She Just Was So Tired

The day outside had turned to dusk and the only thing that could be seen in the Doctor's office is the light of his computer and the only thing that could be heard is the tap, tap, tapping of keys. He was looking up info on one of his patients. Roger McClaine was the name. He was known all over as the man who made the worst mistake. He was now a suicidal maniac...and, here's the killer, he doesn't even know. 1

Doctor Hawthorne found a link and looked at old newspaper cut-outs that would allow him to get to know this man more personally. For some reason, or another the doctor found Roger more interesting than many others. The other patients he had to deal with were teenagers with the "my parents just don't understand me," and the "I'm on the rocks with my boyfriend" sob stories. Of course, Doctor Hawthorne provided nothing less than his undivided attention, but at times he just wanted to fall asleep.2

It had grown late and Doctor Hawthorne noted the time before shutting down the computer in his office. It was late. His wife and children would be waiting for him. He stepped out of his seat and put on his coat, scarf, and hat, it was a rather cold night out tonight. He went on resting an open palm onto the door knob. It was only then that he heard a knock, knock, knocking on his door.3

His hand tensed for only a moment, but relaxed moments later. "I apologize, but I'm closing now," Doctor Hawthorne sighed.4

There was no answer or respond to what the doctor had said, only a knock, knock, knocking on the door. Doctor Hawthorne sighed and placed a hand onto his newly cut head. "We are closed, I apologize," Doctor Hawthorne apologized once again before opening the door.5

In front of him stood a teen. Her hair was black and messy. Her eyes were bright brown and she wore smudged eyeliner on her face. She that look was all BUT good on her. To top it all off she were a white gown that made her skin look pale, but not as pale as some teens that walked into his office. Unlike them, he was pretty sure this girl got some sun. She held her arms to her chest and Hawthorne could see the goosebumps that had emerged on her skin. "Um, Come in," Doctor Hawthorne said removing his hat and scarf, "I suppose I have thirty minutes to spare."6

The girl smiled. It was a nice smile. It was as though she wasn't one to smile much. Hawthorne knew this was a rare aspect he was witnessing. Her smile was contagious in a way that made him smile as well. She took light, barely audible steps inside and her stance was almost as if she were floating. She was a teen, of course, but Hawthorne couldn't help but to think, If I was younger. She sat upon the patients chair which was also known as a love seat. Hawthorne sunk into his own chair.7

"Doctor, if you haven't noticed by now, I need our help," The girl said in a light, shy voice.8

Hawthorne laced his fingers and nodded. "And what is your name? " Hawthorne asked.9

"Jordan. Jordan Kaylee," She answered, staring at her lap. 10

"Well, hello Jordan," Hawthorne said.11

"Hi."12

The conversation landed flat right there. There was no sound and no in appropriate sighs. There was only silence. Hawthorne noticed the girl fidgeting with her fingers. That movement often meant they were nervous and didn't know where to begin. "Aren't you supposed to, like, ask me questions or something?" Jordan asked.13

"Yes, I suppose I am," Hawthorne answered, "Let's begin with 'Why are you here?' Huh?"14

"I needed to talk to someone, doctor," Jordan said. Hawthorne hadn't expected an answer so quickly. To be honest, he was a bit flabbergasted. "Doctor," she hesitated, "have you ever felt as though...you were doing something right for the whole neighborhood, but it turns out you were wrong?"15

"Ah, now we're getting somewhere, is that why you're here?" Hawthorne asked.16

"Yes, I did something tonight that I felt was the right thing to do, but as soon as I awoke I knew it was the wrong thing to do."17

"And how do you know that?"18

"I'm still here."19

After the girl had spoken those words, the talking had slowed. Hawthorne removed his reading glasses from his face and leaned back in the brown leather chair. "What do you mean by that Ms. Kaylee?" Hawthorne asked.20

Jordan sighed. It was a fragile sigh that made the girl seem more broken than she looked at the door. "I-I committed suicide," Jordan said, voice cracking.21

Hawthorne took a look at the girls face and he could tell she wasn't proud of what she'd tried to do. "Why did you try to commit suicide?" Hawthorne asked and he was pretty sure he was going to hear a sob story.22

"Because I was tired," she began, "I was just so tired of being hated!"23

"You believe you are hated?"24

"I don't believe anything, doctor. I know. There is just one group of kids at school. They couldn't stand the sight of me."25

