hopes and open mind (really)...but, like I promised you earlier, stopped after error # 5 (even though I admit going a bit beyond...but you persist! So...
It beagn with #1...Smelt = SMELLED
#2...Burn out = BURNED OUT
#3...None the less = NONETHELESS
#4...had come = had BECOME
#5...closed in walls = CLOSED-IN WALLS
#6...bedroom. = BEDROOM,
#7...A prison = a prison
#8...co-criminals, and not = co-criminals. NOT EVEN
#9...completely; crushing = completely, crushing
#10..crippled death = crippling death
One more: flesh, eating = FLESH-EATING
Tsk!
Also, please note, the lengthy and rather awkward sentence at the top of P3 is unwieldy and way too long. You ought WORK on this...and think about it...and read it aloud!
G -
Soooo goood!
All I'm going to have to say is you are using commas too much, as in: he had a line of, fresh, wounds. You should put "he had a line of fresh wounds". Other than that, it's a dark and wonderful beginning to a story, the characters are strong, I can tell that already, and...yeah. Keep it up! -
"The house smelt like burn out cigarette’s..." You meant "burned", right? And there should not be an apostrophe there.
"co- criminals"? Accomplices?
"...my eyes pinned to the ceiling with is crackling exterior.." Change is to its.
"..the rotten, flesh, eating, memories.." "the rotten, flesh-eating memories".
"When would I be able to breath again without the fear strangling my breath?" First one should be breathe. And breath cannot be strangled, it can, however, be hindered.
"..through the paper, thin, walls." "paper-thin walls."
"..ringing them into a frenzied, fit, of exhaustion." No commas.
"I could feel her every tired, shriek, .." I'm not quite sure what you mean by that but I understand the rest of the sentence, that is, until I get to this part: "the disease had hit his marrow, and was now bone- thick sending my body shuddering into my mattress." I think you meant to start a new sentence with that. And as well with the first sentence of the next paragraph.
"..grotesque, orchestra, of iniquity." No commas. "..carnally, corrupted." None there either.
"..calendar that hung loosely on my Smokey, Black, wall." Random capitalizations?
"He made sure that every living member inside those prison, brick, walls, knew that nearly every waking minute from morning till night; who they were and where they stood, never ceasing to make it known if anyone of them stepped out of line." I don't understand this paragraph at all.
"..half a mind would of." "would have."
Well, you have a lot of unnecessary punctuation. There was more than what I pointed out, but it was all in the same light anyhow so it's not hard to figure out. I'm really liking what you have so far. I'm quite interested, which is a good thing. I got a good sense of imagery as well. I wish you luck with the rest and if you post more let me know. I like your writing style and descriptions.
x Julez -
WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
You read above. Kk? WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! -
Commentary Critique
There's something about the plot that I just loved- but can't figure it out just yet but nevertheless kudos for keeping me enthralled.
Now as for the opening lines of this story, the only critique I'll point out is that it felt a bit awkwardly written.
_______
You have:
The house smelt like burn out cigarette’s and something familiar that I had grown up with.
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Now if you were to perhaps say 'BURNT OUT CIGARETTES' it will sound more fluid and not as awkward.
Other from that, very good story. -
I'm loving this
It's a fantastic opening.
At the beginning I was kind of wondering if the story was going anywhere, because there was just a lot of descriptions, but then it unfolded and I was like WHOA! AWESOME!
lol.
I won't go through punctuation and grammar and spelling and stuff because Gezza has already taken care of that. lol. Very thoroughly, too.
The plot's pretty good. I mean, I like where it seems to be going. I can't wait to read more!
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Yes, a very good opening to a compelling story. Good job on the step-father. You added a little character depth to him at the end and that will help as you go along on this journey.
Looks like everyone else caught most of your grammatical and spelling errors so I won't rehash the same stuff. Good luck with this and I'm curious to see where you take it next.
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yeah its so discriptive! I love it and ill be sure to read the next chapter.
