Emotional

She sat on the brown worn couch, weeping as silently as she could. Hoping and waiting for a sign, at any given moment he would reach out to her. Take her in his arms and make her aching heart feel better. She felt completely miserable and alone. Pregnancy hormones had completely taken her body over, at times she felt as if she had lost control of her growing bulgy body. She often dimly wondered if her sudden change in appearance, had something to do with his change in affection toward her. 1

He often told her this wasn’t the case, but how could she not feel this way given how he used to be around her compared to how he was now. The minutes seemed to drag on by making her feel worse each second. Every sound or crack in the night she heard she looked excitedly toward the door, hoping to see him standing there beckoning her to bed. Apologising for him being a shit head, despite his feeling that he wasn’t being a shit but for knowing that his girlfriend while not quite yet heavily pregnant was well on the way to being that. Understanding that emotional state of mind wasn’t completely there the way it was before she fell pregnant and giving her some leeway. What harm could a simple I’m sorry do rather then leaving her in the lounge room to sob herself stupid, the way he had come accustomed to seeing her doing over the recent weeks. 2

Two long hours had passed, she realised that he wasn’t coming out. He had done what he had gone in there to do….fallen asleep not caring that she wasn’t in the bed with him. She wipes her now swollen and tired eyes and decides reluctantly to go to bed, the heater no longer being on she was beginning to feel the cold. Not that the bedroom tonight would be much warmer, but still better then making her flu worse. She gets into bed and its made clear that he didn’t really care one way or the other if she was there or not. He didn’t even think to turn her blanket on, if he really wanted her in bed he would have surely wanted her to be getting into a warm bed. He doesn’t even stir to acknowledge that he was happy that she had come to bed. 3

She longed for someone to make her feel better, for someone to be there completely for her, she cursed herself for being so needy and selfish but she simply couldn’t help it. When she used to get upset he was there to dry her tears, he played with her hair and made her feel like everything was going to be okay. Now it seemed as if she had been upset to often, or cried to much he didn’t notice anymore. Sometimes the way he looked at her, was like “UG whaddya crying for this time?” Never had she felt like more of a burden then she had lately. All she wanted was a hug, she knew that’s all he had to do to make her feel better. She just wanted some indication that he cared about her feelings. 4

How she tired from hearing that all she does is whinge. It seems that every time she opens her mouth with something he didn’t want to hear lately that he would say she was whinging or arguing. She was trying more then ever not to argue not to whinge, a big part of the reason why she sat there and took him being rude to her while she was trying to help him write that important letter. She bit her tongue didn’t let him get to her, to avoid “whinging” to avoid starting an argument. Despite tears stinging her eyes a couple of times while he talked down to her, or made her feel like her input wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t sure if he truly didn’t realise or if that he simply didn’t care how stupid he made her feel sometimes. With just how much a simple look could hurt her. She looked at him sometimes and the way he looked back at her really did hurt. Sometimes she really had to wonder if he did do it on purpose. 5

She sat up in bed her mind ticking over and over. Wondering what would be the point in getting any sleep that night? He was working in the morning. She would be alone all day with nothing to do and no one to keep her company. Maybe he would be better for her to stay up all night and sleep all day. Least that way she wouldn’t be alone. Least that way she wouldn’t have the think about the events of that night all day. More than anything she wished she could talk to him the way she used to be able to. When he hung on every word that she said, when he made her feel like she was the only person in the world that he wanted to be listening to. She wanted so desperately to be able to tell him how she feels, to tell him that whether he’s meant to do it or not that he’s hurting her. Without being told that she’s arguing or whinging. Or just wanting to start a fight. Or being stupid, or it’s all in her head. 6

Now more then ever does she wonder if he really was “joking” . Had he really become bored of their sex life already. She tried to put effort in, she tried to make things exciting for him, but he lacked the effort to want to do anything, some nights he would just let her jerk him off until he cam rather then make an effort to make love to her. Something doesn’t seem right when he starts talking about porn, and wanting to get excited about watching “the sex” that other people are having. Cumming just feels different after watching someone else have sex is what he said. How does he think saying something like that to her would make her feel? Don’t get her wrong, porn can be fun, porn can make sex with your partner pretty fucking amazing, but for the right reasons. He might not need to make sex more exciting with Porn if he would just make an effort to touch her a bit more often, to spend time of foreplay making it enjoyable for her, devoting as much time and attention to her body parts the way she did for him. It made her feel great the other night when she spent a good part of the night down stairs on him making him feel good, doing everything she could to make him feel amazing, and in return she got a “do you mind if I don’t go down there on you?” How did he expect her to respond to that? Of course she’s not going to tell him that she’s upset that he doesn’t want to touch her. That he’d rather get in and root her quickly get it over and done with. She doesn’t feel him enjoying making love to her the way she used to. It feels like maybe she is getting more out of it then he is, and that hurts her in more ways than he could ever know. 7