"You killed yourself over a group of kids?"26

Jordan turned on Hawthorne quickly. Her eyes were wide and tears were beginning. "Don't do that, doctor. Just don't. It seems stupid, but it's not! Well, at least it wasn't at the time." Jordan said, eyes retreating to her lap once again.27

"And you feel that it's stupid now?" Hawthorne said easily, trying not to cause a stir.28

"Is that all you do? Ask questions?!" Jordan snapped.29

Hawthorne raised a brow and smirked, unlacing his fingers and leaning back in his chair. "Well, as I recall. You asked me to ask questions just moments ago," Hawthorne said smugly.30

Jordan stayed silent. "No...doctor, I do not feel that it was stupid. I really don't. They all believed my life was so perfect. They hated me for the clothes I wore. Ambercrombie and Finch. It was like if you even slip into something with the word Ambercrombie on it, you're a bitch," Jordan said after moments of hesitation. She stood up and paced around the couch, moving her hands along with her words. "You're automatically Mrs. Perfect and automatically you make friends, but not good friends. Often friends with bad attitudes, but sometimes they weren't so bad."31

"May I interrupt you there?" Doctor Hawthorne asked. he took her silence as a yes. "Now, I am going to pull something from what you said. You said that people THINK that your life is perfect. Is it NOT perfect?"32

Jordan sighed heavily and stopped moving. She placed her arms at her side and flopped herself back onto the couch. She brought her legs to her chest and rested her chin on her knees. She must have forgotten she was wearing a silk slip. Doctor Hawthorne shunned the thought and looked only at the girl's face. "Who's life is ever perfect?" Jordan said. Her eyes looked distant when Hawthorne got a better look. It was as though she was asking herself and he was just there.33

"Very thought provoking, Jordan. Indeed no one's life is ever perfect, but what made yours imperfect?" Hawthorne asked.34

"Nothing, to be honest," Jordan said with a shrug, "My parents and me had a good relationship, despite a few spats and things. Of course, they didn't understand me. Everything was great, I mean, besides Walter's house."35

"Walter?"36

"My real father."37

Intrigued, the doctor leaned forward and placed his hands in somewhat of a praying position while he rested his elbows on his spread apart knees. "Okay, so your dad isn't your birth father, but you have a closer relationship with him than your real father," Hawthorne said.38

Jordan removed her legs from her chest and pressed her hands on the couch. "Why the hell are we talking about him. You're supposed to be helping ME figure out why I'm here! My feelings on Walter has nothing to do with this!" Jordan snapped.39

"Or do they, Jordan?" Hawthorne said, hoping to provoke thoughts from her.40

"If you're just going to ask about Walter I can just get up now."41

Hawthorne mentally noted her reaction to his thoughts on Walter. Her reaction said that there may be some sort of repressed memory of Walter. Or perhaps he was the reason for her attempt at suicide. In his line of work, though, he could not jump to conclusions. "Well, if you feel the need to leave, you may," Doctor Hawthorne said, leaning back in his chair. "No one's bounding you."42

A large sigh escaped her lips and she looked at her lap once again. Hawthorne could see the girl's tensity slipping from her. "I'm sorry doctor, It's just," Jordan began,"Do you believe in ghosts, doctor?"43

"Well in a sense...yes," Hawthorne said honestly, "Spirits more than ghosts. Why?"44

Jordan shrugged. "I dunno," Jordan said, "In the bible it says when a ghost doesn't know what their purpose in life is, they don't die."45

"What makes you bring this to the conversation?"46

"I dunno, because when woke I wondered if that was what happened to me. Until I realized that you saw me. I can't be a ghost. I can still feel things so I must be alive. I don't know why, but I just kept thinking that was the reason."47

"Let's go back for a minute shall we? I want you to tell me about your parents, Excluding Walter, okay?"48

Jordan nodded. "See, my mom is as great woman. She does absolutely anything in her power to make it obvious that she loves me, you know. She's cool, kind, loving and God knows how many times she's given me the sex talk. Of course I'd say things like 'GOD MOM' or 'JESUS!' but it just shows me how much she cares," Jordan said as though she was just realizing it as she spoke it.49

