Query Letter sent 7/31/08 1
Too: Tallblondie;
Publisher: SW Contests.
Dreamers Road, Never never land, World.2
Dear Sir:3
Please consider my novel ‘Unlikely Hero’ for publication. It is a completed work of 79,600 words. 4
Constructed in action scenes that take place on a Global scale, and involve both law and outlaw where the distinction between the two is often muddy. So in the final chapter the murders are solved but a rather likeable criminal escapes retribution.5
This statement, revenge is best savored when it’s no longer expected, describes the plot behind the story of ‘Unlikely Hero’. There are a number of angry people in this tale of murder with a sufficient reason to commit the crimes. 6
Alex Cahill lives a double life as a news reporter and a paid assassin. He has no reservations about killing anyone for money, and does so many times in different circumstances through out the pages. His unusual concern when he accidentally injures a child surprises his cohorts.7
That child, Garth Ahern, believes he is predestined to die in prison like his father. He has reached the age of nine convinced of this by the screeches of an abusive mother and the condemnation of an old priest. Deprived of a daddy, the boy needed a hero.8
Set in the late seventies, the Ahern brothers raised in the turmoil of Northern Ireland have followed very different paths. The Eldest, with the help of friends escaped to America; his natural ability in electronics in the growing age of computers allowed him to carve out a financial empire. The Youngest, the victim of treachery put this schooling to his advantage by becoming a paid killer. Only the middle brother married, his wife bore a son eight months after his death. 9
Violence surrounds that boy. Garth is orphaned by his mother’s murder; the event draws his ‘Yankee Uncles’, who previously hadn’t known of his existence, not only into his life but also into each others’. One becomes the predator and the other the prey in a battle where financial gain appears to be the prime consideration. Revenge, however, is the more volatile reason for murder. 10
Garth’s Uncle Mathew attempts to give the child a secure home and decent future. Those efforts may be wasted when his Uncle David accepts a contract to kill Mathew.11
While there is no effort made to hide the actual identity of Alex Cahill from the reader, certain situations will make them ponder which brother is he. Can he be Garth’s father? 12
Lots of Irish wandering through these pages so the work must impart some humorous incidents along with the violence. I hope to garner a few chuckles when Cahill interacts with certain members of English and Irish law enforcement. A smile or two should occur as the foreign child, Garth, attempts to dominate the Yankees. And if I can’t draw a few giggles along with the sighs and shudders during murder or sex, I’ll have to toss my passport in the Atlantic. 13
Thank you in advance for your time and courtesy. 14
G D Fitzsimmons15
geri4944@live .com16
A contest entry
- Novels and Chaptered Works 2 by tallblondie.
1000 points, ended December 15, 2008, 28 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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I never knew such a subject of writing was required... what is this world that we hope to enter???
As I know not the purpose, yet I suspect that it is an enticement for publication, and I know not the requirements of such a query I hope my comments will be helpful rather than inane.
At first I was thinking it was kind of vague, just a glossing over what the actual story would be about (which is good, I think) but then it got a little confusing. The amount of minute detail that is added to this, and in such a short letter kind of made it hard to follow. Although, I have to say after reading it a couple times I was able to follow along and this sounds like a kick ass story with great twists. I love how it is interwoven and presented here.
I wish you the best of luck! I'm going to have to do research on this before I can be of any help
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Hmmm…have you taken any Creative Writing or Journalism courses? Query letter, Proposal, and Synopsis, are always covered in some degree in every course.
Learning to sell our work is important if one hopes to eventually publish. Theses are the tools we use to reach the ‘The Powers That Be’.
You have to convince a Publisher the idea and your ability to present it is worth his investing in.
Agents are really difficult, you need to capture the interest of one to allow them to share in your success and profits.
I have a contest going right now ‘Sell It To Me’ to judge our ability to write these cantankerous letters
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Since I’m new to the group, I wanted to see if I could garner some interest in the story before I began posting chapters.
