In a far off corner, away from anyone’s view, sits a woman quietly drawing on the dirty floor. She sits there day in, day out, just tracing over the lines she has already created. What is it she has been drawing you may ask? It is a portrait of an angel, one that had left her side long ago. Cocking her head to one side when she reaches his face for the thousandth time, letting the tears of wrenching pain flow from her ever pleading eyes for his gallant return. How could he just leave her as he did, just when she needed him most.1
Huddling closer to the wall, she stared down at his face, tracing him with her eyes; she lapsed into her memories of a time when she smiled. It was a cool spring day, everything seemed so new. Her warm auburn hair glistened in the suns beauty. Her hazel eyes flowed with such happiness that anyone who looked at her, could not help but have a smile appear. Her smile was as soft as a cloud and just as radiant. When she spoke, the angels sighed with complete contentedness, knowing that this child would lead to greatness one day.2
There was a mighty oak tree just behind her. Its branches were broad and strong, standing against all the forces of weather, with not a single piece of bark curled. A voice gently called to her, seemingly from behind the tree, asking her softly to come nearer. With slight hesitation she moved forward wondering who the mysterious voice may belong to. Slowly she made her way through the amethyst lilacs, careful not to damage any; just then she noticed a bright shine illuminating from behind the magnificent trunk of the wise oak. The wind picked up and a feather elegantly danced upon the breath of mother earth. Immediately she looked up into the intertwining branches and did not see any birds. Where had the feather come from then? She wondered. In the very next second, a man walked out from what seemed like thin air, revealing the most incredible wings she had ever seen. The light that surrounded this heavenly soul, was so intensely bright, it was almost too much to bear.3
He approached her, yet she did not fear his advancement. She squinted her eyes as much as she could; she tried to see his face as clear as she could. His eyes were so incredibly blue, that they seem to pierce right through her soul, not leaving any part of her untouched. His hair looked like a contained wildfire, burning with intense passion, yet remained cool to the touch. Her heart fluttered at his angelic smile that made every fear she had ever known, melt away like an ice cube on a hot summer’s day. With a bewildered look, she reached out her hand so she could touch his face. When she tried to do so, he took a step back, as if he was teasing her. She quickly dropped her arm, afraid she had offended him, and started to walk away when he softly whispered her name again,4
“Angel.”5
That was all it took for her to stop in her tracks, turn around and walk right back to him. It was they way he spoke her name that made her body tingle with familiarity and safeness. With extreme care, he cupped her hand firmly into his and while going anywhere, he showed her the most amazing journey she had ever been on, it was all he wanted to show her from his mind. Sights, smells, tastes, sounds and touches that he had experienced in his life, for some reason he wanted to share it with her. Looking deep into his sapphire eyes, she was crossing a threshold that no one else was ever given the honor of. Instantly upon entering the maze of this mans mind, she was given the key that could open any locked door, anything she desired to know was at her very disposal. With a bit of hesitation, she entered the thresh hold, like Alice in Wonderland, looking for the white rabbit that had jumped into the hole. 6
First she was in a underground tunnel, with a small stream of water flowing through, showing her images of his childhood and tough beginnings, then to some of the more gentler times when he was happy playing in the shadows. Then she felt the water rising and the tunnel was getting bigger with holes punched in the ceiling, letting the light seep through here and there. The higher the water rose, the more hell, chaos and uncertainty his visions to her became. Demented faces began to appear, echoing their terrified screams trough the network of tunnels, piercing her ears. She immediately put her hands over hear ears, pushing forward and crying every step of the way. All at once, everything went dark, like someone blocked out the sun completely. Angel dropped her hands from her ears, and started feeling her ways through the long, vast tunnel. A low mournful cry could be heard, almost ghost like. Then a single flickering candle could be seen ahead, it was faint, but it was defiantly there. She called out,7
“Hello is anybody there?”8
Then she thought to herself, now that was a silly question, considering she was in the mind of this man, and she knew for certain that she was the only one her, or at least that was what she was lead to believe. As she continued down the tunnel, what she thought were phantom cries, were really the cries of a young man that apparently lost his way. Angel quickly went to aide him and to see if there was anything she could possibly do to help. He looked at her with the same amazing deep eyes that her mysterious stranger possessed, and held his arms out to her. Kneeling to him with a heavy heart, she embraced him, listing to him sob of those that had destroyed his spirit over and over again, How could they do this to him is all he kept asking. Angel held him so close, never asking him for his name, letting him grieve on her shoulder. All at once she noticed she was hugging herself, looking around she saw that she was again alone. Wondering what happened to the young man that was tormented by others, she continued this bizarre journey. 9
