"Oh Jack," Samantha giggles in ear,"Tell me something Jack. Something that will truly amaze me!"1
He smiles at her and says jokingly,"Oh I don't know, something!"2
"You really should be careful about your cooking! But you've always been a great chef!"3
Jack tilts his head up and says confidently,"Why, of course I am!"4
Samantha smiles and nudges him teasingly.5
Jack finishes his food and puts it on plates to be served. 6
He says to his wife,"Ready my dear?"7
"I am indeed. Care to join me in the dining room?"she says acting sophisticated.8
He nods and they sit down.9
Samantha starts chewing down politely and looks over at Jack.10
She gives him an odd look and he says with his mouth full,"What?"11
She giggles and says,"Don't chew with your mouth full."12
He says apologetically,"Sorry." His mouth still full and acting like a child.13
"So... how was your day today at the job?"says Samantha curiously.14
"It was...okay."Jack says trying to avoid the subject.15
"Just okay? You don't sound very confident about that."Samantha says worriedly.16
"Oh well it was fine. Is that better for you?"snapping at her.17
She jumps a little and very startled. He was never impatient and snappy.18
"I'm sorry. I mean to say, I'm just a little stressed...from work."he says looking at his food more closely.19
Samantha grabs her plate about to go in the kitchen,"I'm worried about you."20
He gently grabs her arm and says,"Don't be, it's okay. I'll be fine"21
She smiles worriedly and nods her head.22
She walks in the kitchen and starts washing off her plate.23
He comes in behind her and holds her tightly.24
He whispers in her ear,"I love you Sam."25
She smiles to herself.26
They kiss and after the gentle slow kiss she put her head on his shoulder.27
"Sam, I am so happy that you're here for me. I'm glad you're worried for me." Jack says trying to ease her.28
"I'm always here for you. Through thick and thin. You don't need to worry."Samantha says softly.29
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Very well done. Lots of dialouge.
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Oooooh, I'm just soooo jealous of this wonderfully detailed critique by TooRainbow, but I shall refrain from pouting while I say I too noticed the repeated use of 'says' which distracted me from the overall reading. (perhaps because I was so conscious of that while I was rewording mine - lol)
I wish I found the picture as moving as your words. -
'stardazer15' this is really good - Jack and Samantha seem like a nice couple - thank you.
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Your dialog is very interesting and well written. Your writing flows nicely, not choppy or cumbersome to follow. This is a really cute little piece. I like that we get to see your characters' emotions ebb and alter and to watch how they react to each other in the process. This makes them feel real and we develop genuine concern for them. Nice write! A couple of editorial comments, if I may: 'giggled' in your first paragraph needs to be 'giggles' to be in the same tense as the rest of the work; 'says' in "So...how was your day today at the job?" says Samantha curiously, should be indicative of a question (says implies a declaritive statment, also you write 'says' again just one line later, the very next time she speaks and it would sound better if you varied her responses); and you describe their actions using a form of the word 'worry' five times--this would probably sound better if varied as well (concerned or with concern, fretting, stewing, etc. all relay the same idea in varying degrees). Please keep in mind I make these suggestions from a reader's point of view, not a writer's. Who am I anyway? I just like to tell specifically what I see, hoping others will do the same for me. I mean no offense by it. I enjoyed reading this. I wish it was a more extensive assignment. You have me curious about what happened to Aaron at work. (bummer) Good luck on the assignment! Sheryl
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