"And dad, oh, man, He's a character. See, he used to be in this rock band, right? So he often tried to remind everyone how cool he is by playing some really old song. Every once in a while he gets, like, real into it, you know. He get's so into it he's doing things like light headbanging and closing his eyes real tight," Jordan paused and laughed lightly, shaking her head, " Like, he's even gone so fare as to hit high notes."50

"And you feel that you're life was bad enough to making an attempt at suicide?"51

"Yeah, but you don't know. Being hated for what I wear and...Walter...it's just so hard."52

"What has Walter done," Doctor Hawthorne said warily, hoping not to press a nerve.53

"Walter is just...such scary man. He's unpredictable and, at times, bipolar."54

"What makes you think that?"55

"Because...well, when I go to visit him, he's either very lovable or piss drunk and pissed off."56

"So Walter is-"57

"Yes, a drunk."58

"When do you feel most comfortable around Walter?"59

Jordan fell silent. She dropped her head to her lap as though she hadn't known what she was going to say. "Never," she began before slowly looking up at Doctor Hawthorne, " I never feel comfortable."60

"Why's that?"61

"Because! Why-how the hell did we get back on him?! I don't want to talk about him!"62

Hawthorne caught this second reaction. At least he got more information on Walter and more information on Jordan. it wasn't just a hunch now that there is some sort of repressed memory, Doctor Hawthorne now knew there was something. He raised his hands in retreat. "Alright, I understand, Jordan," Hawthorne cooed, "Let's talk about something else. What do you want to talk about Jordan?"63

"I don't know, you're the psychologist," Jordan said with a shrug.64

Doctor Hawthorne chuckled. "That is true," he confessed, "Let's talk about your friends."65

"I've got this group of friends that are all very cool. Then there's the majority of the school in black or overly bright colors that dye their hair everyday...but the strange thing is, they're all trying to be different. The all hate us...for no reason. A lot of the time we're minding our own business," Jordan said.66

"Seems you have a lot to say about that group that supposedly hates you," Hawthorne commented.67

"Supposedly nothing, doctor, they hate us. Anyone can hear them mumbling about how 'preppy' we are and how 'bitchy' we are," Jordan said, voice grim and hurt all the same, "They won't even give us an inch. I know what they're whispering about me. I'm a slut with a perfect life."68

"Why do they say such things?"69

"Because...well...In a way I am." Jordan said, covering her arms.70

"Why would you say such a thing?" Hawthorne wasn't just thinking for his benefit, but because he really wanted to know.71

"Well...it's usually only after I leave Walter's house," She studdered, letting her messy hair fall over his smudged eyeliner eyes.72

"When you leave Walter's house...you-"73

"Yes, I screw my current boyfriend. I just...want to feel loved when I leave there."74

"So, you're not loved when you go there?"75

"No..."76

"But before you said that Walter could be loving at times."77

"What I meant was...too loving."78

"Does he molest you?"79

"That...and more."80

"Have you told anyone about this?"81

"No...Doctor...I'm scared."82

Hawthorne had dealt with this before...but he never heard of it driving a girl to attempt suicide. Yes, he has, but the extremity still shocks him. To do that to such a young girl...it makes his shudder. She looked at her lap and sniffs. That is a sign that the poor girl was starting to cry. "So you can see why I...just want to be loved when I leave there. I don't want to be forced than told to clean myself up. I-I want to be held," she said, voice cracking with each word.83

Hawthorne resisted the urge to hug the girl. He cleared his throat. "I, um, understand," Hawthorne said.84

"It just...it doesn't help that I will be going back home where I'm hated for no reason. I'm so confused when it comes to that. I've never stole anyone's boyfriend. I've done nothing to deserve such hate. Everyone would be better if I was gone! So why doctor...WHY AM I STILL HERE?" Jordan cried.85

Doctor Hawthorne looked at the table separating him and Jordan. On that glass table was a box of Kleenex. He moved them towards her. She took one, then another, and another. He watched her, wishing he could do something. She still looked at her lap with a Kleenex in her hand. "Do...do you know why I decided to commit suicide on this day instead of any other day, doctor?" Jordan asked, voice filled with an eerie sort of calm.86

"Tell me," Doctor Hawthorne persuaded.87

"For as long as I can remember, my uncle was the only one I could trust with the secret of Walter. He was...the only one that understood me. He took care of me when I went over his house. He gave me food and listened to everything I said. It was my third and last day over my dad's house...at least until next weekend. I thought I would be able to go home, get laid by my boyfriend forget. And...be loved.88

