Heisenberg's Shaman: The River - Synopsis and Sample Chapter

SYNOPSIS1

Katie, who can interact with spirits, finds a man possessed by a "Charisma" spirit in a river. During her investigations the "Charisma" escapes. Using her powers she travels first to her African shaman mentor, then the international spiritualism council. She, a team of fellow Shamans and their accompanying spirits visit The Deep - a parallel Earth where quantum mechanics allow teleportation, telekinesis and even time travel. A fight with a horde of evil spirits ends when a nuclear strike impacts. Escaping, they discover that the "Charisma" spirit influenced the government to order the strike, precipitating a nuclear holocaust. Katie, the only Shaman with sufficient understanding of quantum mechanics, returns to The Deep, travels back in time and captures the "Charisma" spirit preventing disaster.2

CHAPTER 43

The return journey was more difficult. Storms flashed across the internet, and many energy spiders flickered or died. The fabric of the web was breaking up in parts and many of the agents of the devourers; whose creators misguidedly call them ‘worms’ and ‘viruses’; were grinding up the carriers and the information spirits in their path. More than once I had to beat back a black devouring spirit to protect my energy spider as I guided it through the remaining open pathways back to my home network port. I arrived breathless and hot from the exertion and, after checking on the possessed man, prepared myself a cup of reviving tea.4

After a few minutes’ thought I remembered my ride-on lawn mower and thought I would be able to lift the man on to the back of it. After struggling for a while, I instead put him into a trailer, which I then towed along with the mower. Finally, I was able to transfer him to the bed in a guest room at the back of the house. I placed the rabbit-bone spirit on watch beside him to raise the alarm should anything happen.5

Returning to the meditation room I planned to make contact with a spirit of knowledge - specifically, a spirit of ancient knowledge. No charisma spirit had incarnated on earth for almost two hundred years. No one alive today had any experience of them. It was time for some astral research.6

Once again I took the green bag down from its peg, this time taking out the memory stick. I attached the stick to a long cable and plugged the other end into the computer in the office. Then, returning to the meditation chamber I lay down upon the floor in the centre of the room, placing my hands, still holding the memory stick, together upon my abdomen. Stilling my body, I awakened my mind to the spirit realm, mind-shouting to call up the spirits to my aid.7

I summoned spirit after spirit. At first only the nearby spirits of the farm, the house, a recently deceased fish and the nearby mill came forward, but as I rose higher into the astral realms, I was able to see further.8

Far below me, the internet was descending into crisis. A battle was in progress and bandwidth was being consumed by more and more of the devouring darkness. For the time being, my private line was untouched. At least there would be one safe exit if the internet descended into turmoil.9

Just above the internet I could see the spirits of the living things. The fish and rats of the river, the birds and the mice. And alongside them the spirits of the inanimate world, the earth, the air, the nearby road. The lady of the river was smiling with the recent rains, but she was also dirty with red pollution worms swimming to and fro, blindly ravaging her banks with their spiny teeth.10

Higher still I saw the spirits of raw emotion, feeling and lost memories. These spirits held sway over no one right now, but gained sustenance and power from possessing the unwary.11

As I rose a little further, I passed an orange angel and at last came upon a book. This celestial index or directory could refer me to other knowledge spirits. In exchange I allowed it access to the spirit of the memory stick in my bag. It satisfied its ever-present hunger for information on the latest URL updates from Google. Satisfied, the book told me the name of a spirit of ancient knowledge. Descending to the earth, I stood up and uttered the true name of the spirit and, when it was invoked, exchanged promises: it agreeing to remain in a binding for a few minutes, me agreeing to keep its name secret and never to summon it again. I bound it into the small mirror on the wall of the meditation chamber, touching the mirror to open the spirit binding matrix.12

Then, releasing Narisel once more from the lavender of the pressed flower book, I asked the ancient knowledge spirit to tell us about charismas.13

