Psycho Dating Serial Killer, if you want to label me. But, I rather be called a picky guy. I first found my 'fetish' on a date with a girl named Donna Grey. She had a horrifying giggle that sounded like someone yanking on a hog's tail. It annoyed me so bad that I just wanted to jam a plastic fork in of her neck. I braced my thoughts and didn't act of them. But, I did realize that I didn't like imperfections. 1
I started dating women just to find the one without a flaw. It took me turning down eighteen women to find what I thought to be my girl. Lucy Gabel, a pretty thing with rose red lips and a hour glass body. Her laugh was perfect. I dated her twice before and she made me smile.. making her smile. That's when I saw it. She was SO PERFECT until I saw that gap in her teeth. The gap made me snap.2
I took her back to my place, which she smiled the whole way there. We walked into the house and I offered her a glass of wine. After, making her six glasses, I said "I want to show you something, Lucy." I brought her to the garage and had her sit on the washer. I gave her a long kiss, then pulled away from her. It took her about thirty seconds to realize that both her arms were strapped to either side of the washer. "What are you doing?" She whispered in a scratchy voice. Without a sound, I walked out of the room. Six minutes later the garage door opens. Next thing she knows, my car is outside roaring it's engine. Her eyes open wide and she screams. I hit the gas and launched toward, hitting her legs. I get out of the car and snatched her hair, pulling her body off of her legs.3
"What did I do wrong?" She said.4
I glared at her, "You smiled."5
With her last gasp, I snapped at her neck.6
Imperfections made me a monster.
A contest entry
- Call Me a Sicko... by Naive..
160 points, ended August 15, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I have to agree with the comment below me. This idea is very original and interesting, however the actual writing could use some work. Detail needs to be added along with mood. I'm in love with the idea, not with the execution.
Maybe you won't like this critique and you might not respect my opinion...but I am the judge of this contest and I have to be honest with you. I hope you'll understand.
Nice work.
Thanks for entering and good luck. =]
-jj
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Now *that* was *interesting*. Short. Very rough-draftish and in need of polish. A tiny bit disjointed, especially in the first half. But *interesting*. There's a fair amount of work to do to fix this up and make a full story of it, but it would be so worth the effort. So so so worth the effort.
I would really, really love it if you polished this. Let me put it this way -- you've got at least a week left in the contest, probably two. A polished version of this would be more than worth a finalist list spot. As it is, it's too raw to make a finalist. But I can all but guarantee a top-three spot if it's fixed.
The concepts in here are awesome, especially the home-based vehicular homicide. (I was also quite amused by the description of the woman with a laugh like a yanked hog's tail. Keep that!) It just feels more like a collection of ideas, notes for a story, rather than a finished piece. It only really starts to pull together in the second half.
I also have to commend you on the realism of your killer's concept. I can *very* easily see a real person with this exact trigger setup -- enraged by female flaws, blown all out of proportion in his own head. The only part that's not realistic is the way he kills her, but, quite frankly, it's too entertaining to complain about.
Thank you very much for entering! This is a good set of ideas even if you don't choose to polish it, but I strongly encourage you to.
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Your stories aren't good enough for me to take your advice into consideration. I'm taken my story out of the contest.
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Uh...
Well, first of all, you looked at *one* piece of mine. Which isn't even a story, it's a piece of free-written prose poetry. How, exactly, do you expect to be able to judge my story-writing abilities based on a one-off *poem*?
Second of all, I wasn't aware that you had to be a skilled/talented writer to know, as a *reader*, what works and doesn't work in a story you're reading.
Third of all, I wasn't aware that encouraging you to expand a really cool idea was going to come across as some sort of insult or rejection. I'm very sorry for bothering, quite honestly. Do what you will. Maybe someday you'll learn to tell a compliment from an insult.
You realize I was very close to putting this on the finalist list despite its flaws, in hopes you might do something more with it, right? And that your little burst of attitude just made you *not* get a trophy you were otherwise almost guaranteed to win? Good job. -
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I looked at 3. I didn't say that it was an insult at all. I just don't believe in listening to someone with lack of unique writing- no offense. My story works and you're not going to change my mind.
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I never said your story didn't work, I said it reads like a rough draft. Which it does. Unequivocally. What I write or don't write has absolutely nothing to do with my take on this as a *reader*. You seem to not understand this concept. I really hope you don't reject all critique by people whose writing you don't care for, because you're missing out on a lot of good advice that way.
Also, which three things did you look at -- the top three? *None* of which are stories? Quite honestly, if you don't think my work has unique elements, you didn't look at my work. You may have glanced indiscriminately at the most recent things I've uploaded, but you didn't actually give my work a chance. You decided to go find a reason to reject what I said because you didn't like it, for whatever reason, which I frankly find incomprehensible. I still don't understand why you reacted so badly to what amounted to fawning praise, but whatever. My sincerest apologies for bothering you. -
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omg! I don't care about criticism. I like my story that way it is. It was a 3 year old poem and I made a story out of it. I changed them both alot and I'm happy with it. Don't change something that makes you happy.. no matter what everyone else thinks.
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I understand that you like it how it is. I like it how it is too.
However, I also thought there was room in the universe for the idea that it could be improved, that it could be made even better than it is now. That was the point. No matter how good something is, it could *always* be better. Period.
Think of it this way. If it makes you happy now, maybe, just maybe, with some effort put it, it could make you even happier.
But what the fuck do I know. I write unoriginal trash. -
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Tell me a book or movie where a man murdered women because of imperfections. You're a liar.
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... What!?
Are you even reading what I'm saying? That's a total non-sequitur. I didn't even mention any other books or movies or anything remotely like that. I said your story was definitely good but could be better, because anything could always be better no matter how good it is. There is always room for improvement. It doesn't matter if you're Stephen King or Patricia Cornwell or Laurell K. Hamilton or Random Q. Joe on the Internet. How much clearer can I get?
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