Today is February 23rd – the day I have secretly dreaded all month long - the day of my Chemotherapy treatment. I walk through the hospital doors like I have so many times before. I see the variation of faces and walks of life as I make the long journey to the 5th floor. From a young, obviously thrilled new father who proudly walks out of the gift shop carrying a box of “It’s a Boy!” bubblegum cigars, to the elderly man in the wheelchair gasping through an oxygen mask for what might be his last breath. I say to myself, “You don’t belong here,” but unfortunately I know I do. Who would think at the ripe old age of 22, I would be diagnosed with such a deadly disease? Just doesn’t seem quite fair. Of course, nothing in life ever is. Life was definitely not fair when my mother was taken from me 4 years ago, at the age of 46, when she died of breast cancer. Nope, life is not fair at all.1
I walk into the clinic entrance greeted by the stares of strangers who probably think I am lost and simply coming in to ask the receptionist for directions to another area. The silence is deafening to me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to wake up and realize this was all just a bad dream. I take a deep breath and try to contain the rage building within me. Oh yeah, this happens every time. I go from feeling sorry for myself, to getting just plain pissed off. So angry that I have to go through something like this while other girls my age are only concerned about what they are going to wear when they go out tonight. My mother always told me that God will only give you as much as He thinks you can handle. I think He got me confused with someone else. This “someone else” has to be a stronger person who has her head on straight. Someone who believes in herself enough to know everything will work out fine. Yep, He confused me with someone else - that’s surely it. 2
I am so deep in thought, I don’t even hear the first time they call my name. I then realize I am the Jennifer they are speaking to. I stand up to follow the overly cheery nurse to the back and suddenly a rush of adrenaline races through me. Should I go with her? Should I make a mad dash out the door and never look back? Should I just totally collapse on the floor and give up right here, right now? But, once again, I somehow keep my composure and even give the nurse a slight grin as I follow her back to what I now endearingly call “the dungeon”. 3
“Ah, what nice pretty veins you have,” she says jokingly, obviously trying to break the monotony of the moment. Her name tag says “Nancy, R.N.”. I don’t remember seeing her before. They seem to have a new staff here every time I come. The employee turnover rate in this area has to astronomical. I am sure one could get depressed very easily in this line of work. I know I couldn’t stand to see dying people day after day.4
With one long stick, I am off to the races and my treatment has begun. I lean back and close my eyes, drifting off into my secret hiding place and praying the aftereffects won’t be so harsh on me this time. I chuckle to myself thinking how ironic all of this is considering I tried to take my own life just 6 months earlier. Now I am here doing this shit to try to stay alive. 5
In complete relaxation, I am able to leave my body and go to a happier place. I see the few good memories of my childhood. Being 6 years old again, in the kitchen with my mom, and the sweet smell of home baked cookies filling the entire house. I see summers at our beach house with my best friend – her and I lying on the beach, dreaming and planning our future. Of course we would remain best friends, living side by side in a quaint little town with our rich husbands and beautiful children. I see what I wish my life was and what I hope it will someday be. Even at 23, I realize I still live in a dream world. But, now my dreams are more realistic and I truly hope that one day, they will all come true.6
I open my eyes to dimmed lights as I am jolted awake by the machine shutting off. I sigh deeply and congratulate myself for making it through yet another treatment. I only have one to go. Hopefully, that will be the last time I ever have to step foot in this God forsaken place. I am sadly reminded of what this evening has in store for me – a night full of getting sick, wishing my hair was as thick as it used to be, and reassuring myself I will again find that 15 pounds I have lost during this whole process. 7
I get up, put on my coat, and walk out the clinic door. I feel somewhat normal as I leave the hospital. That feeling will be short lived, but for now, I relish in it. Once again, I did it!! I feel so proud and literally pat myself on the back. It is such a great feeling to know that I will be ok. Even if it was only for one more day, it would all be worth it…8
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Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Wow... that's all I can say. I'm glad you're okay, and I wish you nothing but the best in the future.
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This one really gets me cause i lost my grandpa just this year to cancer and im crying as i type this it just brings back so much. Besides that good job its wonderful.
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This really hits close to home for me bc my grandpa died of cacer and my best friend is in remission. Great job!
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WOW, this is so touching, i dont know how you feel but i leave my best wishes here with you
~someone who cares
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now thats ah wee bit tense.... It must be alot of hell!!gets a gold star for captain obvious but yea still have one thing that shines well...Hope and man it is like a pandoras box. I mean every single soul whom lives and breaths in this realm goes through thier own personal hells and sorrows, anguishments so forth and so on.... But it takes some one little extra special to tell the world HEY look at me this was my pain and sorrows this is the kind of shit I had to endure.... And then you can in the future look back on this read and smile and say I lived through it its done... Now my past is reflected and making the soul stronger... Very spirited indeed...
Much respects
~Wolf Wisper~ -
I can barely read this. I haven't been on in a few days. I hope you are doing well. I love you and hope you're doing well.