Knowledge spirits are simultaneously all-knowing and ignorant. One must ask them direct questions very carefully or be misled. Narisel has the ability to sense underlying meaning invisible to me. This is why I admire him so much.14

“What is a charisma?” I asked slowly, thinking carefully, using mind speech.15

Flicking through its pages, its image in the mirror, the knowledge spirit spoke expressionlessly, “A spirit of charisma is a restless spirit of great influence brought forth in times of crisis. It has a strong sense of purpose and will gather followers and power until it achieves its aim at which time it will finally be able to rest.”16

“Why has a charisma possessed the man over there?” I said pointing.17

“The charisma was very weak and needed to possess an easy host.”18

Right then the small table and chair at the end of the meditation room bumped together with a crack. I could see their spirits were untroubled, but such things do not happen from just a simple gust of wind. There was no time to wonder, I had a promise to keep to the spirit in the mirror.19

“Why was the charisma weak?” I asked.20

“Which charisma?”21

Narisel wafted some of his purple scent at the knowledge spirit in the mirror. The knowledge spirit glanced upwards to see that Narisel was preparing to summon a spirit of awkwardness, then quickly turned a page and spoke rather than be taken possession of. Narisel had saved me the effort of playing mind-games with a knowledge spirit which could have wasted hours.22

“Assuming you mean the charisma in the man you mentioned previously, it was weakened during a recent battle.”23

I frowned, “Battle?”24

The knowledge spirit replied, even though I did not think I had asked a question – Narisel’s influence at work again. “The battle between the devourers and the creators. It continues now.”25

The charisma had come into being to fight in the war. It would have gathered a force of powerful spirits then gone into battle against whatever forces blocked its purpose. Presumably its force was defeated and it had sought a host to regain its strength. It had settled on a man. The man. But which side was it fighting on and what was its purpose? Its alignment could be decisive in the war.26

“What is the purpose that the charisma exists to fulfil?”27

“That is unknowable,” the knowledge spirit’s pages turned blank.28

Of course, I might just as well have asked the knowledge spirit for the charisma’s true name. “Who was the spirit fighting against?”29

“Against whom?” knowledge spirits were frequently pedantic, even when using mind speech. “The devourers of The Deep.”30

Aghast, I froze. Narisel also recoiled, almost to the sanctuary of his book.31

The Deep was as far from the spiritual realms as it was possible to reach. For the devourers to be waging war there, and for the effects to be noticeable within the inter-web, the very fabric of the material world must be at risk. Internet collapse was one thing, earthquakes, hurricanes, floods and fire a different matter altogether. Now, the quiet bumping together of two pieces of furniture took on more ominous meaning.32

Incanting the knowledge spirit’s true name once more, I freed it from the binding. The troubles on the internet were but a pale reflection of the battle that must be raging in The Deep this very moment. Just as the bumping of furniture only hinted of the troubles in the network. The prospect of the devourers consuming all of creation was too terrible to bear. I had to speak with the charisma – in spite of the dangers that would pose.33

The lights flickered and all the electrical devices in the house blinked out. All, that is, except the computer with its protected power supply. I hurried to the guest room. As I arrived, I was struck dumb. There on the floor was the rabbit-bone, but the spirit was gone, the binding broken. There was no sign of the man, it looked as though he had simply risen and walked out.34

Losing no time to mourn the loss of my spiritual friend, I rushed out looking for the man. I was able to follow the trail of wet footprints to the back door out into the farm yard then around to the front of the house. From there I could see him waiting at the end of the gravel driveway. Despite his wet, scruffy and vagrant appearance, the first passing car pulled over to let him in. I raced toward the vehicle, but the young driver already had an air of fanatical certainty about her. The man turned to look at me blankly and in his eyes I saw a bright and penetrating light I will never forget.35

He had the first recruit in his new army. An army of humans.

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  • tallblondie gold member
    December 14, 2008

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    [1] Grammar, spelling and punctuation.

