Power Rising

Cameron woke up and was instantly awake, it had taken him a long time to be able to do that but then again he had had quite a long time on his hands. He had been on the streets since he had been abandoned on the side of the road at 6 years old and since then he had found ways to survive on the streets. Cameron thought he was about 18-19 years old though if the truth were to be told he wasn’t really quite sure. 1

He sat up and looked around him, he was in one of his favourite haunts, it was an empty building in a line of old shops. There was a power station over the road which probably violated about a thousand laws but Cameron has always liked how the power station made everything feel charged. Cameron stood up and grabbed his knives, he knew how to use them though he preferred fists. He went to the roof, here he looked around to see if anybody was near. He definitely didn’t want anyone else to know about his hideout and the social services people had a habit of finding anyone. Last time they had taken his stuff and kicked him out of the building he had been staying in. He was legally an adult now but they could still kick him out if they wanted to.2

When he was certain that no-one was around he took a running start and jumped to the building next. He then climbed up the wall and lowered himself over the wall of the next shop. He kept going like this, he was used to it. Since the year after he had been kicked out by his parents he had seen a group of kids running around on the rooftops and ever since then he had decided he would be a “Parkour”. A Parkour grabbed a map drew a straight line from here to there and went that way. Over houses, in the sewers they just kept going. 3

After over 10 years of this Cameron found that he was always more nervous wide open areas. He preferred to keep an escape route in sight and that usually meant the rooftops or the sewer ways. He could just about outrun just about anybody but he new his way around better up high or down low than he did on the streets. 4

It was blisteringly hot, just the way Cameron liked it. He loved the feel of the sun and couldn’t understand why most people liked to stay indoors, personally he thought that if he had to stay inside he would either die of boredom or breakout in a day. When he got to his destination he saw an old piece of wood which had scatchings in it. To most people the scratchings were random and wild but in reality it was a sort of code. Cameron looked at the “notice board” and swore. It looked as if someone was making up a gang in his neighbourhood. There were two things Cameron new for certain about gangs, one they always wanted to fight and two, even if you join one it’s usually more trouble than its worth, mainly because the leaders only ever thought about themselves. 5

The guy wanting to start the gang had left a place to meet so Cameron decided it would be best to see if he could see what sort of guy he was dealing with. He stole a bun from a vendor while he wasn’t looking and started heading to the meeting place. The meeting place was an alley off the main street, Cameron smiled at the cliché. He got on top of a building and sat there while he waited. After a while guys started showing up. First came a girl who looked like she was bored, then came three guys who were the sort he classified as muscle men. And then finally came the head guy, you could tell he was the guy who’d left the message cause he had a self satisfied sort of look that said “I’m the top dog.”6

“O.K” said Top Dog “first tings first, what’s your name and why should I let you in?”7

One of the muscle men said “Were all called Brad and were good in a fight.”8

Cameron almost laughed aloud at this.9

“You’re all called Brad?” asked Top Dog.10

“Yep,” said another Brad “That a problem?”11

“Not really” said Top Dog again, “ and why should I let you in missy?”12

“Cause I can steal just about anything.”13

“Really?” said Top Dog.14

“Yeah, and you’ll get your wallet back if I can join.”15

Cameron snorted as he saw Top Dog reach for his pocket, he liked that girl.16

“Who’s there.” said Top Dog.17

“Who wants to know?” replied Cameron18

“My name’s Sam”19

“Huh, well Sam, if your planning on setting up shop around here I’d appreciate it if you moved on.”20

“Oh,” smirked Sam “and why’s that?”21

“Cause it would be a problem if you tried to mug me, I might hurt someone.”22

“Right so your wanting to join to hey?”23

“Me? No, been there done that, no I just wanted to see what sort of gang you were starting. Answer to that is, I’m not really impressed.”24

Cameron enjoyed baiting this guy, it was really easy but still fun.25

“Well mister big stuff you better watch your back cause sooner or later we’ll meet you again, in the meantime… Brad why don’t you get him down.”26

“Our pleasure” replied Brad.27

Cameron snorted “Yeah Brad why don’t you come get me down.”28

He shouted insults at the brads until they were on the landing below him then as they thought there was nowhere for him to run to he climbed on top of the rail and jumped, landing on the fire escape below on the opposite building, from here he climbed to the roof in a fraction of the time it would have taken the Brad’s.29

“Last and only warning,” said Cameron, deadly serious, “don’t hang around, find some other place.”30

He smile, suddenly back to the impetuous kid again and looked at the girl/thief, “You however, I won’t mind meeting again, what was your name?”31

She smiled from where she had been watching the charade, “My name’s April.”32

“Pretty name for a pretty girl, I’ll be seeing you again, bonvoyage.” And with that he set off seemingly leaving, however once he was out of site he circled back to see the aftermath.33

When he got back the Brad’s were just getting down from the fire escape, all of them looking disappointed.34

“What did that guy say his name is?” Sam asked all of them.35

“He didn’t,” said April “though he does know all of our names.”36

“Shit,” swore Sam, “Did you see that jump? He must be crazy, wouldn’t have wanted him to join anyway.”37

“Sure not,” said April, “so are we going to have some base or something?”38

“Of course,” said Sam, “Why do you think I chose this area, empty buildings everywhere, tomorrow all we have to do is pick one, after that we’ll make sure the locals know that there is now a new gang running the street.” He smiled as he concluded his speech.39

April looked a little troubled “So this is where we’ll meet tomorrow?”40

“Nah, that other guy knows about this spot lets meet in the building across from the power station, it’s huge.”41

Cameron swore under his breathe, odds were they’d discover his hideout if they decided to set up shop in his building.42

He stepped back from the edge and 43

Still going any comments or ideas are welcome

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Comments


  • Demon Buster
    July 25, 2008

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    hey al you can ask max for help he's all yours for another part of this story if there is one still i wouldn't have mided if cameron di after all show his abilities


  • Oblivion Kitty God silver member
    July 23, 2008

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    Since you requested a critical read, I'm going to critique this to my best content.

    Paragraph 1: "Cameron woek up and was instantly awake..." I understand what you're saying, but the way you present it it sloppy. You overuse the idea of waking up. Try "Cameron sat up in his bed, instantly awake."

    End the sentence at "awake." Start a new sentence with "It had taken..." Same sentence: revise the wording. Following setences: don't use the numerical versions of small numbers. Spell them out. Delete the last sentence.

    Paragraph 2: "...looked around him[.] He..."


    "...favorite haunts: an empty..."

    "There was a power..." this entire sentence makes no sense. Try revising it to make speak more clearly.

    Ok, I'll be honest, if I were to red pen this thing, it'd be the bloodiest paper I've ever graded. As such, I'll simply my advice.

    You overuse comas and don't user other punctuation enough. Your details and decriptions are lax. You character is faceless and there is little connection to the reader. The progress of events are difficult to follow. The flow is disruptive and the grammar poor.

    Overall, this is more of a very rough draft. Use a grammar checker and find someone who can show you one-on-one how to correct your grammar and structure.

    A decent start, but needs a lot of work.