I'm beginning to think this group is as difficult to reach as agents and publishers
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Geri
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This is interesting. I never saw a letter as a story before but it's a good start. You ought to expand on the ideas you presented in the letter. I would like to see this history played out. Good writing.
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This isn’t a story, it’s a query letter sent to an agents, attempting to get them interested in my novel.
I’m new to this group and was trying to garner some ‘Critters’ willing to read the story and 'crit' and comment before I bother posting chapters.
Hmmm…have you taken any Creative Writing or Journalism courses? Query letter, Proposal, and Synopsis, are always covered in some degree. Learning to sell our work is important if one hopes to eventually publish. Theses are the tools we used to reach the ‘The Powers That Be’.
Would this sample of ‘UNLIKELY HERO’ convince you to read more?
Geri
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I think this needs to be more succinct and to the point. A bit more confidence in your attitude to your text would also be effective.
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Thanks for the comment
. Have you ever sent a query?
I'm always trying to find ways to improve mine.
Short and perky as you suggest, might grab an agent's attention but will it get him to consider taking on an unknown writer?
Geri
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No, I haven't send a query as of yet. My comment was more of a personal response. I think it would be useful to have really strong and original points in the opening to show that you are a capable writer with a worthy story. Hope that help ^^
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I've never submitted a query letter either, but the first thing that jumped to my mind is that when dealing with those who work with the written word day in and day out, it's very important to clean up your grammar, spelling and punctuation to the point of OCD. I've heard repeatedly that an editor who received a submitted manuscript whose query letter was rife with typos wouldn't even look twice at the manuscript. (which may be why I've never submitted one; editors seem like manuscript-eating monsters to me)
Obviously no one is grammatically perfect; that's what editing is for, after all. I noticed your third sentence is a fragment which could be reattached to the previous sentence, and what seemed to be unnecessary capitalization (Eldest, Youngest) further down.
Also, the sentence that carries the main theme of your book seemed a bit awkward to me: "This statement, revenge is best savored when it’s no longer expected, describes the plot behind the story of ‘Unlikely Hero’." It seems like your nugget of truth should be after a colon or in quotes or something; it really gets lost in the rest of that sentence, and I agree with riveralex that this is key and should pop right out so the people know what you're all about.
Good luck with your letter, and I hope you catch someone's eye quickly! -
Yes, this was really well written...but a bit long for query...i think...not necissarily true i don't think. I would love to read this in novel form...is there one?
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Hi Rian, thanks for the comment. It is a bit longer than I would normally send but it is such a complex story
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Of course I'm sending it snailmail--so that makes a difference. Any suggestion on what might be cut?
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Geri
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Great job
I like the plot very much. I am in the process of editing a short story I want to get published. It's only 23,026 words, but my 7th grade teacher was impressed. It's called Demon in the snow if you wanna take a look at it. I only have the prologue and first chapter up.
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I will take a gander at your work *smile*
Thanks for reading and commenting on mine.
Geri
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I like
I really like the way you have told us what's going to happen without ctually giving away how what's going to happen happens, if you see what I mean. Anyway, I think that the letter is very good.
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*Clappy* sure hope the judges hear you.
Thanks for the nice comments--my mood needed some pickup this morning.
Geri
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I think you have done a grand job of outlining your plot in an enticing and interesting way. I have done some reading on this subject myself (since I am working on a novel at the moment which is becoming my life project) and I have been recommended that one of the best ways to convey a plotline is to list which books/authors your novel is SIMILAR TO. Apparently publishers and agents look for influences because they tell them what the author is like, their level of commitment to the genre and the quality of the plot.
Other than that, I can't think of much else that will help you. Good luck! -
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Hi CC, sorry if I didn't say thanks sooner. Sometime I get a bit behind but never intentionally.
You gave me some fine advice that I will be using when I send out the final draft *smile*
Geri -
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You're welcome! Anytime!
