Finding Where I Belong

I guess it all started when I was really little. I had always wanted to go to church and I felt almost empty. I had always told my mother and father that I wanted to go to church. It would make me full and I'd feel real about myself.1

I had always went to church with various people. my parents wouldn't dare go to church. It made me feel bad and I wasn't like anyone else, religious. I had went with my cousin most of the time. I enjoyed it but I felt like a stranger to the church. They always asked me if I was to join or not. I told them I was only with my cousin. For some reason I didn't feel safe when I wasn't with my cousin. 2

When I started getting older I felt more and more like a stranger in the world. I felt as if I had to fine myself. I had never had the chance to do so either. I didn't know what to do since it wasn't my church or anything. The more I felt like a stranger, the more I didn't want to go. I'd give excuses not to go and I felt guilty I was doing this to Heavenly Father. It hurt me deeply.3

Years later I went with a friend of mine. I didn't go on a Sunday but instead on events. It was fun but I still felt like a stranger. Like before, the encouraged me to join the church. I told that my family didn't go church and there was no way of getting there. They were sad for me but understood. After more and more experience with church, the more I hated it. This was mostly because I didn't know what the others knew. They knew things about Father that I didn't. I was very jealous of them. They acted as if it was nothing to worry about. The ones my age acted like it was school or just another lesson they already knew. It was old to them. For me it was like an opening to life. I felt dumb I didn't understand.4

I kept pleading my parents to take me to church. They wouldn't. Then my friend asked if I would like to go with them every Sunday. I said no, only because I felt like I was in the way. I had tried another church with another friend. I had once again only gone to an activity. This was far worse than before. It was a completely different religion and that made me feel like an outsider. They knew how to pray properly, I didn't. I just said what was on my mind and viola, there it was. Lastly, an Amen.5

It was wrong. I didn't know what they knew and I wore the wrong clothing. It was completely on accident and very embarrassing. All I can remember was hard stares. They knew I was Christian. I wasn't Mormon. I started to drift apart from my spiritual self and all I really did was pray, not properly, and have a bible, which I recently got. The bible made me feel whole and the praying helped too. 6

I felt more and more like I was a burden and I was splitting their families up from church. It felt like I when I went to church with them, they stopped going after I left. They started saying that they don't go anymore. I felt guilty. Almost like I was hurting them. I didn't want to hurt anymore close religious families, so I stopped going all together. It felt best. I still payed and had my bible. But when I learned more about God, it reminded me of things that happened.7

I finally felt better about myself. I hadn't gone to church but I will again someday with my family. For the one I have right now forces me to walk to church or not go at all. I couldn't pick that choice. The whole family had to go with. No one needs to worry because I have faith in God and I will find myself someday. For when that day comes, I will finally be whole with myself and fell once again closer to God.8