Indecent Disposal

It was the principle of the thing really.  Not a question of 1

morality, at least not for me.  But really, one should not try to 2

dispose of a dead body in a garbage disposal.  The man, poor son of a 3

bitch, is already dead, tied to a kitchen chair.  The bleeding has 4

stopped.  We have to get rid of him, that much we know.  We're not going 5

to leave him there for his wife and children to find, I gave my word.  6

But the disposal for chrissake?  Dan's a god damn idiot and screwed up 7

this job, but for argument's sake, let's think about what it means to 8

put a body into a garbage disposal.9

We have to cut up the body.  Obviously a full grown man, and this 10

one's a bit heavier than most, from too much beer or just sheer love of 11

junk food, I don't know, but he's going to take a while to cut up.  And 12

we'll have to cut him up; we can't just chop off his arm at the shoulder 13

and drop it down the damn sink.  So, we start at the feet. The legs are 14

going to be a bitch, continue working our way up, it's like cutting up a 15

cow.  I enjoy a good steak as much as the next guy, but I'm not working 16

in a butcher's shop, ya dig?  And let's just say, again for argument's 17

sake, that the disposal doesn't burn out and break on the femur bone.18

Once the body is cut into small enough portions to actually put in the 19

disposal, we have to turn the damn thing on.  It is one thing to slit a 20

guy's throat from ear to ear, it's something else entirely to feed him, 21

piece by piece, into a garbage disposal and listen to his bones grind 22

up.  And what about his head?  Leg bones break and they can be sawed off 23

fairly quick with the Satterless Bone Saw that's in the trunk of my 24

car.  But the head?  You ever tried to stick an entire cauliflower down 25

the disposal?  The skull is made to protect the brain, even with the 26

bone saw; it would be one mighty bastard to cut in to.  Why go through 27

the task of cutting the body up, putting it in the disposal, and getting 28

stuck with the head?  Now, don't get me wrong, that bone saw is nine 29

inches of the most beautiful stainless steel blade available to a man 30

who needs to cut a bone.  I know it could cut through this guy's skull, 31

but god, what a time consuming mess!32

I think about voicing my concerns to Jimmy, who is currently 33

drinking one of the dead man's beers and tapping cigarette ashes into 34

the sink.  Dan is standing next to him, making a joke about the priest, 35

the prostitute, and the Irishman.  Jimmy's not laughing.  He's Irish and 36

he's Catholic and Dan is just pissing him off.37

Being pissed off is not a good state of mind to be in while trying 38

to think of an efficient way to dispose of a body.39

"So, what are we gonna do, Jimmy?"  It's a simple question, 40

really.  In my discreet way, I have once again vetoed the garbage 41

disposal idea.42

"You're the one who said you wouldn't leave him, asshole.  You 43

figure it out."44

Dan's eyes have a distant look.  "I wanna put 'im in the disposal."45

Jimmy rolls his eyes and I hop on the tile counter to think about this 46

for a minute.  The tile is cool under my palms, reassuring in some odd 47

way.  Why did I give my word to a guy I don't know?  Why in the hell am 48

I keeping it?  He's dead for chrissake!  Maybe this is where my morality 49

comes in.  I don't mind killing people for a living, most people are 50

assholes.  This guy seemed okay though.  Family man who got caught with 51

his dick in the wrong woman.  Happens to the best of us.  We don't want 52

the guy's wife and kids to see him strapped to a chair in a blood 53

splattered kitchen.  Dan did cut his throat after all.  54

I gotta tell you about this throat cutting business.  You've seen 55

the movies.  A guy gets his throat cut ear to ear.  Blood slowly 56

trickles from the cut, the man gasps.  After a minute or two of more 57

melodramatic gasping and maybe some hand clenching, the man slides to 58

the floor and dies.59

Real life is not so neat.  Think about it.  The neck is a pretty 60

damn strong muscle.  It supports your nine pound head for chrissake.  61

It's not difficult to cut through, don't get me wrong, unless you're 62

taking off the whole damn thing.  We didn't do that.  But if we put him 63

in the disposal, we're gonna have to.  Not that it'll be a problem.  In 64

addition to my Satterless Bone Saw, I also have a Liston Amputating 65

Knife, also with a nine inch blade, that is currently residing in Dan's 66

back pocket.  You may be wondering how I happened to come upon this 67

stuff.  The last job I had involved an Orthopedic Surgeon's wife.  He 68

left some tools out for me and I never bothered to take them out of my 69

trunk.  Ever the Boy Scout.70

Anyway, it's a fucking mess to slit a throat.  71

Imagine this:  You're scared the minute you open the door and see 72

Jimmy, Dan, and me standing there.  You realize that John, the guy whose 73

wife you've been banging, was not making empty threats to give you a new 74

