Some Random Faerie Girl

I was never normal. Not when i was three and ran away from day care. Not when i was six, sittin alone on the concrete in my cowboy boots and denim skirt, reading a 200 page novel, cheeks flushed, breathing hard, feeling asthmatic after outrunning all the boys. 1

Normal girls dont live in storm filled broken homes, surrounded by tears and broken coffee mugs and shattered dreams and torn wedding bands. Normal girls dont shut themselves away with nothing but a book and a flashlight, wishing it could always be night. I was always the odd one out, the red headed faerie girl with the blonde roots, who couldnt seem to find her wings. in torn up army pants and combat boots. pink glitter in my hair and on my face. glistening as the tears stained my cheeks. 2

i was a little girl in a crushed faerie land surrounded by marble statues and make up perfection. a malibu dream home furnished with tears and desperate screams. i slept in my closet, surrounded by velvet dresses and forgotten teddy bears, pretending i had wings, dreaming of the day i would fly away. i cooked dinner, imagining away the burnt macaroni ,i'd feast on words and thoughts.3

i've always lived in my own little world, terrified of being alone, terrified of being left behind again. somedays in my world were bright and sunny, beautiful with golden waterfalls and cotten candy clouds. and others were dark and stormy, complete with crimson rain and acid tears. and in my world of paper flowers i lived alone waiting for someone who cared. 4

covered in glitter i'd throw myself into the world. a string of failed romances  adorning my necklike a strand of antique pearls. coming home bent and broken covered in lies and hopeless tries. wearing a mask that hid the scars and washed away the tears. dreaming of the day the mask fell away. 5

i was never normal. i lived in my own little world, dreaming beautifully dark dreams. sleeping on a bed of razorblades, wrapped in a cloak made from the night sky. i talked to the moon and to the lost faeries who cried glitter tears and tied my golden hair in knots. they cried the day i cut it all of. 6

i was not normal, standing on the edge of a cliff, cold and alone, moments from stepping across that line. i was not normal standing there letting the blood spill from my wrists like water turned to wine. 7

i was insane and crazy standing there as the blood moon dawned. but then along came you. the fallen angel from my razorblade heaven. all dark hair and loud music. wonderland and heaven and hell all wrapped up into one. 8

and before i knew it, before i loved you, before i liked you, i trusted you. i told you my whole story. all of it. and you knew i was insane and you didnt care, because you were insane too. and i didn't care because you were my friend. 9

you made me laugh, without knowing that laughter drove my razorblade demons away. talking to you was so easy. the words came, on angel wings and fell from my mouth like pearls. and i didnt care that you knew everything. i didn't have to hide anymore.10

and then it hit me, i liked you. there it was on the inside of my mind, written in flourescent yellows and pinks. i liked you. it was strange. because i didnt want to like you then. i just wanted to be your friend. i dont know what it was. there must have been magic in the air, an ecstasy laced breeze chilling and thawing my frozen, firey mind. 11

when i was with you my insanity went away. you made everything ok. when i was with you it was all peace signs and pink converses. ramones songs blaring in my head. the whiskey laced lullabies and vodka tears were a hazy memory. a black and white film of some other girl's life. 12

and so i sat there, a black lily in my hands glitter swirling around me as the bruised and battered faeries of my wonderland knotted my newly dyed hair. "i love him, i love him not, i love him"13

you had your own horror stories, your own nightmares and razorblade demons. you had scars on your arms too. you had your own heaven and your own hell. your own bed of razor blades and kitchen knives. your own sad song. 14

and i like to imagine that i made things okay for you too. that maybe somehow i had made you happy, because you made me hapy so often. i just wanted to return the favor.15

it was strange, this broken little girl smiling as her mask went away. as a pink and purple sun dawned in her mind. smiling as i fell down the stairs and into love with you. and for awhile the world was perfect, candy coated smiles and tie dyed dreams. 16

but the nightmare stallion was always there. his black mane knotted and long, red eyes glinting as bloodied tears ran down his face. and he chased away the happiness, crushing my faerie wonderland, leaving me alone, crying crimson colored acid tears as razor blade raindrops fell onto me. 17

but there you were again. making me laugh, making sure i was ok, not caring that i was just as insane as before. 18

and your smile drove away the cocaine razorblades and rusted knives. it was then i think that i knew i loved you. you, with your randomness and scarred wrist. with the dark hair waiting to be spiked. with all your sanity and insanity twining and braiding themselves together into heaven and hell. 19

and the faeries came back, braving the nightmare stallion's stampedes. tying my hair into knots curling some strands this way and others that way. and even though i lived in hell, among the demons and mutineers. it was all okay because you were there too. singing along to songs i'd never heard before but loved the moment i heard them. 20

i like to imagine that all this pain will go away, that the world will be one giant woodstock. peace. love. pot. happiness. and acid. that i'll find my neverland and never have to grow up. because even though my souls a thousand years old and even though i've lived sixteen long years. im juss a random faerie girl stuck in a mortal world until she can find her neverland. 21

but sometimes i don't want to find that neverland, because what if you weren't there. 22

if you weren't there it wouldn't be wonderland, it wouldnt be my neverland. it would just be another part of my frozen firey hell thats just as pretty as my razorblade heaven. 23

i'm crazy and insane. i love dancing in the rain. i cant wait till im free till i can run away from home. i cant wait until i can see the pure sunshine in the middle of the night. i cant wait to lay black roses on kurt cobains grave. i cant wait till the warped tour. i love lying on my roof counting the stars as they cry.24

i love throwing glitter into the wind and smelling flowers. i love watching star wars and how to deal and napolean dynamite. i watch tom and jerry on mute with manson playing in the background. i pretend im immortal, that i cannot die.25

and you dont think im weird. you dont lecture me about my potential and my future. you don't tell me to be someone im not. you just let me be that insanely crazy gothic pink haired hippie i am. you dont care if i act three and a half or that i obsess over dead movie stars. you dont care about any of it, except i think you care about me.26

i like to imagine that to you im not just some random girl. that im something more. that i made you smile when you wanted to cry. 27

because you are the angel from my razor blade heaven. singing songs i've never heard. laughing outloud ignoring everyone in the crowd. somehow you pulled me back.28

you saved me. now ill always be that random little faerie girl with red hair and blonde roots. with the pink converses who looks a little off in her blue plaid skirt. 29

i know im not pretty and im not beautiful. im not hot and im not cool. im insecure and insane. im annoying and crazy. i kno that im hard to love. 30

but i'd like to imagine that somehow this randomly insane faerie girl with  red hair and blonde roots. who loves glitter and sparkly things. who headbangs to mozart and dances ballet to my chemical romance. who reads book after book, dreaming away her sorrows in an ancient, fictionally real faerieland. wont always be alone. 31

id like to imagine that somehow, you the angel from my razorblade heaven, the virgil from my firey frozen hell, could love me.32

and i think maybe i wont have to imagine.33

i think for awhile at least ill be living in a world of pink converses and silver peace signs. where the lost, rejected, forgotten faerie children will braid my hair into a hundred thousand braids. as the summer rain washes away my scars. and as the ramones blasts through the night ill skip through the streets and smile because for once i think i mite actually be happy. 34

being happy. maybe my neverland is happiness. maybe, hopefully ill see you, the king of this wonderland there,and we'll laugh beneath the summer rain and ecstasy laced breeze as the forgotten faeries play tag with the fire flies.35