Of Booze and Morons

21st of May, 2008. 1

Of Booze and Morons.2

It's that time of year again. The time when a bunch of men head to a field to play with their balls... Er... I'm sorry, did I say that? I meant to say play with a ball. Honest. I did.3

State of Origin, they call it, football game of the year for Queenslanders and New South Walers. The Booze and the Morons fight it out for their state's honour. If honour is the word.4

My husband is reading over my shoulder, he says it's the "Blues and the Maroons." Booze and Morons, however, is more fitting; it better describes these men on the field, and off... 5

*** 6

Agatha stopped typing and looked at her husband, Walter. 'Look,' she said, 'if you want to read my blogs, would you please not edit everything I say.' 7

'Alright, alright!' Walter whined, 'but there's no need to make fun of Rugby, it's just a harmless game. And there are plenty of other things to ridicule.'8

Agatha just shook her head. Harmless game indeed... she thought.9

***10

Football, or rugby if you like, is a game with the goal of beating the hell out of the other team (maiming seems to be allowed). My husband informs me (again) that the goal is to get the ball in the opponent's hole... ah... goal. 11

*** 12

'Did you want something?' Agatha snapped, 'Or are you here to remove the humour from my blog?' 13

'Actually, yes,' Walter said, 'I did have something to tell you.' A toothy grin split Walter's face. 'Boss was so happy with my work, he gave me two tickets to tonight's game!' 14

Agatha nodded. 'I'm happy for you. Really, I am. Which of your brain dead friends are you taking?' 15

Walter ignored the jab. 'Well, I was thinking you might like to come.' 16

Agatha blinked. Oh my goodness, has he completely missed all I've said of his beloved sport? she thought.17

'Um. Don't you think one of your friends might enjoy it more?' she pressed. 18

'Oh, yes, they'd enjoy it. But they've all got tickets. Either way, I really would love it if you'd come. It'll be great!' 19

Agatha wasn't sure she heard right. Her? At a football game? 20

'Oh all right,' she said, 'I'll come.' 21

'Yes!' He punched the air happily. 'We leave in 20 minutes.' 22

Sighing, Agatha slammed her laptop shut. She'd finish the blog later; maybe she'd have something interesting to add from the game. Hah! 23

*** 24

They'd found their seats without too much trouble, although it'd taken awhile. The game was just about to begin. 25

'That's our team, the Blues, there,' Walter said, pointing to the row of blue-garbed thugs. 'They have to get the ball in that goal to score tries.' He pointed to the goal on the other side of the field. 26

'I have grasped the basics of the game,' Agatha replied coldly, but her comment was lost as the game began and the crowd roared. 27

Her attention wandered shortly after the first try was scored. 28

***29

Oh goodness, how I hate comb-overs... so ugly... 30

A gasp from Walter made her look up from the close study of the head of the man below her. 'Hmm?' 31

'The Maroons are about to score another goal. The game will be theirs if they do!' Walter explained, seeing her puzzled expression. 32

'Oh.' Agatha was just returning to her study of the head, when a thought struck her. 33

The smile on her face grew in size and wickedness as the thought expanded gleefully. Oh how he's gonna hate this... 34

As the tension in the crowd grew, Agatha let herself become excited. Reaching out, she found Walter's hand, and squeezed it. 35

One of the Maroons broke through the Blues defence, and made a spectacular, break for the goal.36

Before the ball even hit the ground, Agatha leapt to her feet, dragging the dumbfounded Walter with her. 37

'GO THE MAROONS!' she screamed, waving her hands wildly, along with Walter's. 38

By the time Walter realised just what she was doing, the avid Blues fans surrounding them had turned on the apparent turncoats with looks of hatred on their faces... 39

*** 40

...We made it out in one piece, though it was a dash to the car; someone wasn't very happy with my little stunt. But, I can tell you, I wouldn't have missed the look on his face for anything. 41

*** 42

Agatha smiled with satisfaction as she hit the post button on the blog. She'd gone back to typing it as soon as they'd got home. Walter had retired, sulking, to their room. He'd get over it, eventually. 43

Author notes

This story was quite a challenge for me. I've never written one from a woman's POV before, so let me know how I did there. And having to find out a few things about Rugby was hard, because I can't stand that sport...

I wanna thank Gary Alexander for his patience in helping me edit this. Couldn't have got here without his help (or someone else's ).

New and fancy wordsies.

