Meaning. Reason. Love.

Leaving Forks, I’d quickly decided, was the stupidest thing I had ever done.1

In the beginning, I’d done it thinking that it was the best thing for her. She’d get to live a normal life, be free from having to keep my secret, and never have to worry about being killed every second she was around me. She could go on to college, marry a nice human boy (Mike Newton… that was the one that liked her so much… how I despised him!), have children and grow old, like any normal being.2

I’d had to lie to her, lie through my teeth, say that I didn’t love her, that I didn’t want her anymore. It was the most ridiculous idea in the entire universe. To think that I, who loved her more than anyone could ever be capable of comprehending, no longer wanted her… it was complete blasphemy. Complete idiocy.3

I wanted her- no, needed her to function properly. I'd left her there in the woods, her beautiful eyes betraying her and telling me that she fully believed every lie I had told her (which was completely absurd), and I ran as far as I could manage, all the way to Denali, Alaska, with a hole of emptiness ripping through my chest. Even though breathing wasn't a requirement for me and my heart hadn't beat in over ninety years, I was dead inside, even more so than before. I was just an empty, lifeless shell, and my damned soul had been left with her.4

Much to my frustration, I'd had to go back to her house to get rid of every material part of me I’d left with her. The photos, the CD… I couldn’t bear to take them away completely, so I left them beneath her floorboards. I wasn’t strong enough to leave without leaving a piece of me with her. I just wasn’t. I couldn’t bear to ask that much of myself after forcing myself to leave her.5

It was impossible to live correctly without her. Every time I closed my eyes, her beautiful face was behind them, taunting me, begging me to come back. That empty, distraught look she’d had when I left… it would never, ever leave me, I was certain.6

As soon as I had gotten away again, I'd ended up in the middle of some forest, in a location I really hadn’t paid attention to. I’d just laid on the moist earth for hours, rain soaking me to the core. Not that I noticed, since I’d become completely numb to any sensations besides the one that ripped my heart out and slowly ate away at me. I may have spent hours in that forest, I may have spent days. I paid no attention, for I didn't care. All I knew was that I was empty, and I’d never be able to fill myself back up. Ever.7

I'd decided, after an extended period of understandably pathetic moping, that I needed distractions, needed something to help the ache that had become a constant reminder of what I’d done (as if I needed a reminder, since it was the only thing on my mind). I began attempting tracking, managing to follow that wretched Victoria to Texas, then Brazil. I was quite horrible at it.8

The ache grew worse and worse with each passing day. I was blind, deaf, senseless. Nothing mattered anymore. My life, my endless life, would be meaningless for all of eternity. And eternity was a horrendously long time.9

Then after what felt like months, decades… when I had decided to stop chasing Victoria for a short period of time, Rosalie called me. She was clearly distraught, which I was able to tell somehow, even in my mindless state. When she spoke those three words, the three words I couldn’t bear, the last three words I wanted to hear, I broke.10

“Bella is dead.”11

I hung up the phone, calling Bella’s home, the number fresh on my fingertips as if it was the only number I had dialed in my entire existence. It rang twice, and a male answered. Jacob Black.12

“Hello, this is Carlisle Cullen. May I please speak with Charlie?” Yet another lie. But it was necessary.13

“No you can’t. He’s at the funeral.”14

And I hung up the phone. My knees were too weak to hold me anymore, and I collapsed to the floor, staying there for a good thirty seconds as pressure build in my lungs and throat.15

Then I shattered.16

“Bella!” the name I hadn’t spoken in months, for fear of it sending me straight back to Forks to grovel, was broken in the midst of my agony. 17

I couldn’t form the name for hours after that as I sat lifelessly still on floor beside the couch, not breathing. A mere shell.18

Volterra. The name sparked in my head, and I was immediately (while having such difficulty controlling my emotions I could barely think about functioning properly) in my car, driving to the airport, calling for any leftover ticket to Italy they might have. Though it had been difficult to work my charms in such a state, the attendant arranged a seat for me, and I took it, not moving once during the entire flight. I’m quite sure I didn’t even blink.19