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Wow my little vampire queen you are rishing to be Emperss of the vampires . You just keep on amazing me with your talent cann't wait for more of this well writtten and just paln great story.
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I really like this. I hope you will write more chapters. One thing I've noticed though is that you use commas between words that are only supposed to have a space between them.
Other than that I didn'y notice much wrong. Great work!
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Wow! Your writing seems to have changed so much with this one. I love the descriptions and words that you're using as well as the plot. This has to be one of the best pieces of yours that I have read. The vividness and emotions in it are just incredible.
I feel so sorry for Maggie, poor thing. That dad just makes me want to cut something off and it's not his fingers *evil grin* I'll definelty be watching to read more of this one.
~Joann
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A strong piece
I enjoyed this very much for a lot of reasons. I like the long sentences because they assist with the sense of unending emotional and physical pain that the character and the sister was sustaining - but at the same time there are a lot of instances where the sentences were simply too long and disrupted the reader's flow. I also liked the choice of many words that instilled a sense of the hatred and sense of hopelessness of the main character - this was in my view the highlight of the chapter.
Overall it was a compelling and emotional work. Question: I got a sense toward the end, by way of the descriptions, that the main character was highly sensitive to Trey's physicality, and it was almost sexual - is this intended? If so, it makes the chapter very compelling and mysterious.
Now, I think you have a long way to go with grammar and flow. I took the trouble of going meticulously through your work - I hope you don't mind - to point out weaknesses. Some are my view only, but I am pretty sure most are legitimate. I strongly suggest lots of practice and read a lot with the view of looking at grammar. You'll get there!
Here it goes:
para 1 and 2 - don't need them here, as the title has got it.
para 3 - "smelt" could be written as "smelled" - up to you, but I prefer the latter. "burn out" should be written as "burned-out".
para 4 - need to split the two obvious paras that are marked the same. You use the word "smell" too often - apart from the previous para, you use two in the same first sentence here. Try synonyms ("reek", "aroma", "odour" etc). The other issue with the first sentence is that it is far too long - break it up, as it doesn't flow especially well. "closed in" might be better hyphenated. last sentence is also too long - suggest breaking into two, at "criminals".
para 5 - not sure the meaning you use with "daring". The semi-colon is not really appropriate as I am assuming that "crushing" onwards is a direct consequence of the previous part of the sentence - semi-colons should only be used for partially related continuation of sentences.
para 6 - "rotten, flesh, eating, memories" should be "rotten, flesh-eating memories".
para 7 - if you prick your ears, you are doing something immediately - perhaps "I pricked my ears, having become accustomed..."
para 8 - first sentence - "of" should be "off". "Shrilling" should be "shrill". "sounding" is too much of a repeat for the earlier "sound", so perhaps substitute with something else. "paper, thin, walls" should be "paper-thin walls". "Pounding the bricks into crumbled ashes of yesterdays" sounds nice but is mixing metaphors - replace "ashes" with something connected to "bricks" - perhaps "remains". "screeching" could be better as "screeches". "frenzied, fit, of exhaustion" doesn't need any commas.
para 9 - first sentence, add a comma after "sound". No comma after "tired". The last sentence is far too long - break it up if you can, or shorten it.
para 10 - "Glad" should be lower case. The paragraph is a bit disjointed - are you trying to say that you are glad when the noise stops, and the house becalms calm? - if so, this isn't clear in the sentence. You have a semi-colon that should be removed.
para 11 - a comma after "bones" and "aroused".
para 12 - "grotesque, orchestra, of iniquity" should not have commas. I liked this phrase (and para).
para 14 - don't need commas in "easy, brutal, way".
para 15 - i suggest "my organs, my bones - every inch and ounce of my being - knowing...". No comma after carnally. Again, a very good paragraph.
para 17 - suggest combining with para 16. Shouldn't "unaccustomed" be "accustomed"? No comma after onyx (not sure it is a good metaphor - onyx is VERY black, so it might be hard to get accustomed to - although it does sound good).
