Simple Game Turned Into Near Death Experiance ( used #4 )

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That year, we found out why having snow fights in an avalanche area isn't encouraged.....2

My sister and I are both 17 and ready for a summer love. But, just as summer vacation started, my father sprang a surprise trip on us. He said he wouldn't tell us where we were going, but he did say that our mother loved to go there. My sister and I, twin girls, never got to meet our mother because she passed away a year after we were born. My dad knew we would go if it had anything to do with mom, so we were both game. Little did we know that this summer vacation would almost be our last.3

" Dad," I moaned," Why can't we just spend a week at the beach back home in California?" We've been aboard a flight now for 4 hours now and my sister and I were both getting restless. " Be patient Roni. We'll be there soon," my dad promised. " Yeah right," Sheryll mumbled under her breath. " Veronica, we're lucky if we even get anywhere by now. We couldn't just have a normal vacation in the sun. Oh no! We have to fly in a plane for 5 hours to god knows where," she complained to me. " Oh sis. Don’t be so negative! We'll get there soon," I told her, praying that what I was saying was true.4

" Our flight will be landing momentarily," the flight attendant told us passengers," in Juno Alaska." Wait, my ears must have heard wrong. " Once again we'll be landing momentarily in Juno Alaska," the flight attendant said once again. " WHAT," my sis and I said in unison. " You've got to be kidding me. So, we go away for SUMMER vacation, and we go somewhere that always snows," Sheryll stated, outraged." It'll be great it's beautiful here. We're even going to stay at the same hotel your mother and I used to stay in," our father reassured us. 5

" Welcome to Juno, Alaska! I hope your stay here at the Snowy Inn is up to your expectations," the man at the check in desk said kindly. " Look! It's snowing! It's so beautiful," I remarked. " Sheryll came to stand by me at the window. And then we spotted something that we never thought possible. Hot guys were here, staying at this Inn! They were having a snow fight outside, and it looked like fun. Sheryll and I both exchanged glances, and my brilliant sister went to work. " Hey dad, I really like it here. It's great. So, I was wondering, since it's snowing, can sis and I go at and have a snow fight?" She sounded so convincing, and of course my dad said yes. 6

We ran outside together, laughing, and started our own snow fight suspiciously close to the boys. " He you girls over there, wanna hang out with us?" It was the, what seemed to be, the leader of the group; he was the cutest of them all. " Sure," We both replied at the same time. " Great. Hey, um, we're heading up the mountain a bit to continue our snowball fight. It's more fun up there. You game?" Now he was so convincing and, because we were to charmed to speak, Rachel and I followed them.7

It took forever to climb up the mountain pass the boys were guiding us through, but we didn’t care. “ What’s that,” I asked Sheryll. In the distance there was some sort of sign. As we got closer, I could read what it said. The sign read as follows: Danger Avalanche Zone. Turn back Immediately! “ Roni! It says avalanche zone! We better turn back,” Sheryll told me in a frantic whisper. So I told the boys, casually,” Hey do you know this is an avalanche zone? It might not be to safe.” There was a moment of silence, and then they broke out in laughter. “ Awwww. Are you nervous sweetheart? Cuz we’d be glad to turn back. NOT! Geez what babies. Come on,” the leader urged; we still didn’t know their names. Sheryll and I continued on, all sense of fear gone. Who cares if it’s an avalanche zone? I mean we were with really hot guys so nothing could go wrong. Right?8

We finally reached our destination, wherever that was. “ Alright let’s begin,” the leader shouted. And then the game was on. We all were throwing snowballs at each other, screaming, laughing, and having a great time.9

Until, the something wrong happened. All of a sudden an earthquake rumbled under our feet. But, strangely, the sound came from above us not below us. Sheryll and I both look up to see a big wave of snow and rocks tumble down the hill. “ RUN,” I screamed in alarm. I grabbed Sheryll’s arm and turned to see all the boys making a run for it. Sis and I were on the far side of the “playing” field, and there was no escape. I decided to just make a run for it and get as far as I could. It was like life was going in slow motion, like in those James Bond movies. Time was not on our side but that did stop our feet. Sheryll and I continued to run, literally, for our life. We were almost there, so close and then sis tripped. “ Roni! Go, Roni! Just go,” she screamed at me.10

But I couldn’t I ran to her, picked her up in my arms, and ran to the safety zone. I glanced up for a moment to see the avalanche coming closer and closer. It shadowed the blue sky above us. “ No! I’m not going to die here! I’m going to make it,” I screamed. And with the last bit of energy that my legs had, I ran into the light. “ We made it! We actually made it,” Sheryll screamed. We did make it. We made it out alive. That year, we found out why having snow fights in an avalanche area isn't encouraged. Just for some stupid hot guys, our lives almost ended. Never again will I Veronica or my twin sister Sheryll ever make that mistake again.11

Please give me any comments on how I cold improve my story. Don't hold back, constructive criticism is good!!

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  • daftweejimmy gold member
    July 19, 2008

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    Please don't get me wrong, but......

    I like the thrust of your story, and the storyline itself. It's simple, direct, and has drama BUT think of the poor old judge!

    Blue on black isn't easy to read. I'm not a youngster, and this wasa quite tough. Now, there's plenty of time to have another edit of this, and I really think you should edit your grammar, especially the dialogue.

    An essential part in identifying who says what is that each quote has a paragraph of its own; you haven't always done this, and it can be confusing for a dumb old so-and-so like me.

    It also seemed that you wanted to get into the action really quickly, so think of how long your introduction took. If you want a slow build-up, try to make your lead-up to the action a little more detailed. I felt that the father in this piece was almost incidental. Would he have perhaps warned the girls of the dangers, since he and their mother had been there before?

    What about having to check in to the hotel? Maybe meet the boys there, some insight into their characters, how much they knew about the place, which ones you wanted for yourselves, all the sort of detail that could make this slightly less shallow.

    And I hate to say it, but all you did was put down an outline without either building the sense of menace or the potential for fun versus danger.

    I hope you find this constructive, but if you need to have a rant at me, feel free, I've got thick skin.