The One Steve Thought He Was

"Here's the problem guys.  Listen carefully.  Eldorado was a nice fellow.  Eldorado was ugly, but nice.  Jackie didn't like Eldorado.  Jackie liked John, John liked Rachel and Rachel was going out with Bill.  Bill liked Jackie and Jackie liked John.  Rachel was the sister of Jackie and Eldorado was the brother of Bill.  John was alone.  Who did Eldorado like?"1

"Jackie," said Steve.2

"This is a math problem?"  Answered Dan.3

"Apparently so. . ." Replied Susan looking in the back of the book, "And the answer: undefined."4

"What the heck!"5

"I'm with Dan on this answer.  What the heck?"6

"Well, boys, think about it.  There's no evidence in the evidence that he likes anyone or dislikes anyone."7

"You realise how dumb saying evidence twice in a row like that sounds?" Said Steve.8

"Yes, I do, now," laughed Susan.9

"Still, why is this a math question?"  Pointed out Dan.10

"I think I'm going to retire from math."11

"You boys are helpless." Susan sighed.  "We're almost half way done.  We only have eight more problem solving questions to go through."12

"Again, I think I'll retire from math."  Whined Steve.13

"Dude!  Chicks!" Steve reached across the library table and back-handed Dan's arm as he pointed toward the entrance.  Both of the dogs lost sight of the math problems and were mesmerized by the young ladies who entered.  14

Susan was disappointed.  She wished the guys noticed her once and a while.  She slapped Dan, her boyfriend, in the arm and cleared her throat.  "Hey boys, remember math?  Our friend, who is due tomorrow?"15

"Ow!  For crying out loud, Susan."16

"Oh, I'm sorry Dan, I thought you had a girlfriend, but then I could be wrong?"  With those words, Susan and Dan aired their own squabbling soap opera and Steve felt like having some popcorn to go with the show.  Steve watched his bickering friends and wondered how long their relationship would last.  He remembered Billy Joel's song "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" and the characters Brenda and Eddie.  Brenda and Eddie, two high school sweet hearts that went all the way into marriage and then got divorced in the end.  Steve thought Susan and Dan were great, don't get him wrong, but he didn't think they'd make it.   17

"Yea dude, that was a test and you just failed." Steve winked at Susan and smiled.18

She returned his gaze, perplexed, with a raised eyebrow.  "You're such a goof," she said.  19

Girls don't like goofs, Steve thought.  Dan was an all right guy, and his best friend, but he was a jerk and that's why Susan liked Dan.  Steve was a nice guy, but "Nice Guys Finish Last" says Green Day.  Steve was impressed by his own philosophy of love found in music.  At least Steve was impressed with his philosophy of love, that is, until he saw a Jerry Springer episode called "Nice Guys Finish Last" where cheating spouses were exposed to their loyal partners.20

Steve looked back at the math problem, again.  He felt like Eldorado, but he was more like John.  Susan didn't have a sister.  He wondered who Jackie was, and then he realised the solution to the problem: undefined.21