1
Just looking at her is the most beautiful site. Her rich flowing blonde hair, her cute little round nose.As we were sitting on a mushroom a very young messanger came twored us.2
"I have a message for a Mr.Tornue."The small messanger said3
"Yes, that would be me!"I answered back4
"You are wanted by your wife"looking at the blonde beauty"should I tell her your busy"he said smirking5
"No i'll be right there."I said pissed off. As I got home I saw my wife Aaron. Tears were weeping down her eyes. I rushed over to her.6
"Aaron sweetie whats the matter."I said worried7
"You know whats the heck is going on" Throwing a pair of langeraie at me."Who's your little whore"She said pissed off.8
"Her name is Cassie Underthorn"I said feeling guilty.9
"Tell me why would you cheat on me what the heck does she have that i dont."She yelled10
"For you ohh i love you soo much, she is just lust to me!"I exclaimed11
"Well then you better pick love or lust?"She stated12
"I pick......l"13
TO BE CONTINUED....
A contest entry
- Write The Rest of the Story by Radiance.
550 points, ended July 18, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
was it good
Comments
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I'm afraid I'm rather confused. Are these characters human? The mushroom totally threw me off, and then with the lingerie....
The pacing was very fast--faster than my preferred plot development. More detail, more dialogue, more interaction in the beginning would definitely help. How did Cassie react to being left so quickly?
The contest paragraph was missing.
You had steady grammatical and spelling errors throughout the piece. Some are listed below:
1st paragraph: "site" should be "sight" -- "messanger" should be "messenger" -- "twored" should be "toward"
In any dialogue, put a space between the ending quotation marks and the next word.
And don't forget the punctuation at the end of a sentence! They need some love, too! In your dialogue, either a comma or a period works for most of them.
Thank you for entering; I hope this comment helps.
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