Apogenous: Impotent.
Coprolalial: Hairy-buttocked.
Zoophyte: Extremely low form of animal life.
Yirning: Whining.
Mephitic: Foul-smelling.

Sample sentence: 'You, my dear sir, are a yirning, apongenous, coprolalial, mephitic, zoophyte.'

For the Tickets Please contest: This is my new story. I had to enter it into Blondie's comp first. 'Cause hers only allows new writes. But I did just write it.

For Show me what you've got contest: Fav movies... Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Pirate's movies, etc. Haha.

For the Give me your best work! contest: I'm a guy.

For a sports comp I just entered, my fav movie is... ahh... prolly one of the Pirates.

For contest about wanting to die peacefully, HEY!!

More contests things: "Alcoholic kind of mood, lose the clothes lose the lube."

In a list

A contest entry

A honest critique that is helpful is the best critique.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 96 of 96
  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    2 days ago
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    The plot moved along at a quick and easy to follow pace, the characters were visible and interesting

    Hi Dan, I know you are all tied up with NaNo—but I expected you would mention which story you would like Hoodwinked. Since tomorrow is the last day, I figured I better comment on something .

    You are Hoodwinked

    So this is the fun and easy way out.

    This story has been washed and cleaned so many times it’s hard to find a spot to rub at .

    Of course being an avid ‘Baseball’ fan, I can’t imagine how they managed to get out of the stadium alive—especially that poor innocent bloke.

    Then to, he does seem like a wimp, any of the guys in my family would not ‘Just Get Over It’ in fact even I would have found this behavior of her's grounds for divorce.

    The plot moved along at a quick and easy to follow pace, the characters were visible and interesting, and the humor came across perfectly. The dialogue mixed fine with the activity taking place.

    I would have enjoyed a longer more involved recreation of her actions at the stadium. This was a very emotionally charged scene that you just glazed over.

    (JMHO) Her attention wandered shortly after the first try was scored. 28(either at the end of this or the beginning of this) ***29 Oh goodness, how I hate comb-overs... so ugly... 30 (I would spend a few sentences explaining what she was thinking to pass the time and alleviate her boredom.)

    Have you attempted to publish this? might I suggest Redbook or Woman’s Day

    Geri


    • DoozerDan silver member
      2 days ago
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      Edit | Reply
      Well, I don't know what everyone else has read, so better I let them pick.

      Glad you enjoyed it.

      This story I wrote for Blondie's flash fiction contest, it had a 700 word cap, with a 50 word leeway, I was already pushing that, so yeah, couldn't spend a few sentences here, a few sentences there. Already was cutting stuff out as it was.

      Anyway, the longer the stadium scene the more I'd have to know about the game, and actually having to write about the game... EVIL!!! I don't think my mind could take it actually. It was bad enough having to look up what I did to be able to write this realistically.

      I've not tried publishing any of my stuff yet. Next year.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • tallblondie Greeters member
    November 19
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    It's a shame I can't give this more clappies, because I really would like to. I think I have lost count how many times I have read this, but I will admit that I do enjoy reading it every time. Anything that pokes fun at a bunch of men that half-kill each other over a funny shaped leather ball all in the name of proving which state has the best football players gets my nod of approval. I also know how much effort you put into perfecting this in a grammatical sense - and I appreciate stories that not only are entertaining, but also well contructed.

    Thanks for your entry in Share the Spoils.

    PS You can consider yourself hoodwinked, and poked for good measure.


  • Oblivion Kitty God silver member
    November 17
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    I loved it. A wonferully written story full of rich humor and a perfect blend of realism. Great work, Dan. As always, I am impressed (though why I continue to be amazed at your excellance worries me.)


    • DoozerDan silver member
      November 17
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      Edit | Reply


      Let me know when I stop amazing you, 'K? 'Cause that's when I'll need to rethink my strategy.

      Glad you enjoyed, thanks for the read, comment and applause.


  • the wonder girl silver member
    November 17
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    Haha

    If someone did that to me and HAD me cheering for my team's rival.. UGH. *cracks knuckles* and I'm a woman so I appreciated this, I just imagined it was my sister's POV and I was the one there, only, I'm a sister instead of a husband Haha, I think this is the 3rd of yours that I've read still funny, I think you have countless ways of actually tickling our funny bones

    *winks a hood*


    • DoozerDan silver member
      November 17
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      Edit | Reply
      Glad you enjoyed it.

