The light on the porch danced out of shape as the rain trickled against the window. She stared nervously at the house she’d left when she was younger. It hadn’t changed much but she knew who were within its walls had. And it was that change she feared. It was that same fear that she had felt when she had left ten years ago. The cabdriver looked at her in the rearview mirror, “It is the right address, aye, madam?”1
She nodded slowly as she turned from the window to look at the fare meter. She handed him a twenty dollar bill, “Keep the change.” 2
She opened the car door and stepped out into the downpour. Pulling her black trench coat shut, she walked up towards the house. The gate groaned with age as she pushed the doorbell. Her stomach turned as she heard the door being unlocked.3
A little girl who could’ve been her daughter appeared in the doorway. A half smile showed faintly as she was reminded of her little sister’s face ten years ago.4
“Hello?” the little girl answered.5
“H-hi…” her voice cracked as she answered. The girl smiled at her, “Mama’s not home but I’ll go get grandma!” she ran off down the corridor. She returned dragging her grandmother.6
“See, See, I told you”7
The silence that passed through the room was deafening. The rain drowned the sound of the heartbeats in the room. She stared at her mother, she could see the emotions race through her, eyes dancing with every change.8
“Casey?” her mother’s voice cracked but the anger could still be heard as mush as she tried to hide it. Casey stood her ground, unable to move and speak.9
“After all this time is it really you?”10
She nodded dumbfoundedly. She had replayed this speech inside her head countless times but now she found she was unable to speak.11
“See grandma, I told you!” the girl said elatedly.12
“Shush Ashley!” her grandmother scolded, “Why after all this time?”13
Casey shrugged, “It was something I needed to set right.”14
It was the truth or at least part of it. She needed to resolve her issues at home before she had any chance of easing the pain of her past.15
“And you waited until now?”16
The question stung but her mother was right, “I….I’m sorry.”17
“You should be but don’t think you’re coming here changes anything, you’re not gonna come here and leave with another part of us.”18
Casey looked at her mother in disbelief. She understood how her mother felt. She shook her head as she walked out into the rain.19
“Wait!” Ashley called out to her. Casey looked over her shoulder to absentmindedly. Ashley was running towards her. She turned.20
“Will I see you again?”21
Casey looked down at the little girl. She reminded her of herself when she was that age. She faked a smile but instead of answering. She dug deep into her coat pocket. Pulling out a small gold locket, she folded it in the palm of Ashley’s hand and sent her out of the rain. She didn’t know…sooner or later she would. Sooner or later, Casey thought as she heard the growl of a wolfhound. She had come home to Silence and things were gonna change.
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The trees scratched against the tent making a monstrous tearing sound. The night was still and was disturbed only by the occasional hoot of an owl and howl of a wolf hound. The horses grazed on the dewy grass while the dog slept comfortably beside the now flame-less fire. The river swished along with the ruthless breeze. Ash McConaghuey stood on the edge of the cliff and stared down at the camp below. His watch was almost over and he was extremely tired. The night was fruitless and he had spent his watch listening to growls of wolfhounds and a swishing river. 23
Stretching, he walked back towards the camp. His sister's wolf-dog, Cash, roused as he entered the camp. It sniffed the air, resettled itself and returned to its slumber. Ash rolled his eyes and walked into his tent. Jason slept in the far corner. The blue sleeping bag hiding every inch of his body except for the locks of hair that peeped outside.24
"Jason...," Ash whispered nudging him. He groaned, dug deeper into his sleeping bag for warmth and then, almost at last impulse, he turned to watch Ash, peeping at him with one eye.25
"Time for your watch. You'll be done at dawn." Ash watched as Jason lazily got up and pulled on a jeans. He began his walk up the hill with his t-shirt in his hand. Stretching, Ash peeped out at Jason one last time before he undressed and slipped into his own sleeping bag.26
* * *27
Ash shifted restlessly in his sleep. He peeped outside his tent. The sun was beginning its graceful duty as it ate away the darkness of the night. Ash groaned and lazily got out of his sleeping bag. He knew it was useless trying to go back to sleep.628
After he folded his bag, he grabbed his jeans and a clean t-shirt.729