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This is so heart wrenching to me, my mother is getting chemo right now for breast cancer. She goes once a week she has six more to go. She is always so nervous right before she goes in. Just like you describe. I wish you all the best in the world Take care of yourself
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all that made me tear up. Very good write tho i like it alot..Best Wishes to you and i hope u get better. 
p.s passionate-kisses if yur reading this DO U EVEN HAVE A F** HEART AT ALL? how dare u go run your mouth like 2 sum1 who has cancer. she was writing about how she was feeling n it helps alot 2 write that all out she was kind enough 2 share about her life n u have 2 go fuck things up. "glares" I can't beleive you and yur the 1 thats pathetic! i hope u read this comment n remember this. so stop being a bitch n have a heart.
to the write sorri 4 the blow up i hate rude ppl any way gr8 write i like it alot keep it up n best wishes 2 u 4ever n always
Amber -
hope you get well
Wow..truly this is so sad this has happened too you..I hope all will be well with you..and just wanted to say reading your comments..how rude one can be!! you take care -
Great wrute....like everyone's told you already... you did a great job at writting it. I don't really know what to say except that I really hope it all gets better for you..as best as it can.. Best wishes,
~Sandra -
My god, this is like reading my father's diary only it's yours. The very same feelings...it's making me nostalgic.
And fuck you, passionate-kisses. She is not asking for pity. If you don't like it, then fuck off, keep your fucking mouth shut. No one needs your crap. I'd think that, since you claim to have gone through this, you'd be a little more understanding. But I guess not. Some people are pathetic and that's you.
Sorry for going off tangent there. People like that piss me off. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope things get better for you. Take care.
~CT -
The writing in this piece is done skillfully and the scene is vividly described. I send my prayers and good wishes your way.
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i say fuck passionate-kisses,,i feel sorry for them already, having the fucking nerve to bitch at someone who is having the courage to spill their guts out about the personal shit they are going through, i say if you dont like it then keep your damn words off the page and piss off, or have something constructive to say
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Wow... Could you be anymore pathetic..... This is so sappy..... And I thought when you said you cut your wrist was pathetic you really went over the line here.... You really got people feeling sorry for you.... As if the whole"HELP ME I THINK I JUST MIGHT KILL MYSELF TODAY" wasnt enough..... You should really sit down and think about other people besides yourself..... There are so many people out there right now dying from Cancer and I am one of them.... And I'm sorry but I am so sick you your kind of people.... The ones who are like"FEEL SORRY FOR ME CAUSE I HAVE CANCER" Shut up.... Noone wants to here it anymore...... get over yourself... Stop playing the poor pitty me shit.... Its getting really old!!!!!
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Of course we would remain best friends, living side by side in a quaint little town with our rich husbands and beautiful children. Easily my favorite part. It relieves the pain...
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great write
this is an awsome story. I like how its in first-person. It shows a lot about what having cancer is like. it was kinda sad. Keep penning -
cancer.... that took away my godmother when i was only 12. it was a very sad time and ill be behind you all the way.. hope ya around for millions of years jenn...
always loved ya i dont understand this world at times so stay in good spirits and you will get through this
* Cries * -
Wow...I hope everything is okay with you. It was a very sad, but good story!
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aaaaaaw jenn this was so sad to read I hopes you are ok and everything is cool
love ya loads
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Damn girl... You should write a book or something because thatpiece of writing was shit hot! Of course the subject isn't as great (Knows I am mad for wanting to work with oncology kids... but hey... I am odd)
You will beat this thing Jenn because I think you are strong. Not many people could come out in this world, take the crap that you have and still manage to get on with things. I know some days are worse than others but I know deep down in my heart you can do this.
Love ya lots hunny
Hayles x x x x x x -
I'm sorry Jenn. I had no idea. *is ashamed* I love you honey.
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i'm glad you did well jenn i knew you were strong and i know you'll be strong through the next one...i dont think that god confused you with anybody...look at what you've already gone through and tell me you aren't strong
you're just lying to yourself...thats all...you have an entire army standing behind you who support you and love you...i cherish every moment i talk to you...you will be strong and so shall you grow stronger...
~Psychotic- i mean psychic
twinkie buddah 
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WOW...I don't think words can accurately decribe my thoughts as I read this...I simply cannot fathom what going thru something like this would be like...I mean I lost my grandfather to lung cancer before I was old enough to really know what was going on...but to simply experience all the emotion that goes with being the one in the "hot seat" is something that I cannot imagine..however I know this has been a very trying time for you and its nice to see you sit down and write out what you've been feeling..and it takes alot of courage to sit down and write out all the feelings you've had during this process and let others take a peak inside what you reality is and what you have to go thru...always remember that there are people that care about you and would go to the ends of the world to do what they could for you and always want to see you happy...thanks for sharing this glimpse into you day with us...Love, Me
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Oh my Gosh Jenn..I almost cried.
I love you so friggin much. I just want to stab myself for all the bullshit Ive given you ontop of all of this.
I love you so much, more than anything. Your my sister, and just..ugh *huggles you*
This was an excellent write..youre amazing.
Jenn
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wow.. -tears up a lil- my grandpa died two christmases ago from cancer, so this was a lil hard to read. but this is very very good, and the last paprgraph was really sadadn inspirational. great job!!!
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this was very hard for me to read, even though it ended in happiness, if only short lived. My mother dies of lung cancer in 1997, and no matter what they did to savew her, it was usless. She died slowly and painfully, I miss her dearly. I, however, stand in applause to hear the stories of triumph, and for those who can beat the most horrific ilnness, well at least to me it is. If this story is about you my Jenyy jenn jen, you have my love and support to see you through such a trying time in your life. May the gods and goddesses of life, and health look over you and make this blackness of cancer, set you free. well done
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