The Greed Strain- Chapter 1

Even at 2:00 in the morning, Thirty-Eight year old Richard Menucci could not sleep. 1

He couldn't stop thinking about the death of his brother, and how he didnt deserve it. 2

He just lay there, on top of his covers, thinking. He didnt deserve this. He was a great man. He loved his wife and children, he was a hard worker, and never even got a speeding ticket.3

Just three weeks earlier, the police had found Richard's older brother, Mario Menucci, dead in his Chicago house. Cause of death, poison. The medical examiner determined that the poisoning wasn't an accident. 4

Someone had killed him.5

The only problem was, there was no trace of  how he was poisoned, when he was poisoned, and of course who would want to kill him. All that they knew was that the poison was Cyanide, which caused him to go into cardiac arrest, and since his wife and three kids were away on vacation, there was no one there to help him. 6

This information only made Richard feel guilty for not being able to be there for his brother when he needed him. 7

Mario had a great life. He had a large amount of money, and owned a very nice house on the outskirts of Chicago. He owned a local real estate company, and was therefor able to work from home, so he was always with his family. Mario was forty-six when he died.8

Mario was born in Florence, Italy, but only lived there for five years until his father got a new job, and their family moved to Chicago. His father also owned his own real estate company, and their family was quite wealthy. Three years later, Richard was born. 9

Richard was raised around kids that spoke english, so he naturally picked up on the language. He barely even had an Italian accent, except for when he was speaking Italian. Richard lived in a small, but nice apartment. Even though he could afford more, he didn't buy any more, because he didn't have a family, it was only him living by himself. He made a fair amount of money (however, not as much as his brother) from his job. Richard had gotten divorced two years earlier and decided that he didn't want to marry again. Usually, him and his brother got together every other weekend. 10

And he desperately missed his older brother.11

The next morning, Richard awoke with a shock. He quickly sat up and looked at the clock. 9:32 AM! I must have fallen asleep while thinking! Now I'm going to be late unless I can get to work in 15 minutes! He thought. 12

He quickly jumped out of bed, threw some clothes on and grabbed a coat. He didn't bother to brush his teeth or take a shower. On his way to work in his car he quickly pulled out a comb and combed his hair. When he finally arrived at his building, it was 9:44! His job starts at 9:45 and his boss is very strict about being late.13

When he entered his office space it was 9:47. He saw his boss come around the corner, and he hurried toward his office.14

"Hold on a second there Richard," he said. "Your five minutes late! And you know how strict I am about being late." "Yes Mr. Loddocks, I'm sorry sir... I just had a rough night." Richard stated clumsily. "Well don't let it happen again!"15

Richard walked into his office and sat his briefcase down with a sigh. He took of his coat and tossed it on the corner of his chair. He glanced at a mirror sitting next to his computer. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked worse that he thought. "Ugh... Lets see what exciting adventures I will set upon today as a Commercial Salesman today." He muttered sarcastically under his breath.16

Just as he booted up his computer, a tall, balding man walked into his office. "Hey Chad, how ya doin'?" Robert said. "Bored as hell, you?" "Well I'm not doin' to well myself. I didnt get any sleep last night." "Why not? Thinking about your brother again?" Mario's death had become very well known in Chicago, from the news and newspaper articles. "Yeah. I don't know why but i can't get my mind off him." "Oh. -yawns- Well you could try therapy?" Suggested Chad. "Nah. I dont believe in that crap." "Ah, I see. Well I came in here to see if you wanted any coffee. I'm makin' a trip to the coffee store."No thanks. I'm not in the mood." Replied Richard. "Okay suit yourself," he heard Chad mumble as he walked out.17

When Richard turned back to his computer, he saw that it was active, so he opened his email to check it.18

Inbox (100) 19

Huh. Thats weird. 100 messages? Must be unfiltered spam.20

He opened his inbox, and his jaw dropped.21

The messages were all from the same person, "Unknown Sender" and they all said the same thing. 22

23

"Are you missing Mario yet?" 24

 25

 26

 27

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • SageSyren Greeters member
    July 31, 2008
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    Wow!! What an ending. Really can't believe it. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
    Brooke
    co-head greeter


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    July 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Creepy ending! Talk about the spam from hell... *laughs* I think this is a very interesting start to a story. One thing to know is that you are supposed to start a new paragraph everytime a new person talks. So, for instance, paragraph 17 should be split into several paragraphs, one for each time the dialogue switches person. Otherwise, you've done a good job with this. Best of luck in the contest, and welcome to the site!


  • legnA-livE
    July 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    omg thatz......hmmm interestin.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    July 26, 2008

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    Good Start.

    This is an interesting place to start the story, the murder of his brother. As it was recent, I assume, it seems that his boss should be more understanding. The medical examiner should be able to approximate the time of death.

    Thanks for entering the New Member Contest. Welcome to Storywrite.

    Andy


    • jking4
      July 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the advise. Thats a good point too, i guess his boss would be a bit more understanding.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    July 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Great title


    Hi and welcome to SW and thank you for sharing this opening chapter of what appears to be an interesting mystery story .

    You are a talent young writer. This beginning tale of two brothers, one murdered and one suffering from remorse because he was unable to prevent it, will capture the imagination of most readers.

    The manner you use activity to emphasize dialogue and mix up your action scene with narratives is nicely done.

    Editing is always a requirement. Check your meaning of words. "Hold on a second there Richard," he said. "Your five minutes late! (When you use you’re as you are this is the way it is spelled you’re. The your you have here is a possessive noun meaning your gun or name or such.

    You do need to separate your paragraphs better. When writing dialogue; each speaker is allowed their own paragraph even for a single word. See below.

    Just as he booted up his computer, a tall, balding man walked into his office. "Hey Chad, how ya doin'?" Robert (this should be Richard) said.

    "Bored as hell, you?"

    "Well I'm not doin' to (too) well myself. I didnt (didn’t) get any sleep last night."

    "Why not? Thinking about your brother again?"

    Good luck in the contest.

    Geri

    • jking4
      July 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks alot!

      Not sarcastically of course. Thanks for the advice. I am a beginning writer, and I didn't know about the dialogue-paragraph seperation rule. I'm sure i learned it in L.A. sometime. =P. And about the "Robert" mistake. I was thinking about my other series, FoundationFrontier. Sorry about that. And this is my first contest entry. But still, thanks so much for the review!


  • huanxn
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    nice! i like how its building suspense. but yeah, i agree with julie. maybe more line breaks? over all its good though


  • x-VisionaryMinor-3
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    HOLY EFFINH SHIT

    SCARY

    but

    VERY GOOD

    i wanna know the reeeeeeeeessT!!!!

    criticism:
    its all clumped up together in paragraphes. maybe if you inserted line breaks in certain places, it'd build up the suspense more.

    OH

    and get on aim.

    anyway

    great story!


    • jking4
      July 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      Thanks for the suggestion guys!

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