Riding on the Backs of Seahorses

Jabe wasn't like other fairies. 1

No, he didn't like to fly. Above all else he wanted to see what was under the blue surface of the lake near the flower bed.2

He had seen the gigantic fish jump high out of the water and slide back in with a small splash. He saw the insects who could not only walk on water but also swim through it.3

He could see the reflections of the colorful coral beneath the shiny surface, and wanted nothing more than to explore their crevasses. 4

One day he sat watching the wonders he could never experience when he heard the giggling sounds of elves not far up the bank. Elves were peculiar creatures who normally kept to themselves except when playing pranks on others. He feared he was at the blunt end of this one.5

He looked carefully over to the group of six rugged elves. The tallest of whom barely cleared the shortest stalk of grass. "Fairy," called one to him, his squeaky voice barely audible above the sound of the water. "Why do you not fly like your brothers spreading your infernal pixie dust all over the place?"6

Jabe ignored the strange little creature and continued his observance of the blue green substance before him. "Hey you little man, didn't you hear me?" the elf cried again. Perhaps the elf knew that his relative smallness to the elves was always something that had bothered him.7

Even though the insult hurt, Jabe decided it would be best to turn his back on the annoying larger creature. He fluttered his wings enough for him to lift off the rock that he was sitting on and turned around never coming out of his sitting position. 8

"His wings do work!" another of the screeching voices said amazed. 9

"Would he not make a beautiful kite?" a female asked quietly. 10

"If you want a kite, then use a leaf. I have a better use for him, come on." The first elf after saying this fell silent and scuttered away. Jabe hoped they would not return.11

He sat pondering the ripples of the water when suddenly they were disturbed and he found himself drenched in water. He was hit by two more waves from different sides. Confused and unable to see from the water in his eyes he tried to flutter up out of the way, but his wings were to wet to lift him. Before he could flap them fast enough to dry he was hit by another wave.12

By now he knew what was causing the waves. He could hear the elves giggle all around him. He didn't like the fact that he was surrounded. Suddenly before he could spread his wings again he was grabbed in a big bear hug. He heard the first elf's voice in his ear. "Got you, we've got you little fairy man!" He heard cheers from all the elves. However, when his sight finally cleared, he saw that one elf was not enjoying their prank.13

"You have to grant us a wish now!" One of the small females jumped up and down excitedly. 14

"Me first," was cried by several of the others.15

"No," the one who held Jabe said with authority. "I caught him so I get the first wish."16

Jabe sighed. He didn't like giving wishes under these conditions but that was the way of things, he had no choice once he had been caught.17

"I wish..." The large elf seemed to hesitate as if he didn't know what he wanted. Jabe knew what he wanted, he knew what all elves wanted, and it was just what the elf asked for. With such excitement as if he had just made a brilliant discovery the elf spoke, "I wish for a big pile of ice cream!"18

With no effort by Jabe he made a pile of strawberry ice cream the size of a frog. Without hesitation the elf passed Jabe off to the next and dove head first into the cold mountain of cream.19

The next elf seeing what his leader had done didn't wait. "Me too! I wish for a big pile of ice cream!"20

This time the elf just threw Jabe on the ground and ran after his pile of chocolate. Before Jabe could recuperate two elves were pulling him by his arms arguing over whose turn it was next. Jabe was confused and all the world spun around him as the two twisted and pulled. Then he heard a little angry voice. "Oh, I wish all of you would just leave him alone." This was one wish Jabe was happy to oblige.21

The two that had been playing tug-a-war with him disappeared and he fell to the ground with a thud. Dazed he didn't move for awhile. "Are you all right?" 22

When he heard the voice he jumped to his feet, ready to run. He thought he had gotten rid of all of them. Then he remembered the young girl who had made the wish, she wouldn't have been included in those he had made disappear. 23

He kept his distance from her and looked on her shyly. When the others were there he didn't have a chance to look at her clearly. Now that he did, he saw how beautiful she was. 24

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. And thank you for wishing them away."25

She smiled kindly. "I didn't like what they were doing, it was mean." 26

He only nodded. Then after a moment he smiled and looked up at her. "You saved me, you are entitled a wish."27

She smiled too. He could see that she liked him. "I don't want a wish."28

"But you saved me!" He was almost insisting now, he wanted to do something nice for her and not just because she saved him.29

She avoided this by asking a question. "Why don't you ever grant yourself any wishes?" 30

Dumbfounded he stared at her. "I can not. We can only give wishes to others."31

"Oh." She said quietly and seemed to ponder his words. They stood there in silence just looking at each other. 32

