Condemned

Every sense was screaming to get out, to run forever, to take flight and gracefully swoop away from my problems. But, I couldn't move, frozen where I sat. Angry eyes were looking down at me, I felt like a naughty child who had committed some horrible crime. Cringing, I just cowered further down in my seat, shivering with nervousness. My white suit, once so neat and orderly, was creased and torn. Slowly, everybody took their seat, but I didn't notice. Giddy with fear, I couldn't hear the words being spoken to me. A voice above the rest got my attention. Looking up, my eyes widened to see furious eyes glaring at me, a deep blue. His voice was like thunder, striking me like a blow to the chest. Everything came rushing back, and once again I found myself looking around the blinding white courtroom. Angels with pure white wings, much like mine, were seated in a circle from where I sat. But, as with all the times, my eyes were drawn to one man, towering above me and the rest. God regarded me with contempt and..was that hatred? I tried to go deeper, but as quickly as the emotion flashed across his eyes, it was gone. He pulled himself up to his impressive 14 foot tall self and cleared his throat. Instantly, angry murmurs and poison filled whispers were silenced.1

Waiting a moment, His voice boomed clearly across the room. 2

'Angel Monoko, you are here on a count of murdering Angel Yakuo in the mortal world, so his spirit is wandering forever. Is that correct?' 3

I stuttered, but couldn't speak. His eyes flashed dangerously. 'Well?' Putting my head down, I let out the faintest of nods. Standing up, he put two fingers to my forehead and searched my thoughts, so that I couldn't lie. Memories that I forgot flashed before my eyes, like a movie without sound. Some were of my mortal life, some of here. Then, the one I tried and willed to forget, but it just made it permanently etched into my brain, like a scar, hidden but still visible. Pictures of my friends, laughing in a photo booth. Clinging onto the rim of the roof for dear life, with my dad trying to pull me back up. Studying in the university, while listening to a party next door. Screaming at my friend, watching her body tip and fall into the night air, 50 feet above the ground. The feeling of the breath leaving my body in the hospital room. Being overwhelmed as I stood at the Golden Gates. Finally, the feel of a knife sink into the stomach of a fellow angel as I try and not think about what I just did. He withdraws, anger worn into his face. Walking back to the judge's seat, he takes a breath.4

'I hereby condemn Angel Monoko to be banished from Heaven. She is no longer one of us, but a Fallen.' The word rings in my ears. Fallen. I am Fallen. Pain sears my shoulder blades, and I scream with a sound that could shatter glass. Twisting my neck to look, I see my pure white feathers darken slowly, starting with the ones nearer to my back. Finally, the pain dulled to a constant throbbing, and my screaming stops. The clothes I wear are ripped from my body, and then put a grey robe over my shoulders roughly, like they don't care if they hurt me. The glances I received were full of hate, indifference, smugness, and pity. As I close my eyes, a single tear slides down my face. The world fades away, and I am falling through air.5

The hair whips at my face, and my tears are lifted into the sky like raindrops. The moon looks down at me in sadness, it's a shame that one of her children came to this. At least someone cares. I watch the stars dance across the clear midnight sky with slightly unfocused eyes, I've withdrawn. Two wrongs don't make a right, they always say. I suppose they were right after all. Telling somebody a bad secret that only you were supposed to know, then killing them really isn't a good way to put things back to normal. But that's what I did anyway, and look what happened. My now raven coloured wings are outstretched and trailing in the night wind, I didn't have enough energy to turn around and beat them. Regarding them with venom, I really did look like a fallen angel now, didn't I? Hey God, you happy now? We're all under your finger, heading your beck and call, if somebody displeases you, just say the word and we're gone from your sight and mind forever. I smirk. Wouldn't it be nice to have all that power? And most of all, that guy I stabbed? He's not dead, but probably watching from somewhere in a cozy house, laughing at my falling form. Only I knew he didn't like Heaven. I can now see the buildings whip past my face, before smashing into a dumpster. Gritting my teeth, I feel my bones crack and muscles rip before limply rolling off of it and falling onto the hard concrete ground. Laying there with my wings splayed out on my sides, showing off their impressive 12ft span, I heard footsteps. Trying to stand up, pain sears every inch of my body but I still manage to get unsteadily to my feet. What I didn't expect to see, what a man's face smiling at me.6

He stood there for a moment, taking in my bloody frame, abused expression, dull eyes and drooping wings, before offering me a bottle of vodka. Snatching it away from him, I guzzle it down and wipe my lips with the back of my hand. Giving him a content but still wary grin, he gives me his coat and asks with another smile if I wanted to come with him to his apartment. For all I know, he could be a murderer, or a rapist. But hey, I'm dead already. Nodding, I'm seized by a sudden exhaustion, but he picks me up and carries me away, carefully avoiding my broken bones and tired wings. It's been so long since I've felt this happy. Or this painful either. Every step he takes, I hear a crackle of bone and squishing sound of blood. Drifting off into an uneasy sleep, all I can think of is how warm he is.7

Waking up with a start, the first thing I register is a fluffy and moving ball of fur on my chest, which I later realize to be a cat. Nuzzling the cute fluffball, I sit up wearily and survey the room. It was white everywhere, even the cat was white, reminding me of that traumatic experience in the courthouse, and the only contrast are my feathers, splayed out everywhere like an exploded raven. Rotating them experimentally, when only 3 clicks are heard I confirm that they're in moderate condition. Standing up warily, I stagger to the bathroom, take one look in the mirror and break down. My wings have drooped even further than last night, that same used and abused expression etched onto my face. Eyes weren't dull anymore, but cleared by that unshakable certainty that I would never be accepted again. Humanity would reject me like God did. Brushing away the tears with an angry swipe of my hand, I laugh bitterly at how weak I was. I never used to be like this, maybe the self-loathing comes in the welcome package of being a Fallen. Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I twist to see him looking at me with sympathetic eyes before hugging me tightly. Going limp in his hold, I decide to give life another shot.8

It's been three weeks since he rescued me, his name is Barry Porter, and I think, can angels, even fallen ones, have guardian angels? Because that's exactly what he is to me, and, truth be told, I think I've fallen in love. Yes, I know it sounds cliché. But it's the truth. Everytime he comes near me, my stomach knots and I get weak in the knees, thank Go...thank Satan he hasn't noticed it yet. Hn, what's this slurred noise I can hear?9

'...ko....oko....Monoko! Earth to angel, you there?' I snap out of my thoughts and look at him, smiling. 'Yea, sure.' Nodding, he takes my hand and pulls me to where we're supposed to be going, and I'm just following like the love-struck idiot I really am. Impatiently, we wait for the sign that lets us cross the street, and when we do, I catch something I didn't expect. Standing stone still on the busy street, I stare at the bus coming towards me. Well, not at the bus exactly, but more at the driver. Yakuo grins back at me. We lock eyes, and he seems to speak one word into my very soul.10

'Sucker'11

He veers to the left, and I turn just in time to see Barry hit by the bus, his already limp form hitting the ground. 12

Everything from then on was nothing but a blur.13

The police had lost trace of Yakuo, but what's to be expected? He is an angel after all, a sadistic one, but still an angel. Gripping my arms tightly, I stare down at Barry's coffin in dismay, this is all my fault. Wait, no. It's God's fault. I suppose fallen angel's were supposed to suffer, no matter how many people it killed to make sure of that. I dwelled in my own muddled thoughts, but one was clear. My first and last love was gone forever, and now, I'm out for revenge.