Shining like the stars themselves1
The eyes of the predator searched2
Scanning the slightest movements3
Pausing on potential prey4
The eyes of the predator searched5
Glowing with the excitement of an attack6
Pausing on potential prey7
Flashing white and then to black8
Glowing with the excitement of an attack9
Scanning the slightest movements10
Flashing white and then to black11
Shining like the stars themselves
Author notes
I know I rhymes at the end but I didn't mean to sorry
A contest entry
- Obscure Poetry Forms 01: The Pantoum (points will go up) by intoothandclaw.
375 points, ended October 19, 2008, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I LOVE POETRY! by Sgs.
350 points, ended October 3, 2008, 118 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Not a problem.
I found this poem inspirational and very intruging. I found it a pleasure to read and the topic brilliant... please continue to inspire and create.
Blake ♣
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I like this! It is a very interesting topic and I love the form of the poem. The first and last lines being the same is very clever. Thanks for your entry!
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This one could stand a little bit of editing but it's definitely a good effort. When the eyes "pause on potential prey," I as a reader subconsciously expected the poem to turn to the actual hunt, but it leaves the prey behind and goes back to hunting mode immediately, which gives the poem kind of a disjointed feel. If that were corrected I wouldn't have much else to critique except minor stylistic things. Good work.
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