White. You would think nothingness would be black, but all I see around me is white. I turn around, but it’s as if white sheets are hanging all around me. I can almost see them billowing. I stretch out my hand, but I feel nothing. I’m not surprised. I hear a voice. It is unlike any voice I have ever heard. It is so deep I’m not sure if I am hearing it or actually feeling it in every cell of my … body?1
“An accounting,” says the voice. “Tell your story…” 2
I know what is being asked of me. I feel that I have no choice but to tell this mysterious presence why I’m here….3
____________________________________________________________________4
“Tell me you’re kidding.” I was sitting at the local bar across from Dennis Harris, my longtime friend.5
“Dead serious. Hey, I said DEAD serious. Heh.” Dennis wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He was drunk.6
“Dennis…ok. Reality check. There is no magic notebook. Your step-father had a heart attack. You didn’t kill him by writing his name down in some stupid notebook. You’re drunk.”7
Dennis wasn’t laughing anymore. “I’m telling you the truth. I just did what the kid said. All I had to do was write that old asshole’s name down. And poof! He croaks! And I get my money. Easy as pie.”8
“You really believe this, don’t you?” I was beginning to worry. Dennis was an odd bird, but he had never said something that crazy before. I glanced at my watch. “Damn! I have to get home. Carol’s getting off of work and she’ll be pissed if I’m not there with Shawn.”9
“Guess we better go,” Dennis said. I remembered with a groan that he had left his car at my place. I threw a couple of twenties on the bar and headed out.10
Soon we were pulling up to my house. I hopped out and Dennis followed. He was clutching a notebook.11
“Ok, it looks like she isn’t home yet. You better-“ 12
“I gotta take a leak.” 13
“Oh for Christ’s sake…”14
Dennis elbowed past me and headed to the bathroom. He left the notebook lying on the table. I leafed through it.15
The toilet flushed and Dennis came up to me.16
“Listen Frank,” he said. “Everyone knows what a controlling bitch that wife of yours is. Hell, you complain about her all the time! What kind of wife would give her guy such a hard time just for having a few beers? I mean, come on, running home all the time just to please her, like some little boy who’s scared of his momma?”17
I frowned. I didn’t like the direction this was going in. “She wants me to be home for Shawn.”18
“That kid is ten years old! He doesn’t need you there every minute of every day. You know, you should get rid of her for his sake too. You don’t want him growing up to be a momma’s boy, do you?”19
“Leave my son out of this.” I said harshly. I loved my son. I hated my wife, but I loved my son.20
“Listen Frank- divorce her, and you’ll be paying child support forever, not to mention she’ll get half of everything. Those lawyers can bleed you dry! Just write her name. In the book. Like I did. Easy as anything.”21
“This is ridiculous,” I said. But I was thinking. Ok, so it probably wasn’t possible. It had to be just coincidence that it worked before. But if it didn’t work, what was there to lose?22
“So if I write a person’s name down, they die?”23
“Yep.”24
I sighed. “Ok, I’ll do it. God knows, I hate that woman.”25
Dennis slapped me on the back, grinning.26
“Walk me to the car, buck-o,” he said. “Tomorrow you’ll be celebrating.”27
“Yeah, you better leave before she comes home-“28
I stopped.29
He looked at me, and we both burst out laughing.30
“Ok,” said sheepishly, and walked him to the door.31
I turned back and froze. Shawn was standing by the table. The book was open before him. There were tears in his eyes, and I realized he’d heard the entire conversation. He was holding a ballpoint pen from the kitchen drawer.32
“Shawn,” I said. “Oh Shawn…”33
“You’re going to kill mommy?”34
I couldn’t speak.35
Tears were flowing down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, daddy.” 36
He wrote something down in the book.37
“Shawn,” I started, then stopped. I felt a pain in my heart. 38
Author notes
Option 5- a story with a twist
A contest entry
- Gimme, gimme, gimme your best Poems & Stories! by Zerstort.
185 points, ended July 17, 2008, 95 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What Is Perfection? by Frozen Angel.
225 points, ended July 20, 2008, 31 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Murder Mysteries/ Utter Nonsense. Either one will do!! by Sha Wujing.
250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - OPTIONS! by MissIndecisive.