- CC
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I am a complete novice at this
...although my work frequently involves winning proposals and pitches and developing persuasive arguments in print.
However - my first impressions may have nothing to do with what actually WORKS, of which I have no direct experience.
I hope that's OK with you?
FIrst of all: Unlikely Hero sounds like a solid commercial thriller to me, with an interesting tone.
My first three comments are about the structure/presentation of the letter... the second two are comments about the synopsis
1) I'd like to see you state the genre/ market absolutely right up front somewhere, so your reader has the right head on when when s/he reads the synopsis. When we get into the territory of 'assassins fiction" we could be talking about something dead serious (le Carre") or hilarious (Tom Holt).
I think establishing that tone straight away might be useful.
2) If "revenge is best served cold" (paraphrase) is the main idea behind the piece, perhaps your slant on that should go in your very first paragraph? It is so simple - it has impact.
3) The plot sounds fascinating but it is obviously complex. So -
Is it the done thing to include the synopsis in the body of the letter, or is there some visual/layout way to present it as a discrete subsection from the "please" and "it'll have some lighter relief" parts.
4) Overall, in this synopsis I find it hard to distinguish between the main plot and elements and those which are in truth subsidiary - obviously because you wrote it and know how important each of the bits is, it's that much harder to be selective.
If you had to go back to first principles and do it in 10 sentences (ok, 15), what would they be?
5) Does the whole of the action take place in one time-frame? Or are there flashbacks? This seems unclear to me, even with your reference to the 70's.
I have never written a novel, it is biting off too much for me at least at the moment. But this sounds like an excellent action piece and potential Film Four film - I'd love to read it for you if you'd like me to.
Best
RA
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Hi and thank you so much for the review. You did a great job.
One of the hardest things for a writer to do is the query letter. Trying to condense almost 80,000 words into a letter size proposal that will attract an agent into reading more is like ripping the insides of your pet out.
I’ve rewritten this particular one about a hundred plus times and still, I’m not satisfied enough to send it out.
The first 17 chapters of 'Unlikely Hero' is posted. And of course if I get more people editing it I’ll post the remainder. So yes I would love to have you read it .
I’m taking a break from editing it myself so as to finish SMR with Andy.
I’m trying to get Andy to write a query for SRM—and enter it in this contest
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If you’d like to practice write one for my contest.
Again thanks you gave me some good feedback.
Geri
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Hey now this sounds like an interest prelude into a good mystery novel. I like the idea of the different brothers. Siblings do not have to be anything alike. More times than not they aren't. Especially if they have been apart for quite some time... and have different types of life experiences.
I think this is very well written. I liked reading it and cannot wait to read the actual story. I would love for you to let me read it when it is done.
I want to see what happens to the child. And which of the uncles are the most interesting.
Thanks for sharing. Good job
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Yes!! Morning Trekkergirl, you made this a nice bright day
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Writing a proposal is a ‘blood sucking’ task—this is my ‘hundredth’ or better attempt to condense pages and pages of scenes into a tiny legible query letter that will hopefully capture the interest of an agent or publisher.
So your opinion and comments were needed. Thanks so much and if this coaxes you to read more—there are already seventeen chapters of ‘Unlikely Hero’ under that title in my stories. The book is completed but needs a bit of editing.
Geri
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A woderfully written piece of work. It in itself portrayed a fair bit of humour which i really enjoyed. What you have written sounds like it would make a great story in itself so hows about putting pen to paper and making it happen. I will be only too pleased to read it. Well done
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Hi eagle1, thank you kindly for reading my proposal. Query? Do you feel this is sufficient information to attract an agent or publisher?
I’m glad you recognized the humor; even stories of mystery and murder benefit from a touch of humor. If you would like to read more—there are already seventeen chapters of ‘Unlikely Hero’ under that title in my stories. The book is completed but needs a bit of editing.
Geri
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