      Hehe, it's awesome to know that I can still be funny after a few stories, hopefully it remains that way. I'm always trying to find new jokes and new ways to tell them. Can't get stuck in a rut with humour... the ruts very quickly run into (insert suitable metaphorical analogy here). Sorry, it's NaNoWriMo month, and it's late, so my brain is fried.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!


  • NosferatuWoman
    November 16
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    17. I don't think you need to add "she thought, shocked". When you say she blinked it pretty much conveys that she knows her husband is clueless! ha.

    32. You forgot the "period" at the end.

    39 do you spell realised different than we do?

    I think you write from the female POV pretty well. I think it was great - what she did to ensure that she had not only a great blog entry, but solidified the fact that she would never have to endure another football game again with her husband!

    The title of the story drew me to it. Loved it! Of Booze & Morons... who wouldn't love that?


    • DoozerDan silver member
      November 17
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      Edit | Reply
      First point, a very good one. Now that you mention it, shocked does seem a bit redundant. I'll probably remove it.

      Second point, I can't believe... actually, I can... that I missed that full stop. Will fix now!

      Yus, being Aussie I spell words like 'realised' with an 's', not a 'z'.

      Glad you enjoyed the story. And the title, I've always been rather pleased with this title, and story. I think it's my most professional yet. xD But that could be my ego speaking.

      Thank you muchly for reading and commenting!


  • kiwiluver
    November 14
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    I could totally see this happening. You are an artist, you know, painting a picture before my eyes. Great job!


  • MoonRoseWolf gold member
    November 9
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    Hehehe......

    Very well written! Great humour from you as always

    You've obviously proofed this very well, as well, as I couldn't spot any spelling or grammer mistakes at all.....but I am tired.....nah, I don't think there was any

    This kind of explains the way I feel about (english) football, or 'soccer' in some places, I'm okay with Rugby, but this was still a great story. You wrote the woman's part in very realistically, and the story flowed very well, even with the transitions between her blog and the events that were taking place.

    Overall, a very well written, funny story, and I really enjoyed reading it. Well done in the contest!


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    October 17

    Edit | Reply
    Being a South African as soon as I read the word rugby, I was immediately drawn to your story. Nice one. One teenie-weenie point, in Rugby don't they score tries and not goals???
    Your attempt at writing from a woman's point of view was quite well done. You have great writing ability.
    Regards
    Bernice DeLucchi


    • DoozerDan silver member
      October 17
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe, I've heard rugby is quite a popular sport of in South Africa.

      Hmm, now that you mention it, I do seem to recall hearing that. Not being a fan of the game, little things like 'tries' vs. 'goals' slip by me. Haha. Thanks for pointing it out!

      *Heads off to fix it*


  • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
    October 12

    Edit | Reply

    Very Entertaining!

    Your main character makes a convincing woman to me, but I'm no expert, being of the other sex.

    She does enjoy pestering her guy. Not nice to get them in trouble at the game. She's got a wicked sense of humor.

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published.

    Andy


  • im.perfectly.flawed
    October 12

    Edit | Reply
    Not one of my favorites but good job for managing it a little well from the womans side. Though some women you need remember do enjoy football.

    Thanks for entering and goodluck.

    Lady Madeline.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      October 12
      Edit | Reply
      Heh. Ah well, can't please 'em all, can I?

      I don't believe I said anywhere that all women hate sport. I know plenty who love it.

      Have fun with the contest!


  • tonialoise silver member
    October 10

    Edit | Reply
    Ah, quite devious! Nicely done! It sounds like something I would want to do but would be too afraid to. So sounds like you've got the woman right Was kind of surprised she didn't come out more enamored by the game just because over here most women watch sports to get a look at the nice looking fellows But being distracted by the audience is typical too, so no harm no foul.


  • Kirin
    September 19

    Edit | Reply
    Heh! Very hilarious! Particularly the nasty tongue slips Enjoyed the idea of framing a fan! Your name's hidden from me but, as soon as I read the first few paragraphs, I found out who you are Exellent job! Keep Writing and Good Luck!!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      September 19
      Edit | Reply
      Glad you enjoyed. Thought you might enjoyed some of the 'tongue slips'.

      Well, I reckon it's good that I have a distinct style, that people actually pick it up from just reading my stuff.

  • Dawn Payton
    September 14
    Edit | Reply
    very good. e dp


  • Ghost of a Siren
    September 14
    Edit | Reply
    This was really funny!


