Many Shades of Gray 1
PROLOGUE2
A whispering wind played lullabies as it blew through crystal leaves that acquired color changes from the notes. Shades of orchard swelled to purple or faded into pampered pinks and powdery violets. Waterfalls of radiant shades of rainbow colors inserted their plaintive tunes. Atamar was not a generous host and gentle moments like this on the small planet’s surface were of short duration.3
The couple stepped into a stand of umber pines. She yanked her hand from his. In her grumbling it was evident that she didn’t appreciate any of these fantastic sights. Since he had intentionally brought her to the gardens he was disappointed when she didn’t appear at all impressed by their beauty. 4
'You were holding hands with a general!' He struggled not to laugh out loud. 5
The highlighted blonde hair of this general was on a level with the tall lieutenant’s shoulder. Her uniform was constructed to down play the body beneath. So while it fit snugly to minimize wrinkles it gave no hints of feminine curves. Icons that adorned her collar and chest advertised her rank and many accomplishments. Her hard eyes matched the lieutenant’s own gray shade but while his twinkled with mirth, the general’s were cynical.6
“You didn’t always have blonde hair?” he said.7
“So, that’s important?” 8
He knew she was going to make this difficult. She might admit the face was familiar from old photographic images, but it didn’t belong on this body adorned in the alien clothing he wore like a second skin.9
“My name is Lieutenant Anderson O’Brian,” he said. 10
“You are out of uniform, O’Brian. You have an explanation?” 11
“Lack of a tailor. Sir.” He added the ‘Sir’ as an afterthought. If she noticed it made no impression. He paused to pluck several ruby colored fruits; offering her one, he bit into the other. 12
She followed the action and her remarked, "Not bad," was another unpleasant surprise. 13
“How could anyone not be impressed by this flavor?” 14
She took another small nibble then tossed it away in disgust. “When you’ve survived on synthesized food...” She paused and snapped, “That’s not important.” 15
He halted to demonstrate a flaming bush by only changing the shade of its flowers from apricot to brilliant orange. 16
She barely glanced at the oddity before she sank on to a convenient rock and demanded in her best officer’s tone, "Give it to me straight, O’Brian, how long have you been here?" 17
"I'm not sure.” He hovered above her by standing tall. “The Conamar found me badly injured some time back-- patched me up." He gave a soft laugh before he continued. "Made me as good as new, I think. I haven't discovered any parts they left out." 18
"Or added?"19
He felt uncomfortable. ‘She’s studying me like a bug.’ He felt anger. Why should she presume there was something weird about him when actually she was the one in the wrong time and place. "Just a damn minute!" 20
"Hold on. Don’t flip out." A brazen grin played at the corners of her mouth. "I wasn't trying to be nasty lieutenant. How long do you figure you've been here?" 21
He received the impression she thought she was talking to a certified idiot. “Not certain, a year? Maybe a little more." 22
"Try thirty some years?"23
"Hell no! The ship I left Earth on didn't have any fancy sci-fi machines to freeze dry me!" 24
"Look, O’Brian or whatever the Hell you call yourself, stop yelling at me." Her own tone wasn't exactly subdued. But then her voice dropped and she motioned to another large rock. “Park,” she said. A curious smile formed on her mouth as she watched him seat himself. His long legs stuck straight out meshing into the tall grass like slender fallen logs.25
"I don't have the answers.” She continued. “ I can give you a few particulars. Nearly thirty-five years ago, by our calendar, a spatial phenomenon, we tagged The Rift, formed in an area of space close to Earth’s moon. 26
“My father's name happened to be Anderson O'Brian. He was a pilot on one of the ships sent to investigate. Several weeks later the remains of the others were recovered. My father’s ship was never found so it was assumed he made it through The Rift. It took two more years before another attempt was made. 27
“Those ships returned with one hell of a tale. Another star system with several unpopulated planets with breathable atmosphere. Can you imagine the reaction?" 28
Interested but still peeved by her superior attitude he said, "More land to pollute." The look she gave him reflected her lingering disgust. He regretted the outburst. The last thing he wanted was for her clam up. There were too many answers he was desperate to learn. 29
She stood and brushed off the seat of her trousers. She slapped the helmet she’d been carrying in her left hand against her thigh in a gesture of agitation. "We didn't see it that way. Most of us saw it as a second chance for mankind. Relief for our over-populated Earth."30
Quickly he got back to his own feet. "So you built the armada loaded with the means to clone whatever armies you needed and set off to conquer those planets?" 31
"Not exactly O’Brian. I told you, we believed they had no sentient life. Our mission was to colonize those planets. As for human cloning, that started as individual cell copying for medical purposes. Eventually a group in London discovered they could clone an adult; bypassing the childhood stage entirely. Some of those scientists accompanied our Colony Ships. The reasoning was we could carry less people then clone those needed to build a colony. The clones could remain while, the Originals would return to Earth with the necessary information so new colonists could come to populate the planet." 32
"Colony ships?" he said as a question that reflected his knowledge of what those ships had been doing in the Star system of Atamar. 33
"We were colony ships.” She went to her knees at the edge of one of the sliver-blue ponds that dotted the gardens. She cupped her hand and scooped the liquid, and he watched with her as it drizzled through her fingers. “We were sent off with prayers.” She seemed to be reminiscing. 34
“An awful lot of people believed God had opened The Rift for the benefit of mankind. Only we didn't find that new horizon. Either we took a wrong turn or were spit out in the wrong place.” Her voice now hinted of desperation. "The Originals were growing old, tired, and desperate to go home when we entered this star system." 35
She leaned her back against a tree truck. She hugged her legs to her chest like a small child. She stared at him with hard gray eyes. "And Christ,” was a whisper, "now I discover a friggin' father who is a good thirty years younger than me. And you bitch about cloning? What the hell are you, mister?" 36
Author notes
legendary weaponmaster down below.