Jabe was finally starting to dry off and as soon as his wings were able he would fly out of there away from those infernal elves. For now he stood. Slowly he asked, "What is your name?"33

"Sena," she said quietly marking the sand beneath her with her foot.34

"Is there nothing that you wish Sena?" He would leave soon and he didn't want to leave without giving her something.35

She looked back up at him. "I wish you could have your wish, to swim and breathe air like a fish, just once with me at your side."36

Jabe's grin spread all the way across his face shining like the sun. He took her by the hand running for the water. She giggled a sweet laugh as they hit the water. For the first time Jabe could see those wonders he had only dreamed about.37

They swam for hours, playing hide and seek in the reef, and breaching on the surface of the water as he had watched the fish do. In all his days Jabe had never been happier. He knew he and Sena would always be happy together riding on the backs of seahorses.

Author notes

A children's story I wrote a long time ago, hope it's worthy.

for contest: Options? by Inkling
I used option 5 story from fairy's point of view


for contest Vampires, fairies, unicorns, elves, and other mystical or mythical creatures! by Deathnote-girl-4eva

mix between option 2 and 4, fairies and elves.

Main character Jabe is a lonely fairy who is teased by elves and falls in love with one.


For Willy-Nilly's contest;
username tonialoise
"if willy gets the willies does nelly get the nillies?"

for contest; I Felt Like Making a Contest So... by followyourmoonlight
option 4 short fantasy. Hope this is what you're looking for

for contest; Contest The Anything Contest by Kagamine Rin
my favorite song is Enter Sandman by Metallica and this entry was brought to you by the letter Q why? because it's unique

for contest; My little Gem by Yeshua
this is my gem story because it got me into the Storywrite Anthology. plus it's a great little fairy tale!

for contest; Contest Give and Recieve- OPTIONS!!!! by Friesian
I commented on your story
The Can-opener


for contest; Give Me Your Best! by milesofsmiles
MANGO MANGO MANGO

In a list

A contest entry

I wrote this long ago so if you catch grammar mistakes let me know

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 78 of 78

  • Violette silver member
    August 4

    Edit | Reply
    Okay first paragraph, I think near would work a lot better than nearby. (you told me to watch out for errors)

    I thought this story was very cute. It would do well in the children's market. It has powerful imagery and sweet, innocent dialogue. It's good to see people exploring the differences in personality between fairies. Personally, I'm rather afriad of heights, so I'm with the fairy.


    • tonialoise
      August 4
      Edit | Reply
      You know, I think you're right about the near vs. nearby. Don't know what I was thinking.

      I appreciate it. I've thought about making it a children's book, but I'd need a good illustrator, as I'm not very good. Maybe one day...

  • Adele Ellen Bakker
    July 16

    Edit | Reply
    What a lovely original tale.
    It could use a little revision eg; on Line 9 I would separate the two speakers (I am assuming there are two although it reads as only 1) as follows:

    "His wings do work!" Another of the screeching voices said amazed

    "Would he not make a beautiful kite?" a female asked quietly.

    and I loved this line...
    "Sena." She said quietly marking the sand beneath her with her foot.
    You painted a vivid picture for me.

    • tonialoise
      July 16
      Edit | Reply
      Gah! You're kidding? I have two speakers in one para? Wow, I normally catch silly things like that. Thanks for pointing it out.

      Thank you. I'm happy you liked and hope your son/daughter will too.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    This is a cute children's tale. I haven't read it in a long time, and I enjoyed it perhaps more this time around. Poor little fairy, but he got his happy ending after all.

    I did notice your story could use a few commas:
    p7 comma after brothers

    p13 comma after kite

    p13 comma after cleared

    p24 comma after Oh

    thanks for entering my contest with this great story.


  • CantYouHearTheDrums
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    That was so cute. I love fairy tales, especially ones that are different to Cinderella or Goldilocks...etc. You really deserve all those trophies on this one. Congratulations!


  • Clary-SeleneGangsta gold member
    July 2
    Edit | Reply
    kool! good luck in the oscars

    NinjaClary, judge.


  • Siby Anan
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    I loved this! It was so cute!
    Is a relationship between an elf and a fairy forbidden? Just a thought. However, the fact that these two different creatures are together is pretty interesting and makes for a very good fairytale! Their relationship is perfect as it is.

    Great work!


    • tonialoise
      June 30
      Edit | Reply
      Not forbidden but I did try to show they don't often get along.

