Johnny looked down at me, his poisonous green eyes flashing and a tiny smile adorning his lips. I shot a tender smile back up at him, hiding my crooked teeth, and winked. 1
“June, you’re so strange,” he said, leaning down to tousle my hair. I laughed. We were sitting in his living room together roasting marshmallows over an array of candles- his redneck idea of a cookout. He was at the edge of his couch and I was laying nearby upside-down on their big, fluffy armchair, my head down at the base and my feet up on top. 2
“Yup, but that’s why you love me,” I shot back, reaching up for a marshmallow and sticking it on my fork. “You never know what I’ll do next.”3
Johnny smirked at me and took my fork away. I pouted and flipped off the chair, landing awful close to the lit candles on the coffee table. Johnny’s hands pulled me to the couch as quickly as I had landed. I giggled and started to sit up. He wouldn’t let me. 4
“Hey!” I protested as he put down my marshmallow, blew out the candles, and picked me up. 5
“What?” he asked innocently and carried me out of the room. 6
“Where are you taking me, who said you could pick me up, and I wanted that marshmallow!” I wailed. He laughed. 7
“There’ll be plenty of time for marshmallows later, darling,” he assured me and marched right out his front door. I crossed my arms and pouted, looking away from him. He smiled down at me and gave me a soft look. 8
“Fine, I’ll get your marshmallow.,” he gave in with a sigh. “Would that make you happy?” he asked. 9
“Exceedingly so,” I replied. He set me on my feet and returned to the house. As soon as the screen door closed, I took off running. 10
I was at least fifteen seconds away- not very far for me- when he saw me and the chase was on. 11
It didn’t take him long to catch me- it never does- and drag me out to the Treehouse. The Treehouse was our spot, a small platform nailed onto a tree with a bunch of boards nailed up the side to get up to it. It was where he had asked me out and where we had our first kiss. It was our ritual to go up there every now and so often. 12
“Ladies first,” he said, gesturing up the tree. I stuck my tongue out at him and started climbing up. He followed right behind me as soon as I reached the top. 13
“So I’m guessing I’m not getting that marshmallow,” I joked once we were seated securely on the large wooden square. 14
“You can have anything you want,” he replied warmly, pulling two marshmallows from his pocket along with toothpicks and his dad‘s cigarette lighter. I shrieked in delight and gently took the delicate little thing from him. We set up the marshmallow ensemble and he held the lighter to them. We let them catch fire for a few seconds before blowing out the small flame and revealing our perfectly charred marshmallows. 15
He looked at me and leaned back on one hand, his perfect marshmallow in the other. A sweet smile snuck across his face, one that I’m sure perfectly matched mine. 16
“To seven months, the happiest months of my life, and all the months and years to come,” he said, holding up his marshmallow. 17
“To love, and life with it,” I joined, lifting my marshmallow to his. He pressed his into mine firmly and all the marshmallow goo combined the two. 18
“Just like our souls,” he whispered. I smiled deeply, locking eyes with him. 19
“You are so cheesy,” I whispered back, though in reality the comment had sent chills down my spine, seeing as how I had been thinking close to the same thoughts. My soul mate winked and we leaned in toward our intertwined marshmallows, him eating mine off my finger and me eating his. 20
He took me in his arms and kissed me once I swallowed. I closed my eyes and kissed back. Kisses and marshmallows proved to be a perfect combination. When I pulled from his lips and opened my eyes, I saw that he was sitting there looking at me cross-eyed. 21
“You freak ball,” I said, pulling out of his grasp. “I have marshmallow all over my finger now,” I complained. Johnny responded by taking my hand in an exaggerated romantic way, and then sticking my finger in his mouth. 22
“EWW!” I screeched and pulled my finger away. “Now my finger’s covered in marshmallow and spit!” I whined. He laughed. I did too. 23
Twenty minutes later, I was on my way home. Johnny’s parents came home and I was kissing my boy good-bye. 24
He walked me up to the doorstep and kissed me one final time, sending chills up my spine from both the heat of the night and the heat of his kiss. 25
“Happy anniversary honey,” I murmured against his shoulder. He pulled me closer into the embrace. “I love you.”26
“Happy anniversary June, I love you too.”27
Author notes
From this the story opens up to other elements, but romance isn't my thing. This is a first attempt, and any and all help is welcome. Message me with ideas and suchlike.
My favorite colors differ depending on what day it is, but I never like dark purple or orange. HEY!!!
A contest entry
- Romance...and hopelessly cute love stories XD by Blackwings.
450 points, ended August 11, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Love Story Options by MizzNickJonas4eva.
238 points, ended August 22, 15 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything And Everything by ForgottenVoice.
