It was as if someone had sprinkled glitter and crystals across the surface of the pool. I just stayed on the worn deck, laying on my belly, staring into the water.1
The late afternoon sun caressed my back, warming my body. Only a thin string at my neck and my middle gave any indication that I wore a swim top. My cutoff jean shorts snagged on a rusty nail head, as I did an army crawl closer to the pool.2
I propped one cheek on the palm of my hand, and slowly skimmed my free hand through the water. I smelled chlorine and coconut suntan lotion and this reminded me of my mother.3
Our small two-bedroom apartment was lucky enough to have a pool. The complex was even blessed with a manager who kept it clean and working. In the summer, when my mother wasn’t working, she was swimming with my sister and me. I remember sipping lemonade, eating ice pops, the smell coconut lotion, and chlorine. Even now just seeing or smelling those items would bring a smile to my face.4
Then I would remember both my sister and mother are gone and the smile would disappear, like now.5
So, I sit or lie near a pool when I want to kick up painful memories. Sometimes it’s like a book you can’t put down or a mosquito bite that you know you shouldn’t scratch, but still do. I drag those memories up and keep them close. I wrap them around me, like a blanket and soak in their misery.6
What I remember most was the sun and the small, choppy waves in the pool. The wind was blustery, but Suzanne and I had decided to go swimming without mom. Her long honey blond hair whipped around her head as the wind kicked up again. I laughed as it caught her towel and she had to chase after the riot of colors, as the towel flew over the lounge chairs, bordering the long sides of the rectangular pool, like little soldiers waiting for orders.7
She glared at me as she came stomping back. 8
“Stop looking at me like that, Suz. You would have laughed just as hard had it been me.” I smiled sweetly at her.9
My younger sister just shrugged, making one strap fall off her slender shoulder. The one-piece suit, a hand-me-down from me, was a faded sky blue and a little too big for her. I had always been longer in the torso then she was.10
“Put some sunblock on, would ya?” I said, as I threw the bottle at her.11
She smoothly caught it. I sat on one of the chairs, the cloth from the towel rubbed against my legs as I shifted.12
“Ok, I’m done. You coming in?” Suzanne asked as she strode to the edge.13
“No,” I called. “I think I’ll read for a bit.” I pulled the tote bag on to my lap. I pushed aside the sunscreen, a couple bottles of water and an extra towel. My book was not there.14
I was in the middle of a crucial love scene or break-up. I wasn’t sure at that point, but it was juicy. I was eager to continue reading. If I had my choice I would have read all summer. Suzanne was always the one to drag me outside.15
“Suit yourself, but you might want to pull your nose out of that book every once in a while.” She shook her head. “No wonder Eric doesn’t know you’re alive.”16
I threw a water bottle at her, but she ducked in time and it hit the pool. The splash caused rings that popped once they hit the sides.17
Eric had sat in front of me last year in English, and he lived in the same apartment complex. Since freshman year, I had a crush on him. Neither Suzanne nor I had seen him so far this summer, probably due to the fact he worked for his father.18
I stuck out my tongue as I stood up. “I’m going back to get my book. Get the bottle out of the pool, please.”19
As I walked a way I turned back to her. “He does to know I’m alive. He borrowed a pencil from me last year.”20
“Yeah, so what?” She yelled as I climbed the stairs.21
It took me longer then it should have to find my book. It was Suzanne’s turn to clean our room, but it still wasn’t done. Clothes were thrown over the computer chair and desk. I’m pretty sure the computer was under them, somewhere. The floor was littered with her shoes and my books. The CD’s were spread across my bed. She liked to look through the CD's while listening to them.22
I found my book under my pillow, where I had put it for safekeeping. Of course,I started reading as soon as I picked it up.23
I walked slowly over our mess and made my way to the door. By our frount window sat the table we ate at when we are all together. It was scratched but held memories of laughs and tears. On top mom always had fruit in a wooden bowl she had gotten from a trip to Hawaii. I grabbed an apple out of it and started eating.24
In my book they were just getting ready to kiss, when I noticed images passing by out of the corner of my eye. I hurried to the door and leaned out, one hand held a half eaten apple, and the other had my book. It looked like they were headed down to the pool. I shut the door and followed the crowd. I remembered the wind was still blowing and the sun glaring down on my, blinding me from seeing the pool clearly. As I ran down the stairs, pushing past people standing around, the scene went gray. All the color bled out of my surroundings.25
In the pool before me a figure floated face down. Long colorless hair fanned out from the head.26
I glanced around, looking for Suzanne. My towel still sat in a ball on my chair, but beside it, leading to the pool, was the only color to be seen. A red river flowed and slow droplets hit the clear water, turning it pink. Rings expanded out, before disappearing.27
I still didn’t see Suzanne. People crowded around me, making it hard to breath and to see.28
A couple of fully dressed men had waded into the water. One of them was Eric. I could see his dark hair blowing in the wind. I smelled coconuts and chlorine.29
“Suzanne,” I called. She didn’t answer. She was being a brat and hiding from me. Mom would be mad. The people around me stepped back, leaving a path to the water.30
“Suzanne,” I yelled again.31
A soft arm encircled my waist. “Come with me,” a low, sweet voice whispered in my ear.32
I walked, zombie-like towards the body. My mind wasn’t registering what I was seeing. The men had turned the body over and the face had been familiar. I just couldn’t put a name to it.33
