Downfall

‘If I don’t tell you this now, I’ll be dead before I do and I just want you to know this.’ Said Brendon, tying to catch his breath, as he stormed into the – except for Ryan – completely empty room. 1

He had know he would find Ryan there. He known he wouldn’t find her there. He had known it would be just the two of them. He didn’t want any audience when making huge confessions. Especially for this one and especially for this one when the audience included Keltie Colleen. 2

And there Ryan stood, in one hand holding a paint roller. This whole moving-in thing sucked, Brendon thought, as he looked at what a mess their future home was.3

I was the entire Ryan-has-a-girlfriend-thing that sucked, really. It was the whole why-did-I-agree-on-having-this-slut-as-our-employee?- and the whole Keltie-exists-thing that bothered him.4

Brendon knew he looked like shit, right now. He knew that in five minutes he, most likely, would feel like shit, too. And he knew that the five minutes in between, would be the most important five minutes in his whole 21 year existence. He knew too, that in the five minutes he would make himself look like a complete fool. Afterwards their friendship would be over and he was going to be kicked out of the band, the same way they had done to Brent. 5

On top of that he would have lost every last bit of dignity he felt, Ryan would hate him and he would never be able to show his face again. He would be forced to flee to Singapore or Siberia and wait there until he’d die.6

As Brendon entered the room, he asked himself why on earth he was doing this again. Suddenly it seemed and awful idea. But the again, once Keltie and Ryan would be settled, maybe after the were married and had kids, it would be way too late. You can’t say to your kid ‘daddy ran away because he liked his best friend better than me.’ It had been too late the day Ryan and our Cheap Slut shook hands, Brendon realised, now. But it wasn’t too, too late. It only would become quite... complicated. It only would be too late if he’d pass this change up and if he’d back out.7

In good hope, all fingers crossed: There he went. He put his foot on the doorstep and had now officially entered the room.8

‘You sound like a pseudo-freakish mad man. What on earth are you talking about?’ Ryan laughed as he turned away from the wall he was trying to paint, to Brendon. There was a huge grin painted on his face, and a suspicious look written in his eyes.9

For a moment he looked just like Ryan-from-the-old-days, but within seconds he transformed back to the bound-to-Keltie-Ryan and the playful look in his eyes had disappeared from his eyes. It was a Ryan Brendon had never thought of it could exist. One he hated with all his heart, and on that had made Brendon love and want the kid even more.10

‘Could you just keep your lame jokes to yourself and shut up for a minute to listen t me and the important thing I’ve got to say?’ It was way more bitchy than anything Brendon would have ever said to the old Ryan. Since Keltie was on stage, dominating théir freak show, everything had changed. 11

‘Okay, then what is it? The thing that’s more important than humour and you need to tell me?’ He tried to say it really cool, like he couldn’t care less. Probably it was something silly anyway. But Brendon could detect curiosity, twinkle in Ryan’s drop dead gorgeous eyes. He hated himself to death: it had been the absolute worst thing he had ever got himself into, standing there, with no way out – once Ryan Ross was curious, you had to tell him what you were planning to, a “no” was not accepted – except for falling in love with the boy in the first place, maybe. 12

It might have been possible to avoid having to emigrate to Siberia, if only he could turn around and walk away from the apartment, so he could down himself in gin tonic and forget that either he or Ryan existed.13

Too bad for him, the probability an attempt to run away from a curious Ryan was successful, was about o.o1%.14

Most likely Ryan would make a safe box fall from the sky to blockade the door, or to shatter your abdomen. Then he would torture you until he knew what he wanted to know.15

Innocent and cute. Yeah right. CRUEL. 16

‘No Nothing. Never mind.’17

‘Tell me, ass! It was obvious you wanted to tell me something. So bring it on!’18

‘No, really. It’s nothing. I was just being sill and... Espresso’s half price at the Starbucks.’ Brendon tried to save his ass.19

‘Brendon Urie,’ Ryan said as he put his paint roller down and walked towards the boy in front of him, who could only wish he’d have a heart-attack within five seconds. ‘You’re a strange man and I certainly do not believe you.’20

‘It really is half price!’21

‘I meant I didn’t believe low-budget Espresso was the reason you came all way to see me. And I neither believe it would have been a big deal if you’d die without telling me that it was half price.’22

