Remembering

Angel had another one of her nightmares again last night. She is starting to remember things that she blocked out due to it being so painful. This one was about the time he was beating her, kicking her, and blaming her for their money problems. He was drunk again. She remembers how he was kicking, punching her and pulling her by the hair back to where he had more room. She remembers falling down the stairs from his last punch. She remembers him coming down the stairs to continue to kick and beat her. She woke up at that point, jumping out of bed, so not to wake her new husband. 1

Angel sits at the computer remembering her past with Randy. She hated her life. She hated her family for not being there for her. She had no friends. She hated him. It was his entire fault. Then Angel told herself, “No it is your entire fault.” Angel then hit herself in the head saying, “Your life is better now. Forgive him, forgive all your past sins and move on with your life. You are happy now. You got married again. This time to the man of your dreams.  He is your hero, your lover, your best friend, and your husband. Your children are talking to you. You have your family back and you have friends. Let it go.” Angel thinks on about all she has now. However, as she sits there, Angel starts to remember about her past life with him. How she ended up where she is now. 2

They met through a friend. Fell in love, got married, and had two children. Angel remembers the hate in his eyes every time he beat her up. She remembers all the revenge in his eyes when he physically raped her. She remembers him laughing at her every time he was drunk or stoned. Angel remembers it all. Angel often asks herself “What if I didn't’t go out with him on that first date? Would things be different now?”  Then she thinks of her two beautiful children and says to herself.  “If I didn't’t meet him, I wouldn't’t have my children today.” 3

Angel wants to call her family, but remembers, they left her a long time ago. Then Angel decides to call a friend, but then remembers she has none. She wants to call her children and tell them how much she loves them and misses them. Then Angel remembers that they told her they did not want anything to do with her because she hurt their father so much. Angel starts to cry again. Angel is feeling lonely and depressed. Angel thinks of a way to end her life. Cutting, swallowing pills, or run out in front of a big vehicle.  However, Angel does not have enough strength to go through with it. Angel also feels that things will change; she just has to have patience.  4

As Angel’s life moved on, things did not change. Her husband still violently raped and beat her when he was drunk or stoned. Her children hated her. She still has no friends. In addition, her family still would not have anything to do with her. She tried counseling several times, but that did not work. No body would listen to her. Angel again had thoughts of ending her life. She tried to think of ways to do it. She ended up giving up on the idea, again due to her not having the strength or will power to go through with it. Angel started to starve herself. She started getting sick. People started to notice Angel. They started to talk to her. They were feeling sorry for her. However, Angel got angry because she did not want them to feel sorry for her; she wanted them to help her. Nobody helped her; they just continued to feel sorry or pity for her. Angel continued to starve herself, and then started withdrawing from the whole world including her children and husband. Angel became his “sex toy”. She started giving into everyone’s demands. She kept herself away from her children as she felt like a worthless mother. She gave up on everything and everyone. Angel became a zombie in the world she knew around her. 5

Angel decided after a long time of being everyone’s “little toy”, that she would not go on like this anymore. She went upstairs to the bathroom, grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills and swallowed them all without hesitation. She later woke up in the hospital. She screams out “why can’t you just let me die? I hate my life, I hate him, I hate my family, and I miss my children. They took them away: saying I was crazy: that I would hurt them. They told me I was incapable of being a good mother. They all told me that I did not deserve to live or have a happy life. Why can’t you just let me die?”  Angel stops for a moment and then asked, “How did I get here? Who brought me in?”  The nurse looked at Angel then told her, “Your sister brought you in. Don’t you remember?” Angel looked around but did not see anyone. Angel told the nurse “My family doesn't’t have anything to do with me. They closed the door on me a long time ago because I would not talk to them.” The nurse told Angel that her sister brought her in, but then left before they could get any information. Angel started to cry feeling alone and depressed again.6

A doctor had come into the room with two other doctors. He told her that he wanted to admit her into the psychiatric ward for a while to monitor as they felt she will hurt herself again. Angel told the doctors that she did not care what happened to her. All she wanted was to feel loved, wanted, cared for, and needed. The doctors had Angel sign some papers then walked her up to her new room.  As Angel was walking through the hallway, she noticed lots of other people in there. Some were talking to themselves, some had bandages on both of their wrists, and others were just starring out into space. Angel asked the doctor “do you think I am crazy? Is that why you are putting in me in this place?” The doctor looked at Angel as said, “I am placing you here for two reasons 1) so you don’t hurt yourself again and 2) to protect you from further beatings.” 7

Angel looked at the doctor confused. She asked him “how did you know about that? I haven’t told anyone because they all think I am crazy, worthless, incapable of taking care of my children, and just an ugly person.” The doctor looked at Angel as said, “When your sister dropped you off, she came upstairs to talk to our department. She stated that she was worried about you, and stated that she was worried about what your husband would do next. She also stated that you were a good person, but because you wouldn't’t tell anyone what was happening, they all made judgment on you without knowing all the facts.” Angel started to cry. She told the doctor that all she ever wanted was for everyone to know the truth, but was scared because she felt her husband would kill her the next time he beat her if they all found out the truth. The doctor looked at Angel and told her she would be safe here, but she had to promise that she would not do anything to harm herself again. Angel told the doctor that she would not do this again, but all she wanted was to be free of all the pain and horror that she had been going through.  The doctor gave Angel a hug and told her to relax. She was safe, and they were going to help her.8