The water was again rising, this time reaching to her knees. The currents were growing stronger and began pulling her in many different directions, just then there was a sudden surge in the water. So incredibly forceful, it threw Angel completely backwards and threw her in a solid door that was made of silver. It was hard for her to catch her breath as the grip of the water tightened down on her chest. Reaching deep in her pockets, hoping there was something in them that might unlock this door; Angel fumbled across the key that she was given before. With a rush of adrenalin, she plunged the key deep into the vast hole of the door, wanting so much to get out of this swirling water vortex. Once the door was lose enough to fully open, the weight of the rising water forced the door to its full extent. 10
The water began to recede and Angel fell gratefully to her knees, gasping and coughing for air. She was so thankful for that blasted key at this point. As she regained her composure, she realized she was no longer in the tunnels, she had been returned to the mystical fields, and at the feet of her heavenly visitor. This day was now much more than what she had ever bargained for and she now wonders where it all will lead. As she arose to her feet, her mysterious friend vanished as fast as he arrived, leaving behind a single red rose. Had it all been a dream?11
Years went by and Angel heard nothing more from her visitor of that day. Hard times fell upon her, deaths of family members, issues of losing friends as well as jobs; Angel was just fed up with life in general. What did she have left to live for? Slowly she began to withdrawal from the outside world, never enjoying the sweetness of a child’s laughter, the gentleness of rain on a warm spring’s day, even the warmth of the sun that she once completely immersed herself in. She wandered the halls of her home ominously, nothing much mattered anymore. When she was not consumed in the great sadness that over took her every thought’s he would draw her heaven sent stranger, wishing he was with her once more. So she could feel the safety of his touch, see the kindness and love in his eyes, to feel his very breath upon her skin. Why could he not be there now, when she needed him the most? She went to sleep with a pain riddled face and a heart screaming out for him. Her pillow was so soaked with tears, it was falling apart.12
She sat in the shadows most of the time, thinking of him, drawing his picture in the dirt that now covered the floor, tracing her love from him over and over again. They never did more than touch hands, but the mere fact that he trusted her and only her to enter his mind, was the key to entering his heart. One night, Angel dressed in her finest white gown, brushed her matted hair, and then went off to sleep holding one single rose in her fragile hands. Angel never woke up again. Instead, her body gave up the fight that she had undertaken so long ago; let her soul be where it finally belonged, in the arms of her heaven sent stranger. Till this day when passer byres walk past her house, that is now in shambles, they can see two figures waltz past the grimed windows, laughing and looking lovingly into the others eyes.13
Author notes
#2
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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I love it I love it I love it. I cried at the end and oh wow... you did such a beautiful job with this. I... wow... I have no words. You need to keep writing!
All The Best To You And Yours
LittleMoth -
Excellent symbolisim and Nice imagery and word use. I like the theme and the entering of the mind! This has a magical feel to it and I believe you have a very good story that you could turn into a book very quickly! I enjoyed this piece!
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wow... just.. wow! I am speechless! This was so magical.. so moving! I just... wow! lol, I look like an idiot now.. thank you so much for sharing this piece, so amazing! You are a talented author!
Love,
Katy
~LiquidLullaby~ -
wow i love this story it so sweet!!! it's strange how much trust we we can put on one person. but this tells of some one who never gave up on that trust which is something i've never seen befor. i hope i do that some day.
keep writing your great at it!!!
luv dd -
holy son of a-wow
Wow, this is an incredible story of an amazing journey. Like Inexpressible said, the ides of giving someone the key to their mind is altimate trust, and I am interested in the man's past. This sory is just awsome, character discriptions are great and so is the imagery used.
Excellent story Mum, just, wow. Thanks for sharing this with me.
Best wishes, ΝΣΚØΗΝ -
breathtaking
Nice imagery and word use...I like the idea of someone being able to enter another's mind, it would be the ultimate bond and display of trust. Some stunning lines, fairly good character development. I am interested in the man's past...what has happened to him that he has been so tormented? Perhaps that could be another story in itself...told from his point of view up til when he meets Angel. Great write...real potential with the plot. Thanks for showing me the link! Keep on writing!!!! -
A very touching piece marred only by a few typos here and there. I really like the way you make the two become one without the traditional method of intercourse. I also like how you show the merging of two minds as being more powerful, more sensual than a physical bond. This has some real great potential. Keep it up.