para 18 - suggest "Maggie;" end in a full stop - I don't think a semi-colon is appropriate. The latter part of the sentence is a bit disjointed - suggest: "a large beast clawing her shadow of torment against the creamy, dirty walls of the hallway" - I hope I anticipated what you were trying to say.
para 19 - Firstly, far too long a sentence again - perhaps you are trying to add colour to too many things - the mold description was perhaps a bit too exaggerated - perhaps it is better just to use an adjective in front of "mold". You shouldn't use the semi-colon here as it really was a new sentence in terms of purpose. "Deteriorate" implies destruction, where you really meant a lessening effect - try "diminish until the late hours..." "Stricken" is not appropriate - try "struck".
para 20 - "of" should be "off". Lower case "s" in "Smokey". Last two commas aren't needed.
para 21 - The first few words of the first sentence don't flow with the remainder. Try "This night witnessed shadows that...". Break up the next sentence with hyphens: "the rapist - the sickest of men on the planet - violate.." Suggest "but for what" be a separate sentence - it adds an extra pause of thought for the reader. Watch where spaces and commas are placed from a position point of view.
para 22 - capital s in "Satisfaction".
para 23 - perhaps a semi-colon after the first "No". Probably don't need the word "behind". Comma after "Trey".
para 24 - long sentence again. no commas after "woefully" and "unwholesome". Put a comma after the second "women".
para 25 - Get rid of comma after "defining". Profanation is a good and accurate word - but would it confuse some readers? Could it have been simplified to "desecration" or "defilement" or something like that?
para 26 - get rid of first comma. Put one in after "breathed". "cross, chain, necklace" doesn't read - how about "chain neckace with cross"?
para 27 - "Wont" should be lower case.
para 28 - "to" should be "too".
para 29 - suggest changing "Every night, nearly every waking moment was a life" to "Nearly every waking moment of every nigh was a time". Also, change "left his daughter and his children’s Mother" to "left his daughters and their mother" - btw, "mother" really should be lower case.
para 31 - This sentence isn't clear. Was the growl related to the previous para?- is so, then para 30 and 31 should be combined.
para 33 - no comma after "ripped". "beasts" should be "beast's".
para 35 - "taunted" doesn't seem quite appropriate - "lulled"? "to" should be "too" just before "weak".
para 36 - a very powerful paragraph. Perhaps "picking his" could be "picking at his". comma after "meal". the last two commas are not needed.
para 37 - the first comma should be a semi-colon. the semi-colon you used should be a hyphen. the last bit should be: "his saturated silver, stormy eyes."
para 39 - "prison, brick, walls" could perhaps be better written as "brick walls of prison"? "that" could possibly be better as "it". "anyone" should be "any one".
para 43 - The second sentence is a statement, not a question. Last comma should be a semi-colon.
para 44 - "Black" should be lower case.
para 45 - "minute" should be "minutes" - but you might want to consider "moments". The semi-colon near the end should be a comma.
para 46 - comma after "torch" should be a full stop.
para 47 - two "heard"s used - not good for flow. Perhaps "There was no answer, ..."
para 48 - comma after "myself". remove "here" - not needed and wrong tense. "on" should be "of".
para 49 - comma after "again", remove the comma after "dirty".
para 50 - a little clumsy. Don't need "own". Also really don't need "scared". I would suggest removing "more than mine and directed it towards the wall" altogether.
para 51 - suggest getting rid of "already". Suggest full stop after "face". "Creep" a one word sentence.
para 54 - comma should be replaced by a hyphen or a colon.
para 55 - comma replaced by semi-colon.
para 56 - "for" may not be needed. Long sentence - suggest finishing sentence at "reason". Then you can start the next with "My mother".
para 57 - Did you mean "ever" when you wrote "even"? "However" should be lower case.
para 58 - add "if" after wondering.
para 59 - hyphen instead of comma.
para 60 - comma after "myself".
para 61 - remove comma after "spiked".