A paramedic ran past me with a policeman close on his heels. I remember him saying to stand back or clear the area. People around me murmured words to me, but I heard none of them.34
“Suzanne! Suzanne, where are you?” I called again and again. Why wasn’t she answering?35
The policeman kindly asked me if the body was my sister. I shook my head no. How could that colorless person be Suzanne? She was so full of life and fire.36
Time either sped up or slowed down, because the next thing I heard was my mother’s screams. I looked around for her, but everything was blurry.37
I rubbed my eyes trying to clear them and my hands came a way wet. I was crying. My mother was screaming and clawing at Mr. Harrison. He was holding her back. I watched as she crumbled to the ground, sobbing. I watched as they led her to where I was sitting. She grabbed me and pulled me to her chest as she cried my sister’s name.38
I can only remember flashes now, a stretcher with a black bag, my mom curled up on her bed sobbing, a picture of Suzanne in a silver frame clutched under her cheek.39
I don’t remember anything of the funeral, only a pink floral print dress and a mix of roses and yellow carnations. Yellow was Suzanne’s favorite color. Even now the sweet smell of roses makes me sick.40
We buried my sister two weeks before her sixteenth birthday. I was eighteen.41
Mom tried, but I could see the acquisitions in her eyes. I shouldn’t have left Suzanne alone at the pool. I knew that, but I did and now she is gone.42
It’s been a couple of years since the accident, but I still couldn’t bear to get in a pool. Showers are hard and baths are impossible.43
Author notes
Felt I had tense problems, what do you think?
Abstract Muse and OKG should be invited to join.
edited 7/16/08. Thanks daftweejimmy
In a list
A contest entry
- Tickets Please! by CactusJack.
225 points, ended August 17, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Serious Writers of an Imaginary Sort contest number II by scriptor.
1900 points, ended May 31, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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You have successfully evoked many fond memories with you vivid discriptions at the beginning of the story. I didn't notice any mistakes.
Wow! This is one of the times that i can honestly say, "Whoah, didn't see that coming." You set the scene so well, so traquil, without any hints of forboding; that is what makes this story so great. And the way you discribe her reactions... this is a great story. This is the best i have read from you.
Bret
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Thanks Bret,
I'm 
now.
Brooke
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This is a really sad story, made my eyes watery but this story is really good. I luffles it. Great job!
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Thanks for reading and I'm glad it brought out those emotions. It was supposed to
Again thanks for reading.
Brooke -
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You are very welcome.
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Good Story
Such a sad story, but sad stories are a reality. I liked the older sister. She was typical of teenagers, too old enough to think that they know it all, too young to realize that they dont. I think the story was very well told.
One part confused me a bit,
I glanced around, looking for Suzanne. My towel still sat in a ball on my chair, but beside it, leading to the pool, was the only color to be seen. A red river flowed and slow droplets hit the clear water, turning it pink. Rings expanded out, before disappearing
Was the red river blood? Was the sister killed?
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Thanks for reading. And to clear up your confusion, yes Suzanne died. She hit her head on the side of the pool, that was the red river of blood, knocked herself out and drowned in the pool
Again thanks for reading
Brooke
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omg i feel like crying write noe. Thie similies you used were amazing and u just wrote this piece magnificently. Was this based on a real life event? If so, I'm truly very sorry. You are a wonderful writer and no exactly what kind of imagery to use to get a certian emotion into a readers head. This is possible on of the best and most moving short pieces I have ever read. Great job on writing it, i really really loved reading it.
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Thanks for reading, no this wasn't based on real life events. But I'm glad it seemed so real to you.
Again thanks for reading
Brooke
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Good
There's probably a time in everyone's life that we could change back time. In this case with Suzane drowning in the pool is one of them.
A very good read. A few spelling mistakes, but other than that the story draws you in especially towards the end.
PARA 4 the smell coconut lotion, should read (the smell of coconut lotion,)
PARA 20 ''He does to know I'm alive. (Maybe the word to should be too.)
PARA 24 By our window frount, (the word frount should be front.)
PARA 25 the sun glaring down on my, (the word my should be me.)
I don't mean to be picky, but overall a well thought out story.
Keep up the good work.
Julie
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Good story!
This is a good story in terms of the plot. While some could be considered nit-picking, I agree with most of the corrections about usage pointed out by daftweejimmy. Nevertheless, I'm going to add my two cents. Please change then to than in the first sentence in paragraph 22. And in the first sentence of paragraph 42 I am sure you mean accusations not acquisitions. Don't abandon this, Brooke. Please re-work it.
Anaya
beginning: 5, language: 1, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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Thanks Anaya. I will make the corrections daft has pointed out.
