Something bad has happened.1
Something bad has happened, and I have no idea what it is.2
Either that, or I just can't seem to recall the event.3
I don't see how anything bad can happen, lying here under this beautiful tree, as light pink petals slowly tumble down to greet me, to greet the plump green grass I lie upon.4
One gently rests itself on my nose. I stay as still as possible and smile as I squint up at the many-hued sky, thick and rich with blues and pinks and purples, as clouds float by like idle visitors.5
How can something bad happen?6
When it seems so beautiful?7
I can't seem to shake the feeling.8
A strange feeling of dread.9
When I sat up I was somewhere else.10
The middle of an auditorium.11
No. A theatre.12
On the stage.13
In the very middle of the audience was my father.14
He stared at me blankly, with a dead, empty stare, his head slightly lolled to the side.15
Doves brought me a violin suspended on ribbons. It flew into my hands and I began to stroke the bow over the strings, my fingers light and nimble.16
My father started clapping dully, and suddenly the entire theatre was filled with clapping.17
This frightened me, but mechanically I bowed. I was supposed to.18
The feeling of dread grew inside me.19
That's when I was violently pushed on to my back.20
And I woke up.21
In the bright lights.22
Being rushed somewhere.23
Under bright lights.24
Something bad had happened.25
To me.
Comments
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Ah! This piece of story sound so nice and peace ful some how. googd job
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After a day of attempting to comment on grammar-poor stories, it relieves me greatly to find something that correctly spells their words and uses punctuation.
The fact that it begins and ends with the same sentance was an excellent technique. Also, I adore how you kept the "Bad thing" a mystery. Whether the whle story is a dream or the delusions from the dead, it is still amazing.
The only correction I can find the need to state is how many paragraphs are uneccesarily disconnected, such as paragraphs 4 and 5. In adition, despite the fact that having individual sentances as paragraphs increases the tension and severity of the action in question, I feel it is done a bit too much in this particular piece. Other than that, it was beautiful.
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I liked the way you opened this although structurally I'd have a think about connecting the paragraphs more, this will help the reader to fully understand what's going on. Effective use of descriptive detail captures a sense of place well. I can see the previous commentee's point about disorientation but I do feel you need paragraphs as this reads more like a poem, not that that's a bad thing but this is prose, right? I liked the way you achieved cohesion at the end and made the reader wonder exactly what has happened.
An interesting and original write, the shift works quite well. Thanks for sharing. -
I like the mental vertigo. Did he get hit by a bus? A heart attack? I like not knowing. The short sentences add to the choppy feel of disorientation.
Should be "bright" instead of "brigth" there in para 24.
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