"That wasn't the case sadly. I would never...forget that night. I came home from my uncle's house and Walter was in his love mode. I was ready to run and fight, though it would do nothing. I remember he said...he said 'Hey, baby, how was your day.' I remember ignoring him and walking to my room. I slammed the door shut and locked it. 'DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!' I remember him screaming. 'We've got some unfinished business KID'89

"I remember sulking in a corner of my room and crying. It lasted for what seemed like...hours. I remember grabbing my phone and calling my uncle. Asking him to come and save me from my dad. He came after a long while. I remember hearing his voice behind the door after hours and I remember hearing him tell my dad to go away. I let him in after I was certain my dad was gone. To my surprise my uncle grabbed my wrists and pushed me towards my bed. 'NOW!' I remember him calling like...like it was some sort of cue," Jordan broke there and began to cry harder than she was already.90

Hawthorne could fill in the blank. "And from there..." Hawthorne began.91

"From there...my wrists were tied to the bed while the took turns. It seemed like it lasted for hours. I ran out of tears. I remember just laying there on my side while they laughed and said this was all my mom's fault. My uncle said if it weren't for her... Walter wouldn't be a drunk. 'If you feel like you should tell, remember you'll just be coming over next weekend' that warning was almost the only thing I could hear. The next day...mom came and I didn't even look back. I was...so tired. I remember retreating to my room right after that, knowing I would have to go to school tomorrow.92

"I lost sleep that night. Then the next until school came. I was...so tired, though. I heard what they were saying. They were doing as they always did, but it didn't work, not today. I was...just so tired. I remember going home that night. I was so tired, doctor. I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to sleep and forget. I wanted a deep, dark, empty sleep. I just wanted to stop being tired...I had to find something to take me out. Mom had some sleeping pills and muscle relaxers.93

"I took a handful of them bother and crawled into bed. I just wanted to sleep, doctor. I just wanted to sleep, but I awoke the next day," Jordan cried.94

Doctor Hawthorne was shocked. How...how did this poor girl live through such a thing? How did she live after those pills? "Tell me why I'm here doctor, please. I know that without me...the world would be so much better. Why am I alive?" Jordan cried in desperation.95

"Jordan, From what I've heard, I think the reason you're still here is because you haven't figured out your cause is to be here. Maybe you just don't know. What I believe, though, is that your reason for being here is because you need to show people that what you wear doesn't take you. Nothing is ever what it seems and maybe you just need to put Walter in jail. There are many unsolved things that you can solve. Things that you and you alone can solve," Hawthorne said, feeling rather confident.96

Jordan looked at him and for a moment he could see rest in her eyes. She was so tired, and maybe he helped her find peace. "Is our time up, doctor?" Jordan said.97

Hawthorne smirked. "You seem disappointed," he said, "Yes, I'm afraid so Ms. Kaylee."98

Jordan nodded and smiled. This time her smile was even brighter, and he just knew she would be smiling again...soon. He stood up and walked her to the door. He opened the door for her and watched her walk down the dark hall. She turned to face the doctor once more and smiled again. "Thank you...so much doctor," She said before continuing her stagger down the hall. The darkness enveloped her in no time and he heard a door shut. For a moment, he almost forgot that was was closing down.99

***100

The next morning, Doctor Hawthorne awoke. He took a nice, long shower and dried off. He replaced his nakedness with boxers and headed outside. He opened his door and grabbed the paper placed neatly on his steps. He walked back into the kitchen and made himself some coffee to go with his paper. Once finished, he took a seat and opened the paper. The first page's header read: JORDAN KAYLEE FOUND DEAD IN HER BED.101

Doctor Hawthorne's heart seemed to skip a beat. For a moment, he couldn't breathe. He skimmed over the words and those that jumped out at him were the words "last night around 10:30pm" the time he closed down his building and the word "suicide." He couldn't believe what he was reading. "Wh-at?" he whispered, then he remembered:102

"'Do you believe in ghosts, doctor?'"103

'Well in a sense...yes. Spirits more than ghosts. Why?'104

'In the bible it says when a ghost doesn't know what their purpose in life is, they don't die.'"105

"'WHY AM I STILL HERE?!'"106

"'Thank you...so much doctor.'"107

His coffee mug dropped from his hands and broke into pieces. 108

"'I was...just so tired.'"