Ode To Debbie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~1

"Ode to Debbie"2

Written By Justin Hanks3

The following depicts actual encounters that I have had with my mother. They are all true, and they are all hilarious.4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~5

Meet the Cast: 6

Justin - This is probably the hardest role. Must deal with his mother and his crazy life. (Based on the writer of this script).7

Debbie - Justin's mother. Also known as "Little Debbie" for her fondness of small cupcake treats.8

Conan O'Brian - A TV talk-show host.9

Guy Taking Our Order - Some random worker from McDonald's.10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~11

ACT 1: 12

Debbie:  Hey Justin.13

Justin: Hey Debbie.14

Debbie:  I'm your mom... call me mother.15

Justin: I'm your son... call me son.16

Debbie:  It doesn't work like that.17

Justin: I don't see why.18

(moment of silence)19

Debbie:  Hey Justin.20

Justin: Hey Debbie.21

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~22

ACT 2: 23

Debbie:  Do you want to go tanning?24

Justin: I'm a guy...25

Debbie:  Guys tan all the time.26

Justin: Uhh... fine.27

(Debbie and Justin travel to the tanning place).28

Debbie:  Remember, you're going to have to take off your clothes in the tanning machine and completely expose your little butt.29

Justin: Geez... could you say that any louder?30

(another moment of silence)31

Debbie:  Remember, you're going to have to take off your clothes in the tanning machine and completely expose your little butt.32

(Debbie and Justin tan and then go home).33

Justin: I think I was in the machine too long... I'm completely red.34

Debbie:  Maybe the maximum time was a bad idea.35

Justin: Oh my god... this really hurts.36

Debbie:  It was your idea to go tanning.37

Justin: Ouch! No it wasn't!38

Debbie:  Yes it was.39

Justin: Holy crap.40

Debbie:  Now what?41

Justin: I can't see.42

Debbie:  That's not funny.43

Justin: I am fricken serious... I really cannot see.44

Debbie:  I've heard of people becoming blind from these machines.45

Justin: Holy shit shit shit... my eyes... oh my god...46

Debbie:  Now you're really scaring me.47

Justin: I CAN'T FUCKING SEE!!!!48

Debbie:  Blink already... you're freaking me out.49

Justin: I can't... my eyes are DRIED UP!50

Debbie:  Maybe this is just temporary... go walk down to your room.51

Justin: Would you mind guiding me? Oh crap... it hurts.52

Debbie:  It's just down the stairs... goodness...53

Justin: I CAN'T SEE!!54

Debbie:  Don't yell at me mister.55

Justin: I'M BLIND!56

Debbie:  Don't look at me that way...57

Justin: I'm laying in your bed.58

Debbie:  Good luck finding it.59

Justin: You are evil.60

Justin: I wonder what caused this?61

Debbie:  Did you wear the tanning goggles?62

Justin: Yes...63

Debbie:  Why didn't you wear them!!!!64

Justin: I did.65

Debbie:  YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF BITCH!!66

Justin: Oh wow... my vision is coming back.67

Debbie:  Good... now get off my bed.68

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~69

ACT 3: 70

Debbie:  Take off your pants.71

Justin: WHAT?72

Debbie:  Take off your pants.73

Justin: What is wrong with you?74

Debbie:  I need to do the laundry.75

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~76

ACT 4: 77

(Justin and Debbie watch the Conan O'Brian show from the couch.)78

Justin: Do you think he's funny?79

Debbie:  No... not really...80

Justin: Why not?81

Debbie:  Haha! Did you hear what he just said?82

Justin: er...83

Conan O'Brian: yada yada yada.... as fast as a snail.84

Debbie:  Hahahahahaha!!85

Justin: uhh...86

Debbie:  Why aren't you laughing?87

Justin: well...88

Debbie:  Don't you get it? Snails are slow!89

Justin: Thanks for helping me out there...90

Conan O'Brian: I bet my mom is at home right now laughing her butt off: "Don't you get it? Snails are slow!"91

Justin: Oh my god... Debbie... do I have a brother?92

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~93

ACT 5: 94

Justin: What on earth are you wearing?95

Debbie:  These are gloves that came with my hair dye.96

Justin: Where's the hair dye...?97

Debbie:  They look like probe gloves!98

Justin: Ok...99

Debbie:  I'm an alien and I'm gonna probe you!100

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~101

ACT 6: 102

(Justin and Debbie pull in to the drive-thru lane at McDonald's).103

Debbie:  What do you want to eat?104

Justin: Just get me a cheeseburger... what do you want?105

Debbie: Mama wants a big cock!106

Justin: Oh my god...107

Guy Taking Our Order: I'm sorry... would you mind repeating that?108

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~109

ACT 7: 110

Debbie: Colin Powell is our Secretary of State.111

Justin: Snails are slow.112

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~113