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thanky ou freedom, please, call me Angel
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Hey Friend:
um....WOW!! That was a really good story. You brought a tear to my eye
. I like the way that things would change so fast from happy to sad, from sad to happy. It gives it that unique story feeling. I don't know what more to say because I am speechless. Keep up the good work.
Thank You for sharing
Real Freedom -
ty jenny jenn jen love you
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Yeah, I finally got around to reading your story and I must say it is no surprise to me how beautiful it turned out. Wonderful images and held my attention the entire read. Just lovely. I look forward to reading your next story. Great job, Hun!! Keep it up!!
--Jenn
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Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, this is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful. I'm lost for words, and that doesn't happen often!!!
Love you always,
Flickatee
xxx -
great write
this is a very well written story.
It has alot of symbolism in it. I liked this story alot.
Keep penning. I'd like to see more stories like this -
as always you manage to write an incredible story! you have great imagery in this piece. everyone could use an angel in thier lives! Great job!
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Wow
OH WOW! this is an awesome story! i...i'm speechless... -
Wow again! What an incredible story of an incredible journey. I wish the ending had been a bit different, but I suppose it is as it should be. You are truly talented and I am awed! I absolutely love the line, "The wind picked up and a feather elegantly danced upon the breath of mother earth." What a terrific, delicate image. Thank you for sharing the link to this one as well!
You are an amazing writer.
Oh...you know what? Your story reminds me of an excellent book that I've read more than once, called 'Godbody' by Theodore Sturgeon. I highly recommend it. I think you find certain similarites to you story.
Lorena -
i will ty. for reading
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wow beautiful story really cool u r a kind of talented in writing storys i like it keep it up u and ur littel girl say hi to her !!
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Applause
Excellent and beautiful story, well worthy of applause.
Georges. -
wow... this is a beautiful story. i love it. i agree with touchof1der.. you are certainly very talented. wonderful write, my friend. keep it up
-m-
btw, i also agree with homegrowns corrections. but beautiful job anyway. nice work
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I read this when you first told me about it and my initail reaction was simply, "OMG! I hope she continues this!" I was so drawn into it. Reading it again, here and now, even though I already knew what it was about... it had that same holding power. That is the sign of a great story sweetie!! I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into this and it really shows in the quality. You are certainly a talent to both envy and be very proud of.
♥ Kimberly -
i am always open fior fine tuning....thanks hunny
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This is a lovely story and the visuals are great, needs a slight tightning up of the story,but that can be done very easyly, I loved the story ,I could do with an angel myself at the moment, keep writing this was a super read and a very lovely write, hugs Di
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wow... dont really know what to say. this was an amazing story though! excellent write!
~Ashley~ -
This was something that I could continue to read thinking about something else for this poem such as a sequal? this story was amazing I really enjoyed it it took me a while to read, and i tried to read it all and i did but i mighta missed some lines its hard for me to read like this idk why alwyas has been anyways i really loved this story youre such a great writer keep up the great work i loved this story continue.
Joshuacrisel -
Editing nazis, by george.
haha, don't have time to leave a huge comment right now, but i will get to it dear. I promise -
Highly Readable.
i: he cupped her hand firmly into his and while going anywhere, he showed her the most amazing journey::
Should "while" be "without"?
ii: she knew for certain that she was the only one her, or at least that was what she was lead to believe.
"her" should be "here"
iii: Slowly she began to withdrawal from the outside world
"withdrawal" should be "withdraw".
iv: tracing her love from him over and over again
Should "from" be "for?
v: Till this day when passer byres walk past her house
I would use "passers by", or maybe "local folk" to keep
"walk past her house" from seeming repetative.
I enjoyed this tale a good bit. It is that little something that we all hold close, that hope for the one that was the all. The tense seemed a bit off in some places, and again, some minor repetitions, but a wholly good read nonetheless. -
i dont have time to read this right now but I didnt want to waste your points. I will bookmark it though and come back to it. I promise...If I dont Ill give you 30 points! lol Just cause I like to keep my word.
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'The wind picked up and a feather elegantly danced upon the breath of mother earth. Immediately she looked up into the intertwining branches and did not see any birds. Where had the feather come from then? She wondered. In the very next second, a man walked out from what seemed like thin air, revealing the most incredible wings she had ever seen. The light that surrounded this heavenly soul, was so intensely bright, it was almost too much to bear.'