Angel spent the next 3 months or so in the hospital, getting her life back in order.9

She still had not talked to her children, but decided that until she was stable, she would not tell them. Angel was fearful that they would hate him and everyone else if they new the truth. Angel decided that she would tell her family the truth about what was going on, and why she had acted the way, she did with them.  Angel was released from the hospital a week later. The hospital staff had introduced Angel to a group called “Victims Beyond Abuse”, and explained to Angel that they would help her find a new place to live and that they had supports there for her if she needed them. Angel was feeling like her life had finally started to move in the right direction. She called the group and set up an appointment for the next day. Angel then called her mother to say that she wanted to come by for a visit to talk. To Angel’s surprise, her mother was crying with joy on the phone and said that she could not wait to see her daughter. Angel left the hospital, to go to her new “home”. 10

That afternoon, Angel went to visit with her mother. To Angel’s surprise, her mother hugged her and started crying saying, “I finally have my daughter back. She has come home.”  Angel and her mother sat down, and then Angel explained everything that had happened to her over the last several years. Angel continued to explain that she did not tell anyone because she thought her husband would kill her if he new. Angel’s mother cried the whole time Angel explained her life. Angel then asked her mother for forgiveness. Her mother looked at Angel and said, “You are my daughter. I love you. Why did you not trust your family to protect you? We are here now. He will not hurt you anymore. We will protect you” Angel spent the remainder of the day visiting with her mother.  After, Angel decided to visit with friends that she had not talked to since she was married. To Angel’s surprise, they too welcomed her warmly with open arms after hearing about why she lost contact with them after being married. 11

Angel was starting to feel like a real human being again. She had friends again” she had her family back. In addition, she felt good about herself again. Angel spent the next year getting to know her family, friends and herself. Then Angel decided it was time for her to start enjoying life again to the fullest. She was a new person. She was happy about her life. Angel started dating again. Going out with her friends: spending time with her friends: and trying to start a relationship with her children again.  Angel was feeling good about herself and her life. She was happy again. Angel started a new job.  She was good at her job.  Everyone loved her for being herself. Angel continued to date and spend time with her family and friends.12

One day, Angel walks into work, and sees Alex. He is the most beautiful man she has ever seen. She wants him, but knows he is younger than she by 8 years, so gives up on the idea.  She works with him for about 3 months, and one day when they were leaving; Alex asked her out for coffee. She agrees, but was thinking this was a friendly gesture on his part because she was too old for him.  They spent over 3 hours at the coffee shop talking about anything and everything. Angel was falling in love with him, but again, told herself that she cannot because he is much younger than she is.  When they were leaving, Alex kissed her. She knew she was in love then. They continued to see each other for the next 6 months. However, Angel did not feel comfortable with the age, and tried to break it off. Alex does not give in that easily. He pushes for the relationship. Angel finally tells Alex why she is trying to destroy the relationship. He laughs at her. He tells Angel that he loves her, and age means nothing to him when it comes to love. 3 months later, he proposed to Angel. She accepted with joy. 1 year later, they are married. 13

Angel and Alex had many difficulties to get through during their marriage. They had to overcome the fact that they could not have any children. They tried surgery, but that did not work. They had to overcome major financial problems. They had to deal with the fact that Angel had two children from her prior marriage. Alex had to deal with all the personal fears and nightmares Angel always had due to her past marriage.  Alex had to deal with her baggage of abuse and terrors from her prior life. Alex had to learn to be patient with her now trusting openly. Alex accepted Angel without judgment. He loves her children, even though they are not his.  Alex was Angel’s savior. She loves him for who he is. He loves her for who she is, not who she was, or things she did in her past. Angel cannot believe how lucky she is. She remembers her life before him, and has to ask, “How did I get so lucky. I found someone who doesn't’t hurt me: doesn't’t judge me: who listens to me: and who just wants to be with me because he truly loves me.” 14

This morning Angel woke suddenly. She jumped out of bed, so she would not wake up Alex, but it was too late. She went into the computer room to have a smoke and cry over the nightmare she just had. Alex walks into the room, looks at Angel with a tear in his eye. He walks over and holds her telling her she is safe now. That he loves her: and will never let anything or anyone hurt her again. She cries in his arms. She tells him about her nightmare. He has tears in his eyes and then says to Angel “I can’t take those nightmares away, but I can give you knew ones that will make you smile.” Alex holds Angel, and then walks her back to bed. Alex made passionate love to Angel, after they were done making love, but were still in each other’s arms; Alex turned to Angel and said, “I love you with all my heart and soul. I will always be here for you when you need me or want me; we have just made wonderful love together. I want this to be your next dream. It will make you smile, not cry.”   Angel cuddled to him and fell back asleep peacefully knowing that she is loved. Angel had wonderful dreams after that. 15