Driftpaws jorney

Chapter 11

Driftpaw was on his first border patrol!!! He couldnt belive sandshadow had let him go. He took full advantage of everything sights sounds smells and asspesally Peachpaw. "Peachpaw?" "What do want now!" She moaned."Its bad enough i have to come on this stupid patrol now i have to deal with YOU." Driftpaw wasnt daunted as this was her ussual response. "Whats that?" He pointed to a shodowy figure approching in the disstance."Nothing." She mumbled."Will you just LEAVE ME ALONE!"2

Driftpaw dropped to the back of the patrol before she clawed his face off. Driftpaw had just randomly pointed to something at first but now as he looked closer he saw that the shadowy thing affar was getting lager and there seemed to be far more than one."Peachpaw really!"He hissed "What IS that?" "WHAT!" Peachpaw spun around angirly her Cream and white fur bristling. "that." "MROWWWW!" suddeny the shadowy figures imerged into a Darkclan patrol and threw themselfs into battle. 'Peachpaw immeadiatly ran tail in between her lags back to camp followed by a Darkclan warrior. Driftpaw was then face to face to the darkclan deputy Deathclaw who slashed his claws at his head Dropping Driftpaw in to unconssiousness.3

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Comments


  • notwgirl
    March 5

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    This is good, but I think you over-used Caps Lock. You need to tone down a bit. The last thing you want to do is scare your readers with to much capitilization. Keep writing.

    beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 4.


  • So Strange Greeters member
    July 29, 2008

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    Well, the grammar in this story was kind of messed up, but the story still has good potential. I think you're a good writer, but you need pointers on grammar and to get them, I think I'd be a good adviser. First of all, only put quotation marks after the period. And second of all, don't make more than one person talk per paragraph. It can confuse several people, and some of your writers, as well.

    Welcome to SW and may you enjoy it here as much as I have. I think your writing has potential, but some grammar changes would do good. Keep up the writing.

    • Candelflint
      July 30, 2008
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      THANK YOU! :D

      Thank you for the advice i will use it but im not good at grammar o dont expect much im just a young writer who is bored and puts down ideas i have no idea where the story is going so ill just see what comes to mind... your the first person who rated so thanks allot at least i know some ones reading it.

    • Candelflint
      July 30, 2008
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      From candeflint ? what do i write?

      I would like to thank you for the advice my parents have been telling me i use to many characters and i will put your advice into action. as for the spelling... I ll try to fix the grammar but im not really good at those thing im just a young writer with some funny ideas. but thanks i would love it if you would read it all when i put the rest up.