Tuesday at 2:00p.m. on August 20, 19851
Jamie lay in her bed fast asleep as Chloe burst through the bedroom door at a brisk pace. The blankets and the sheet scattered on the bed. The three of the pillows lay across the room. A lone pillow covered her head.2
Chloe stopped herself, in the past she dealt with her friend’s nigh terrors. “Jamie, wake up.” She waited with no response. “Jamie!” Chloe screamed.3
Jamie sat up and threw the pillow across the room as Chloe ducked. She opened her eyes and grasped for air. “I’m at the Foundation,” she whispered as she fell on the bed.4
Chloe raced to her, grabbed her hand, and yanked Jamie up. “Thomas has double crossed you. They are having a meeting in forty-five minutes!”5
“I’m a wake! But a bit slow. So take a deep breath and tell me again.” Jamie brushed back her hair.6
“Thomas has double crossed you! He has told the commission that your plan can’t work. He has his own plan and the money to back it.”7
“Is that all?” Jamie asked as she stretched her arms.8
Chloe’s eyes widen as she smiled. “You knew?”9
Jamie passed her and headed for the walk-in closet. She looked through her business outfits. Chloe entered. She leaned against the doorframe and Chloe folded her arms across her chest.10
“I thought that you cared about this aid package?”11
Jamie yawned and covered her mouth with her hand. “I do. If people want to play politics with people’s lives then I am out.”12
“You are going to let him walk over you?”13
Jamie’s hands pushed the hangers down. She chose a red blouse. “What do you think?”14
“Good start. What about my question?”15
Jamie handed her the blouse. “How long have you known me?” She paused. “Could you put together an outfit for me, I need to prepare myself, because I’m going to roar.”16
“Heads are going too roll and I’ve the outfit for you.”17
Jamie opened the linen closet and pulled out some blue towels. “They are.”18
Both of the women started to laugh.19
2:30p.m.20
Jamie walked out of the elevator. She wore a red silk blouse with chocolate brown pantsuit and brown high heel shoes too. Her hand gripped the handled of the black leather briefcase. On her jacket’s lappet was a golden pin of the chess piece of the knight. She stopped and looked at her watch. Then she continued walking to the conference room eighteen as the hallway was turning red. 21
She stopped again and looked for Thomas’ bodyguards in the hallway. She placed her hand on the door handle. The door opened as a huge hand grabbed her arm and yanked her into the room; she dropped her briefcase. Jamie stumbled over to the table. She fell into the leather chairs. 22
“It’s a small world after all, don’t you think, Jamie?” 23
The other end of the table, sat a beautiful woman with her legs on the table. Her short red hair shined in the afternoon light. Red alligator boots with dark gray jeans, a tight black blouse and a burgundy leather jacket as was dressed in. A tan briefcase laid by her legs.24
Jamie stood up and looked at her. “What do you want?”25
The woman rose from the chair and walked over to the maps of Africa. “Just to see why you would be so invested in this country?”26
“Is that all?” Jamie paused to glance over her shoulder. “You could have just called?”27
The woman sat on the table and studied the maps. “I’ve one guard in here and more in the building.” She turned around on the table to face Jamie. Then she lay down on the table. “I’m hoping to see Mr. Knight again.” She turned on her stomach. “He was so fun to play with.”28
Jamie stood there. “Get to the point, Claw!”29
Claw sat up and placed her hands on her face. “Bill, I’ve struck a nerve.” She clapped her hands together.30
Jamie turned her head. A huge man built like a wrestler with his huge arms folded across his chest and stared at her. Claw reached for her briefcase and opened it. She reached for the syringe, holding it in the light as Bill laughed.31
“Is this the part where I scream?” Jamie asked.32
“Tigress, I’m guessing that you’re not at full strength and stressed out. With the kidnapping and the rescue of your sister and other life stresses you’re not yourself.” Claw jumped off the table.33
Bill put his hands on Jamie’s arms. She slammed her head into his as he stumbled backwards taking her with him. Again, she slammed her head into his. She kicked his knees until he released her; she grabbed his wrist and twisted it back. He screamed as Claw was running towards her. Jamie pushed him into Claw. She opened the doors. Jamie took off her high heels and then pushed her pin, and ran to the stairs.34
2:40p.m.35
Michael was in KITT and on the way to meet Jamie at the meeting. Devon’s image was on the monitor as KITT drove himself to the location.36
“Devon, why did you let her go there by herself?”37
Devon sat down in his chair as Michael watched on the screen. “Thomas security is adequate and I trust Jamie’s judgment and yours.”38
“You know that Claw is after her.” Michael looked at the screen.39
“And I also know how important this aid package is too. Before she left, I gave her the FLAG’s pin, so if she has any problems, it would contact KITT.”40
Michael shook his head. “I still don’t like this.”41
“I am sure that you will give Jamie a piece of your mind.” Devon smiled.42