Jason was sitting with his hands wrapped around his knees. Ash nodded at him, Jason gave a half wave in acknowledgment. Ash walked down to the river. Dropping his clothes, he dove in the cold water. Ignoring the cold sting against his skin, he swam against the weak current til his body grew accustomed. He held his breath as he slipped under water. A shrill scream caused his heart to race and he emerged out of the water. His sister was standing outside her tent with her hands over her mouth. Ash followed her gaze. Even with the trees blocking his gaze, he knew what she was looking at. Impulse and fear sent his blood running, he scampered out of the water. Half crawling, half running he sped to his sister's side. He stared upon the cliff where Jason was. Ash gasped. 30
"Levagne...this is bad really really bad..." Ash said under his breath. He grabbed his sister and pointed to her tent. She didn't move.31
"Vicki! Go, Now!" Snapping out of her shock, Vicki obeyed her brother's orders. Ash started after the creature who now held Jason captive. It started towards the woods. Ash groaned, he knew it was pointless trying to follow the beast in its own territory but he had no choice. It had his friend.32
Dodging the tree branches as best as he could, he kept his eyes on the creature, now drifting out of sight. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the blurred image of something beside him.33
Great there are more, Ash thought. Suddenly he felt a deep piercing pain in his back. Ash's vision blurred. Before he knew it, he was lying face down in the dirt. He slid a few feet in the dirt. Groaning, he looked over his shoulder to see another levagne above him. He was coming in for another attack. Ash groaned and attempted to evade his attacker. He flinched when he saw his first attacker being tackled by his own kind. With a powerful backlash to the head, his first attacker fell limp. Ash pushed himself on his elbows and tried to drag himself away. Blood dripped from its canines and his paws were stained crimson red.
Fear paralyzed Ash as the creature crept towards him. It sniffed at his feet. It bared its teeth as it made its way up his neck. Ash whimpered as he felt the animal's hot breath on his neck. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as he thought of the animal's huge canines sinking into his neck. A howl from deep with in the wood caught the creature's attention. As if Ash were no longer important, he sped off. Ash sank to the floor in relief.34
"Run. As hard as you can, run...before it's too late for you also."35
Ash shot up. He stared about him. His eyes locked with the levagne. Ash stared at it in disbelief," No, you-"36
"Go you fool!" it growled taking a step forward. Fear took him then. The adrenaline rushed through his body, erasing his pain. He sped staggeringly back towards the camp.37
Vicki was pacing the camp when he broke out of the jungle prison.38
Cash started barking. Vicki looked up. Ash staggered towards her, falling short at her feet.39
"Ash!" Vicki screamed. She knelt beside him and took his head in her arms.40
"Time to go home, sis." Ash breathed before he slipped into unconsciousness.
Author notes
Its basically the beginnings of the book im actually looking to finish...tell me what you think and if you fail to follow let me know as well i need all the correction i can get.
In a list
If you took the time to read it, Please leave a comment regardless to if you like it or not, Constructive critism helps a heap!!!!!Besides there's more just click on
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Loved the begining. It truely makes you want to read more.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I love this intriguing beginning to your story! However, I too, was a bit confused about the levagne that told Ash to run as in line 34, '... he sped off.'
Anyway, just gonna read next chapter.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Since it told the reader nothing except they were related and the mother and daughter were at outs with each other, you captured my curiosity.
Some terrific writing here
, you have an interesting prologue in that first scene on the porch between the three generations of one family. Since it told the reader nothing except they were related and the mother and daughter were at outs with each other, you captured my curiosity. I want to know more, and why?
Casey doesn’t try very hard to reach her mother. Did she just come to deliver the locket to the child?
The second half of this post, I believe is your opening chapter. It works very well in that it is full of action to instantly draw your readers into the story. While I wouldn’t want to see this pace slowed in any major way, you might consider a line or two to put your reader in the proper place (an alien world—the year 2020, whatever—even the Red-Neck county of Tenn.)
Of course it needs a bit of editing (don’t we all
).
Some things for you too look at:A little girl who could’ve been her daughter appeared in the doorway. A half smile showed faintly as she was reminded of her little sister’s face (of) ten years ago.4
“Hello?” the little girl answered.(perhaps said because no question was asked.)5
“H-hi…(,)” her voice cracked as she answered. The girl smiled at her,(.) “Mama’s not home but I’ll go get grandma!” (She) she ran off down the corridor.
“See, See, I told you (.)”7
“Casey?” her mother’s voice cracked (crackled) but the anger could still be heard as mush (much)as she tried to hide it. She nodded dumbfoundedly (dumbfounded).