‘Oh, I see.’ Brendon mumbled, pretending he was stupid. He was a dead man, he knew for sure. 23

‘So, are you going to tell me what the big thing is? Cause I really want to know, you know. You made me curious and such.’24

‘Really? You can’t tell.’ Ryan was begging without going on his knees or the puppy-eyes. He was screaming without raising his voice or even using his vocals. 25

His brown eyes Brendon loved so much – though they weren’t able to see, so – were looking serious at Brendon’s. Not joking or playing. Not amused, or concerned. Just serious. As if they were trying to say: ‘You can tell us.’26

When Brendon thought about the potentional-Ryan-and-Keltie-married-and-having-kids-issue, he just wanted to scream those three little words that were on his sleeve, from the window. It made him want to sing his love for Ryan from the top of his longs, standing on the highest building in town. Glue their hands together so Ryan would never leave him and such. 27

When he thought about Siberia and how he didn’t speak Siberian – or whatever Chinese language they speak ver there – he just wanted to die and spend eternity in his coffin.28

‘You really want to know what I wanted to tell you?’ Stalling, Brendon. You’re stalling! Brendon thought. He knew Ryan was thinking the same thing, too, but the boy just nodded and waited. Not really showing any emotions on his face, but just waiting for what was going to happen.29

‘Okay,’ Brendon said. He found last bits of courage somewhere in his toes and pressed his lips against Ryan’s, deciding words wouldn’t do the trick and would make him look like a complete idiot. Even more like a complete idiot. He felt Ryan freeze and the moment their lips touched, he had known it was the most stupid and the last thing he had ever don in his life. His life was over.30

He would have to move to Iceland and become a farmer called Björn Kjelsbergen.31

He hated himself.32

But then he kissed back. He kissed back! Ryan’s lips set the other boy on fire as his tongue explored Brendon’s mouth. Brendon moaned softly and wasn’t quite sure whether he was awake or not, but decided that the fact he could feel how Ryan was now nibbling on his lip would do as proof he was.33

He couldn’t help but let out another moan as Ryan’s hand was running down his torso. His tall fingers caressing the textile. While he was doing so, their lips disconnected. Brendon started kissing the boy’s neck, leaving “his mark”. The kind that would show up in the morning – despite the fact it was midday. As soon as Ryan got the hang of the showing-up-thing, he made Brendon stop by kissing him on his lips again. Brendon immediately opened his mouth, letting Ryan’s tongue in. A battle, fighting for the lead. Brendon won.34

He started to unbutton Ryan’s shirt and pushed him against the – wet, he only realised when it was too late – wall. 35

Immediately their lips disconnected, Brendon taking a step back to create distance again. An awkward silence swept over them. 36

‘What the hell just happened?’ Ryan asked, while he buttoned his shirt again. 37

‘I kissed you, you kissed me.’ Brendon replied quickly, deliberately not looking at Ryan, ashamed of what just had happened. He never should have done this. He should have just shut up and smile. Try to be happy for his friend and find himself another fuckbuddy. But instead he chose to humiliate himself, to end his life and to make Ryan hate him.38

‘If you’d excuse me.’ Ryan said awkwardly, not facing Brendon and he walked out of the door. Goodbye, Ryan.39

‘Look, Bren. Here’s he thing. I love Keltie. You might think she’s a cheap whore – seriously, you’re such a sorry actor – but I love her. We’re moving because we love each other. That’s why I’m painting this damn wall in the first place. You see,’ he said after he had turned around in the doorway, the very moment Brendon thought Ryan would walk out of his life for good. The next moment he had though Ryan had come to realisation he made a mistake banning Brendon out of his life. And the one after that one, Ryan was barfing his Boy-loves-girl-speech-vomit all over Brendon’s soul. ‘Whatever wet dream you had, or whatever sick fan fodder you read about us, I don’t fucking care. I won’t be the downfall of my relationship with Keltie. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m walking out of here.’ I do mind, Brendon thought but shut up. Today he had spoken his mind enough for a lifetime. ‘Goodbye, Brendon Urie. Thanks a lot for calling this upon us. Just so you know, I’m so not going to be the one to tell that either Panic at the Disco do no longer exist, or that you are Ryan Ross-less. Neither to Jon and Spence, nor to the world. 40