      Thanks for the comment.


  • The Oscars Team
    June 28

    Edit | Reply
    This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!

    Admin
    SW Oscars

  • DeathByChocolate
    June 27
    Edit | Reply
    Aww, sweet Good job


  • Lekos Memory
    June 14

    Edit | Reply
    This is a beautiful tale and makes a great childrens story. I love the magical creatures. I'm adding this as a finalist.

    Thanks for entering this into my contest.


  • ForeverUnloved
    June 10
    Edit | Reply
    I loved this. It was very well written. Your a finalists


  • Dead Beauty
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    That was a very wonderful tale of a fairy who is different from others and a kindly elf. Your words touched me and I was enchanted by the way you had narrated everything. Perhaps some description of the woods or of Sena would have made it better still, but overall it was enjoyable. Good luck in the contest!


  • Ashlyn Rose
    May 18

    Edit | Reply
    whew uh... I would put you on the finals if you hadn't entered so many contests. sorry that's just my annoying pet pev. it was a great story over all though

    • tonialoise
      May 18
      Edit | Reply
      I enter in contests to only get my story read (well an occasional trophy is nice ) so thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    This was very good. It would thrill my littlest one. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
    Brooke


  • IceIceBaby
    May 15
    Edit | Reply

    haha, cute

    haha, so cute!
    I really liked this, it made me smile


  • Myryca
    May 5

    Edit | Reply
    This was good but it wasn't quite the fairy tale style I was after...

    I didn't like the bully elves. Probably your intention but they just seemed too mean for this kind of story. The ice cream was really funny though.

    I'm wondering how Sena knew of Jabe's wish? Also if Jabe's wish meant they were both fish after that?

    I don't have much experience with children's stories (nor do I know what age group it is you're targeting with this) but some parts I thought were a bit out of place for a children's story. The meanness of the elves (in what they say), for instance.


    Overall, a nice little story.Thanks for entering!

    • tonialoise
      May 11
      Edit | Reply
      I can see your point about the elves being a little mean, but it's nothing worse than I've seen in other children's stories. Anyway, I'm going to remove this from your contest as I forgot I wrote another story that is more of a fairy tale than this one. Though, I still don't know if it's the style you're looking for.


  • SweeneyTodd-girl
    April 20
    Edit | Reply
    I loved this! It was so cute, and probably the best entry I've received. Thanks for entering!


  • scriptor
    April 16

    Edit | Reply
    This isn't my kind of fantasy, but i rathe enjoyed it. I love the storyline.It's just great. I didnt notice any mistakes. This is a childrens story? Was there a lesson to be learned that i didn't quite catch? lol Be nice to others and you'll be rewarded? Anyway, good work

    Bret

    • tonialoise
      April 16
      Edit | Reply
      I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah it's a children's though like you said, no other moral than be nice to others.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • DreamyAme
    April 13

    Edit | Reply

    :)

    Awww that was so sweet. I can't stop smiling. But she didn't ask for his name. ohh.. And what would happen to those elves who were wished away?

    I like it. That was so heartwarming.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • tonialoise
      April 13
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. Hmmm... I guess he didn't give her a chance, but I'm sure she asked him later. Good question about the elves, I'm really not sure.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • artaq gold member
    March 18

    Edit | Reply

    Wounderful

    What a cute story! I can see it being made into a book. your descriptions was awesome! I could see the pictures in my mind.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • SoundInkMusic
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    No grammar mistakes that I could find =) This was a nice children's story, not to mention an enjoyable story in general. I was glad that Sena was perceptive enough to let him get his wish. This is being considered for the finalists' list

    Thank you for entering, and best of luck with the contest.

  • SilentMoonDance
    February 27

    Edit | Reply

    Nice...

    This was a really enjoyable read and I think it fits perfectly as a children's story. I was picturing some majestical world of nature with meddling elves and shimmering faeries roaming about; it was a very endearing story. It also had a moral to it, and that's great for children when reading. I loved the way you described the faerie, how he so desperately wanted to be a part of the water, and the elves...they were so vivid. I adored those little pesky things, even if they were a bit cruel. You should make a story based on elves, as I would love to read it. Anyway, staying on track...this was well written, I didn't see any flaws.

    Great write and good luck in my contest!


    • tonialoise
      February 27
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much!

      A story based on the elves might be fun. I'll think about it.


  • hotwaxtears
    February 15

    Edit | Reply

    Cute

    I liked the characters, I only wish you'd elaborated a tiny bit on Jabe. But I really liked this. I thought it was adorable and it reminded me of the fairy tales my parents read me when I was little. So best of luck!