A contest entry
- Novels and Chaptered Works 2 by tallblondie.
1000 points, ended December 15, 2008, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Ok, Where are my Sci-fi geeks? by Lekos Memory.
245 points, ended June 17, 38 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
I think in the beginning you had a little too much details. I mean details are good and you want to make sure you have some good details so the reader can picture everything in their head. But sadly there is a thing where too much detail is not good.
Other than that you did really good. You do have great words in there. Thank you for entering this into my contest.
-
That was very good. You had great discription. I really want to know what happens next.
-
The idea behind this story seems quite interesting, but I think your descriptions at the beginning were overly complicated and that you could enhance your writing with more simplified descriptions. I think you could actually gain impact by simplifying as it would increase the readability.
-
-
Hmmm--this is a profile
. It's only purpose was to attract readers.
Think I should try a different one? or post chapter one.
Geri
-
-
Great Concept
I really like this. I think that this will turn out to be very good indeed. I do, however, agree in part with Fiddlewilly. The first paragraph is a bit difficult to digest. I do like how you described the alien landscape, it just doesn't quite flow as nicely as the rest of the story. I will tell you, though, I am hooked and will read more of this as you post it. I hope that you keep on with this story because I want to see where you take it.
Christopher R. Peters -
-
Thanks for reading Christopher
.
I will take your advice into consideration on the next draft.
Geri
-
-
too flowery
I had to read these paragraphs five times to figure out what they meant.
A whispering wind played lullabies as it blew through crystal leaves that acquired color changes from the notes. Shades of orchard swelled to purple or faded into pampered pinks and powdery violets... huh?
I understand you're trying to describe an alien landscape, but I think you're pushing way too much info in one or two little sentences. take your time and throw away all those flowery adjectives. that's my opinion.
Please feel free to rip my novel apart..."The son of Man."
-
-
Well, thanks for reading. I guess I can't please everyone
.
I will take your advise under consideration in the next draft.
Geri
-
-
I love it! Continue this story it is good.
-
this was interesting but not really the kind of thing i would normally read. one thing that stuck out: "He felt uncomfortable. ‘She’s studying me like a bug.’ He felt anger." - maybe you should reconsider the repeated "he felt"
-
nice.. I like how you start things off...
-
-
Sorry for not saying thank you sooner. Sometimes I miss things
.
Geri
-
-
This is good. You explained things well. Kept my interest throughout the whole story. Good job, Also I like the way you described the characaters.
-
-
Morning Trekker, I'm sorry
I'm a bit slow in saying thanks. If the query sent you into the prologue I do believe it did its job 
.
'MSG' is a long and complex story and it's difficult to get critters involved in editing something like that
. So I haven't been posting it regularly like 'UH'.
Again thanks for reading.
Geri
-
-
This is a damn fine prologue, Geri! Very cool ideas in this. To discover that her father (or so she thinks!) is younger than her now after traveling through The Rift...very freakin' cool! I hope you post more of this....can't wait to see where this goes!
-
-
Phil, the first chapters of *Shades* have been posted for awhile.
As soon as Andy and 'Me' finish SRM I'm going to work on my science/fiction novels in double time--so I rewrote the prologue and entered the contest.
Certainly hope the judges agree with you
-
-
Excellent!
I enjoyed reading this chapter. I loved your details which pulled me into the chapter. Your dialogue was great and I found it to be powerful.
He felt anger. 21
Don't tell us about his anger, show it. Was he making a fist to control his emotions.
Great Job!
http://storywrite.com/story/190316
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
Lynn--how did I miss this
Thanks for reading and commenting. That's a good sugestion, before I send out the query letter I add that section to the prologue.
Geri
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