    First thing that caught my attention was your miuse of semi-colons in this section:

    The fabric of the web was breaking up in parts and many of the agents of the devourers; whose creators misguidedly call them ‘worms’ and ‘viruses’; were grinding up the carriers and the information spirits in their path.

    The only time that semi-colons are grammatically allowable is in the creation of compound sentences - where they are used to join two complete sentence with very close meaning or relation. Each of the statements that you have used in this long sentence are incoomplete sentences, and therefore can not be joined with semi-colons. A good fix would be to replace these with commas. If you wanted to emphasise the middle statement, you could also use dashes instead of commas.

    There are also some places in your narrative that need commas added - either due to the fact that the sentences are complex or there is an evident need for a pause in thought. For instance para 22:

    The knowledge spirit glanced upwards to see that Narisel was preparing to summon a spirit of awkwardness, then quickly turned a page and spoke rather than be taken possession of. Narisel had saved me the effort of playing mind-games with a knowledge spirit which could have wasted hours.

    'and' should be used before 'then', and a comma should be added after 'spirit' - to clarify the syntax of this sentence.

    Also, though most of your dialogue tagging is in the correct form, you need to be careful of things like this:

    I frowned, “Battle?”

    'I frowned' is an action preceding speech, not an acknowledgement/action of speech, so a full stop should be used instead of a comma. Logically speaking, a frown isn't speech - it is an expression.

    [2] Word usage.

    The descriptive language you use - the personification and metaphors you use to describe the spirit entities - though effective in the first instance, didn't really give me, the reader, something interesting to really latch on to. I felt that you could have given a lot more description to these spirits - something that the reader can really 'see'.

    [3] Style and continuity.

    The character in the chapter you provided is fairly well-developed, except I had no visual picture of her. You may have dveloped her physical characteristics in an earlier chapter, but it is always good to occasionally add small reminders to the reader - whether it be a quirk of the character or a minor detail relating to her appearance. Readers can be forgetful, and having these 'reminders' helps the reader to continue relating with the MC.

    As for continuity, I did find some of the transitioning between physical and metaphysical settings confusing - needing to double back and re-read. Some of this is due to the fantasy/sci-fi nature of your plot, but too much of it will cause readers to give up on the story. Try to keep the flow consistent - try reading it back to yourself aloud - if something 'hungs', or catches in the narrative, think of ways that section can be rephrased.

    I also noted that you tend to overuse passive voice in places that could be better delivered in active voice. In active voice the verb acts on the noun, rather than the other way around. Active voice is used to involve the reader and is used in places in your narrative where it is important to hold a reader's interest.

    [4] Story components.

    I had some difficulty relating to Narisel due to 'his' abstract qualities. I often found it confusing as to what was attributed to him and what was strributed to your MC.

    I felt that some of your metaphysical scenes (travelling through the planes of reality) could have been expanded on more with richer descriptions.

    One thing I felt was well written was your dialogue - it was utilised well to build the story and add important plot points - especially that of the meaning of the Charisma spirit character, and its role in providing conflict for the story.

    [5] Literary value.

    The premise of your story is quite unusual - especially the blend of science fiction (quantum travel, the role of the internet etc) with traditional fantasy (spirits and other 'intangible' creatures). With some work, this story could prove to be entertaining and engaging to an audience that prefers this style of story.

    Thank you for your entry in Novels and Chaptered Works 2.


  • intoothandclaw
    October 17, 2008

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    That's interesting -- you characterize spirits in a similar way as I do. I don't often meet people who talk about a "charisma" spirit, or any sort of "concept"-type spirit, as opposed to ghosts and less abstract ideas. The idea of a sentient, self-aware concept has always appealed to me a hell of a lot. The fact that quantum mechanics may allow for such to happen in the real world someday not too far off makes it even better. (Yay for Bose-Einstein Condensates. )