Synopsis1
I wrote this story in a world where a vampire can be the boy with the dark, charming smile beckoning to you across the bar, or the thugs waiting in the parking lot outside the bar with their billy clubs. They are the scum of society, feeding on one innocent person after another. The police won’t handle them. The CIA and the FBI can’t touch them. And so they call in the Middlemen.2
The Middlemen are, essentially, the vampire slayers. This story centers around one of them in particular: Alina Madison. When Alina was six, vampires killed her parents before her eyes, and then left her for dead. She was found and brought to a place for Middlemen, called the Hostel, where she became best friends with a boy named Jared Beck.3
She is now seventeen years old, and a full-time Middleman (or Middlewoman, whatever). One night, a vampire bust goes horribly wrong, and she and Beck end up bringing a young vampire by the name of Gabriel Heartwood back to the Hostel. He and Alina don’t much care for eachother in the beginning, but then they get very, very close in a relationship that is almost frighteningly intense sometimes. Beck disapproves of the relationship, hating most vampires on principal and feeling very protective of Alina, because he secretly harbors feelings for her.4
I wrote this because I’ve always wanted to try my hand at writing a supernatural romance, and also, I quite enjoyed writing a lot of fight sequences. Even if this doesn’t win, thanks for reading, and if you ever want to see another chapter, just ask! 5
CHAPTER TEN: The Kiss of the Serpent's Tongue6
Rage had seldom gotten the better of Beck. He was usually the one with the level head in most situations, calculatedly soothing everyone into submission, human and vampire alike. But when he saw Gabriel leaning against the door of Professor Avery’s office, he lost it.7
“You son of a BITCH!” he shouted. His hand shot out and wrapped itself around Gabriel’s throat, fingers digging into the windpipe. Gabriel’s marble-black eyes widened in shock. A small gasp escaped his lips.8
Beck pinned him against the wall with his body, twisting his arms behind his back so he couldn’t struggle. “You killed her, didn’t you?” he hissed under his breath.9
Gabriel swallowed. Beck had pulled a total Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. His once-calm brown eyes were alight with fury, his breathing deep, ricocheting through his chest. As hard as his grip was on Gabriel’s neck, Gabriel could see his fingers tremble.10
“Beck…” he wheezed. “Let me…let me down.”11
“Answer me first!” Beck screamed.12
“I can explain. Just let me down. I can’t…can’t breathe…”13
Beck hesitated. His teeth were clamped down on his bottom lip, so hard a slender trail of blood was trickling down his chin. Strands of light brown hair hung in his dark eyes, giving him the look of a madman. But at last, he relinquished his hold.14
Gabriel took a few deep breaths, reaching up to massage his sore neck. “I didn’t turn her into one of…one of us,” he clarified. “I fed from her. I needed it.”15
“You’ve been using her, haven’t you? Just like you used Valencia, and Mischa…”16
“No, Beck! I swear, I haven’t!” Gabriel interrupted, holding his hands up in front of him plaintively. “She gave it to me…willingly. And I didn’t give her any blood in return. I can assure you, she’s still human.”17
Beck was shaking his head from side to side, slowly. He took a step back. “I don’t know if she gave you permission or not. All I can say is, you are one SICK sonofabitch.” And with that, he turned around and stalked down the hall.18
Gabriel leaned back, until his head bumped against the wall. He closed his eyes and let the pain in his throat and neck slowly subside. Brilliant, Gabriel. Now he really hates you. 19
* * *20
Alina felt as though she were on some kind of raft, the flimsy kind that rose and fell with the current of the ocean. She kept her eyes closed, and let her nose fill with the smell of seasalt, feel the warm gusts of air hit her body.21
She wondered, lazily, if Beck was there with her. She wanted to reach out for him, to feel his hand, something comforting. But when she stretched out, all she felt was the grainy, porous wood of the raft, and the occasional warm splash of seawater. 22
Slowly, she sat up and opened her eyes. And as her surroundings became clearer, she screamed.23
She wasn’t floating in an ocean. She was floating in a tide of BLOOD. 24
The smell of salt overpowered her abruptly, as though knowing its source suddenly made it a bad odor. 25
She opened her mouth. “BECK! BECK!” she screamed. “BECK! WHERE ARE YOU?”26
A soft knocking started up somewhere. Panting heavily, Alina bolted upright in bed, clutching at handfuls of rumpled sheet.27
“Alina?” someone called. She tried to smile. It was Beck.28
“Coming,” she croaked, standing up. On her way to the door, she glanced at herself in the mirror.29
It wasn’t too good. Her eyes were wide and glittering, her skin ice white, her hair plastered to the back of her neck with a mixture of sweat and tears. Self-consciously, she pulled the collar of her polo shirt up to cover the puncture wounds on the base of her neck before reaching for the doorknob. 30
Beck leaned against the doorframe, looking a little more disshelved than usual. His hair was mussed, his eyes a little glazed. Distantly, Alina wondered what had happened.31
“Hey,” he murmured. “Are you…okay?”32
She feigned a smile. “Yeah. I mean, why wouldn’t I be?”33
He gave her a how-dumb-do-you-think-I-am look. 34
The smile dropped off her face like a hot stone. “Beck, I had to. He was dying. Please try to understand…”35
He slid into her room and closed the door behind him. Once he heard the bolt click in place, he sighed, kneading his fingers into his temples. “Did he ask first?” he demanded calmly.36
“Well…I mean, I couldn’t…” she stalled.37
“Alina. Answer me.”38
“No.”39
He looked up, slowly, and laughed. It rang hollowly in both their ears. “Alina, what if you’d shared blood? You could be one of…one of him. One of them.”40
“But we didn’t, Beck. I mean, I’m sure we didn’t,” she blabbered. “Plus he needed it really badly. I mean, I couldn’t just let him die.”41