Again thanks
Brooke
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Nice story, shame about the English
I know that a lot of this might seem like mere pedantry to you, but could I implore you, with tears in my eyes, to make more of an effort to use better English.
I try not to be harsh, but it frightens me to think that anyone who has pretentions toward authorship, won't take the time to learn the basic elements of writing in straightforward sentences. I know that a lot of the things I've noted here might go unremarked in some places, but if you want people to read your work, and more importantly, enjoy what they read, then it is a prerequisite that you work really hard so that they don't have to.
What you have here is a simple tragic tale. Ok, we're all aware that tragedies need special treatment, but this was torture. I'm not, despite what you may think, trying to belittle you or your story. I genuinely think you could have written this a lot better had you stuck to really simple sentence structure, and the effects would have been more dramatic.
Of course you don't need to take any notice of my opinion, and I really don't want to cause offence. However, if you look over the corrections and suggestions I've made, and try them out, I'd appreciate it if you tell me whether or not you feel they might improve your work.
Para 4; Penultimate sentence seems as if you were "eating ice pops, coconut lotion and chlorine." It's up to you,of course, but it seems an odd diet. Yes, I know what you mean, but SAY what you mean!
Para 5; is possibly the worst so far. What was gone?
Para 6; I know it's American English, but please use "lie" instead of "lay"; lay is past tense, unless you're a chicken or duck or some other bird. About now, I had begun to lose patience with this character; no sane person disturbs painful memories unless they want to learn something from them. There's no evidence of that here.
Para 7; Bullets, spears, axes or similarly sharp instruments might stick in your head; the sun and waves lodge in your mind or memory.
"Without" is one word. And surely the last two sentences could be joined; comma after "chairs", then lose 1st three words and insert "bordering".
Para 8; End the sentence at "back"; we know where she'd been.
Para 13; My all time pet peeve! Don't split the infinitive! (Gnashes teeth and growls in fury.) She caught it smoothly, and even that isn't particularly good. At least you didn't boldly go!
Para 18; Eric HAD sat.... comma after "English". lat two sentences, lose the full stop and replace with a comma.
Para 22; Second sentence, lose "as of today". You were worried about tenses, and this is one of the key phrases that would puzzle the reader, because the story's in the past tense, and this makes it seem like present tense.
Para 22; please re-write this, it's so poor. For example, why would anyone have clothes, shoes, books and cds spread over floor and bed, just to enable her to view the mess from her own bed? Again, I know what you mean, but only because I re-read the passage three or four times. It seems it isn't just the apartment's a mess!
Para 23; Please re-arrange the second sentence. I feel you might have used the odd syntax for effect, but it had the wrong one on me, and i suspect on other readers.
Para 24: Why did you eat the apple on the table under the big window? Again, I know what you mean, but...........
Para 25; First sentence, how can images pass out of the corner of your eye? Wouldn't you panic if this happened? -
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No offense taken
I really appreciate your help and will really look over what you have said and make the necessary changes. See what happens when I write sober just kidding.
Again thanks for reading and for pointing out what needs to be changed. How can I learn if I wasn't shown.
Brooke
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I didn't notice any tense changes till the narratives at the end either, but then that's always been a problem of mine as well.
I found it interesting how you had her sight go blind to the fact of what happened and keep calling for her sister. I've heard that happens often in such situations, their denial to themselves in hopes that it's not true. It is sad in the end either way.
I would also like to see how she gets through the trauma of it. If not in another chapter then a short extension of the story itself to show how she copes with it afterwards.
I'm like Cory. I don't like sad endings.
Unless it's a whole civilization being wiped out by aliens or something.
Anyway, aside from that, I liked this.
Great write.
Greg
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Para 2; clumsy sentence structure here. Comma after "cutoff" is redundant. I've never seen a small army crawl, but this may be just a thing that's outsode my ken.
Para 3. First sentence would feel a little better if you replace "my" with one, replace "as I" with and. Second sentence doesn't compliment your mother much.
Para 4. Apartments aren't lucky, it's the occupants that are blessed with luck or possessions. Second sentence, surely it was a manager WHO kept it working. People need personal pronouns. Sentence three, last word should be "me"; if your sister hadn't been there, you wouldn't say your mother was swimming with I. The inclusion of sister doesn't change the personal case, ie personal subjunctive, so beware this kind of lapse.
TBC -
I'm not a great editor or anything, but I think that your tenses are fine. The only time you change is when the narrator speaks about remembering the events in the current time - and that's fine (at least I think it is).
It's a very sad story and yet so commonly true. You did very well on this. Curiously, what was your inspiration? Part of me thinks that maybe there should be a little more, or maybe a short sequal. I guess today I'm just feeling happy-ending-ish, but I think that there should be another section that details her coming to terms with the event and managing to get past it.
But that's coming from the next Stephen King (with better diction and more sanity).
Anywho. Great work!
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Hahahaha, next Stephen King huh? Well, as long as I get an autographed first addition book I'll be happy.
Thanks for reading. I'm not sure if there will be more. You've given me some things to think about, thanks
Brooke
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