Memories

Memories. They are such a precious thing to have, yet also so painful to hold, especially when they are all you have left. As I sit here with my memory box I find myself thinking back to what could have been, what should have been, what was going to be. We all have them don't we? Thoughts of "If only I had..." or "What if I..." and then we run the event over and over in our mind trying to see if somewhere, somehow there was some minute detail we could have changed. Some tiny tiny detail that now in retrospect should be so obvious; if we had just done this or that differently would everything have turned out OK?1

That is a question I ask myself so much. I have replayed that day over and over in my head so many times, searching for something I could have done different, for something I did wrong, something to give me a reason to blame myself and therefore justify that it happened because I did wrong and I deserved to be punished. But no matter how many times I replay that day, I just cannot find a reason to say that it was my fault.2

The doctors of course have never blamed me. It was just a tragic thing that happened is what they tell me. Those words "just one of those terrible things that happen and no one knows why" are what I have been told so many times. But it is so hard to believe that explanation. How can something that was so perfect, so wanted, so meant to be, become a "terrible thing that happened and no one knows why"? Some days I almost feel it would be easier to take the blame, at least then I could sit and tell myself that I did something terrible, that my actions caused this tragedy, that if I ever had another chance of this happiness again I could know for sure to avoid doing whatever I had to have caused this heartbreaking loss. But no, I am simply told it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could have done differently and it 'probably' wouldn't happen again.3


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I remember the day so clearly. It was the end of October 2006 and I was preparing myself for what was going to be a very hard journey ahead. My boyfriend of 3 years was about to be posted to Iraq with the British Army for 6 months. Since August he had been away all week each week giving pre-deployment training to people who had just joined the army. November 1st was the big day when they would fly out there.5

It was a miserable day outside and I was helping my friend who is a single mum to 2 young boys get all her weekly food shopping. She kept asking me what was wrong as I wasn't being myself with her. The truth was I didn't know. I was snappy and just felt like I couldn't be bothered being there with her. My moods seemed to be swinging all over the place these past couple of weeks but I kept putting it down to the fears of my boyfriend going to war. The supermarket was hot and stuffy and full of people which was only making my mood even more foul. When we finally got to the checkout desk I felt myself go all dizzy and light headed and remember holding on to the trolley to stay upright for a couple of minutes. Without even asking me if I was ok, my friend said she would be right back and disappeared back into the shopping aisles.6

A few minutes later she returned and said we were going back to my house for a cup of tea and a chat. I was so relieved to be getting out of there and the thought of going home filled me with immediate relief. When we got back home she went in to one of the bags and handed me a box. A pregnancy testing kit. 7

"Just do it" she said to me, "you are reminding me so much of myself when I was pregnant".8

I didn't know whether to laugh out loud or shout at her. You see I had undergone treatment for cancer in my uterus when I was only 19. Then after that had been diagnosed with problems in my ovaries which meant I would need fertility treatment when I wanted to conceive. For 3 years I had been with my boyfriend and never taken precautions because I was so convinced I could not conceive naturally. And she knew all this. Yet here she was handing me a testing kit and telling me to use it. I didn't even bother to argue in the end, I knew what the test would say. So I just went off to the bathroom and done it and while I left it in there to do it's thing I put the kettle on for us both. 9

Five minutes later she told me to go and get it. I went off knowing fine well it would say Negative. When I got into the bathroom and picked it up I didn't even bother to look, just grabbed it and came back through to the kitchen, turned it to her and said "see - negative". 10

Then, as I turned back to my tea making she quietly said, "since when did a positive cross mean negative?"11

I remember taking the test into my hands and staring at it. Oh. My. God. It was positive. I felt my eyes fill up with tears and I laughed then cried. It was really positive. Immediately I sent her back to the shop for another one. Three tests later and all positive it started to sink in. My dreams were coming true, I was going to be a Mummy!12

I remember phoning my boyfriend and asking him if he was sitting down. He was - in a tank! He couldn't hear me that well and I had to scream so loudly down the phone that he was going to be a Daddy! He couldn't believe it and all the troops out with him all cheered in the background. It was such a happy moment. I couldn't wait for that weekend so he would be home with me for a few days. That weekend was so special for so many reasons. We told both our parents our great news and also it was my 25th birthday. It was our last weekend together before he was going out to Iraq and we had a big joint party - for my birthday and his leaving party. On the Monday we went to the doctor to have the pregnancy confirmed and because of the circumstances of him going away, and also because I had no idea how many weeks pregnant I was, we got told to come back the next day for an ultrasound scan. 13