“Alina…” he blinked slowly, like a cat, and took one of her hands. “You told me you would never become one of them, remember?”42
“When…when you first found me? You still remember that?” she eyed him with disbelief.43
“Well, yeah. And I remember it for a reason. You had to watch them die, didn’t you, Al?” his grip on her hand tightened. “You had to watch while they tore your parents limb from limb.”44
“Beck, what are you…”45
“And then you had to watch their eyes as they saw the blood…spilling everywhere…” he continued. There was a look in his eyes she couldn’t place.46
“Beck, please stop,” she begged.47
He gave another fake laugh. “You saw how hungry they were, how…desperate. Didn’t you? It was disgusting, wasn’t it? Inhuman, even.”48
“Beck!” she shrieked. “Why are you saying this? What are you trying to prove?”49
Slowly, his hold on her fingers loosened. “What I’m trying to say is, you don’t want to be one of them.”50
“No, of course not.”51
“Good.” He pulled her close against him, wrapping his arms clumsily around her. She pressed her face into his warm chest and smiled. 52
“Thanks, though.”53
“For what?”54
“For caring.”55
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is only a little segment of the whole thing, so you might not understand it too well, but I hope you enjoyed it. Also, I hope you understood the bond between Alina and Beck versus the connection between her and Gabriel. If you read the whole story, you’d see that Alina considers her relationship with Beck to be a lot more platonic, and hers with Gabriel to be more romantic. 56
A contest entry
- Novels and Chaptered Works 2 by tallblondie.
1000 points, ended December 15, 2008, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Did you understand the story, just from this one little section?
Comments
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[1] Grammar, spelling and punctuation.
There were a few things I noticed in the chapter you provided that stuck out to me.
The one major thing I noticed was your use of the elipsis (...). Though a matter of style, the use of it still needs to conform with grammatical standards. Usually, when placed within a sentence there are two ways it is used. If the elipsis is meant to represent missing words, a space is inserted before and after the elipsis. If an elipsis is used to represent a significant pause or a dramatic 'trailing off' before speech is recommenced, a space is added after the elipsis use. For instance in para 37:
“Well… I mean, I couldn’t…” she stalled.
The elipsis is treated like any other type of punctuation within a sentence - always add a space after it.
Another thing I noticed was that, in para 19, you inserted a thought without cleraly showing that it was a thought. This is mostly achieved through the use of italics - just use html tagging before and after the section you wish to be italicised - this can be used by any level membership, so even if you are a free member you can include italics.
Though your sentence structure throughout the chapter was quite good, you did appear to have some trouble with the correct construction of complex sentences. These are sentences that are made up of a complete thought, plus incomplete thoughts (or sentence fragments). In some sentences you haven't complied with correct grammatical form. For instance, in para 30:
Her eyes were wide and glittering, her skin ice white, her hair plastered to the back of her neck with a mixture of sweat and tears. As this is a list of attributes, the last in the list should have an 'and' added after the last comma.
In para 31, you have a comma splice:
His hair was mussed, his eyes a little glazed.
The comma should be replaced with an 'and'.
Also incorrect dialogue tagging in para 43:
“When…when you first found me? You still remember that?” she eyed him with disbelief. The last half is a complete sentence, so 'she' should be capitalised.
I also noticed one spelling error in para 31:
'disshelved' - I think you may mean 'dishevelled'
[2] Word usage.
The word choice in your chapter advanced the story nicely - especially the judicious use of adjectives and adverbs in describing both the setting and the character's actions. Though not a fan of cliches, I will admit the reference to the 'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde' really solidified in my mind the actions of this character as being unusually out-of-character. Cliches do provide economy of words where it is important that the pacing needs to be faster around action-based scenes. However, it is often easy for writers to rely on common phrases to portray or describe a character - some of these being 'glittering eyes', 'glazed eyes' and the perenial favourite, the 'hollow laugh'. Try to find other original phrases that help set your story apart from the crowd.
[3] Style and continuity.
The conflict in this chapter provided most of the impetus for the plot. I did note that the pacing matched the action - which is a good way to keep your reader interested and entertained. Your characters came across as real and relatable - again a good way to keep the reader interested, especially since they can emphasise with the MCs.
[4] Story components.
Though I found I could relate with the characters, I found the setting and sequencing occasionally confusing. One thing that I needed to go back and read several times was your description of your female MC waking up. On one hand you have the reader believe that blood is everywhere, but when she gets to the door to speak to the male MC there is no expected shock (wouldn't she be covered with blood?). I also found your sensory description of the blood to be unusual. To me, blood isn't something that I would describe of as smelling 'salty' - and I couldn't understanding why she felt like she was moving. If she was dizzy, she would have perhaps stumbled as she rose from the bed, would she not?
[5] Literary value.
Overall, the chapter read well from beginning to end. The fast pacing at the start did draw my attention in, though you lost it nearer to the end. The premise is a fairly common one, so you need to have strong, original MCs, and setting to make this story stand out from the crowd.
Thank you for your entry in Novels and Chaptered Works 2.
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