Falling Angels Chapter 1: An angel?!1
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Saku loved walking to school. It allowed him time to have a little freedom before being locked up in The Hole of Horror as he and his friends called it. He was headed to Apple Creek High where he would spend eight boring hours Saku was a black-haired, blue-eyed, 15 year old with a slim frame. He wore a black school uniform. Saku was a happy person by nature and was rarely ever seen without his trademark grin even in school. A rurmor had gone around school that Saku had ADDHD and was taking Ritalin which explained his calm composure. Saku knew about the rurmor, but ignored it.3
He was halfway to school when he saw a sparkling clear blue light in the sky. What's that? Saku wondered. He jogged over where it had crash-landed in an alley. Leaning against the red brick wall of the buliding was beautiful girl his age with brown hair and she wore a blue dress. Saku couldn't tell her eye color because her eyes were closed as if she were sleeping. She didn't look hurt. Where'd the blue light go? It couldn't have been her, could it? Saku touched her shoulder and shook it gently. "Are you ok?"4
The girl opened her clear blue eyes slowly. "Where am I?" She sat up.5
Tokoyo, Japan," Saku said. "My name is Saku. Who are you?"6
"I'm Melody. Nice to meet you, Saku." Melody smiled.7
Saku asked, "Did you see a blue light fall around here?"8
"Yea, that was me. I'm an angel." Melody replied.9
Saku stared at her. "Wow,"10
Melody explained, "I was sent back to earth to find and capture my enemy, Zorick. He's a rouge angel."11
Saku kept staring at Melody. I think I'm in love. The clocktower at the center of the city rang. "Oh man, I'm gonna be late! See ya, Melody!" Saku ran off.12
"Why did he run off? I could've just teleported him to school." Melody said, standing up.13
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Author's note: I hope you like this! I got the idea from a youtube video about angels. On it was the song Even in death by Evanescence. The song's lyrics make more sense in later chapters. Please leave a comment!15
In a list
A contest entry
- Under Read Stories by Mrs Dean Winchester.
100 points, ended October 9, 2008, 56 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Any thing I can improve on?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Thanks for entering this in my contest. Sorry it took so long to comment on this. There are a lot of entries in the contest and I've been busy.
Well, this isn't exactly my type of thing but I enjoyed reading it. I didn't really find any mistakes in it so that's good. I see what your talking about on the Evanescence song. I love that song. Anyways, good job and take care! -
hehe, this is really good, I like it, nice job, although i noticed in paragraph 9, you wrote,
'"Yea, that was me. I'm an angel." Melody replied.'
the first word, 'yea' is splet wrong, you forrgot the 'h', it should be 'yeah'.
But that was the only mistake I noticed, great job, good story, it opens things up for more chapters, I like, keep writing!! But I also have to agree with ProneDust, this does move very quickly.
=DD -
It was kinda cool and weird and the same time. Maybe its because all of this were happening to fast. Its like saku saw angel, a few seconds later he was in love, then the angel told her what she came here for, and saku just walked away lol. Anyway I still think its pretty interesting, so keep writing!
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That was cool. I like stories about Angels, I've written a few myself.
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Thankies! Chapter 3 will be up in a few days so plz enjoy the other chapters too. I'll comment on your stories when I get the chance!
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Honestly this wasn't my kinda thing but then I am not a tenn and really not into teen drama. You have a pretty good start but you need to add something that will capture the imagination.
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Hm. This was interesting, but it needs more added to it. There was no real hook- Saku was walking to school doesn't catch my attention. You want the readers to read and be interested.
Also, what did Saku think of this girl? How did he feel about her? What affect did her presence have on her? In every story, emotion is key. A story lacking strong emotion is often dry and boring.
You need to describe things better. Instead of saying she had brown hair and a blue dress, you could rephrase it so it sounded better. Long brown hair cascaded down to the waistline of her simple blue dress. Describe things in an interesting way.
This was good, but try editing it.
One more thing: Try to have a good mix of dialouge and description.
Keep writing! -
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k thanks for the tips. Plz comment on chapter 2 as well. Thanks!
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OMG! i luvd it keep up da good work otay
luv sky xoxoxo
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YAY! I'm glad you like it! I have Writer's block!!!! T_T
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Lol, amusing little story. But I think that Melody should have to prove to Saku she's an angel. He can't believe her so easy, ya know?
Interesting plot here. Want to see how this goes.
-HT -
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He's very trusting so he does plus in chapter 2, Melody shows him her wings.
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Interesting idea - I'd be curious to see where you go with this. Good concept and fairly well written.
Keep writing and welcome to Storywrite!
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Thankies! I LOVE to write!
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