I was the only one who saw

I couldn't watch. I didn't want to watch. Seeing my sister kill herself wasn't something I was interested in. The pain was definitly excrutiating, but after her death, my love for my sister evolved into something more. It was as if losing her made her more important, and even more closer to me.1

The funeral was the hardest thing to deal with. Everyone cried. My parents, her friends, her boyfriend Jack, everyone. Everyone except for me. I sat in my chair, even more quiet than I normally am. People came over to me, patted me on the back, and told me how sorry they were for me. I didn't want anyones condolences. All I could do was stare at the closed casket. The place where my sister was now hiding. My parents decided to keep it closed since my sister looked a monster because of the fall. I sat, glued to my seat. My boyfriend Jason sat next to me, but knew better than to speak to me. He knew that the only reason I was here was because my parents made me. He put his arm around my shoulder, and I rested my head on his chest. I breathed in his scent. He smelled of Tag body spray and mint body wash. I never wanted to leave his side. I couldn't bear to lose someone else that I loved.2

Knowing that I was in such a insubstantial state, my parents agreed when I thought it was best for Jason to stay with me. We just laid on my bed, watching t.v. News of my sisters suicide was on the news, so Jason made sure to veer away from those channels. 3

I could hear my dad on the phone. He was talking with one of his friends who lived all the way across the country. Jason was snoring lightly, definitly sleeping. Slowly and quietly, I crept out into the hallway and listened against the door. "Yeah Phil, Carrie's taking it pretty bad. She won't talk to anyone. The phsycologist said she wouldn't answer a question she asked." He took in a deep sigh, and I heard him shuffle some papers around. "She was the only one who saw Sara jump. She's the only one who knows what she said." 4

I hate when my dad talks about me on the phone when I don't know it. I wanted to burst through the door, but I couldn't move. I was thinking about what my dad had said. She was the only one who Sara jump. The words rang through my head like a bell. It was true.5

I was also the only one who knew why Sara killed herself. Sara was raped by some guy she met off MySpace, her grades were slipping, and her boyfriend Jack was supposidly cheating on her. She was going downhill fast. No one knows she was raped except for me. I'm not ready to tell anyone yet. She didn't want people to know. She did some drugs too. I remember the day I learned the real Sara. The day she took her life, and the day she broke my heart.
We were in the city, just doing some shopping, when she randomly freaked out. She dumped everything on me. I didn't know what to say. She showed me how she was cutting herself, and she just rambled on about how she hated her life. 6

Finally, she lost it, completely. We were in a department building. She dragged me to the elevator, then to the stairs. When we got to the top of the building, I frantic, not sure what to do. Tears were streaming down both of our faces. All I remember her saying was, "No one understands. Mom, dad, Jack, my teachers, no one. I thought you would, but no even you. Yeah, you probably think I'm crazy." She had wailed frantically. She kept inching toward the edge. 7

"Sara stop! I do understand. I also understand that you need help." I cried. I had to do something to make her realize. I tried to grab her shoulder but she yanked it away. 8

"I don't need help, this whole fucking world needs help Carrie!" I pursed my lips, and wiped away some tears. I tried to block it out, but I remember her saying something about ending it all. I knew what was coming, and what hurt so much was knowing that I was here, going to watch her die, and I was completley, and utterly helpless. 9

Then, she just jumped. Just like that, she held out her arms, screamed "FUCK THE WORLD", and jumped. I turned my head, too scared to watch. My body shook, and I didn't know what to do. I was afraid if I tried to look over the edge I would shake so much that I fell over too. I heard screams from below, and then a light thud. I curled up on the roof, waiting for the sound of the ambulance. It was just all so much pressure and.....10

"Carrie?" I looked up and saw Jason standing there. I quickly wiped the tears from my face, and took his outstretched hand. We just stood there in the hallway, me cradled in his arms. 11

"Let's go back to your room." He whispered softly, helping me walk down the hall. He tucked me in, and hugged me tightly. 12

The rest of the week was no better. I cried every night, refused to let anyone in, and cried more. My parents tried to act strong, but they were just as vulnerable as I was. The town treated us like WellFare cases. Making us dinner, buying us stuff, making us cards. I was sick of it. 13

14

Later Saturday night, when Jason was asleep. I lay in the dark crying. All of a sudden, I saw a little light on the ceiling. I squinted, trying to get a better look. I heard a soft humming, kind of like the way Sara used to hum. I looked down and saw Sara, standing right there. 15

"Sara?" I whispered, rubbing my eyes. I looked again and saw nothing. She was gone, again. All I heard was the soft humming of her angel. In my dream, I swore I heard someone hum, "Carrie, join me in heaven.", but I'm not sure. I would, but I couldn't be that inconsiderate to Jason, and my parents, and my few friends. I didn't have the strength and independance that Sara had, and I never did.16

17

Later that next night, Sara returned. This time, she was wearing the same sweatshirt she was wearing on that day. She was humming again, and she looked happy. A special sparkle was in her eyes. I knew what it was. All the pressure was off her. She was in a carefree place, where she had no expectations. She didn't have to worry about school, or my parents, or me. She was free from the world. I almost felt jealous, but I was mostly happy for her. 18

After 3 weeks or so, Sara stopeed visiting. I heard the humming sometimes, but I never saw her. One night, though, I saw the little white light on the ceiling. I never knew if I was seeing things or not, but I knew one thing. 19

20

Sara was watching over me. 21