    • tonialoise
      February 15
      Edit | Reply
      Do you mean to elaborate on his description or his personality or both?

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • Lois.Stone
    February 2
    Edit | Reply
    Well done! Very cute, and perfect grammar!

    Loisxx


  • Cupcake14
    January 30
    Edit | Reply
    It's really very cute...Best of luck in the contest!
    No spelling or grammar mistakes!

  • BurntUmber
    January 5
    Edit | Reply
    This is a very nice story! Thank you for entering my contest!

  • faeriestone
    January 4

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked this story! Original plot with an easy flow! There is also a moral in the story.
    Though it may seem a little long for the very young, if you could put some images to this story I think it would hold their attention! If this was in a book form with say, ten or so pages with an image on each page, I would certainly buy it for my grandchildren.

    I did notice one thing!

    Line 27: Last sentence: Either a semi-colon or full stop after wish.

    Good Luck in the contest

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


    • tonialoise
      January 4
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, I really appreciate it. Thanks for noticing that too.


  • flowerbee1234
    January 2

    Edit | Reply
    Aww... I think any kid would love this cute story. Nice plot, good characters, kind of unknown setting. The only theory I have is that it was a bit too long; I don't know if a child would sit as long as I did unless it was really really good. Great job anyways, and good luck in the contest.

    • tonialoise
      January 2
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. yeah it seems long I guess but I think it might depend on the age of the kid.


  • Renvek
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My quick critique of this is the narrative style changes from a kind of 1st person narrator's point of view to a 3rd person character's point of view. For me it detracted from the story you were telling.
    As a children's story, I like it, and I think it can stand as it is. However, it has potential to be more if you spend time with it. Hope that helps if you come back to edit this

    • tonialoise
      December 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      1st person POV? You mean the narration at the beginning (which isn't 1st person at all)? I can see your point that it is mostly exposition at the beginning then goes into the actual story where I begin to show and not tell.
      I know this is a bit of weakness of mine, I like to get the exposition out of the way, which is really a big nono for most stories. But as you said since this is a child's tale it's kind of the way some of those are told.

      Anyway, I'm not trying to argue with you, just clear up some things a bit. I do actually understand and appreciate your critique on this.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • Yeshua
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Bravo! Indeed!

    I hope you dont take this as an insult, but this story is very cute! It had me smiling the whole way through! Thank you for the contest entry (My Little Gem) and thank you THANK YOU for keeping it clean and erotica/language free!!! Good luck in all of your writing endevors.

    God Bless
    Yeshua

    • tonialoise
      December 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      now why would I take it as an insult that it's cute? It's a great honor to hear those words. thank you so much for reading and enjoying it.


  • Friesian
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    awww!!!

    BEAUTIFUL!!!! I am in LOVE with the title, the ending, and the reeeaaaally great beginning, plus the whole story! I felt so ful of energy when I read this, which is a huge brownie point considering not many stories affect me so. Great characters, great descriptions, great story! I really love it! Your writing is so great! EXCELLENT!


  • Inkling
    December 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That was so sweet. Now I want candy. Lemme see. I thought it was awesome. But I'd rather be a fairy than a fish-thing. Good luck in meh contest!


  • gezza gold member
    December 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think it is a beautiful child's tale and I enjoyed reading it a lot. It is nice to read it, pretending to be a child, and seeing the wonder of innocent love coming to fruition, and how the fairy was able to have his wish come true. What a lucky fellow!


  • Kagamine Rin
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yay! Such a wonderfully twisted fairy tale storY! ... (I know, weird sentence. )

    But I love your way of writing and description. A fair length of a story, I loved how to defined Jabe.

    Such anadorable... Innocent story. :]

    Good luck in my contest.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    November 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hi

    This story is being considered for inclusion in a Storywrite anthology we hope to publish. If you would like this story to be considered, please apply to this group:

    http://storywrite.com/group/info/Storywrite%20Anthology%20Volume%20One?stay=1

    Andy


  • Serpentine silver member
    November 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Awww I really love this. It was very sweet, well-written and innocent. I'm glad there is still good in the world and stories like these geared towards children always make me feel comfort and joy great job!

    ~ Ink

    • tonialoise
      November 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! I thought maybe it was too childish (especially the part about the ice cream) when I wrote it, but it's a feel good factor that people like you are enjoying it.


