Forgiveness

I know I didn't mean it; it just sort of... happened. I hate myself for what I've done, and they all hate me, too. I never meant to abandon him-to ruin our friendship. Is there a chance I can save it somehow?1

I looked up from my journal and sighed... I just didn't understand why they hated me so much though. I despised doing this to him. I really did, but no one believed me, and I knew he needed this... but he felt I had abandoned him, so in result, I felt I had abandoned him as well.2

I turned my head to the right and gazed at my cell phone on the end table screaming my name. I reached forward and grabbed it, opening it, and dialing the number that I had long since recognized, in case I felt the need to call him. I held it up to my ear and listened as it rang once, twice, and then a third time. Finally, someone picked up.3

'Sterling rehab center, how may I help you?' 4

I was silent for a moment, almost too afraid to talk. 5

'Hello? Is there anyone there?'6

I took in a deep breath and answered.7

'Yes, sorry... Um, I was wondering if I could talk to Jake Hamilton, in room 21.'8

'Yes ma'am, hold please.'9

Cheesy classical music blasted in my ear as I sat on my bed, pulling at one of the loose string in my comforter. What would I say to him? he hated me, and all i wanted was his forgiveness. I would never be able to live with myself if i never got his forgiveness. 10

'Hello?'11

My heart started racing at a million miles per hour at the sound of his voice. 'Hey Jake, it's Lauren.'12

he was silent a minute and then finally answered, 'What do you want?'13

I gasped at the hostility in his voice. I had never heard him speak like this before. 14

'Um... I just wanted you to understand something.'15

'Understand what?'16

I breathed in a deep breath and then slowly let it out before I started speaking.17

'I called these rehab people because I was worried for you Jake. I was worried, because every time I would see you, you would be totally drugged out, and I just didnt like it. You are 18 years old, and you have so much more to live for! I hated seeing my best friend being, well, not really my best friend, just a shadow of my Jake.' My voice started breaking at this point, and tears kept pooling from my eyes and splattering my comforter. 'Everyone else told me not to call the rehab center, that you would learn to quit on your own, but you didnt. I was just, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to sit here and watch you do that, I wanted to help you. I love you way too much to see you waste away like this Jake, and I just want you to understand that. I want you to know that I only wanted to save you. I feel horrible, and I know that you think that I abandoned you, because I feel like that as well. And you will probably hate me for as long as I live, but I do love you Jake, I really do. I didn't want to sit there and watch my best friend, the love of my life waste his life away. I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry Jake, and I want you to someday find the strength to forgive me. I just wanted to help you, because you were not helping yourself.'18

I wiped the tears from my face, but they kept falling at the complete silence I heard on the other end of the phone. For a moment, I thought that he had hung up on me. It would have been understandable if he had, but I just wanted him to forgive me, more than anything.19

'I love you too you know,' I finally heard him say. 20

I breathed in a sigh of relief and finally muttered,'You do?'21

'Yeah... I know you were worried... I'm sorry. and I did feel abandoned, because I didn't think that my best friend would do that to me. I'm sorry that everyone else hates you. I do love you Lauren. And I am getting better, I promise. They help a lot here, and thanks to you, the next time I see you, I will be just Jake, your best friend, and the love of your life, ok?'22

I nodded, though I know that he would not be able to see. I just didnt trust my voice anymore to talk... All it would sound like is blubbering.23

'Listen, I have to go. We are about to have lunch. Why don't you give me a call back tomorrow morning at around 10? We can talk longer then. I have a lot to tell you.'24

'Ok,' I whispered. I took the phone from my ear and closed it. I sat it down on the bed and hugged my knees to my chest... At least I had Jake getting there, to forgive me, to think that what I did was best for him. That was the only start that I needed. It didn't matter if the rest of my friends would hate me because I did that to him, but as long as he forgave me, then I would know that i would have everything in my life worth fighting for.25