para 62 - semi-colon should be a colon. Consider removing "rock,". Remove commas before and after "body".
para 63 - remove comma after "gritty" - good word by the way.
para 64 - add comma after "softly".
para 67 - add comma after "nodded".
para 69 - in both cases - "Don't" should be lower case. "my whispers" seems a repetition - perhaps replace those two words with "it".
para 70 - "watering" should be "watered" - tense issue again.
para 73 - semi colon instead of comma after "body".
para 76 - comma after "said" - have you considered "replied"?
para 77 - comma after "asked". remove commas before and after "smile". Also remove after "dominant".
para 78 - put inverted commas around "son" - "'son'".
para 79 - first comma replaced by a semi-colon. The existing semi-colon should be the end of the sentence.
para 81 - semi-colon after "up".
para 85 - small "a" in "And". Did you want "mental" before "flashes"? comma after "face". "to" should be "too".
para 86 - "of" should be "off". comma after "does".
para 87 - comma after "nodded". remove commas after "small", "fresh" and "wounds".
para 89 - "or was it?" should be a stand-alone sentence. Same with "It had to be". Then the next sentence can read: "He usually let her off easy" (noting "of" is "off"). remove comma after "deep".
para 90 - last sentence clumsy at the end. "barrier" isn't really right - I would have thought that he was much more than that. The words after that don't make a lot of sense, although I know what you are trying to say. Think about rewriting that bit.
para 91 - add "what" after "than". "make" might be better as "take".
para 93 - commas after "Good" and "myself".
Well done. I think this has a lot of promise.
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its really good i like it keep up the great work (im not to good at comments^^
Cleo Grims -
It is a powerful start to your novel. Some of your sentences are a bit heavy, I think this is because you are trying to create imagery in your writing. If you are going to write descriptive prose, it needs to match the scene and the characters in it.
e.g. Take Dracula for instance, I don't think he'd talk like Ron Weasley. Dracula might talk more like Dumbledore, and Dumbledore doesn't talk like Ron Weasley.
I noticed some word repetition, such as the word "Beast." You use it a lot, and it stands out. Try another word or two which are very close in meaning.
Do edit, often. As many times as you need. When I edit, I go from the bottom of the work; the flaws stand out better, and the story line doesn't get in the way. If I go from the top, I get involved, then I go off the track and add more stuff!
I really think this piece is worth the extra time and effort.
Good luck with the NaNoWriMo thing. I'm not brave enough to attempt it.
Regards,
Lis.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I loved the story. One or Two very minor mistakes. But there is still one thing i don't get, is Taint a guy or a girl? Im guessing a guy, but im not sure. Anyway, great story.
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So it's pretty good; I love the imagery and themes. There are a number of punctuation and general grammar errors, and while they are a bit distracting, they can mostly be overlooked or easily fixed.
However, your prose is overly-descriptive. It's not BAD, but at times it sounds contrived. It's "thick" and often redundant, filled with run-on sentences that over-analyze everything until the beautiful imagery you create is lost.
It seems kind of angsty at times, but I'm assuming it's from the point-of-view of a teenager, so that's to be expected. Also, since I am assuming the narrator is a teen, the writing style seems "off" and unrealistic. I really don't know many teenagers who write or speak like this in reality, no matter how fucked up their situation is.
I like the metaphors and similies you use; "He was about as gentle as an African vulture" is my favourite, in particular.
Overally, quite good.
I hope this comment helped a bit. :] -
*smelled (smelt isn't a word)
*flesh-eating
p10 Not now and not ever (you don't want to use a double negative)
p11 "...and, when aroused, no more than a lifeless body.
p15 no comma after carnally
p37 no comma after silver
p86 *off
That was really good. It was disturbing, but very well-written. The imagery and details were there to such a fine point. As somewhat freaky as the story was, it drew me in. I was fascinated. Good job and good luck with your contest! -
wow. that was really something. in a good way, it was very descriptive and interesting. keep up the amazing work
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A solid plot so far, I'll have to read future installments.
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