The morning of the scan I woke up to find his side of the bed empty. Just a note saying he would be back soon and he loved me. I smiled like a cheshire cat and rubbed my tummy gently. I got up and dressed and was eating my breakfast when he came back. We just sat there holding each other, smiling and giggling feeling like we were on Cloud 9. Suddenly him going away for 6 months wasn't so scary, I would have our baby to keep me focused and strong. It felt like a little miracle was growing inside of me. I was happier than I had ever been.14

That afternoon I thought my bladder would burst if I drank any more water as we went in for the scan. As we walked towards the maternity unit, my boyfriend suddenly stopped and dropped to one knee! Right there in the hospital lobby he proposed to me and slid the most beautiful white gold and diamond ring on my finger. That's what he had been doing this morning!15

As I lay on the ultrasound bed I kept seeing the light make my diamond sparkle. I felt so proud. This was my little family now. As the sonographer squuezed the cold jelly onto my tummy we held hands in excitement. For a few seconds she was quiet and I could feel nervousness inside me, but then she turned the monitor around and pointed to the tiny blob on the screen. There was our baby. I was nine weeks pregnant and everything was fine. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I took my little picture. Everything was just perfect.16


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1st February 2007. Today my fiance was coming home for 14 days of rest and relaxation. He was half way through his tour in Iraq now and we had spent each week on the phone, me giving updates on my growing bump and him trying not to frighten me with what was going on out there. I was now 22 weeks pregnant and after a lonely Christmas without him couldn't wait to see him again.18

I was supposed to have had my next scan at 20 weeks, this was the big scan and the one where they could tell us if it was a boy or girl. But because I knew he was coming home I begged them to delay mine for a couple of weeks so he could be with me. 19

We had such an emotional reunion just like it is in the movies. Me running into his arms and crying and kissing each other, holding each other as if we would never let anyone part us again. He looked at my bump and couldn't believe how much it had grown already. I was starting to feel kicks now but they weren't strong enough yet for anyone else to feel them on the outside of my tummy. But I could feel them and everytime I did my face lit up with happiness. 20

The 4th of February was our scan day and it was an amazing experience. Our baby looked like a proper baby now as we saw his head and arms and hands and legs and feet all in detail. Yes, his. We were desperate to know and over the moon with joy at knowing we were having a little boy. Everything was perfect, he was perfect and we left feeling so positive the first thing we did was go and find the perfect pram to order for our little man.21

The next few days were filled with seeing family and friends and talking about the experiences my fiance was having in Iraq. Everything was so good and I so proudly showed my little bump to everyone we saw. 22

One week later on the 10th of February and just 4 days left of having my fiance with me before he went back to Iraq I woke up feeling strange. I wasn't in any pain but I felt like something wasn't right. We had a friend's birthday to attend that day so I tried to push my fears to the back of my head as we headed out for the day. By mid-afternoon I was feeling even more strange. I had these crampy feelings that kept coming and going. I was starting to get concerned and told my fiance I wanted to go to the maternity unit to be checked over. 23

When we got there the nurse said it was probably a water infection. She took a sample from me and that was when I started bleeding. As soon as the bleeding started so did the contractions. Within an hour of being at the hospital I was in an ambulance being rushed to a major hospital an hour away. I remember pain ripping through my entire body, pain I had never felt in my life before. I was so terrified and knew something was badly wrong. My fiance held my hand the whole time and tried to comfort me but my soft bump was now brick hard and I knew, I just knew, that I was in labour. It was far too soon, I was only 23 weeks pregnant, the baby needed to be in there until I was at least 37 weeks to be completely healthy. Maybe from 25 weeks I knew babies could survive but how many problems would they have? The absolute earliest for survival was said to be 24 weeks and I was still a week to early for that. I prayed through the pain that my baby would be ok. His heartbeat was still strong. Would he be ok?24

At the hospital a rush of doctors and nurses came in and out the room to see me. I could hardly speak more than a few words as the pain was so bad. I had never felt anything like it. I was scanned immediately and tried to calm myself down as they told me my little boy was ok in there, he wasn't distressed and he was moving about fine. Why was I in so much pain then? Why was I bleeding so much? Could this really just be an infection? I knew in my heart it was more than that.25