200 points, ended October 25, 60 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
This is going to be the first chapter of my book. I need the most harsh criticism you can come up with, grammar, spelling, everything.
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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The comment:
I really enjoyed reading this piece, and especially enjoyed how you used marshmallows to define their love for one another. Simply remarkable.
Paragraphs 21 and 25 were my favorites. They were so sensational, though small. I'm surprised sometimes what some people can say in so few words.
Thank you for entering this in my contest.
I wish you luck in your future writerly endeavors,
Lady Editor
The crit:
“June, you’re so strange,” he said, leaning down to tousle my hair. I laughed. We were sitting in his living room together roasting marshmallows over an array of candles- his redneck idea of a cookout. He was at the edge of his couch and I was laying nearby upside-down on their big, fluffy armchair, my head down at the base and my feet up on top. [In sentence three, you say that they were sitting; however, in the last sentence, she is laying down. Also, there is no mention of any other people prior to this, so what is "their" indicating?]
“Fine, I’ll get your marshmallow.,” he gave in with a sigh. “Would that make you happy?” he asked. [With this part, there should be only a comma after marshmallow; also, since it is clear who is speaking, I would omit "he asked."]
It was our ritual to go up there every now and so often. [perhaps: It was our ritualy to go up there every now and then.]
“You are so cheesy,” I whispered back, though in reality the comment had sent chills down my spine, seeing as how I had been thinking close to the same thoughts. [What do you mean by "in reality"?]
“You freak ball,” I said, pulling out of his grasp. “I have marshmallow all over my finger now,” I complained. [Again, since it is clear that she is talking, I would omit "I complained."]
“EWW!” I screeched and pulled my finger away. “Now my finger’s covered in marshmallow and spit!” I whined. [I would omit "I whined."]
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ugh. I don't do harsh, especially with something that good! I love how you said that the girl shrieked in delight when he pulled the marshmellows out of his pocket. Especially because I would have done the same exact thing!
I guess the only thing I can really criticize is when June ran away. Why did she run away, and why did she do it often?
taht was the only thing that seemed unexplained to me
Great job!
Keep writing!~.~
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oh, I knew I was forgetting something! June ran away becuase she is modeled somewhat after me. She was just being playful and knew he would go chasing after her once he saw. She/I love the thrill of a chase and think it's really cute when the boy can catch me. Kind of strange, I know, but I guess I'll edit that in there.
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I like the fact that the story opens with a conversation. Immediately I become interested in the characters as people. The story always sounds better coming from the characters rather than the author
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Commentary Critique
You've asked for it
......
Parag. 2 Note: Use the past tense of laying. Instead of saying, “I was laying up against a tree and dreamed” try saying like “I was LYING up against the tree and dreamed”(hope that made sense).
Parag. 7 Note: Possibly insert question marks as a form of breaking up the miniature lengthy two-part question
Parag. 9 Note: The comma after the first ending quote marks( “ “
are unneeded.
Parag. 12
Note: Since you’re already established what the hangout spot was (title wise), you could start the second sentence with ‘It’.
Parag. 20
Note: Omit the ‘we’ because if you’re in referencing of you and him, then the word of ‘our’ signifies that.
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But nevertheless, I really had fun reading this story because it wasn’t overbearing but kept that form of lightheartedness about it. -
Hmmm, cute. It was fairly well writen. Some parts didn't mesh well together, but really there wasn't any problems. It was simple, yet cute. And may i add, very good for a first attempt!!!
Thanks for a cute read, and good luck with eveything!
KEEP WRITING!!!
-Melli<33 -
I liked this, it was sweet. Very well written too. Good job, for a first romance attempt, it was quite good. Nice job, but I noticed a small erroe in paragraqph 8, you wrote 'He smiled down at me and have me a soft look.' I think the 'have' was meant to be 'gave'.
Other than that, great job, and good luck in my contest!!
-Dani -
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thanks, I didn't quite catch that in paragraph 8
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Aw how sweet and corny! The whole story just made me go awww!
Good luck in my contest!
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good
there is some grammer, if i had time i would point them out. i would keep working with it. when you write a romance (constructive advice time) people want to be in love with the characters, and therefore, thier love story as well. add some inside jokes, detailed memories, small habbits that only one truly infatuated with love could see. smooth setting details also help set the stage for a more romantic visual. so pull out a dictionary and a thesaurus and go to town!
i liked this alot though, so keep going; build and construct with it and have fun! -
Marshmallow Souls!
Omg, this is so cool! This is like, the closest to my own romantic taste ever, out of everything I've ever read. (Most is fluff, and why I don't read romance anymore) WOW, yay for the marshmallow souls! That was very touching, as well as, well, touching. (get it, ahaha!) The marshmallow theme held the story together very well, with all its gooey goodness.