Very beautiful, Angelic One...well~written, great storyline, swift flow, wondrous imagery...I'm pleased to see you're still stretching your wings...Nice thermal ya caught, my Friend...well done, m'Lady...
♥ Wanda
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Ah..the rest! lol. Now I feel like a geek. That was just beautiful. One thing that annoyed me though was the constant switching from past to present tense. lol. I'm just a stickler for that kind of stuff.
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Good storyline. I'm not sure if this fantasy or is drawn from a personal experience but overall I enjoyed reading it.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
great write very heart felt
I loved this the imagery was great and just melts a hear. lovely lovely write -
"Then she thought to herself, now that was a silly question, considering she was in the mind of this man, and she knew for certain that she was the only one her, or at least that "
Shouldnt that be "she is the only one here"
"Kneeling to him with a heavy heart, she embraced him, listing to him sob of those that had destroyed his spirit over and over again, How could they do this to him is all he kept asking"
shouldnt that be listening?
enough editing, this is a hauntingly romantic story.. but.. I do not get it.. the beauty of it is unquestionable, but i do not understand the story.. message ur trying to write..
Still a beautiful write..
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thank you sweetie
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thanky ou my brother, I am glad you liked it
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wow i loved it alot of reading haha but i loved it you have away with words that a lot of people dont i hope to see more of yours and keep it up
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Wonderous
This is a masterpiece. An amazing write, that flows with such passion, that it grabs you. The entering of someones mind, to experience their soul is a journey you brought to life. From the screaming that she was privy to, the pain she was privy to, within this blackeness... you help us wrap our minds around what you both are experiencing, together... an amazing idea... an amazing write, I thank you for giving me the chance to read this, and I am going to add it to my author page... everyone who reads this can receieve something from it, it was truly amazing...
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This is a wonderful story you have woven here sissy. I had to go and read it a second time before commenting. All I can say is "WoW" and thank you for sharing you talent with all of us.
~Willow~ -
now that is a comment worth savoring. when you can take a mant hat does not read omance, and have him like it. ty
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I have to say I really enjoyed this story Angel from the tracing of memories, to the appearance of the Angel. From the tunnel of his own memories to the gift of a single rose. To the rest of her life and the return of the rose Great use of repetition as well. Brilliant imagery, was well worth the read.
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thank you sweetheart, you pointers helped alot
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Wow this is very good. I can't say i acually get into that many stories. But i really liked this. It's pretty romantic. You'v got a talent. Nicely done and keep up the awsome writing.
Jason -
I was drawn in. I want more. I can not believe the ending I am hanging on here. I love the story. I usually read novels in paperback but not on the net. Incredible story keep up the great work
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Great
Wow. That was definitely intriguing. I would never have thought that it would end with such finality and strangely sad and happiness all in one. I do believe this is a beautiful winnger. Of course, I would like to suggest one single thing: Please, please, please, please keep writing! If only for my sake. I so love your works. Which, mind, I have been slacking on all my favorites for a while now. Sadly, work takes precedence over all else and I've been to pooped to do anything recently. I am so very glad you sent me the link to this beauty for it's a masterpeice. You should publish it. Oh, and send me a copy of the published work too!
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Lovely story! I'll get more into what I liked about it in a minute, but let me point out some things you might want to consider in the way of possible improvements, if you don't mind...
In the first paragraph, you have the words "drawing" and "side" repeated and closely together. It lends an unnecessary repetitive feel to the piece so you might want to consider another word choice in place of the repeated words. instead of "up and leave her", just write "leave her", which appears more as more professional language.
Second paragraph: "... eyes flowed with such happiness, that anyone that looked at her..." should be "...anyone who looked at her". The word "that" is descriptive of a thing, whereas "who" is descriptive of a person.
Third paragraph... "...the wind picked up a bit"... leave off the "a bit".
Paragraph five... "With extreme care, he cupped her hand firmly into his and without going anywhere, he showed her the"... you might want to try something like "... he cupped her hand firmly in his own and, while going nowhere, showed her the..." which seems to create a firmer flow.
Now that I'm done nit-picking. lol. I thought this story had such a strong, romantic and mystical feel to it that I couldn't help but get wrapped up in it. As a matter of fact, I couldn't nit-pick the first time around because I was too busy simply enjoying the story being told. I found it highly captivating.
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I am not kidding when I say speaking as a reader that this is fantastic. I wanted more, not for it to be finished. This is really captivating.
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