I'm in the middle of watching, just watching, and waiting in vain
for the streamlines in the palm of your hand to connect. Just connect. They'll connect. And I'll wait for one more minute until it all breaks apart. Just connect. Disconnect. 1
It doesn't take that long, but I'll still keep waiting. Foolishly, and one day I'll hope to God that I'll be satisfied. I'll wait for the day we can sing. Together. In harmony, foolishly, like the little kids we wished we could keep up with. Like the little kids we wished we could be. 2
And writing to you doesn't make me feel worse, it makes me feel like I'm cooped up during a lovely, bright season. I wish to be like you by September. I wish to have your dreams embeded in me. I wish to have your secrets buried in my collar bone. I wish to see you. I'll miss you. I'll miss the melody we had. Please stay. Just stay. Stay.3
This letter. I'll keep. In my backyard. And when you leave. Promise to visit. Watch over me. Promise to be. My everyday conscience. Love.
Author notes
Hmm :]
A contest entry
- Dark and Insightful by kierancluchey.
175 points, ended August 5, 2008, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
so?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I liked this. It was short, bitter sweet, and full of emotion. And you didn't drench it in emotion - you gave enough detachment to help the letter along. It was a good read - great job!
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It's decent for a first write. But, personally, i feel detatched from the emotions you're trying to force me to feel. Perhaps that's just my natural resistance to outside forces. I do think, though, that there are too many short sentences in this piece.
Overall, a decent start. Good work. -
nicely written. i liked the words you chosed to peice this letter together. very well done x]
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Thank you guys for all the comments:]
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Interesting! Great descriptions by the way. good job
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A diffrent type of work that what I'm use to ready. That's what makes this stand out. It's different. I like the words as you put them together, the pleading, hoping and wishing that was seen throughout the whole piece. For someone who hasn't written before, you certainly are showing signs of becoming a good writer. A little more polish here and there and you will succeed. Take all comments into account and don't despair if one might sound negative. It will all help you to get to where you are going in the end. I loved it because it was you!
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5.
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interesting. Never quite read anything like this. Liked the idea tho of lines connecting. That was good.
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quite different. great letter that expresses love and anxiousness. it's odd that it is for a season, though I know the feelings can be expressed for such a thing as I have had experience with. Great story.
chey-bear -
Interesting opening that caught my attention from the outset. Appropriate sentence structure and variety for effect too. Think there's a little bit of over repetition of 'I wish' - maybe stick to the tripling technique with it? Overall this engaged my attention and I could certainly empathise with the protagonist's feelings throughout. Interesting write, hope you did well in your contest. Thanks for sharing.
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I like the sing song way this reads. The short sentences are semi-poetic in that they seem to convey more meaning than their actual words should hold. Very nice. I like the line: "I wish to have your secrets buried in my collar bone." That was too cool. I mean, why not? Collar bones hurt terribly when they break. I don't see why breaking secrets should hurt less when you love someone.
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This is really good. Short sentances can be effective, but watch that you don't use them too much, or it won't work as well. Well done!
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AMAZING!- to say the least
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This is certainly interesting, well written, although the sentences in your last verse were a bit short, and "stubby". Still awesome and keep writing! Thanks for Entering,
-Kieran
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