I stole a car quickly, a fast car to make sure I could get to the Volturi as quickly as possible. I couldn’t live with this agony. I wouldn’t.20

I closed my eyes for a few moments, trying to keep from breaking again. When I saw Bella’s face behind them, I had to pull the car over and do my best to calm myself, regret, fury and complete despair washing over me. I felt nothing: not the cold air blowing from the air conditioner, nor the firmness of the seat, nor the leather of the steering wheel. Bella was gone, so I had nothing left to feel.21

I was able to pull myself together sufficiently enough to drive, clenching the steering wheel so hard that my fingers left indents. Volturra wasn’t hard to find, and I was inside a sprawling, decadent hall in moments.22

“I need something.” My voice, not clear like it usually was, but rough and gravelly, echoed in the long, open hall.23

The eldest of the Volturi stared down at me. “Let us hear your proposition.” His ancient voice was slow and weak, though held so much concealed power that I would have been intimidated, were it any other time.24

“I need you to kill me.” The words sounded strange against my lips, as if it were some kind of joke. If only this were a joke, a hideous, heartbreaking relief of a joke. “My… reason for existing is gone, so I need out.” It was the first time I’d been tongue-tied in my entire existence as a vampire, besides with Bella.25

“Kill you?” The vampire seemed to find this amusing and appalling all at once. “Young man, that is a great deal to ask of us.”26

I closed my eyes in frustration, searching for an argument. All I saw was her, and I fought off the wave of emotion that threatened to overtake me. I was very quickly losing my mind.27

“Please,” I said, my voice narrowly avoiding shattering, though somehow managing to keep it‘s overwhelmingly polite tone. “The woman I love is gone. Dead. I plan on not staying long after. I cannot bear it. If you do not kill me, you are condemning me to a purgatory of nothingness for the rest of my existence.”28

The elder stared at me through squinted eyes, the crows feet at the corners of his eyes growing more pronounced in contemplation, and finally nodding. “We shall review your case. We will call you back when we reach our verdict.”29

“Please, know of my gratitude,” I said politely, then left quickly. I got a room in a hotel, locking myself in as I was enveloped by my agony. I counted the seconds, the minutes, the hours. I couldn’t bear being here much longer. The agony was too great, coming in strange, painful quakes that ripped through me with immeasurable force. I was not as strong as She had thought. I just wasn’t. I was shattered. Nothing.30

I had left, thinking I was protecting her. And just like that, instantaneously, she was gone. Forever.31

And I'd known I couldn’t exist with that knowledge. Knowing that it was my fault completely, knowing that if I had stayed-32

An ache ripping through my useless lungs broke off my thought. These aches couldn't bring her back, no matter how much they hurt. Nothing could.33

Suddenly, I picked up on the thoughts of the Volturi elder. They weren’t going to permit my death, but wanted me to instead join their coven.34

My misery was suddenly overtaken by fury, disgust. How dare they!35

I’d find a way. I would. I’d anger them. I’d…36

I’d expose them.37

I'd felt a flicker of hope, for what had I to hope for other than death?38

It was nightfall a that point, but there was to be a festival the following day. It was only to herd humans into Volterra so they could feed, but if I ‘accidentally’ stepped into the sunlight at the square…39

I'd planned carefully. I planned to go to the square and step into the light as soon as it was directly overhead. Noon.40

There were nine hours to wait. I'd decided that I might as well think about Bella, since I wouldn’t see her in the afterlife. Vampires had no afterlife, just never-ending emptiness, much the way my existance was before her.41