She had replayed this (the) speech inside her head countless times but now she found she was unable to speak.11Casey looked at her mother in disbelief. She understood how her mother felt. She shook her head as she (turned and) walked out into the rain.19
“Wait!” Ashley called out to her. (NP)
Casey looked over her shoulder to (as if) absentmindedly. Ashley was running towards her. She turned (back).20She reminded her of herself when she was that age. She faked a smile but instead of answering.(,) (she)She dug deep into her coat pocket. Pulling out a small gold locket, she folded it in the palm of Ashley’s hand and sent her (back)out of the rain. (NP)________________________________________________________22The night was still and was(this was needs to come out) disturbed only by the occasional hoot of an owl and howl of a wolf hound (Wolfhound).
"Jason...," Ash whispered nudging him. He( The boy or man) groaned, dug deeper into his sleeping bag for warmth and then, almost at last impulse, he turned to watch Ash, peeping at him with one eye.25
"Time for your watch. You'll be done at dawn." Ash watched as Jason lazily got up and pulled on a jeans(pulled on jeans). He began his walk up the hill with his t-shirt in his hand.
After he folded his bag, he grabbed his jeans and a clean t-shirt.(,)729(and went outside). he swam against the weak current til(until or till) his body grew accustomed.. He stared upon the cliff where Jason was.( ? was what? I don’t understand.)
Ash groaned, he knew it was pointless trying to follow the beast in (to) its own territory but he had no choice. Ash shot up. He stared about him. His eyes locked with the levagne. Ash stared at it in disbelief," No, you-"36 ( I’m a little lost here…I thought the creature who was smelling Ash had killed the one attacking him? Then it took off after the howling one? So who is this levagne?)
Hope the next chapter is going to be posted soon?”
Geri
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Thanks for pointing out my prologue's flaws it helps alot. I know this needs alot of editting but I just wanted to finish first and edit later. I'll put these in my notebook for when it's time to edit. There are two more chapter's to go. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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I loved it.
It was so cool.beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you for reading and commenting I appreciate it. Thanks again.
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hmm....interesting. I dont think im gonna read whatever more is in this 'novel?' Im just too lazy X3 Dont get the wrong idea i still love it!
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Thanks for reading and commenting any ways
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I think it's good to have a story that doesn't tell you everything all at once. And homecoming stories are usually very interesting, so write on and I'll read. Good luck with the book.
One thing..."Casey looked at her mother in disbelief. She understood how her mother felt."
It seems like she wouldn't be disbelieving if she understood. Just a small thing, but it caught me for a minute. -
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Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it. Thanks for giving me your little tidbit, I'll take it into consideration when I'm editing the story. Thanks for the Good luck wishes cause I seem stuck sat my chapter three. But you can read on and tell me what you think.
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'It hadn’t changed much but she knew who were within its walls had.' At first, I laughed at this because it was as if the 'had' didn't need to be ther at all
But then I read it a few times over and realised what you meant. A reader shouldn't be stopping on a sentence like this, so I might suggest that you make that sentence a little less awkward somehow? But you don't have to; maybe I was just reading it weirdly
There were a few other grammar mistakes, but it's a nice beginning and you've got some intrigue and stuff so that the reader will want to know more. Gah, I would say more, but the bright pink writing on black is giving me a headache Great story nevertheless.
Eph -
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Sorry about the background but when I first posted this I had no idea what i was doing...I have plans to change it when I'm not so busy writing or posting more to this story...I know about the grammatical errors, this is just a draft...If I were to post the first version of this then you would see how far this has come from the first draft. Thanks for reading and commenting tho I really appreciate it.
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is silence the name of the town?
where's her father?
why were they seperasted?
who has the chocolate?
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Jus read on....
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Hm...dunno if you've given us enough detail to actually figure out the storyline and depth here. I'm guessing the kid is somehow more related to Casey than she lets on...?
Pretty good work, overall. Perhaps extend it a wee bit...
-HT
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Very good. This a story worth finishing.
More please!
-Renesme-
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Thanks but there is more, just in case you didn't know.
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Okay
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I want to read more! it sounds really interesting even though I am A little confused, but thats ok. I'm confused often
I absolutely loved it!
Keep writing!~.~
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good
definetly something i want to see developed more. go girlbeginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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