Shally was an unlucky girl the moment she was born. She was born with endless blood, that which, made her a perfect target for vampires. They found that out when she cut herself at age two, and wouldn't stop bleeding. After they took her to the hospital, the doctors found out she had an endless supply of blood. After they told her parents, they grew frantic. The parents felt like they had to ACT. Stop their only baby from being a vampire target all her life. 1
But, at sixteen, they thought she would be too wise to run into a vampire. So wasn't alloud anywhere outside again until her sixteenth birthday. When they finnaly let her out, Shally decided it was good to be free.2
She feet the rough barks of the trees, breathed in the fresh, cool, air, and jumped around as far and high as she could. How was it dangerous out here? 'Outside' was glorious, how dare her parents lock her in all those years!?!3
Heated with anger, Shally ran away. So far, that she couldn't see the path to her home. 'They would never find me now!' Shally thought victoriously. It was the battle she had won after loosing to it for sixteen years. Now.....what was left to do after the long battle was over? 4
The people would go home from a war, but where would SHE go?? Shally was glad to be out of the stone-cold house with serious stone-cold faces. But...what could she do? 5
"What SHOULD I do??" Shally wisperd aloud. She had her fun, an now was done. But she ruined things for everyone...What if those beasts were near? The ones her mom and dad told her about. What were they called? What could they be called.....6
'Vampires!' Shally rememberd.7
But they were just fake. Made to scare her into keeping herself inside....It had to be a joke. A horrible joke. But no one was laughing. Only crying, probably, because she ran.8
"I'll go back!" Shally told the Autumn wind.9
The sky was getting very gray, wind was wispering its secrets. It was a good time to go back. But where was back? There wasn't the slightest path anywhere near her to the house...If only she didn't run so far.....Tears crawled slowly down her cheeks and onto her neck.10
A figure lurked in the distance, closing their gap in seconds. Sharp, white, long teeth were resting on the figures lips. Shally halted. Her heart was thumping, and her mind racing. This beast...can only be a vampire.11
"So you're the one with endless blood. I'm glad I found you. You see...I'm gentle. Lemme show you." He hissed.12
His teeth were near her neck in half a second.13
Author notes
I had to write this idea.....
Is the story OK, and/or original?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I love this Julia! I love the end and the unique idea that she has endless blood. It was very interesting and original.
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Sounds really intersting. And what a cliff at teh end I like that she is special because of her blood. Makes it more creative. was great adn look forward to more! Keep writing!
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Very interesting. I like your idea. This could use some rewording but besides that its pretty good. ^^ Keep up the good work!
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It's original. Some of the sentences should be reworded, but
I like the overall fable tone to it.
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Ok, so 2 people said it was good, and one interesting. So I'm here to critique it. First of all, the girl Shally. How did her parents know she was endlessly blooded? Or had an unlimited supply of blood? If they had kept her inside all these years, assuming from the moment they brought her home, they would have needed to know quick after birth. Maybe edit this and describe the situation in which they discover this abnormality. Such as she trips at the age of six, starts bleeding and doesn't stop. They take her to the hospital and learn this defect.
At 16, her parents let her out because after 3-4 years of an adolescent, they finally decided to let her die. Let her outside. It had a good plot, and idea, and besides some lacking qualities, it was good. I'm not a spell checker, so I'll overlook the errors.
Keep Writing!
-Kieran
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I wanted to do that, but I'm lazy, and a slow typer....But I'll think of that, thanks for the critique.
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It's pretty good so far. You have a nice plot going.
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Thank you so much! I don't deserve all this.....I was thinking of it for a while.....Nevermind! Thanks for the comment!!!!!
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interesting...
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Thanks! I hoped it would be ok!
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wow, that was really good!! I hope you continue with this idea!!
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Thanks a alot! I.....just wanted a cliff-hanger ending.
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