Near your grave I just stand1
Justifying what you saw holding your graves sand2
It was you who made me make a choice3
As misunderstandings burnt all the memories of joice4
I asked you to be mine only5
But you talked to everyone else leaving me alone so lonely6
Even when with me your eyes were not mine7
Because they seemed to roam around other than our own dine8
When we talked your mind always would sway away9
Never did I got the attention back like my way10
And I said you those words that you heard me saying to her11
But you never did realize those were the same; they were12
You left me before and I started a new life again13
Leaving all my past my memories of you and all that pain14
Now you realized how much it hurts15
And you threw my love away, buried it into dirt16
I’m sorry but you were too late17
I waited for you a lot to come back but then I couldn’t wait18
I m sorry if you blame me for all this19
But I still miss you, yes I really do20
Sorry again but now you're in a peaceful place 21
I need to hurry back she is waiting22
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Comments
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It was a good read, but slightly confusing in parts. I did like it though. I did see one or two places where there was a grammar mistake or a different word may sound better, but *shrugs* it's all good. lol You do however, have a talent for making a point, as well as sharing your emotions and being able to make the reader relate in some way to your poem. Good write! keep up the good work!
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This was very confusing... I think it would have been better left at one. The word 'U' needs to be switched over to you for this to be a proper poem. Some of the ryming was a little forced and it seemed to repeat in some places. It was a good point you were making though by presenting the story from the boy's POV. Although the boy seems very eragent and he doesn't seem to really care that she killed herself. Not your best work as I said before but it does have potental.
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"Now you realized how much it hurts15
And you threw my love away, buried it into dirt16"
was my favorite stanza. This poem is really good, I could imagine you actually giving it to someone. For publication though, maybe switching "u" to you would be a good idea. I honestly liked the first one better, no offense. It seemed to be more meaningful and emotional. This one seemed a little rushed, in line four, what does "joice" mean? I think this has some typos. You have really good lines like 15-16, and 21-22. But some of the others are as good, 12 seems confusing to me. But 12 is great. I loved the idea of rebirth. Your word choice is good and adds power to the poem.
Maybe write more poems like this in a series with different titles? I think one called "Buried Love" would be could for you. Look at the book "Heartbeat" by Sharon Creech, it is written in a similar layout. So is the book, "One Of Those Hideous Books where the Mother Dies" By Sonya (I don't remember the last name).
Great Job as always!
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Jackie this is the first time you've commented critically.. Really appreciate that. I tried removing the typos. Wasn't my best works, i realize, but i'm too lazy to correct this. So i'll let it be - as a reminder to me to concentrate more the next time
~Arooj~
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I like the first poem and I think you should have left it at one, because this one of confusing. I think you should go back and fix the "u"'s and replace them with "You". Like I said this was...confusing.
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U mistake corrected. Thanks for commenting! How are you doing?
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