Move Along

We were so close at one point, me and her. She was always at my side, hand in hand, laughing, smiling, giggling… Just joking around being ourselves… I really miss those days. By “her” I happen to mean the most amazing girlfriend I’ve ever had, the smartest, prettiest, most beautiful girl in the world; Jennifer.1

She started changing in December, I remember, because the first time she blew me off was the night of the first snowfall of the season. I knew she was having a hard time, but I didn’t know that she would become an entirely different person to escape her problems. 2

She was walking in the bitter cold, alone and shivering. I walked up to her, and wrap her cold shaking hands in my own; she shot daggers at me and quickly jerked her hand away. I noticed the red eyes, and the slight moisture still building in them. She quickly moved away, breaking into a run, losing her grip on reality.3

That night she called me on the phone and apologized.4

”What’s wrong?” I asked as I heard the pain in her voice. I was concerned for her, sinking below the pressure of fitting in. She refused to answer; “Speak to me, please Jen…” I begged. She wouldn’t speak… Not a word to me about what was hurting her… I heard her mom call for her, and she told me she had to go, so I made sure to tell her to be strong and that she could make it past these hard times.5

“There’s no more hope…” she murmured.6

“Just… keep going, you’ll make it through…” I told her and she hung up on me.7

It was late that night when I awoke to the loud sound of my cell phone ringing in my pocket. I lazily reached in to grab it, flipped it open and held it to my ear. “Hello?” I said groggily into the speaker. On the other side I could hear crying, Jen’s crying. “Jen? Jen?! Are you okay?!” I asked in urgency and panic.8

”I can’t take it anymore, Jeff… I just can’t… My parents, my family, everyone at school, even what few friends I have are turning against me…” She had never told me that she was so upset, or that everything was starting to get to be more than she knew how to handle.9

”Why didn’t you talk to me?” I asked helplessly.10

”I didn’t want you to worry, but it’s alright now; you won’t have to worry.” She replied in a weak pathetic voice.11

I couldn’t understand what she was telling me, “What are you saying Jen? You can tell me anything, you don’t need to deceive me into thinking you’re okay when you really aren’t…”12

I heard her move around, shifting stuff around and then I heard a click, before she replied, “Jeff… This is the night my life ends…” she said simply, and then I could hear the loud gunshot from my end of the phone.13

Eyes wide in horror and screamed into the phone, but sill she wouldn’t speak to me; she couldn’t speak to me. I was crying now, screaming over and over and over for her to say something, to speak to me, but no reply came. I called the police, hoping it wasn’t too late; this was all wrong, everything was wrong!14

Of course she was a victim to suicide; she was dead now and if only I had known I may have been able to save her. I cried, trying to convince myself to move on, all I had to do was move along… But I struggled to find the will power to keep strong, now I was the one beginning to feel hopeless. I was even beginning to plan m own suicide as the long days passed, but then I thought about what that would cause. Would a chain of suicides become a result to this? A thousand crushed heart that would kill themselves because someone they loved did the same thing? I convinced myself out of it… Maybe I wasn’t strong enough, too scared to do what she did, but I couldn’t; it wasn’t right to try and fix a wrong with another wrong.15

I stood still looking down at her grave, then sunk to my knees and began crying. “Jennifer… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” I just kept apologizing over and over again, but I was sure it was no use, not anymore at least. After an hour I laid down the flowers a brought for her, looked to the engraved letters on the coffin and thought inwardly was move along…16