smile just below your jaw line if you do not stay away from his god damn 75

woman.  You're thankful your wife and kids have gone to grandma's and 76

you're hoping, maybe praying, that you're going to get off with a good 77

ass kicking and some broken bones.78

You can't stay away from his wife.  You've tried.  But that woman 79

will not stop dropping by wrapped in her fur coat and nothing else.  80

What's a man to do?  You're hoping you can bullshit your way through.  81

You just need enough time to slip away and hide in the underbelly of 82

America somewhere.83

You think that Jimmy, Dan, and me, who are just doing our jobs, are 84

not completely stupid.  If I don't do my job, I die.  You realize this 85

and try to make a break for it but I grab you in a head lock and because 86

I outweigh you by a good 50 pounds, and that 50 pounds is not from too 87

much beer and pasta, it's from hours on end spent in a gym, you don't 88

really fight too hard.  Jimmy holds your arms and Dan straps you to a 89

kitchen chair with duct tape.  There's a little over a gallon of blood 90

circulating through your body right now.  You are trembling and making a 91

small, squeaky noise.92

"Listen, man," you begin.  You are directing your comments to me 93

because I'm just standing there.  Dan is rummaging through your kitchen 94

looking for god knows what.  I shake my head at you, hoping to indicate 95

that you shouldn't bother.   I don't really care what you have to say, 96

I'm just doing my job.  97

"Please, man," you continue, "Don't leave me here for my wife and 98

kids to see.  Don't let them find me like this."99

It's a reasonable request, not what I was expecting, and being that I'm 100

a family man myself, I agree.  I am a man of my word, even to the dead.  101

While I don't know you, don't give two shits about what's going to come 102

down, I understand that your wife and kids have nothing to do with this 103

mess you've gotten yourself into.104

The initial adrenaline surge has subsided a bit.  You are still 105

scared out of your mind, but you've come to realize that no amount of 106

begging is going to get you out of this situation.  You fucked up.  Your 107

concern at this point is your wife and kids and you understand you're a 108

living dead man.109

I have a little respect for that.  You're not whining anymore.   110

You're still crying a little bit, but not blubbering, and really it's 111

just tears trickling down your cheeks.  I don't think you're even aware 112

of it.113

Dan has given up his search for whatever he was looking for.  You 114

look at me as I pull the .22 from my coat pocket and stick it to your 115

temple.116

Dan whispers, "Wait," and before I can do anything he comes up from 117

behind and slices right below your ear.118

There is blood everywhere.119

"His throat! You fucking retard! You cut his god damn throat!" I am 120

yelling at Dan while Jimmy ducks behind the counter to avoid being 121

sprayed.  Dan started on the left side of your throat and stopped about 122

half way through.  The carotid artery makes a huge mess when cut, it's 123

connected directly to your pounding heart and the cabinets are 124

splattered in no time.125

There is nothing pretty about this business.  Nothing in slow 126

motion.  You aren't gasping for air because you can't.  You are just 127

sitting there, strapped in a chair, with your life spraying all over the 128

kitchen.129

So, ya see what I mean.  Hollywood is for pussies.  Real life just 130

ain't that clean.131

Now, we're back where we started.  What to do with the damn body?  132

Dan was pretty excited about the disposal idea, but Jimmy and I were 133

hesitant because of the time it would take.  Rigor mortis sets in and 134

bodies start to decay.  Then again, the plan had been to shoot the guy 135

in the head and leave him, not slit his damn throat.136

"He'll fit in my trunk," I offer, while Jimmy grabs another Pabst 137

from the dead man's refrigerator.138

Jimmy shrugs.  "Fuck it, man.  We can dump him in the lake.  I 139

didn't want to cut him all up anyways."140

Dan has been watching the flow of blood slow down and he looks 141

up. "I want to cut him up.  I know you got that bone saw, man, you 142

always got that thing with you.  Lemme cut him up."143

It's like watching a kid beg for candy at Wal-Mart, and even to me, 144

a guy who gets paid to kill people, it's disturbing.145

"No, Dan.  It's gonna take too much work and too much time.  Some 146

other job."147

Dan looks disappointed but offers his wife's cleaning services.  I 148

pull out my cell phone and give her a call.  She says she'll bring the 149

girls down as soon as we get the body out.  Those girls, they're so 150

squeamish around the bodies, but give them some cleanser and a scrub pad 151

and they can get blood out of anything.152

We load the body into the trunk of my car and head to the lake.  153

Jimmy and I decide to dispose of Dan there as well.  But that's a story 154

for another day.155