Ranting About Rants

So you’ve all read rants, (I would assume simply because of the fact that you’re reading this right now), am I right? But have you ever thought of ranting about rants? (I would assume no, because after a thorough inspection, there were seemingly no rants about rants). Well hello, newcomer, and welcome to my perfectly twisted world. Within this duo-rant, as I will call it, you will begin to learn about things like what exactly classifies as a rant, different types of rants, and then even the effects of rants on your health. I sincerely hope this leaves you thoroughly enlightened, and thereafter worried abut my mental state. 1

To start, I’d like to go a little bit into the definition of this word, rant. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, rant means, “To speak or write in an angry or violent manner; rave. “ Now, in modern time, and also mostly online, the meaning of the word “rant” has evolved so that it doesn’t necessarily have to be in a violent way at all. It’s just you talking about something from your point of view. For better or for worse I’ll leave that for you to decide, but I’d just like to point out that this particular rant will being going by the unspoken guidelines of the second definition, since this was a rant contest that began online, causing me to pretty much think that it was implied as the second.2

Crafting together a rant is a wonderful way of expressing your view on a certain matter of the time. It’s been used for all of humanity, it’s such a beautiful thing. But what is the cause of this appeal? As in most explanations for things these days, it requires looking beyond the obvious and delving far into the depths of human nature. But don’t expect me to hit my head on the bottom of the pool, or anything, for I am just a humble (self-proclaimed) rantologist. Enough with awkward metaphors, and back to the point. Well, humans have always had the urge to declare our opinions and viewpoints, and knowing that, it’s common sense to just put two and two together and come to the conclusion that rants are just our way of expressing them. It doesn’t matter what the topic is. It can range from a nine-year-old boy’s rant about the status of his Pokemon game, or to the Declaration of Independence, which could easily classify as a large rant about America’s freedom if you use my new definition for the world. In fact, following the guidelines of that, all literature besides factual ones for the purpose of informing, could be classified as a rant in some way or another. It’s just that not all writings are clearly labeled under that category of rant. To find the ranting within something, you have to be aware of the author’s intentions of their piece. Each genre usually has a varying level of difficulty when it comes realizing its inner rant. For example, someone’s huge masterpiece of a fantasy novel has to be trying to tell the reader something in a subliminal way, and must have some sort of underlying opinions that the author has on something. 3

Now that I’ve talked about rants as a whole, I’d like to continue on about a smaller sect of rants, internet rants. Internet rants nearly always consist of rambling about some part of pop culture that the author either despises or adores. Most often are these rants completely hypocritical and usually tend to go into extreme detail about minor things that nobody else in their right minds would even dare to think of. Some even use a sort of false intelligence or aloofness to tease the mind of the poor person who’s opinions are bound to be swayed by the rant they’re reading. I’d just like you to know right now that I have an extremely warped and ironic sense of humor, and would not like to receive flaming comments about how I’m being a hypocrite and at the same time ranting about hypocrites, because in the end I’d call you a hypocrite since you’re pretending to have a lot of knowledge and understanding of this piece when you really have no idea what I’m trying to get through to your brain by use of this extremely long and confusing run-on sentence. So to not further cause any severe brain hemorrhage, I’m going to finish this endlessly ironic little section right here. 4

Have you ever wondered what al of this constant internet ranting has been doing to your health. Well using my highly-certified 7th grade level education, I was able to come to the following conclusions. First of all, by reading rants that our against something you adore, it causes you to get angry and frustrated, right? Well frustration is a known cause for eventual high-blood pressure, meaning that by reading that flame-inducing anti-Twilight rant just raised your chances for heart disease. (Eh heh, Twilight readers, don’t flame me. Because you know what’ll happen.) Not only that, but when frustrated, people tend to move more rapid and violently, which in this case means banging on the keyboard. Making you a likely candidate for carpal tunnel disease or other damage to the wrist. If you’re reading a rant that uses a lot of bad grammar or spelling errors, it’ll also cause your brain to remember them and you could unknowingly have used their influences in your own writing. But enough of this negative stuff, because it’ll only cause depression and anxiety! (Now is the time to add a cricket sound effect for my lame joke.)5

Reading a rant that is positive for something you enjoy can have good affects on your health, as opposed to the detrimental ones seen above. It might make you feel good that someone shares an interest with you, and feeling happy is the key to living a long, wholesome life. Now I could preach on for days about the importance of being happy and relaxed, but that would make you bored and angry at me, therefore defeating the purpose. 6

Well, I hope that this at least kept you entertained for a bit, because it sure did for me. Yeah. Making the conclusion to this good will make me bored and unhappy, and I don’t believe in being bored and unhappy if you read anything above, so this what you get: 7

THE END!