I sit in the park where I dwell,1
For this boy I love so well.2
He took my heart away from me, 3
Now he wants to set me free.4
I see a girl on his lap,5
He says things to her he never said to me.6
I ran home to cry on my bed,7
Not a word to mother was said.8
Father came home late that night, 9
He looked at me from left to right.10
He saw me hanging from a rope,11
He took his knife to cut me down.12
And on my dress a note was found:13
Dig my grave, Dig it deep,14
Dig my grave, From head to feet.15
And on the top put a dove.
In a list
Comment Critically Please!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Hmmmm.
Simple.
Arooj, I agree with what other people have said with the last lines where it doesn't rhyme. But, what should be realized is that many beautiful poems hardly have any rhyming sentences. Anyhow, it is emotional in a way but optimistically it is a poor theme. Suicicde in my opinion is very pathetic. Even the lowest of men have found ways to keep there heads high and make something of of their lives. Suicidal incidents are sad because they do not conclude a life of a person; but the life of a weak person.
It surely is a good poem.
I am just against those kind of people as I have described above. But, hey its all personal opinion right!
Hope to reading from you.
Maybe even see you soon. -
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Hamza thanks for commenting. As always you're best with the criticism! but i appreciate it.. Thats what makes me improve.. I don't agree with the idea of suicide in any way either but this is a situation very common where we live. Suicidal notes because of love failure.
Anyway.. hoping to see you soon
~Me~
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Hells yes.
Good. the only thing I noticed was that there was only one '-ove' line in the end. Add another, please.. Rewarded 4
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it is really good. The 14th and 15th lines don't make sense.
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That's a symbol.. a sign, that the girl never wanted anything bad. She wanted love and peace. With her boyfriend and everybody around her.. A simple concept but it hasn't been delivered accurately i s'pose. Thanks for commenting anyway!
~Arooj~
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Hm... I think the last line doesn't particularly fit in... plus I've seen it a million places elsewhere. It's a little short as well... I'd love to see even more emotion in this piece. It's pretty good though.
. Rewarded 4
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Hum, the poems not your best work. Some of the wordings a tad bit weird. Lines 7-12 should be stated more clearly its a little confusing. Why didn't her mother say something and if her father was home late why was it him who found her? Why did he go looking for her? I like the note though. Could use a little more polishing but otherwise its good.
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I realize, not the best of the works but all works here, right? Learning from mistakes is the keyword!
All the questions you wrote, i don't really have an answer to them. The mother is probably the quit one, who is leaving all matters to the head of the family. and when the dad returns back she must've told him about how upset her daughter was. Maybe dad was closer to the girl and he decided to talk to her. and instead found her dead.
Writer's block!! ughh! sorry ..
i'll try improving! Thanks for commenting!
~Arooj~
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wow! this poem was dark, emotional, filled with voice, and had a great rhyme scheme. I think is unique and cool that you are writing in a series. I would love to read more. The Dig My Grave line was one of my favorites.
I am a little confused though, because when it said "He saw me hanging from a rope,11", I thought that was a metaphor. But then the next two lines make it seem like you might have committed suicide.
So maybe before line 11 you should insert a stanza about committing suicide such as "I could not believe what he did to me", "It hurt so much I could no longer stand to be".
Overall, a great poem and I look forward to reading more of your awesome work!
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