My Secret

"Please listen to me. Blake, I love you."1

"What?"2

"I love you. I know I haven't told you before, but I just wasn't ready. I'm ready now. I love you, and I want to be with you, really with you."3

"Cat, I--are you serious, Cat?"4

"Absolutely."5

"Jeez, Cat, I love you too, but I feel like you're never really here. Even when I'm kissing you, or holding your hand, I miss you. It's like you're a million miles away."6

"I know, and I'm sorry, Blake. Just know that I love you. Please believe me."7

"I do, Cat. I do."8

That was the last argument that Blake and I ever had. I finally opened up to him, letting out all of my pain and my hate. My secrets come at a high price, and I couldn't tell him until I was sure he was ready. The rest of this is about my story. My secrets, which changed Blake from just a boy I cared for to the only person I would ever trust.9

When I was 13, I had a boyfriend named James. He was older, 16, and so cute. We got along alright for a while, until he wanted to do sexual stuff with me. Then it all spun out of control. One night, we were at his house, and he was trying to get me to have sex with him. I said no, and he handed me a drink. After that, I don't remember anything until the next day when I was taking a shower. There was blood in the water, and I was so sore, and tired. James didn't talk to me after that. 10

When I told my best friend Lily, she told my mom and dad. Dad flipped, and started hitting me. He wouldn't stop for anything, and I could feel the blood in my mouth, the bumps on my head, the broken rib. It all hurt, but I refused to let him see me as weak. I couldn't take it, so after he stopped and went into his room with my mom, I cried. He hit me for another 3 months before I left. 11

I remember how cold it was. I was so alone. I was so scared. After a few days, I ran out of money. I remember this guy in a new car picking me up off the streets. His car was warm, and he seemed nice. Kind of cute, no too old, not like my dad. He paid me up front, $150. I wasn't sure why he was paying me, until he started touching me. That's when I figured out that he wanted to touch me. So I let him. I withdrew into my own world. After that, he dropped me off at a gas station. I walked in and bought some food, and some gum. 12

I survived my time on the streets by skipping from place to place with another girl I met named Trudy for about 2 years. We stayed in cheap hotels, and moved around from house to house. It was hard, but it was better than letting him hit me. Trudy had a drug problem. I knew about it, but I didn't judge her because, well, as a 15 year old prostitute, who was I to judge anyone?13

Any way I came home one day from a job, and I put all my stuff down and yelled for Trudy that I made about $600 that night, so we could go get food, and she could get her stash. I wasn't worried when she didn't answer because I saw her sleeping. I tried to wake her up, but she was so cold. Then I saw the pills, and the note. 14

"My dearest Cat-15

You are the only reason I had to stay alive. You were my only hope for anything, and seeing you in pain made me so sad. Know that I love you, and this isn't your fault. I can't live like this, and I didn't think I would die this way, but I am. I don't want anyone to know who I am. It would break my mother's heart if she knew. So please, just take my ID, and my money. Make sure no one knows who I am. I just want to be anonymous. I love you Catey-Cat. 16

Always, 17

Trudy"18

When Trudy died, I came back. My mom had kicked my dad out, and everything was better. Then I met Blake, and now, I'm marrying him. Tomorrow is the big day. I'm not scared, because I know that he's the only person I trust, the only one I love. He knows my secret, and he still doesn't judge me, or hate me. When I told him, I remember what he said.19

"I'm disgusting Blake, I'm never going to be clean."20

"You're not disgusting."21

"I slept with people for money. I'm a--I'm a whore."22

"No, you're the girl I love. That will never change."23