Within the next few minutes everything took a huge turn for the worse. My waters burst. Everywhere. Not a little trickle but a giant explosion like someone had burst a water balloon right next to me. That was when the doctor sat me down and explained that if I delivered the baby and the labour didn't stop then there would be nothing they would do. My baby would be too small to stand a chance and even if he was born breathing he would be too small to ventilate and would have too many problems. It was kinder to let him die naturally than put him through all that. The doctor spoke so kindly to us as we clung to each other shaking through our tears. I didn't want to belive what he was saying. If my baby could hold on inside me for another week he would have a chance, but right now he was not even going to get a chance. 26

The pain eased off a little after my waters broke. With some pain medication and me calming myself down I almost dared to hope things could be ok. The contractions seemed to have stopped now and although there was no waters inside me protecting my baby he could be ok in there for another week or so with the little drop there was left. Again that was another risk though, if he did hang on in there he could have all sorts of problems with his joints from not having enough fluids to move himself about in. Everything was just a waiting game to see what would happen.27

I managed to have a short sleep and when I woke I still felt ok. I had been there since 4pm and my waters had been broken since 5.45pm. It was now 11pm. My fiance was asleep in the chair next to my bed and I sucked on an ince cube to help my dry mouth. My baby's heartbeat still filled the room like horse hoof's galloping. It was such a beautiful sound. I tried to close my eyes and get some more sleep but the nurses started coming back in and out again now they had seen I was awake. For a while I was even joking with them about how many magazines and chocolate bars my fiance would have to bring me if I would be staying in there for a while. But it was all short lived. Just after midnight the pains returned. I tried to ignore them and close my eyes. Maybe if I could fall asleep again they would go away. But they didn't and nor could I sleep. I got more pain medication and examined again. I was 7cm dilated and would deliver soon. I was so terrified. Just after 1am there was nothing anyone could do to stop the labour anymore. My baby was ready to be born as I began to get ready to push him into the world. With the next three contractions I tried to stop myself pushing but couldn't do it. Our baby son was born at 1.24am on the 11th of February 2007. He was born sleeping and never took a breath.28

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I cannot describe the emotions that went on that night. We held each other so close and cried all night long. Our baby was placed in a tiny white moses basket and his little body covered with a satin blanked with a lace heart in the middle. At first I was terrified to look at him, I think we both were. Would he even look like a baby being so small? But he did. He was perfect. All his little fingers and toes were there. His little nose and mouth already so perfectly formed. His eyes weren't quite ready to open yet and his skin still reddish-pink but he was perfect and he was ours. 30

I longed to hear his cry fill the room as I heard other mother's push their screaming babies into the world through the wall. But we had been given a forever-sleeping angel. We were moved upstairs into a quiet room on our own and we took our little man in his basket to lie on the bed with us. We spent all night cuddling him and looking at all his perfect features. We named him Lewis. He weighed 11oz and was like a tiny doll. He fitted perfectly into my fiance's open palm. He was only 21 cm long. I don't know the words to decribe how I felt. I was heartbroken yet calm, I did not become hysterical with sadness and tears until I left him and left the hospital. Whilst I was there with my baby in my arms, even though he made no sound, I was calm. Calm with the most extreme sadness I had ever felt, sadness I did not know was possible. Yet we clung to each other for strength. 31

The next morning we had a blessing for him. He was named and prayers were read. My parents arrived and saw their tiny angel grandson. That afternoon we had to make the heartbreaking decision to leave him and go home with empty arms. 32

The week later we held his funeral. The tiniest white coffin covered in beautiful flowers and teddy bears. Everyone cried through it. I broke down completely into my fiance's arms when I saw the little white box. We laid him to rest and everyone sprinkled fresh rose petals over his coffin as it was lowered into the earth. One month later a beautiful headstone was placed there and is now one of the only places I can find comfort and closeness when I visit.33

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And now here I am today, almost 18 months on and all I have left is my memories. A little box filled with photographs of my angel and prints of his hands and feet. His beautiful satin blanket that he lay in I often taken out and just cuddle into. The sympathy cards we received in those weeks that followed. Little gifts I have collected for him over the months that have passed. His 1st birthday candle that would have gone on his cake. Photographs of us round his stone with balloons on his birthday. Christmas baubles with his name on them for our tree. Every significant event bringing the reminder even more painfully back to me that he should have been here with us. 35

But every day, every single normal day, I have my memories in a box and my never dying love for him in my heart. 36

Rest In Peace my beautiful baby boy. You will be forever loved, forever missed and never forgotten.37

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In memory of Lewis - 11 February 2007.39