  • Wildpaw-Lily
    September 12
    Edit | Reply
    hehe X3 loved it again u write the best storys!


  • DaDa
    September 10

    Edit | Reply
    lol. this reminded me of that one time my bf took me to a football game.......I did not cheered for the other team but I kept making clever comments on how handsome one of the players was.

    I really enjoyed it so thank you for entering

  • riveralex gold member
    September 2

    Edit | Reply

    Nice one.

    This is really readable and very likeable, too. It reads very well on a screen, too, so that's a great plus ... so many people don't grasp how important this is to readers. And I loved how you handled the action and the characters, very neatly realised, economically, too.

    Well done.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      September 2
      Edit | Reply
      Glad you enjoyed it.

      Yeah, making things easy to read on the screen is very important.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • happy go lucky13
    August 30
    Edit | Reply
    hehehe, that was fun. good luck!

  • Tomereader
    August 21

    Edit | Reply
    This is an interesting and amusing tale. There is a delicious undercurrent of cruelty here. It was gently funny rather than belly laughs and cleverly done from the lady's side. More from these two please.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      August 21
      Edit | Reply
      Glad you enjoyed. It's a bit of a change doing a gently funny piece as opposed to a belly of laughs, which I usually do.

      Don't worry, I plan on doing more by these chaps.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • The Joker HaHa
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    OMG. that was pretty funny. o if anyone did that to me at a football game i would freak out and never talk to her again lol. but since she's his wife...that sucks lol. Good piece. Thank you for entering.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      August 20
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.

      Yeah, that's why I did wife instead of girlfriend, haha, he's stuck with her instead of being able to walk away. I'm looking forward to writing more stories about them, see what other subjects I can satire.



  • urbanronin88
    August 18
    Edit | Reply
    It was good. It was funny and you did a good job ov getting the womans POV. I liked it.


  • gocubsgo25 silver member
    August 13

    Edit | Reply
    Nice story. Truth be told, I don't know much about rugby but it's like American football, I think. I enjoyed it!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      August 13
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks.

      Join the club, haha, what's in this story is about all I know about it.


  • scriptor
    August 11

    Edit | Reply
    at first it seemed to me that it lacked your usual comic, but then at the end when the woman grabbed her husbands hand and yelled go maroons it made me rofl. This was a good piece of work, well written.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      August 12
      Edit | Reply
      Yes, it's not as side splittingly funny as my usual story, but I was trying something somewhat different for this. More "refined" humour. Haha.

      Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the read, comment and applause.


  • Taylor Renee
    August 10

    Edit | Reply


    I absolutely think this was adorable.

    Especially since you're a guy, and you wrote in a girl's POV, I think you wrote it wonderfully. It made me smile, which is awesome.

    It's a very cute, fun little piece, and to tell you the truth, I sort of hate that sport, too, so I liked it a lot more, I suppose.

    I think it was so cute; the Booze and Morons.

    You really wrote it nicely, though, and I think it was perfect the way it is!

    Great work, thanks so much for entering my contest, and I wish you the best of luck!

    xoxo
    -♥-
    Tay


    • DoozerDan silver member
      August 10
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe. So glad you enjoyed it.

      Thank you very much for the lovely comment. And the applause.


      • Taylor Renee
        August 10
        Edit | Reply
        So glad you wrote it.

        You're welcome very much for the annoying comment! And you deserved the applause ^^


  • BenjaminAJD
    August 10
    Edit | Reply
    I would just like to state that I did not make the below comment. Someone is using my user name and password. Also, I had a months membership taken out of my account without being asked. I am going to report the matter to the authorities. This is a bad scene. Go away storywrite!
    Ben Dickson


    • DoozerDan silver member
      August 10
      Edit | Reply
      Damn, that sucks. I hope you get it sorted! And thanks for clearing that up!


  • RegalTheft
    August 4

    Edit | Reply
    ... I don't like this woman.

    Obviously I go for the Maroons, since I'm a Queenslander (even though I originally resided in NSW). Since I've really gotten into the game (3 years ago), they haven't disappointed me.

    I think this story shows a very good woman's perspective of the State Of Origin, even though I know a couple of gals who admire it (they go for NSW, unfortunately).

    Good read, Danny boy. Keep it up!

    --RT


    • DoozerDan silver member
      August 7
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe, I knew I'd make some friends with this one.