“Devon, Michael, I’m picking up the pin,” KITT said.43
“Where’s it coming from?” Michael asked.44
“From the conference center,” KITT replied.45
Michael pushed the buttons with his right thumb on the top control panel above him. “Devon, she’s in trouble!”46
“Bring her back and be careful too,” Devon said, as his image was fading from the screen.47
“KITT, give me all the power I can get!” 48
He pressed on the gas pedal as KITT was weaving in and out of traffic. 49
3:00p.m.50
Jamie was in the stairwell and carrying her shoes in her hand as she raced down the stairs. Her ears heard a door opening below her. Jamie peeked over the side. Two men entered and dressed in jeans and jackets.51
“Claw said that she took the stairwell,” the man said.52
She dashed up the stairs and found a door. She pressed down on the handled as it open. Jamie closed it quietly, ran down the hallway and trying to find an unlocked door. Another hallway appeared as she hurried. A sign said, East stairwell. She pulled the handled and went through the door. A steel bar door on the stairs going down was blocking her path.53
“Just my luck,” she whispered.54
She turned around and ran up the stairs. She looked through the window to the lock door.55
“This side of the building is being remodeled, wonderful,” she said as she took the next fight of stairs to the next level.56
The door was unlocked; she opened it and closed it quietly. There was a map and said you are here. “Good, my luck is changing. I’m seven floors from the main center halls,” she said.57
Jamie walked down the hallway and moved the plastic sheets that hung from the ceiling. Tools, supplies, and trash crammed in the hallway as she watched her step. The sunlight filled the dim hallway; she followed the light and hoped it led to her freedom.58
Boom! She turned her head.59
“Nice going! If she’s here, she has heard us!”60
Jamie leaped over a huge pile of sheet rock. She checked the doors, but all locked. She ran down into the next section. Long fingers emerged out of the darkness. A hand covered her mouth, another arm wrapped around her arms and Jamie dragged into the shadows.61
In a list
If you find any nits in this chapter, please give me examples so I can understand what you are trying to tell me, Thank you
Comments
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Your characters maintain their personalities
Nice active chapter
.
Your characters maintain their personalities
so it is getting easier for the reader to keep them in their roles; even if they have never seen the TV series.
You have an interesting plot, and a brisk but not rushed style of writing.
I did find a few things for you to look at:
Jamie lay in her bed fast asleep as Chloe burst through the bedroom door at a brisk pace. The blankets and the sheet scattered on the bed. The three of the pillows lay across the room. A lone pillow covered her head.2 (There’s something missing perhaps surprise or alarm. You might try switching it around like this, Chloe burst through the bedroom door. Blankets and sheets were strewn on the bed, three of the pillows were scattered on the floor of the room. A lone pillow covered her (Jamie’s) head as she lay fast asleep in bed.2)
Jamie yawned and covered her mouth with her hand. “I do. If people want to play politics with (other) people’s lives then I am out.”12
. She wore a red silk blouse with chocolate brown pantsuit and brown high heel shoes too. (don’t need that too.)
On her jacket’s lappet (lapel) was a golden pin of the chess piece of the knight.
The other end of the table, sat a beautiful woman with her legs (feet) on the table. Her short red hair shined (shone) in the afternoon light. Red alligator boots with dark gray jeans, a tight black blouse and a burgundy leather jacket as was dressed in. (not clear-- Red alligator boots with dark gray jeans, a tight black blouse and a burgundy leather jacket was how she was dressed. Or She was dressed in red alligator boots with dark gray jeans, a tight black blouse and a burgundy leather jacket.) A tan briefcase laid by her legs.24
The woman rose from the chair and walked over to the maps of Africa. “Just to see why you would be so invested (interested) in this country?”26
Jamie turned her head. A huge man built like a wrestler with his huge arms folded across his chest and( remove and) stared at her.
Claw reached for her briefcase and opened it. She reached for the syringe, holding it in the light as Bill laughed.31
Jamie took (kicked) off her high heels and then pushed her pin, and ran to the stairs.34
Michael was in KITT and on the way to meet Jamie at the meeting. Devon’s image was on the monitor as KITT drove himself to the location.36(need a connecting sentence between these two( Devon’s image was on the monitor as KITT drove himself to the location. He confronted Devon.)
“Devon, why did you let her go there by herself?”37
Two men entered and (remove and) dressed in jeans and jackets.51
Jamie closed it quietly, ran down the hallway and (remove and) trying to find an unlocked door.
The door was unlocked; she opened it and closed it quietly (behind her.).
She checked the doors, but all (were) locked.
Jamie dragged into the shadows.61 (Great hook.)
Geri
. Rewarded 8
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