Chapter 11
Fred was exhausted-- oh so terribly exhausted. Even now, an hour after the intense basketball game between his team and the Black Beetles, he felt beaten up. It had been a very rough game; he had gotten bruises, cuts, and scratches.2
Now,at home, he was back in his warm, cozy room, putting ice packs on each injury. He felt better, yet he was still so angry with himself because he failed to shoot the last hoop, which would've led to victory.3
While munching a protein bar in the kitchen, Fred decided not to tell his mother, who was washing the dishes, that his team had lost a basketball match; she would probably fire up, thinking he didn't practice that much.4
But later, in the den, Fred told his Dad everything. How they had lost, and how he had scored two of the sixteen hoops.5
"Well, son, don't be too hard on yourself," his father reassured him.6
Fred didn't know what to say. The agony of losing the last basketball match of the year was still tormenting him. Then he thought of what his friends would say tomorrow at school. If he still has any... 7
He shook his head to clear his mind, then mumbled,"Maybe...I'll quit basketball next year, Dad."8
"No,you shouldn't, Fred. When I was in third grade, my team lost several basketball matches; by the and of the year, I desperately wanted to quit. But my Dad made me stay."9
"What happened?" Fred asked, curious.10
"Well," his Dad said,"in the first match, I got in big trouble for stepping on someone's toe on purpose. There is not a day that I don't regret it; I got a horrible detention."11
"What was it?" Fred asked eagerly.12
"I had to copy a boring poem called 'The Wind' 15 times. It's a poem you're going to learn in fourth grade."13
Fred's mouth dropped open.14
"you mean that poem the fourth graders recited at Christmas that took nearly 20 minutes?"15
His Dad nodded.16
"So, back to the game: My team won but I didn't get the chance to celebrate; I was too busy doing my detention. Then, a few days later, I found out my team had won."17
"Did your team win the last match of the year?" Fred asked.18
His Dad hesitated, then answered,"Well, it started out bad but ended well."19
Fred supposed that meant yes. 20
He sneaked a glance at the clock on the desk and saw that it read "9:00 p.m." His dad, noticing this, chuckled.21
"It's late," he observed."You have a history test tomorrow, no?"22
Fred nodded reluctantly; his dad always seemed to know things like that.23
"But I didn't study. What if I fail?"24
"Why didn't you study yesterday?" his dad demanded, suddenly stern.25
"Practicing basketball," Fred mumbled.26
"Hmm. But you didn't bring the book with you?"27
"I--thought--I would lose it."28
There was a pause, then--"Why don't you go to bed?" his father said." You need your energy for tomorrow."29
"'Kay. 'Night, Dad."30
"Love you, Fred."31
Chapter 232
"Fred, wake up."33
"Huhhhh?"34
"Fred. Fred!"35
"Huuuhhhhh? Wha--Whozair?"36
Fred snapped awake. Someone was shaking him. He blinked a few times before he realized who it was: his dad; he was still shaking him.37
Wait a minute....his dad wasn't even touching him. Then who....?38
Suddenly he realized that everything was moving--not just him! It was an earthquake!39
He heard a distant crash.He rolled over, curled into a ball, and used a pillow to cover his head; he waited fearfully.40
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the shaking ceased.41
He waited a few seconds before nervously taking the pillow off his head.42
He glanced at the clock on his bedside table; it was 4 in the morning. 43
He looked around warily; his dad crawled out from under Fred's desk and marched out, avoiding the sea of books that had fallen off the shelves. Pencils had rolled onto the floor, where his backpack lay as well.44
"Freddy?" someone whispered. His mom was standing right outside the door clutching the doorway and looking worried."Are you okay?" she looked petrified.45
"Yeah--yeah,I'm fine I just feel a bit--"46
"Vivian."47
Fred's mom turned around, where her husband stood. Fred got out of bed to get a closer look. His dad was unharmed; Fred gave a sigh of relief.48
"Let's check out the news." he sounded serious.49
They all scrambled into the living room, turned on the TV, and listened to the news reporter.
Comments
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I still don't see where the mad scientist part is. I agree with Sala. Try to add more depth and emotion to the characters. Also add a hook, something that catches the reader's attention.
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hmm...
slow beginning, not enough action and drama. characters didn't feel real, u just zoomed thru the story w/o adding any description and stuff.
try harder.
beginning: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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You write very well for an 8 year old.
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what???
hey, I edited most of it!!
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