I’m washing my hands off this madness. Save your own butt and sort this mess out on your own. You’re no longer my problem, Brendon.’ Ryan stabbed his words like knifes into Brendon’s heart and left him to bleed on the floor of his apartment. 41

He didn’t know how, he didn’t know why, but the next moment he lay on the floor, listening how Ryan closed the door one floor beneath him. Shaking.42

He imagined how Ryan would disappear in the crowd. Wear his dark grey coat, made of felt. He imagined how Ryan would take the underground to the centre, where he would crush into a seat of nearest Starbucks. Ordering Espresso for half the price. Brendon imagined how Ryan’s lips embrace the steaming hot cup of coffee.43

When he blinked with his eyes, Brendon realised he wasn’t looking at Ryan drinking coffee, but that he was staring at the ceiling of Ryan’s apartment, where he was lying after he had done the most stupid thing he could have possibly done.44

The tears he shed ran like razorblades down his cheeks. The heartache. The sorrow and his regrets of the choices he’d made. They torn him apart, crushed everything Brendon Urie had once been. They made him fall into pieces, left him lying there on the floor. Shattered. Bound to just lie there until someone would find him, cause he had no longer the will to move.45

‘If it wasn’t for the fact you look like you’re just hit by a bus and if hiding bodies weren’t a cime, I’d kick you out of my house.’ He didn’t know how long he had spent in Ryan’s house staring at the ceiling and he didn’t really care, either.46

But when he heard a vice, talking to him, he was shocked and his hert skipped a beat or two. He hadn’t expected to ever again hear a sound, other than his own breathing, the sounds of the city and the ticking of a clock. He hadn’t expected to ever again have to face someone and to talk to them. Honestly, he had truly believed he would just lie there, staring at the ceiling, waiting till he would finally die. That’s what he would have preferred. 47

‘Don’t worry, I’m already leaving.’ I snorted and stood up, feeling what happens if a body lies on a hard, cold floor for a day.48

‘What? Oh, no, don’t bother.’ Keltie smiled. She smiled. A smile that looks fake without the person to whom the smile belonged noticing. One fulfilled with arrogance and smug. ‘I was just here to pick up some stuff Ryan had forgotten. He didn’t want to go, because he had the utterly stupid idea you might still be here – guess he knows you better than I knew. You scared the hell out of him and I reckon he never wants to speak to you again.’ So I figured, smart ass. Brendon thought. In her voice was this sound of triumph. An evil Gna!-I-got-the-boy-in-the-end-grin formed her lips. Ryan might have been too blind to see that kiss coming, Keltie definitely hadn’t. And besides she was over-protective and bossy over Ryan around everyone. He was like a trophy to her. ‘Anyway, I’ve got everything here, I’ll leave yourself to your thoughts as I go to the kitchen to gather somewhat more stuff. Could you please make sure you’re done here before next Monday? Cause the laminate will be done, then. Oh, and, I’d prefer you not to die whilst pining away with self-pithiness. It would save us a lot of trouble.’49

‘Seriously, I should go. Half priced Espresso at the Starbucks and stuff. After all, Ryan can better be the downfall of our friendship than of Keltie Colleen’s sexlife.’ Since he hadn’t taken Keltie for someone who answers something clever on an insult like that, he had already moved himself towards the exit. But then she spoke. Softly, serious. Not arrogant at all.50

‘He wasn’t the downfall of your friendship, Brendon. You and your kiss were. Even if he would have kissed you back – if he would have decided he wanted to be the downfall of Keltie Colleen’s sex life - today would have been the end to your friendship. Your fate was sealed the moment your lips touched.’ Auch. 51

‘Now don’t get poetic or melodramatic, Colleen.’ Brendon Urie had lost. His last defence – sarcasm – could barely repress his tears. He had to get out of there.52

Being so focussed on just getting outside, he hadn’t made any notice of the other creature, about to walk the stairs. It was only when he almost crushed into him, he saw it was Ryan (actually, it was only then when he saw it was SOMEONE. It took him somewhat longer it had been his friend). 53

‘I knew it.’ Ryan mumbled. He didn’t bother to say anything to Brendon. In his mind, Brendon was dead an Keltie the only one who really mattered.54

Brendon sighed and walked into the cold night. It was snowing. He could hear people talking through the opened window, one floor above his head. He only got one line before he blocked them out of his system.55

‘I think we’ll have to paint that wall again.’56