125 points, ended June 1, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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o dude thats awesome! i love the show and i love the story you wrote!
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I like it. It's like fanfiction, but you used your own characters and had your own plot and everything. I like the ending... the twisted ones are always the best.
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Fair
I like this a lot. I wasn't completely blown away, but it is easy to follow. Should have had a shinigami somewhere though. Nice twist at the end. Interesting start as well. -
Haha very interesting take on the series. I watched the original death note episides on dvd quite a while back and was rather intrigued when the title appeared on my screen. The ending even shocked me too, which is rather difficult as of late. it was well written, with an excellent hook, so thanx for the entertainment.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Wow.
I LOVED this. The ending was a shocking twist. I like how you left it open like that. You did a GREAT job!! You are a great writer!!! -
omg
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This was really good! Only grammer mistake was this
“Ok,” said sheepishly, and walked him to the door.31 it said have an I then said sheepishly. -
Sorry, my fault. I really like this. It caught me by surprise when Shawn wrote Frank's name down (If that's the name of the person's POV). But hey, you were gonna kill his mom, just so he won't become a momma's boy. I loved your description which brought alot of emotion. Keep it up!
♥ Nancy
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unbelievable!
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That last twist made me go, *gasp*! I really liked this- it was interesting and intriguing with an original plot. It kind of reminded me of a book called The Book of Names (don't remember who it's by...), which is good, because I loved that book. :]
The beginning paragraphs really helped me get into the story. This was well-written, with decent grammar and good characters. (Poor Shawn!) Great write!
xoxo Sarah
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I thought it was perfect. So sad...and the ending is gut-wrenching without being wildly original - which sounds like a back-handed compliment, I know, but honesly I admire that. It's a great accomplishment. Very, very, good. Thank you for the read.
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Alright..
I found this quite predictable...
I think that if this was expanded, and if you were to give more background information, then it would be a lot better. Just my opinion, though.
I love Death Note, by the way. =] -
Holy crap i did not expect the ending! Totally amazing though.
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Very well written
It felt like you missed a word In the following sentence.
"“Ok,” said sheepishly, and walked him to the door."
Otherwise the story flowed well and I really liked it. Hope all is going well for you and that the stories keep flowing for you!beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Really nice... by which I mean "neatly done."
I like this knife-twist in the plot. I'd almost got bored with Dennis when you sock it to me! You've got vivid characters, dialogue that carries the action... and there's no fat - verbosity - in it. Elegantly done.
Look forward to reading more...
Best RA
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Lol, I find this story very interesting. Death Note Rock!woot
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Hm. I am glad to find a Death Note story that is mildly decent, but I have a few things to say.
1) OCs are rather overused. I'd be delited if you could write an Alternate Universe using mainly the chracters of Death Note, for those are far better reads than OCs with Death Notes.
2) Despite the fact that this is off of Death Note, it lacked one major thing: mental conflict. I understand these people aren't L and Light, thus no genius plotting, but they still must have had some sort of mental thought. That is one of the plot pieces that makes Death Note what it is.
Besides these notes, that was actually fine. It would have been neat if you stuck Ryuk or anothre Shinigami at the end stating the affair was very boring.
Hopefully you can write another Death Noteish story that is even better with these reminders. -
This was good. Different from my usual style of reading but i liked it none the less. Keep writing.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Holy Crap! I was so not expecting that!
Awesome stuff, I'd love a story about the son years later, maybe he hates what he did, maybe he's become a monster. Whatever you decide on I think you have the start of a fantastic series here.
Great Job! -
OMG! I got a story called Death Note lol! wow what a crazy thing huh?
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It's a nicely written story, I like your style, you're not afraid to speak your mind. What I liked most about it was the endingHurray for Shawn!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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OH WOW.
Shawn is one tricky little boy
Wonderfully written, honestly.
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Ahhh. Too bad it had to end that way. I really liked this. Mysterious and suspenseful. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read this; I enjoyed it. Good luck in my contest.
*Frozen Angel* -
Good one
A nice short horror suspense story. It had a Stephen King feel to it. To think something so simple as a notebook could become deadly makes me shiver. I think this story could be the start of a complete book as the notebook travels from one hand to the other.
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