I remembered the first time I’d seen her. I’d wanted to kill her, to drink every last ounce of her sweet, fragrant blood… I’d learned very quickly that she would be my only weakness, my only love. I’d pushed her away to try and protect her, though not to the extent that I recently had. Eventually, I grew tired of having to avoid being with her and had given up, which I should have been intelligent enough to do this time around. Then, I’d done everything I could to get close to her, know things about her. She was absolutely fascinating. I adored every moment I spent with her, not to mention every moment she was on my mind (which was, to be completely honest, all the time). 42

She was the most glorious creature I had ever seen.43

Getting closer and closer to her, saving her again and again (she didn’t frustrate me, the way everyone targeted her did), and falling deeper and deeper in love with her… and knowing she loved me too… it was the best time of my long life.44

The restraint I’d practiced! Being around the most tempting delicacy I’d ever known, all hours of the day being near her… I’d surprised myself with my control. It was because she was bigger than my hunger, more important than my thirst for human blood. She was more important than anything I’d ever witnessed, ever. Having to save her, when she was nearly killed by James… it had been the most difficult ordeal I’d ever had to face, but the amount of control I had faced, there, staring into the face of my singer, la tua cantante… it only further proved my love for her.45

But, just like that… she was gone.46

The aches eventually started again, keeping me writhing on the floor for a few more hours. It killed some time, so I'd let them come. I’d never felt so absolutely empty, so absurdly injured, so emotionally wounded. I hadn’t imagined it would be this painful, this agonizingly horrific. Nothing could mask the pain, nothing, not even her memory.47

Noon was now four hours away, and the ache in my chest had subsided to a dull roar as I got closer and closer to my end. It came as a relief to me.48

By the time 11:55 hit, I was completely free of pain. The square surrounded me in a few short, swift movements. I watched the clocktower. 11:56, 11:57, 11:58...49

A smile played on my features as I got closer and closer to my demise.50

‘Bella,’ I had thought, ‘soon this will be over for me too. Soon, we’ll both be free. I love you and I always will. More than you could ever comprehend. More than I could ever explain. Soon this will all be over. Soon…’51

I could hear her calling my name. Maybe, I'd thought, there was an afterlife for me after all. I welcomed it, especially if she was with me.52

“Edward!” Her voice was clear among the sounds of the crowd. Her beautiful voice…53

“Edward, please, look at me!” Closer now. Closer.54

The clock was tolling. I smiled.55

“EDWARD!” she'd screamed one last time, and I'd looked. I had to, unable to resist any longer.56

I could see her already. She was an angel, come to rid me of my agony, save me from this living hell, this purgatory.57

She was running toward me, and slammed into me. I held her up by the arms so she wouldn’t fall. She looked up at me. Yes, an angel. That was what she was.58

“Edward, please! Look! I’m alive! I am!”59

I had studied her for a moment as the clock tolled it’s third time. She'd looked real enough.60

I had supposed it was just my memories and my emotional state making her seem so realistic.61

“Edward!”62

I lifted my hands to her face. She was warm. She smelled fantastic, as she always had. Her cheekbones were the same, her brow bones, her nose, her eyes, her lips…63

It was her. She was alive.64

“Bella?” the name fell from my lips, tasting as close to honey-sweet as I would ever know.65

“Edward, I’m here. It’s me. I swear to you.”66

I was dead.67

“That was fast. I’m impressed,” I had marveled. “They surely know how to get the job done quickly.”68

“Edward, I’m not dead! And neither are you!”69

There was only one way to know for sure.70

I pressed my lips her hers. They were so warm… they tasted the same…71

I pulled back, looking at her again, then pulled her to me. She was alive. Bella was alive!72

Meaning. Reason. Love. It all came flooding back to me so quickly it was as if it had never been gone in the first place.73

“Bella.” Honey. “Isabella.” More.74

She was alive. She was alive. She was alive.75

But we were both going to be dead if I didn’t get into the shade.76

I pulled her with me into an alley, pulling her close to me again, kissing her hair.77

Meaning. Reason. Love.78

It was as if it had never been gone in the first place.