Lyone's Den -- Nineteen

"Dr. Johanning will be right with you, Mr. Washer," a secretary popped her head in the office to tell me.1

"Okay, thanks, a lot," I replied and sat on the lounge-chair. 2

I looked around the room. Nothing changed much, ever. I stood back up and looked around the room. I walked to her bookshelf and read off the titles to myself. I stopped when I got to Oedipus Rex and pulled it from the shelf. It was just a blank brown cover with the title and author. I flipped through the thin book and read a few lines. The office door open and closed and I turned, guilty.3

"You can borrow it if you like," Dr. Karen Johanning said. 4

"I might, thank you." I looked her up and down. "Are you okay?" I asked.5

"Yes, I'm fine. Just a little morning sickness." She glowed as she said it. 6

"Oh, wow, congratulations."7

"Thank you. It's my first. Please, take a seat," she offered and walked over to her own purple chair. 8

"I would really like to have kids, someday," I said.9

"That's a wonderful thing to want when you're ready for it."10

"There's a problem, though."11

"What's that?"12

"I'm a guy," I stated the obvious. "Who likes guys. Two guys cannot have a baby together. I never really thought about it much, but it seems everything lately is going baby-crazy. Then there's Trev and his baby. He's a wonderful father, and London's made me realize how much I like kids and how much I want one, but it's impossible."13

"Lyone, with today's technology, there's artificial insemination and serrogate mothers. There's always adoption, too. Don't be down when you have the advantage of doing something truly wonder for a child, like adoption."14

"I've thought of that, but I really want my own. I don't mean to sound like I would love an adopted child any less."15

"I understand what you mean, Lyone. A lot of people feel that way."16

"I don't know what to do about it, though. How do I just find some woman to carry my baby for me? I guess it's just depressing that me and my partner, who ever it is, will never be able to be able to just have a night of passion and have it result in us creating a baby together out of our love. No matter what, it'll be a test-tube baby, and then only one of us would be able to actually be related to it."17

"It's not about how the egg is furtalized, it's about what you do with it afterward. They're are many, many people who were created in vain, through one-night stands, drunked parties, or even rapings. That's not the important part, though. The important thing is that you love that child no matter what and you strive to raise it to the best of your ability, and watch out for it, and care for it, and love it. I never even knew my real parents. I went through foster homes until I was nine years-old when Mom and Dad finally adopted me and they showed me a love that no one else ever had before. They showed me I could trust them and love them back. I was told my birth-mother was raped and got pregnant with me, and when I was born, she couldn't stand the shame and constant reminder of that tragedy, so she got rid of me."18

"Wow, have you ever tried to find who she is?" I asked. 19

"No. She hardly ever entered my mind. Why should I go out looking for her? Here were these wonderful people that took me into their home, and raised me, and loved me like I was their own. I never even thought to go looking for her until a couple of years ago. It was just a passing thought, though. So, you see, Lyone. It doesn't matter how a baby is created as long as you nurture it and love it."20

"I see Trevor with London and I see how much he loves that baby and how good he is with him, and I think about Trevor's girlfriend, and how much they loved each other, and they made this beautiful and wonderful baby together, and now London's all he has left of her."21

"How are things with Trevor going, anyway?"22

I took a deep breath. "Well... He still loves me and I still love Greg, but I've afraid I've led him on. I told him that I don't love him, but I think he thinks I will, or that I already do and I just don't know it. He kind of slips in little hints every now and then. He said he wants to help me with my situation with Greg and keeps trying to convince me that Greg is gay. I told him even if he was, he wouldn't love someone like me. Trevor said, 'Who couldn't?' and then something about how Greg already does, he just won't admit it to himself, yet. I'm pretty sure sure Trevor was trying to imply that I love him. It's so hard and confusing, and it doesn't help that I keep..." I stopped. I wasn't sure how to word it.23

"Keep...?" she beckoned me.24

"Kissing him and stuff. Like, we're kind of friends with benefits right now. It's kind of weird, because I know he loves me, but I don't have any will power to stop myself, and it's so good." I paused for a second. "Sorry, that was probably too much, huh?" 25

"There's never too much for a doctor. Please, continue."26

"He's really attractive, and he's such a great friend, and he's really vulnerable. I keep taking advantage of him, because I'm a horny guy, to put it bluntly. I'm really afraid I'm going to hurt him. I've made it clear that I don't feel anything emotionally for him. I want to stop all this with him, but at the same time I'm afraid I'll hurt him even more if I turn him down. I know I'm a pathetic pig. I do really love him, but just as a friend. I'm not in love with him."27

"Lyone, as a professional advisor, there's not much I can say about this. There really isn't." I looked down and sighed, a little disapointed. "But," Dr. Karen Johanning started and placed a hand on mine. I looked up. "As a friend, I would advise that if you can't see yourself in a relationship with Trevor, if you don't feel anything for him emotionally, then I would say to stop fooling around with him. It might hurt him a little at first, but it'll be much better in the long-run. If you let it go on much longer like it has, he may start getting the wrong idea about it without even realizing it. That's what I would tell you as a friend," she said and winked. 28

I smiled a little. "Well, Dr. Johanning, aside from Trevor, you're my only friend," I offered. 29

The doctor-patient relationship between Dr. Johanning and myself seemed to be getting a little less professional lately. Is it possible I could actually be making friends with my psychologist? There was no doubt that I trusted her, but it seemed like she trusted me in the same way, like she would trust me and take any advice I would give to her during a time of distress. It was a nice feeling. 30

She rolled her wrist and glanced at her watch.31

"That time already?" I asked.32

She nodded. 33

I sighed. "It goes by so fast." I stood and stretched. 34

She walked me to the door and opened it. As she shook my hand she said, "Promise me something, Lyone. When you finally have your babies, call me up and we'll have a play date with them." She rubbed her belly with her other hand.35

I smiled. "Okay, Dr. Johanning, but only if you promise to name it after me. That's Lyone Matches Washer." I grinned stupidly and left.