      I know some gals (one in particular) who go for it, she goes for Maroons though. I have no end of fun paying sport out round them.

      Glad you enjoyed.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • No Comment
    July 27

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done, I can see why this was in the spotlight. Keep up the good work and until next time,

    Soul


  • BenjaminAJD
    July 26
    Edit | Reply
    The double entendre in the first paragraph detracts fro, not enhances, the story.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 26
      Edit | Reply
      That depends entirely on your sense of humour. If you don't find it amusing, it detracts, if you find it amusing, it enhances.

      I'm guessing you probably like State of Origin which is why it detracts, for you.


  • Trillian
    July 25

    Edit | Reply
    Haha I looved it xD Your woman's point of view is surprisingly good. Is there something you're not telling us? xD Anyways.... let's see. An honest critique. Well, my critique is that I really liked it, lol. I'm surprised you haven't won anything yet! Well, I wish you luck. Keep writing!
    ~Dasha~ =)


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 25
      Edit | Reply
      Heh, funny, funny.

      Well, as I only just wrote it, none of the comps I've entered have finished yet, give it time.

      Thanks for reading, commenting, enjoying and applauding.


  • Kaori-Chan
    July 24
    Edit | Reply
    That was really good, i liked it.


  • Intrepid
    July 24

    Edit | Reply
    Ah me too well i kinda hate all sports but this was written well and was very convincing .. I think for a womans point of view it was constructed well and the fact that you took time to work through your work is great

    well done I wish you well in the contests you have entered.

    Blair


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 25
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you muchly. I'm really glad I took on the challenge, it has proved well worth the effort.

      Thanks for reading, commenting, enjoying and applauding!


  • Elisabeth Greeters member
    July 23

    Edit | Reply
    This is funny and pretty much what I think about "Mugby." I support 'Port' and 'Swans' in the aerial ping-pong known as Aussie Rules. Being an ex-SA Pom, I still lean to REAL Football, euphemistically known as Soccer.

    You didn't mention the warm beer she would have spilled down the neck of the Neanderthal in front of her! That would have been my first move.

    Good laugh and cleverly written. Can I read the rest of her blog?

    Lis.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 25
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe. Mugby.. I might have to fit that in there somewhere, or maybe if I do later blogs by her.

      Well, to spill beer, she'd have beer. Dunno if she likes beer or not. Maybe a later blog.

      Glad you enjoyed it, and no, no more blog to read yet. But I like her, so I'll prolly be writing some more blogs by her. Hmm, thinking next time State of Origin is on, more fun blogs to write.

      Thanks for reading, commenting, enjoying and applauding!


  • Aaez
    July 23
    Edit | Reply
    HAhahaha! xD xD
    This story is kinda funny.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 23
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the applause.

  • daftweejimmy gold member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    Just a thought, Dan. If it's not conversation, don't abbreviate words, eg Para 23 would read better if you said aomething like "It took time but not much trouble to find their seats. They were just in time for the start of the game."

    Para 26; "blue garbed" needs hyphenating.

    Para 41; 2nd sentence, lose the comma after "But".

    That apart, the spelling and grammar are excellent. The story itself does have a touch of the feminine about it, although it's a stunt I pulled once in similar circumstances. It's probably the best way to make sure you're never forced to attend something you don't like, although it does seem a touch suicidal.

    my only real criticism, and it's rather more to do with technique, is its brevity. I felt it might have been better tobuild the tension more slowly, or, failing that, have the whole thing as a blog. nevertheless, I was impressed with the humour (albeit a little lavatorial for my taste), because this had a wicked sense of fun, which would tickle anyone who has been forced into a similar situation.

    Overall, not bad at all!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 22
      Edit | Reply
      Hey Jimmy, thanks for popping by, glad you enjoyed it.

      Well, tension I build as slow as I could, but only having 750 words to play with, could only build it so slowly. And having the whole thing a blog would be boring. But I likes it like this, it's a change from my usually slap-stick shtick.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!

  • Spiderboy123
    July 21
    Edit | Reply

    omg

    awesome dude!


  • Myra La-Ryn
    July 21

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    This is really cool. i like the way you developed Agatha. She's really well done and realistic/relatable. The blog and prank was also really funny. I liked the way you made Walter also, although, in a longer version, he could be more in depth.
    Heard Hot Fuzz was funny, and thought the first Pirate movie was the best. You?
    Good luck!

    . Rewarded 6