  • poetry is soul
    November 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh its so cute! i love it... and the bullying brought be back to the dreaded play ground back in second grade when the mean 5th graders would chase me around trying to throw sand in my hair. What a bunch of mean elves! i really liked it. in fact, this is something i think my neices would deffinetly enjoy. do you mind if i let them read it? very good job!


    • tonialoise
      November 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much! Yes go right ahead and share it with them, it's what it's here for Glad you liked it.


  • Silver Dancer silver member
    October 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i like this it is quite ... um... how do you put it cute.
    well that is not really the best word but it works.

    and about the grammar u suck at it and i cant find where the commers and full stops go but this was grate
    so far you are the first to enter so good for you


  • Robin Omallia
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked that. It was so cute and meaningful. I didn't want it to end.
    Thanks for entering my contest!!!


  • DemApples
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    TITLE = 2/2PTS
    STRUCTURE = 19/30PTS
    FLOW = 16/15PTS
    CHARACTERS = 17/20PTS
    IMAGERY = 18/18PTS
    DESCRIPTION = 3/5PTS
    SETTING = 8/10PTS

    total = 81


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very origional and cute. I love the descriptions in this, you didn't use too many or too few. Your dialog is well done, realistic and not the least confusing. I love the 'giant pile of icecream' bit that's just funny. Not what I was expecting. Thank you for entering your a finalist.


  • angelaononchan
    October 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Good story

    I love faries and elves, so I enjoyed this atory. Okay speling and grammar. This beautifully written and I really like it. Will Jabe Sena live there in the water? Or they can come out and breathe under water at the same time? Good that they have a happy ending. At first I didn't know Jabe was a fairy. I thought he was a human and how I know he's a fairy. I love fantasy. Humans can walk like fairies can fly, but I think fairies can't swim so maybe Jabe would want to. Or maybe another reason because he is in love.

    • tonialoise
      October 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks very much angel. yep it was part of his wish to be able to go underwater and his love certainly helped him get his wish.


  • KaleighLynn
    October 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    This was.

    an ok story im not really into elves or faireys or anything like that i8m kinda into vampires but this was a really good story keep up the good write!

  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    October 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very Good Story!

    I think the title should be 'Riding on the (Backs) of Seahorses'.

    p6 The tallest of (whom)


    I really enjoyed this story. Maybe I'm a kid at heart. I don't know much about fairies and elves, but can't elves grant wishes, too?

    I'm glad there was a happy ending for Sena and Jabe.

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published.

    Andy

    • tonialoise
      October 13, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      after all this time I've never noticed the title error! Thanks!

      I think it depends on which tales you listen to as to who, or what can grant wishes.


  • quicksilver moon
    August 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Such a sweet story! I loved it completely and if you dont mind I might even read it to my little cousins. They'll adore this story. It's beautifully written and reminds me of the little elves and fairy stories I loved to hear at bed time when I was a kid. Thanks for entering this story in the contest


    • tonialoise
      August 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much. Of course share it! That's what it's here for. Hope they enjoy it.

  • Valkyrie silver member
    August 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Aww, how cute! I love how the elves are mean and greedy in your story; that's a neat twist.

    I pictured Jabe's wings like dragonfly wings for some reason, instead of butterfly wings.

    It looks like paragraphs 12, 13, and 14 are actually all supposed to be the same paragraph.

    Metoo in P21 should be two words

    P37 has breath, instead of breathe

    P38 says shinning, instead of shining

    in the last paragraph, you say "sea horses". If you mean the little ocean creatures, that's actually one word, seahorses.


  • elfflower1989
    August 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Aww, this was adorable. I really liked it ^^ I wonder how she knew what he wanted?


  • juhi
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    great job

    i guess , this one is a nice fairy tale . i found no holes in it[i myself is not very good in grammer ] so keep your imaginations go on , i m waiting fo ranother intresting story from your pen . till good luck .


  • Cecilia Marlana
    July 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Good

    Good story. Good story line, good grammar, and Ok spelling. The point is that you didn't read the contest info. I said to write which option you chose in the Authors notes (obviously I know its fairies but, I still like people who follow directions), you were supposed to describe your main characters as well! Good luck in the contest, but next time read the info.

    • tonialoise
      July 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Oops sorry, you know I did read the directions but it's my first contest entry so I got a little excited and just uploaded the story. I can fix it of course, is it too late now?

      • Cecilia Marlana
        July 19, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        no no its alright

        lol, go ahead and fix it. So long as the contest isn't closed I allow people to edit and change where they see fit as long as they tell me.

1 - 78 of 78