Haha, marshmallow and spit, indeed. He better clean that finger off better next time!
And I liked the treehouse location. That was cool.
I roast marshmallows over the stove top, myself. Very tasty, and perfection with minimal waiting.
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I really like this. It has humor and romance in it. Great job. I wish you the best of luck in my contest.
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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.... beautiful. I loved the realism in this. 'You are so cheesy' added so much to how realistic is was, while the sweet line above set the mood beautifully. So cute. And I love marshmallows. I sometimes use them as romantic sweets too! Which is weird, cause nobody else seems to. So awesome! Sorry it so long to return the favour to your read on 'Brotherly Love', I've had very little time on my hands. Thanks again for the read and comment on that, and thanks for such a great story! You definitely deserved gold!!
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SO CUTE!
I loved this! It was very good! And I loved marshmallows, so this got you some extra points! XD!
Congratulations on winning gold in that contest!
And I wish you the best of luck in my contest. This is going on my finalists list~
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LOVED IT! XD I totally loved the uniqueness of it. The characters were so funny! The situations were cute and funny and what a great combination ^.^ Nicely done and thanks sooooo much for entering in my contest ^.^
♥ Blackwings -
Awwww!!!!!!
Well,harsh you said...Ok,well,I think it would help to place a little bit of background information to help your reader understand what their relationship is quicker and just how close they are,How did they meet?How long have they known each other? What does June look like?But I think you are off to a great start!!!!
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For a first attempt, very well done! xD
However, you may wanna tone down the usage of "sweet", as it gets tiring after a while.
For the intro to a story, I think you need to leave us with more. Right now it seems like the story already ended happily ever after. xD
But other than that, you've done a great job with the rest of it.
-HT
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A great start! The connection between the two characters comes across as really sweet. I laughed at the marshmallow in the pocket part, I wondered how could the poor delicate thing have survived on a fork inside a pocket, while climbing a tree? lol. Wonderful job, can't wait to read the next chapter!
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This was sooooo cute! X) I LOVED it! It's so well written and everything in it is full of detail and creates areally cute picture ^.^ It made me laugh too ^.^ Nicely done!
♥ Blackwings
. Rewarded 4
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kawaiii!!!!!!
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WOW!
I really enjoyed this story alot. Very sweet! But you want some constructive criticism, so I'll give you that as well. I think you should go a little more in depth on who they are. I'd love to be able to imagine what both the characters look like. Also, as others on the comments have already old you, you need to add more feeling in it. I want to be able to feel the love their spewingg out of them. I want to see it in the words. Other then that, Great job! I'll be waiting for the next chapters!
. Rewarded 8
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Love It!
Thats great. Well done you!
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Honestly.
It's a nice piece of artwork, but kind of honestly, you'd need to work a bit more on it. Even though you don't really need to lengthen it, you might want to do so with a bit more feeling and perception. Like, what moonwriter said; add into their feelings. But aside from that, overall it made me want to read more. :D
Um, but.. >.> To be really honest, at first I thought the girl was actually just a little girl and Johnny was her dad >.< But I'm really REALLY stupid :D So don't listen to me. <3 I like this, and I'll keep watching for more ;D. Rewarded 8
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thanks! I'm glad I held your interest. I know exactly where I'm going with this story, but any idea you have is appreciated. -
He took me in his arms and kissed me once I swallowed. I closed my eyes and kissed back. When I opened them, I saw that he was sitting there looking at me cross-eyed. 20
“You freak ball,” I said, pulling out of his grasp. “I have marshmallow all over my finger now,” I complained. Johnny responded by sticking my finger in his mouth. 21
These two paragraphs seem a bit... abrupt. Rework them maybe.
Other than that, this is an adorable story =]
I hope to see more..
. Rewarded 8
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Okay, stretch out the paragraphs. I'll try that. Good advice, I was feeling like I rushed something.
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Yeah, the one that bugged me the most was.. how'd he get your hand? Like, if they were holding hands then state they were ^-^
Make sure you message me when more is up, I generally don't like romance but this one is just so dang cute >.<
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This was really cute. It was really good as a first attempt.
Now onto the constructive criticism. When writing romance, zoom in less on the overall actions and more on the feelings behind them. Go into how she felt around him. How he felt around her. Describe the kisses. How did they make her feel? How did they make him feel? Make us feel what their feeling as they experience this anniversary date.
Delve into the feelings behind the actions more and you'll have a better grip on romance. Maybe even give us a little background info, but since this is a book, I'm sure we'll learn more as the story progresses.
Really great job! -
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thanks. I'll remember that when I edit the chapter. I need it to be longer anyway.
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